relationships and mortality, how to mtfu

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  • relationships and mortality, how to mtfu
  • I know this is probably not right for Friday night but I just want to right this down and get it out of my head.

    Completely out of the blue mrs mW, my partner of 25 years has been diagnosed with a mass in her brain, we don’t know exactly what it is but have been told that the next 48 hours are crucial and no one we spoke to today gave us any cause to be optimistic regarding the likely outcome.

    She didn’t want to tell the rest of her family until she had her head around the situation and knew a little more about what was going to be happening over the next few days. We will be telling them tomorrow I guess. She’s sleeping now and I’m alone with my thoughts which vary between surprisingly practical for short periods to utter despair.

    She’s taking it as well as anybody could, surprisingly stoic but I’m in pieces, I can’t imagine living a happy life if she wasn’t in it and just keep thinking of all the things we had planned to do that might not happen now.

    I know I need to stay strong and help her through this but I just don’t know how. If we skirt around the subject then it can feel OK for a bit but as soon as I look at her or am left alone with my thoughts it all becomes too much.

    It seems like the only way to keep some semblance of normality is to ignore the situation but that feels cold and if I’m honest a betrayal of my real feelings. if we face it head on then I’m a blubbing mess which I know she doesn’t want to see.

    If anyones been through similar please share your thoughts on how the hell you deal with this.

    Sorry if this is all too heavy and a bit rambling, but it helps to say it out loud if even if it is anonymously on an inappropriate forum.

    And to anyone plodding along in a seemingly happy life please treat every day as special don’t ever take that person for granted and do everything you want to do at the first opportunity.

    Premier Icon big_scot_nanny

    Jesus Christ.

    No real advice, but all our love from family BSN.

    Do what makes you both happy and brings you close.




    I wish you and your partner the best possible outcome.

    Be strong – I’m sure many of us will reflect on your closing sentence.

    Premier Icon Stoner

    you’re amongst friends here.
    I hope some of them can offer more help and experience than me.

    Premier Icon djflexure

    Just be there +++
    Find inner strength somehow
    I’m sorry

    I know I need to stay strong and help her through this but I just don’t know how.

    Yes you do, and you will.
    Thoughts with you dude.

    Premier Icon jamj1974

    As above cannot offer any advice at all but useless as it is I will be thinking of you. Take care of yourself and Mrs MW!


    Premier Icon Drac

    Thoughts with you and to reflect others just be there for her.

    Premier Icon Bregante

    My blood ran cold reading that. Best wishes to you and your partner.

    Don’t know what else to say….


    Whatever the outcome, you are each others.

    Premier Icon scaredypants

    Best wishes to you and your family

    Presumably she’s been referred on to a specialist centre – it’s a pisser but I guess you just have to wait for a diagnosis and a plan (I hope both will be along very soon)

    Might help to take someone less immediately involved along to any consultation, so they can actually listen to the information while everything might be noise and scaryness to you and your wife


    My blood ran cold reading that. Best wishes to you and your partner.

    Don’t know what else to say….


    Thoughts are with you.

    Positive vibes to you and your wife.

    Don’t be putting yourself under any pressure to mtfu.

    Premier Icon Capt. Kronos

    I kinda get what you are going through to a small extent. My Mum’s cancer has come back for the third time and the initial diagnosis was really not good. But things are looking better now, and there is always hope.

    You really need to try and stay as positive as possible. I know how hard that is (my Dad has been struggling a lot). But until the end there is always hope 🙂


    I’ll be giving my missus a big hug once she gets home. Hope you get some positive news soon.

    Premier Icon bigblackshed

    Can’t offer any advice. Thoughts are with you and your wife.

    Premier Icon wallop

    Oh man, when will they tell you what the hell is going on? Until then – big love.


    Hope you have a positive outcome. Stay strong.


    TBH no **** idea what to say in this kind of situation, but best wishes and hope it’s not as bad as the initial diagnosis indicates.


    I know what you are going through at the moment, mW. It is not a case of MTFU, but you will find the strength to support her, believe me. Other people, even strangers on a forum, will be there to support you in turn. That was my experience. Best wishes to you both.


    I echo everyone’s sentiments here and hope and wish for a positive outcome also, you have to try and stay normal for your own and everyone around you’s sake. Hell it makes my problems seem pathetic by comparison I really feel for you.


    I think of the future I hope to have with Mrs. C and can’t imagine a day that will pass without her as a part of me.

    I can’t walk in your shoes or share an experience but if nothing else, hope and love are in my thoughts for you and mrsMw.


    Um, er..

    The closest I’ve been to this was the loss of my parents. In my Fathers case, it came pretty suddenly. In my Mothers case, it happened quickly but we were all aware of it as it unfolded – as was she. She was also remarkably stoic about it. She busied herself getting her affairs in order, sorting out old photos etc. and I just supported her as best I could, making the most of our time together.

    The difference in her case was that she was “ready” to go. She’d lost her husband of 50+ years and life didn’t really have a lot of purpose for her.

    I found that I was able to be strong for her, though I went to pieces after she passed away. I’ve no reason to believe that you’re a weaker man than I am so I’m sure you’ll also be able to manage this difficult time.

    Look for support from your own friends and family – and be ready to support her family too. It makes a huge difference if you have someone to share it with.

    Until things are certain, try to be optimistic 😕

    Thanks for the kind words, it does kind of help.

    It’s a funny thing you go through waves of fear and despair and then something completely random pops into your head. It just occurred to me that if she does get through this then I’m going to be in so much trouble for writing this on here. She’s a private sort of gal doesn’t like the world knowing her business.

    Oh man, when will they tell you what the hell is going on?

    Well we know there is a mass of about 2.5cm, we were told in what part of the brain it was but I’ve not really been able to retain much information today, its all kind of washed over me. All her scans (CT and MRI) have been sent over to the neuro unit in Oxford and they will assess it more thoroughly and decide what action to take next early next week.

    The weird thing is that apart from the cut on her head that she received when she fell this morning she seems perfectly normal, we were having quite a laugh this afternoon about her fainting and freaking out her colleagues until one of the doctors explained their findings. As you can imagine after that things have felt a bit different.

    Premier Icon righog

    Just read this and stared into the computer for 15 minutes and really not sure what to write, but I do know from recent experience that what you said.

    And to anyone plodding along in a seemingly happy life please treat every day as special don’t ever take that person for granted and do everything you want to do at the first opportunity.

    Is probably the wisest advice in the world.

    I wish you both good luck and strength.


    Mate, I’m in Oxford next week. I’ve got a degree in Biomedical Science…it’s not much I know in terms of qualifications but I have a reasonable understanding of these things….would you like me to accompany you two to the consultations? As others and yourself have said, the info is washing over you. I could take notes and explain what the doctors have said to you at a later date.

    All the best. I know this must be awful beyond belief for both of you….I can be there to help support you if you so wish.

    I could be in Oxford on Sunday evening if you want…..I’ll be there until Friday…then I’m off to Coed Y Brenin…returning to Oxford on the following Monday.

    You can also have my mobile number if you wish – so that you can fire off any questions whenever you need.

    Premier Icon SaxonRider

    If there was anything I could do for you, I would do it. In the meantime, I can just add my words of support to those of the other good folk on here.

    Premier Icon nedrapier

    She’s a private sort of gal doesn’t like the world knowing her business.

    I’ve no idea who she is, or who you are. But I feel for you both, and you’ll both be in my thoughts for the foreseeable future.


    I can’t other any worthwhile advice other than to do something special this weekend that you both enjoy. I hope and pray that you’ll both be able to continue to doing that special thing again a long time to come.


    …..yeah this thread has **** with my head a bit.

    would you like me to accompany you two to the consultations?

    Above and beyond the call (as was nedrapier, thanks) but she would never talk to me again if I brought some random fella along to the consultations. I think I might try and write what we are being told down, so I can at least reflect on it properly in private.

    Just making little decisions about what to do feels like starting to deal with things. That might be a good starting point.


    Get off the internet now though, go and find your wife and go to sleep with her. Talk to us in the morning.

    Hang in there matey.

    Get off the internet now though, go and find your wife and go to sleep.

    Wish I could, she’s been kept in for at least the weekend and i was told that i should go home and get some rest, but that’s easier said than done.

    Premier Icon Sandwich

    Ok something I have a bit of an experience of. My mum was diagnosed with a brain cancer on her brainstem in late 1982 just after I left home.
    She was operated on in January 1983 and the initial op was a success. There then followed radio and chemotherapy for 6 months or so.
    The radiotherapy induce epilepsy but she had a reasonable quality of life until 1999. It was a well managed decline and mum endured it all with good humour.
    The cancer came back in late 1999. One of the treatments to combat the recurrence left her on a soft diet (basic mushy food) and mum was having none of that and refused all help in early March 2000. She lasted another 3 weeks after turning her head to the wall.
    It wasn’t a bad way to go (mum knew very little of what was occurring in the last 48 hours)and we had 16 years more of her than we could have done.
    I wish you all the very best, now go and cuddle your wife.


    (e-mail in profile if you need an ear to listen)


    Need a place to stay near the hospital? I could link you up potentially with a guest room somewhere for next to nothing if you’re house isn’t in Oxford.

    bwaarp, I’ll see how things pan out, I may well take you up on that offer.

    Oh God. So sorry to hear this. Keep a positive mental attitude – it’s the very best thing you can do for you and Mrs MW by a country mile, really.


    I’ll speak to the sisters at the nunnery my missus is staying at in the morning (don’t ask why she’s staying at a nunnery of all places 😯 ) so that they are on the look out for a room…. there are a few in Oxford with guest rooms.

    The one I’m thinking of would involve a 5 minute walk to the bus station, followed by a 5 minute bus ride to get to the JR – or a 15 minute walk… or a 5 minute cycle.

    All the best.


    Body blow.

    mW there are times to MTFU and times when you have to be you. MTFU does not count here. I am 100% positive that you will do the right thing every step of the way and will have more inner strength than you ever thought you had.

    The pingu household are thinking of you and mrsmW and we hope and pray that its good news and you can do all of those things you planned together.

    Have strength my friend.


    Hi mate. My Dad had a seizure in 1997 out of the blue. He got whisked off for a scan and they found a large lump/growth between the hemispheres of his brain. I remember it being compared to a small lemon! He then got told the 48hr thing if I recall and got taken straight to Walton Hospital Neuro unit in Liverpool for an operation to remove it. It was 50/50 if he would survive the op aparently, but thank God it wasn’t malignant. I was mid 20’s at the time and it was a **** nightmare, it all just happened so fast didn’t have a chance for the gravity of it to settle before he was in Intensive Care Unit recovering from the op. His personality has changed somewhat, he is weaker and has a very short term memory and is on all kinds of tablets to stave off epilepsy and what not. But he is still here 16 odd years later, playing golf, driving, going to the pub, doing my Mams head in, all the normal stuff! 🙂 I don’t know if any of that helps. I wish you the best, most positive outcome with this mate. TBH I don’t know how you really deal with it, you just do, one thing follows the next. I remember my mam and sis in pieces quite a bit and I just had to Keep it together. x

    kevers, yeah it helps, I’m thinking the fact that she’s not being rushed into surgery tonight means that there are options that need to be considered, and so long as there are options there is hope.

    And thanks everyone, I do feel a little calmer and a little less freaked out than when I wrote the original post which is more than I could have wished for.

    Gonna call it a day for now, the nurse is probably right I do need to try and get some sleep as I expect tomorrow may well be a long and fairly raw day especially once the rest of our families are told.


    Get some sleep dude, be strong as what ever happens will happen… are just along for the ride. She going to need you rstrength and support so look after the both of you and I wish you both the best.

    Premier Icon JoeG

    OP – Remember to take care of yourself through this! I’m not saying that you should do that to be selfish, but so that your support her as much as possible. If you’re sick and run down, you won’t be able to do as much for her.

    Make sure that you eat decently, get a reasonable amount of rest when possible (easier said than done at times, I’m sure) and try to do some exercise both to stay in shape and to relieve some of the incredible stress that you’ll be going through. Maybe a friend or relative can visit for a couple of hours once in a while to give you a a little time to clear your head. Don’t be afraid to lean on someone else a bit!

    You and your Mrs are in my thoughts; I hope things turn out okay for you both.


    As everyone else, wishing you the very best outcomes OP.

    Hoping today is a good one for you.

    Premier Icon althepal

    Separated from the wife for medical reasons for a coupla nights last year. Missus was pregnant, miscarried and needed emergency surgery so although not quite the same I can imagine how you’re feeling.
    Had went to the Gp cos she was a bit sore, rushed to hospital then once I’d went home in the early hours was called to say she was going down for surgery to stem the bleeding.
    If you’re home alone it’s hard being alone with your thoughts- was in bits at the time but was such a shock to us both and I wasnt really able to take it all in.
    I was very lucky in a way cos we had our boy at home so had to look after him which gave me something else to think about. Also had family and friends who were a great help too.
    Hopefully you’ve got some support too mate- talk to people- it helps- on here or in real life- no ones gonna tell you to Mtfu- think you’ve done fine so far already.. Try and get some sleep if you can.
    Sorry for rambling a bit. You’ll both be in my thoughts.

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