On my complaining that I was shovelling sh1t (Before getting a career), working on the farm – he was no helping:
"Don't have a dog and bark yourself"
On my proclaiming that I was the most important person at work (basically):
"The Graveyard is full of indispensable people"
My Gran when I was a teenager and getting very drunk (often) and getting a lot of stick from the family:
"When I get drunk, I hold onto the side of the bed so when the room spins I don't fall out" – twas ace, someone admitting that I wasn't the only person to ever get drunk.
My Step brother on (litteraly) rough GF's:
"you don't look at the mantle peice when you're poking the fire"
Me – As a Dad…
"You're nothing more than the sum of your experiences"