Can we have an ‘overheard today’ thread? I love snippets of life, overheard.

A bit late with this but it was a good one.

I was walking the dog along the esplanade at the weekend, and there witnessed the defeat of an older man on his holidays.

He was sitting outside the café, looking at the menu. He muttered something which prompted the menu to be taken sternly from him (and then perused) by his ferocious-looking wife. She was sharp, dismissive, mocking and final (strong Yorkshire accent):

“I wunt worry about ‘cheeesy‘ chips, Harry”.

I swear I saw the light fade from his eyes.

Cannock Tackeroo campsite, couple rowing over where they’d parked:

“Goo an ask them!”
“They woh no f*** all!”
“F***in ask them!”
“F*** off!”
“Doh tell me ter **** off yer ****!”

Lovely people

Overheard at work yesterday:
“Why do you think you shake hands with your right hand?”
“Dunno”
“To show you don’t have any weapons and you’re not a threat”
“Oh, right”
“It’s good for me – I’m left-handed. I can f*** them up”
“Hmmm”
“It’s all about the right to bear arms. I need to protect myself and my home”

He’s like the ‘military’ guy in The Office

On the train last week..

“Have you heard the new Chloe Kardashian track?”
“no”
“it’s great”

Honest, I’m not making this up.

Not overheard so much but,

At work we have TV in Reception, with the sound muted and subtitles on. Walking past it, you can get an out-of-context snippet of conversation from the subtitles.

A little while ago as I was passing, there was some woman dressed up in some sort of animal onesie, looked like a dog with big floppy ears and everything. But I hadn’t processed any of that when out of the corner of my eye I read the subtitle, as she was asking “does it come with bottom flaps?”

At the tip this morning:

Old lady ” hello young man, can you help me with this bag?”
Me “why, of course I can”

Thats it.

Another not heard but seen.

Glance down side road as I’m passing it.

Man lifting a 3ft tall Chinese looking vase wrapped in blanket out of boot of his car.

Vase slips out of blanket and heads towards the ground.

I don’t think I saw the vase actually hit the ground except in my minds eye but I’m sure his shoulders were already slumping as he went out of sight.

Not so much overheard, you need to have the actions too.

The Cast:

Him – old, Surrey Market town retired Colonel type.

Her – Sainsbury’s worker, obviously one of those immigrant types, possibly Polish? (yes, it’s important given his actions)

Him: {loud voice, as used on the continent for talking to foreigners}

Have you got any cheese flakes?

Her: {in impeccable english, BUT WITH AN ACCENT!} Cheese flakes?

Him: Yes – you know cheese. In flakes.
(making what is clearly, although I didn’t know it, the internationally recognised sign for cheese, which is making a round with your hands and then touching your hand to your lips)

Her: Yes, I know what cheese is.

Him: Good. So CHEESE. In FLAKES.

Her: Ah, do you mean shaved parmesan? For a Caesar salad? Do you need croutons and dressing as well?

Bloody foreigners, not supposed to know about difficult stuff like culture!!

But I hadn’t processed any of that when out of the corner of my eye I read the subtitle, as she was asking “does it come with bottom flaps?”

What kind of TV do you have on?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=furry&defid=976476

She wasn’t a Furry, it was more like a fancy dress outfit.

My favourite ever was in Dubrovnik a few years ago their was a Dutch couple and and English couple with the bloke that sounded like Boycie from of&old, he tried to one up on everything the Dutch couple said
Anyway after us laughing for a good half hour,
they started talking about kids
The Dutch man said his son was a DJ, boycie says disc jockey not much talent playing other people’s music
The response well he does write his own music and plays it in his dj sets,
Boycie ‘ well it can’t be much of a living’

Dutch man well he seems to do well
Boycie, so he’s plays the local clubs not much talent in that

The Dutch man ‘oh no he flys around the world first class, paid for our trip out to Croatia, has houses in Miami and Ibiza and pulls in crowds of 50,000 plus’

Well boycie at that point was lost for words

I can only assume I was sat with my back to dj Tiestos mum and dad

Yesterday lunchtime, Princes Street Gardens, walking away from bridge over rail tracks. Man walking towards railway bridge on mobile phone ‘I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I was eleven…’

Overheard by MrsMC in Hartington Hall YHA last weekend, “I’ve got the cleanest taps in Hemel Hempstead.”

Walking down Fishergate (main road) in Preston, just behind me I heard someone bellow, “why don’t you just **** off back where you came from?!”

I stopped dead in my tracks (as I had to look at a calendar to check I hadn’t gone back in time 40 years) and turned to see what was going on, just as the target of this outburst shot back, “what, Bolton?”

All along I kept thinking the “Colonel” must want some sort of cracker…cheese flakes 😆

B&M bargains in Penrith during the Ebola outbreak, I heard a man telling his wife.

‘There’s gonna be zombies walking around the streets, I’m just going to run them over in the car’

Heard on Saturday’s ride round the Trossachs – “Daaaad, where’s my lunch?”

on a fast moving train between Cardiff and Bristol, a drunk bloke shouted at an old guy who told him to mind his language “Do you want to take this outside?”

Two young teenage girls on seeing how many people were queuing for the escalators to get out of Paddington tube station:
“Lets take the stairs YOLO”

I could have despaired, but I shrugged it off

One of the funniest I’ve ever had was in 2004 in our local Thai restaurant, (in Lymm, nr Warrington), the day after the Thai tsunami.

We were sat behind a couple who were obviously on a first date and the conversation from that was V entertaining alone. The waiter came over to them, (who was actually the owner and is about 50yr old), and before he could say anything the girl started commenting on the terrible disaster and she hope his family was safe and not involved etc, etc. He then replied in his broad, Manchester accent, “Yeh they’re fine, they live in Altrincham”!

There was a demo day/uplift at innerleithen. saw a chap looking a bit lost as he got off the bike, he said to his mate “Can you remember what bike I’m riding”?

I was just thinking more or less the same thing tbh.

http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2010/aug/21/michael-holden-all-ears

My favourite of all time

I stopped dead in my tracks (as I had to look at a calendar to check I hadn’t gone back in time 40 years) and turned to see what was going on, just as the target of this outburst shot back, “what, Bolton?”

Reminds me of my Gran who has a habit of ‘sharing’ britain-first type crap on facebook. One was “the Rochdale groomers should be deported back where they came from”. So I commented that it seemed a bit harsh to force them to live in Rochdale once out of prison.

a snippet of life

6:30am commuter train into the city, back when most of the carriage was still mostly suits. Last stop before the final terminal and lots get off for tube but a builder/labour gets on.

Scottish, covered head to toe in dust n grim with a can of Tenets super in one hand and an angle grinder in the other 😯 … Hardest looking bloke I’ve ever seen in my life… but that’s not the reason no one begrudged him his beer before breakfast sitting on that train … he looked as if he’d been proper grafting all night and it was well deserved.

Teenage girl in a card shop points at picture of a pouting Marilyn Monroe and says to friend “Who does she think she is, Madonna?”

“It’s all about the right to bear arms. I need to protect myself and my home”

😆

I hope you pointed him at Jim Jeffries.

Overheard in a student union.
” I knew it would sell if I posted a moany thread in the chat forum”
😉

Heard in Sainsbury’s

Woman walks up to man she knows: “Hello. What are you doing here?”
Man deadpan response: “Shopping”

From the table next to me in the local pub the other week.

Bloke says to his wife, son and daughter-in-law,

“You know there’s a saying the goes, what goes on in Vegas, stays in vegas”.

Looking all pleased with himself he then says, “It means, what goes on on holiday, stays on holiday”!!

**** Genius!!

My 13 year old son is away on a residential outward bounds course. Just had a call at work from his young enough to be my daughter and rather attractive form tutor to say he sprained his wrist last night.

On passing this info to my colleagues, 2 of them responded in perfect harmony “No shit Sherlock!”

A walk along the canal with family on a sunny Sunday summers evening. Pass another family, nods and hellos all round. Two small boys are lagging behind, maybe 10-12ish. As we draw level, one says in a slightly condescending way “and that’s why dogs lick their testicles”.

Overheard in KFC in Glasgow city centre.

Bloke looks at the poster for the then newly launched Zinger meal.

Points at the poster and asks the girl behind the counter…

” This new Zinger meal you’re doin’, what is it exactly?”

Without skipping a beat and completely deadpan she responds….

“It’s a Zinger……..wi’ chips”

Heard in Sainsbury’s

Woman walks up to man she knows: “Hello. What are you doing here?”
Man deadpan response: “Shopping”

I like to mess with people who ask questions like this. “I’m here for the movie.” Or delving into the surreal, “I’m varnishing a badger.”

Overheard on the summit of Goatfell on sunday, a pretty looking 20 something telling her boyfriend ‘I don’t understand people that cycle’ then she caught my eye, as I was standing holding my bike….

She went rather red, the daft bugger.

A while ago in Woolworths, a tracksuit clan mum and her son in front of me in the queue..
Him “Am we going to the cinema this afternoon?”
Her “How many times have I told you, it’s not ‘am we’ it’s ‘is we’…”

“You know there’s a saying the goes, what goes on in Vegas, stays in vegas”

Unfortunately not, they don’t call Virgin Atlantic VS43 the Syphilis Express for nothing…..

Walking against the flow in Brighton, picked up two different conversations from two couples, but only a sentence from each. Kinda wish I heard a bit more of both

Girl to her BF, “So it is like a butt plug but bigger?”

The second was a 20ish YO bloke saying to his GF “Of course you know I only drink beer from a glass”.
At 20 I would drink beer from pretty much anything, these kids don’t even know they are born etc…

Walking down Fishergate (main road) in Preston, just behind me I heard someone bellow, “why don’t you just **** off back where you came from?!”

<narrows eyes> I was walking down Fishergate about an hour ago to get some flapjacks from pound bakery. You need to walk around with some sort of placard announcing yourself if you’re going to be walking past me so I can offer a knowing fist-bump.

I’d need a TARDIS to do that, it was last year some time.

I’m pretty sure it was an STWer who once posted about being in the magazine aisle of WH Smiths, looking at a recently shamed Lance Armstrong on a mag cover, when two neds walked past and took note:

“He did a load of drugs and he walked on the moon, too!”.