As an occasional commenter and watcher I thought I would post here for some wisdom.
Things have come to a head after a couple of things that have happened recently. As a bit of background my better half got diagnosed with terminal cancer 20 months ago and although not improving she has continued to fight it and defy the odds. With a family I gave up self employed work to support my wife and kids. Unfortunately not working, exercising less and eating more has led to a 15kg weight gain and recently felt weird after a cycle with my daughter. This week we celebrated my wife’s 50th with family after thinking we would never get there and her cousin came who had put on a fair bit of food and talking about his eating and drinking habits realised he sounded like me and he has some health scares.
I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food particularly under stress, which is consistent at the moment but don’t know how to deal with it. Have tried tracking etc but wondered if anyone has some tips or ideas. Still cycling but need to make a change fro my health. I am really aware that my my problem is really insignificant compared to my wife who has already had over 60 rounds of Chemo.
Ironically I have just got funding for delivering 2 years of trail therapy and now feel I am maybe someone who needs it!!
Cheers everyone

I can’t help on the eating thing but just wanted to post to show support for you and the family. Sorry to read about your wife and what you are suffering with isn’t trivial. It’s a coping mechanism to help with what you’re going through. No doubt somebody with the relevant experience will be along soon to offer help and advise. Take care

Sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and trying to do the right thing for your wife and kids.

Not been in the situation you are in, but is there support available to family members through McMillan or one of the other Cancer support groups that might help you get your head around things.

If it is stress and mental health, maybe talk to your GP? Maybe some medication and counselling could take the edge of the emotional side and help you find a way forward – situation I’m in at the moment trying to get my head round my life.

I’m a serious over eater myself, so understand your concerns. Drop me a message if you think I can help.

Cheers guys.
Even actually admitting and writing it down helps.
Moredashthancash I understand your pain and as a reasonably logical human being it really pisses me off that I can’t deal with it. On top of not being able to fix the wife it really hurts!!
funkmasterp just need to find another coping strategy but maybe not beer!!

I’m in a similar position just without the additional stress you have with your wife and not working.
Last time I lost weight I really stopped drinking calories so no milk in coffee. Breakfast was eggs in a wrap. Lunch was a mixed salad from the cafe a bit like those deli boxes you can get at the supermarket, so a bit of carbs but not much. Dinner was steak or chicken salad. Snacks either raw pepper or some kind of meat based snack.
Generally felt like I was punishing myself, took a while to get my head into not having bread.

Good luck it’s not easy shifting weight.

Really sorry for everything you’re going through, can only imagine its not easy in the slightest and how its affecting you all. Hope you’re all doing as best as you can.

From a slightly different perspective though I do understand the over eating due to stress and day to day difficulties so can empathise with that to some degree.

I have always turned to food in difficult times, put on 6-7 stone in just over a year a few years ago. I couldn’t stop snacking as I was constantly stressed, depressed and found life extremely tough. Last year I found out I might be lactose intolerant, this forced me to change my eating habits. It’s still ongoing as there’s definitely more 5o it so trial and error stage now. But just cutting out everything that contained lactose or milk saw a nearly 5 stone weight loss in a year.

Don’t get me wrong, the depression is still rife, stress levels are still high and my mental state is still a mess. With 3 young kids to raise, I feel like I’m failing constantly and they deserve more, it’s literally them that keep me going each day. I’m far from where I should be. Having to deal with so much heartache in such a short period of time has really taken its toll.

But having to do that change has made a massive difference as far as my weight is concerned. I still struggle to motivate myself to do anything though, ironically started a thread on that last week.

All I would say is, from my past experience anyway, take each day as it comes. Don’t worry about the weight too much, you can remedy that when you’re able to. It’s taken nearly 4 years to get back close to where I was before. Just be there as best you can to love and support those around you and if you’re able to, take any break you can to recharge yourself. This is the important part. Having not had a break whatsoever in the past 8 years or so (the last 4 being by far the toughest), I know that’s the hardest thing for me.

Not sure if any of this helps or if it’s just waffle but thought I’d try to help if I could. If you need/want a chat, vent or anything please message me. Happy to chat, listen or help if I can in any way.

Gnusmas really knows what life stress is and he won’t admit it but he is a hero to many of us.

What he says about having to do it is very true, if your lazy like me then it takes a real shock to make a change, I’m not going to go in to what happened but suffice to say it was really frightening, particularly if you live alone.

Out of the gate and I’m surprised no-one’s asked yet,

Where are you?

With 3 young kids to raise, I feel like I’m failing constantly and they deserve more, it’s literally them that keep me going each day. I’m far from where I should be.

Alan mate, I don’t doubt that you’re far from where you think you should be. But you’re a goddamn inspiration and you’d fare a lot better just from not being so hard on yourself. You are not failing constantly despite what you might feel, every day is a win. Trust me, I’ve seen people fail and it’s… eh, it’s it’s not pretty, and that’s not what what you’re doing. So knock it off and seize what you’ve got. Life’s dealt you a few shit cards but it’s also dealt you some gold.

I don’t have kids – OK, I never wanted kids – but watching my partner’s daughter become a new mum recently… eh, it’s weird. I have no emotional investment here, but there’s a definite appeal in thinking when he’s older I can buy Lego, introduce him to movies, show off by opening tortilla packets with a flick of a huge knife… I think I’m kinda begrudgingly looking forward to ‘cool uncle’ status and I never in a million years thought I’d ever say that.

And you’ve got actual kids. Who, I assume, absolutely dote on you. Relish that. It’s taken me half a century to even begin to remotely understand what seems to be innate in most other ‘normal’ people.

Gunusmas I have read your story and deserve so much respect. Hearing you have been through it and coped helps. I totally relate to the feeling of failing all the time. Even with the new project I feel like I have imposter syndrome and wonder how I have managed to be even speaking to people about the project. By being outwardly positive people never question how you are. Hopefully by even talking about the eating will help and looking at the kids does help.
I am based in the South West and fortunately have some good friends and am active in the MTB scene but try not to burden people too much and also know how much support we will need in the future so not being too needy.
Thanks everyone! A new week to make the most of!

as a reasonably logical human being it really pisses me off that I can’t deal with it.

That’s a great description of mental health issues. There’s a lot of guilt attached to not being able to deal with things, and the physical and emotional energy it takes up.

New week, as you said.

I have a similar tendency to overeat as a way with dealing with stress, sadness and pretty much anything “hard”. My recommendation is to try and search out food that you fund emotionally satisfying but has a low “energy density” – filling but with low calories. For me, it also has to be almost effortless to prepare.

An example of this that I just had for lunch was a ton if tuna with pickled red onion, sliced tomatoes and a dodgy of mayonnaise. This gives loads of taste (the onion helps there) and pretty filling.

Takes a fair bit of work to find some quick snacks that are in this category but I find this let’s me deal with the “lonely mouth” syndrome that hits me when I’m down.

Combine this with counting my calories a bit is helping me to lose weight during a hard period. 10kg this year since February.

I’d echo the thoughts above about giving yourself a break. You appear to be going through some serious stuff and a wee bit of weight gain should be the least of your issues as long as your physical health isn’t being badly affected.

No diet/lifestyle recommendations from me, but an observation on my own habits.

I find it easier to focus on what I should be doing rather than what I shouldn’t. So rather than say I mustn’t have that biscuit, I think a) ooh, I’m hungry, that’s what’s supposed to be happening or b) I’ll have a dollop of peanut butter.

I’m lucky in that I’ve found a way of eating (it’s a diet, of course it is, and like all diets it relies (amongst other things) on reducing calorie intake, but I don’t like saying I’m on a diet because diets make you fat.) that suits me. It’s dead simple to describe but a little harder to practice. Some long-standing members of the forum may recognise it and I know a few still practice and swear by it.

Sunday night to Friday afternoon I consume no (none at all) dairy, cereal, fruit, potatoes, sugar or other white carbs. No sweetened drinks. At the weekend I have what I like. Yes, it’s a bugger finding breakfast or lunch that doesn’t have bread, butter or cheese (chorizo and onion omelette this morning) and yes, you will experience the odd feeling of hunger (yay! It’s working!) but one of the things this way of eating achieves is appetite supression. So I really don’t want a Kit-Kat.

All I can say is that it works for me.

Cheers everyone and a positive Monday.
Going along the lines of not eating after 8pm in the evening with less snacking.
Managed to get out for a ride whilst twins played netball and back to watch end of ones match and the second match and test out a new to me bike I have been meaning to do for ages!
Big thing I am going to do is try and drop some bread out of the diet and concentrate on less snacking.
Also positive that better half has had second round of new treatment and she seems OK!

Happy about the OH and even if you’re not wheat intolerant I bet you’ll feel better for cutting down on bread.

You are dealing with an incredibly difficult and stressful situation. My advice would be to get some professional help. I did and it helped me and tho different my situation has some parallels. Not only is your wife ill with limited life expectancy but in leaving your job you have lost a lot of contact and validation outside the home. You role in life has changed greatly

I found talking to the counselor ( free thru maggies centre) very helpful. It wasn’t deep delving stuff but even at the fairly superficial level to be able to talk through my fears and to be able to gain some validation in that my disordered thought process was in the usual range for someone in my position was very helpful

Odd for me as well in that its my professional world so I knew good routes / actions to take but taking them still seemed impossible at times.

Your thought processes will be disordered. This is normal for someone in your situation IMO. Talking to someone who understands helps. 15 kg weight gain is not a lot in the great scheme of things

Other things that have helped me? Being totally open and honest with everyone. I never pretend to be OK when I am not. Asking for help when needed and accepting that help. Don’t be too proud. Your friends and family want to help but do not always know how, so let them know what they can do to help from cooking for you to taking the kids for a day to giving you a hug.

I kept in my mind the parable of the Oak and the Willow. the Oak and the Willow are standing at the edge of the wood and a huge storm comes along. the Oak stands tall and strong but in the end the storm is too much and the oak is broken by it. The willow bends down before the storm moving with it and when the storm has passed the willow springs up again ready to carry on. Be a willow not an oak

good luck – and while I claim no monopoly on wisdom on this I am perfectly happy to listen if you need to vent to a stranger who has been through something similar.

Gnusmus – you have helped me as well.

I just looked up the parables! Its really the tree and the reed I mean – the oak and the willow is slightly different! Anyway you get the point

Cheers TJ. I am saving the help for later when I know I will really need it. Love the tree story and being a typical man try to be the oak when in fact I know I need to be more flexible and open. Unbelievably having these discussions on here really helps.
Bread cut down has begun with breakfast change!!

Had you been reaching for food that contains a lot of carbs as if so they can be pleasing when you feel low but then the sugar high drops back down along with your mood and so a cycle is created where you crave more carbs chasing that high again.I try to avoid bread and potatoes but it’s hard

I’m sorry to hear your news.
Exercise is the one thing that works for me. It’s hard though to fit in around work and family. Sorts my head out, and my weight.
I’ve started commuting on an ebike, 40 miles a day and most days. 2-3 hrs a day at 110-130 bpm seems to do the trick. Saving money as well. I used to go to the gym befor work and do weights, this was good as well, but not so much for fat burning, but looked decent and got my endorphin hit.

Quick low carb breakfast idea I’ve recently been having is a 2 egg Omelette, nice and thin, don’t overcook, spread with a bit of cream cheese, add in wilted Spinach and some chopped sun dried tomatoes and roll up for a tasty wrap effect.

Big hugs to everyone who is struggling atm.
The things I do for helping with weight loss are: Having a huge bowl of porridge in the morning. This is filling and if made half milk, half water and with some dried fruit gives you energy, calcium and vitamins, also roughage.
Drink water when possible, sipping it throughout the day keeps you hydrated and is calorie free.
Once you’ve had your evening meal clean your teeth, this will put you off wanting any more food.
For stress I can’t recommend walking enough, especially out in green spaces.
If you have binoculars, take them with you and start watching the birds, butterflies and other creatures.
Even a quick, short walk in the evening will make you feel so much better.
I don’t find diets helpful at all. They put too much pressure on a person and a little treat every now and again is a must.

Good luck

Thanks again everyone. Generally in a better state of mind already with thanks to everyone on here as part of the process!
Drinking more water and making more time.
Have also dropped managing a trail therapy project I got the funding for. I was meant to be delivering the project on the ground but another opportunity stopped this and ultimately wasn’t the same but helped get funding for 2 years to support the project. We are looking for new participants in the autumn based in Plymouth.
Thanks again everyone.