Other halves…

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  • Other halves…
  • hooli
    Member

    So like a few of you on here, I have a young family and a full time job so have to be mindful of my hobbies and how much time I am out so I don’t neglect my wife and kids.

    In my circle of friends, most of us are in a similar position and we had a strange conversation at the football on Saturday about one of the lads whos wife wouldn’t let him come out. Opinions on the subject seemed to range from “I work hard all week so I will do as I please on the weekends/evenings” to “I ask my wifes permission but I had better make the dinner etc first so she is in a good mood”

    I was surprised at this and I was surprised at just how much control people let their partners have on their lives where they have to ask for permission to do something like a night ride or visit to the pub. Keeping in mind a night ride will set off after the kids are in bed so the impact on family life is minimal.

    I think the wife and I have a fair balance where I will check if she is out on XX night and ask if she minds if I go to football/pub/ride etc. My wife will do the same and it means we each get some time to do as we please but we also get some time as a couple or family depending on the time of day.

    So what works for you? Are you quite controlling of your other half or the other way around?

    prawny
    Member

    Neither, I check with her if she minds whether I go out or not if she hasn’t got anything planned, she does the same. It works.

    People externally often think I have to ask permission, I don’t know f her friends think the same but that’s not how it is. I think many of my friends and work colleagues can’t understand that I would rather spend time with my wife (who is my best friend) than getting pissed in town spending money that I’d rather spend on bike bits.

    People are stupid.

    JEngledow
    Member

    I think many of my friends and work colleagues can’t understand that I would rather spend time with my wife (who is my best friend) than getting pissed in town spending money that I’d rather spend on bike bits.

    +1

    Premier Icon zippykona
    Subscriber

    I’m more controlling of myself than my wife is if me.
    If its a choice between cutting the grass or going for a ride, the grass wins even though mrs Zip will say I should ride.

    Premier Icon Drac
    Subscriber

    I check for childcare and that’s it. If we one us wants a night out or a day away then it’s seen as done, even on NYE.

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Subscriber

    It is a balance in my view. I like spending time with mrs_oab and mini_oab’s. I have many pressures on time from work and other commitments – not least the kids doing all sorts.
    However, both mrs_oab and I agree that us heading out individually is good for us, and means we can do things we want to, not compromised. For example, I would love a muddy, cold November bike ride – where mrs_oab would like to read a book. I would paddle a cold river in December – mrs_oab would spend time with mates. It is not ‘permission’, I usually know the answer before I ask in anyway – as I have thought about mrs_oab and family.
    We also have the great ability to share things – we like walking, biking, paddling, sailing and general adventures. SO we do lots together.

    Premier Icon jam bo
    Subscriber

    Checking if its alright to go out is not the same as asking permission.

    Premier Icon kcal
    Subscriber

    I think there may be lots of banter about “brownie points” and “a late pass” when they’re really just expressions of thoughts and consideration as above.

    I have stepped over acceptable time away in the past but looking back it did seem like I was trying to avoid being at home (subconsciously, maybe I was..)

    I think the balance is pretty good and being around during day time means that errands or child ferrying is shared equally as well. Likewise I’ll be making tea a couple evenings a week and a bundle of other household chores.

    Junkyard
    Member

    I was surprised at this and I was surprised at just how much control people let their partners have on their lives where they have to ask for permission to do something like a night ride or visit to the pub

    Depends on whether its is permission or consideration.

    I cannot imagine and ignoring them and doing what you want leads to a successful marriage

    Its a balance thing.

    hooli
    Member

    I agree that it is about balance and I enjoy spending time with my wife and family too, I also enjoy riding my bike/the pub/rugby/football etc

    My experience is that this isn’t the case for everybody, hence the comment about making sure the Mrs was in a good mood before asking…

    Premier Icon SaxonRider
    Subscriber

    I always check with ‘Mission Control’ before I make plans, because she has a head for what’s going on with various members of the family, and I simply do not.

    I am liable to say ‘yes’ to a ride 10 minutes after I have just been invited to a wedding (or some such thing). So, not permission, then; just thoughtfulness.

    organic355
    Member

    I think many of my friends and work colleagues can’t understand that I would rather spend time with my wife (who is my best friend) than getting pissed in town spending money that I’d rather spend on bike bits.
    +1

    +2

    Premier Icon BoardinBob
    Subscriber

    We come and go as we please and everything balances out. Neither of us ever has to ask permission from the other to do anything, and if that was the kind of relationship I was in, I’d be heading straight for the door. I believe the term is “pussy whipped”…

    Premier Icon ir_bandito
    Subscriber

    I think there may be lots of banter about “brownie points” and “a late pass” when they’re really just expressions of thoughts and consideration as above.

    Well put. My wife always tells me that I don’t need to go on about brownie points or a pass-out, but it is just me making sure I’m not leaving her stuck on her own with the kids if she doesn’t want to be. Main reason I do most of my riding (and bike-fettling) at night is so it doesn’t interfere with family life. If I know she’s happily got other plans on a weekend, that’s when I’ll go out for a day-ride.

    slowmart
    Member

    Each to their own and what works for them

    You need love respect and trust. Each overlaps and one can’t stand alone.

    Ok you aren’t always going to agree but its how you disagree that’s important. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff so focus on the important aspects both individually and as a couple.

    Married for 17 years and I love her more than ever.

    Premier Icon ddmonkey
    Subscriber

    I am guilty of using the term “asking for permission” when what I really mean is checking if its a problem or clashes with something, I think its a turn of phrase for most rather than being literal.

    Premier Icon ddmonkey
    Subscriber

    Must dash – Mrs ddmonkey has got a Yoga class tonight 🙂

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Subscriber

    I very rarely go out on rides now and even then it’s a local 2 hour spin. I have been on maybe one or two days out in years.

    But it’s not because she controls me. I am aware of how she and the kids feel, and I don’t want to make them unhappy by leaving. They love me and miss me when I am not there. And of course I miss them too. So I keep my fitness going with commutes, runs and the odd spin and when they are older and doing their own thing I will get some more riding in. Hopefully with my wife 🙂

    jon1973
    Member

    My wife doesn’t tell me what to do. Last week I treated myself to a new ironing board cover without even asking her first.

    Premier Icon mattbee
    Subscriber

    I’m more likely to arrange stuff to do with friends when my wife is working, as I enjoy spending time with her. Kinda why we got married. There are a few exceptions, such as my Thirsday night ride and the odd weekend event but generally I try and be there when she is.
    It won’t stop me doing something if I want to though, and she is the same.
    It is handy using the wife as an excuse if I can’t be arsed to go out drinking or whatever but haven’t got a better excuse! I think several friends do the same though.

    fasthaggis
    Member

    My wife significant other doesn’t tell me what to do. Last week I treated myself to a new ironing board cover baking book without even asking her first.

    Life on the edge that’s me.
    Could we have some Les Dawson jokes for this thread please 😉

    Premier Icon footflaps
    Subscriber

    My wife makes me submit leave forms in triplicate, three months in advance. She then feeds them to the cats……

    ‘Having a late pass’ just means I’ve checked there isn’t any prearranged things going on, be that childcare or anything else. I’m crap at remembering if stuff has been organised, so I check.

    Bu there’s a balance to be made.

    If I was out all the time, I’d question why I was married in the first place.

    But as prawny said right at the start, I married my wife for a reason and I’d rather spend time with her (and these days, with the offspring, as well).

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    I am guilty of using the term “asking for permission” when what I really mean is checking if its a problem or clashes with something, I think its a turn of phrase for most rather than being literal.

    Yeah, likewise. I think that’s pretty common, amongst my mates anyway. I’d perhaps say something like “I’ll see if I’m allowed to play out”, which is an intentionally silly way of phrasing it. I’d be mortified if I thought for a second that any of my friends genuinely believed that I’d to ask permission.

    It’s not even a planning thing, we have a shared calendar for that. But for all I know she’s had a lousy day and be looking forward to a relaxing night in together, so I’d want to give priority to spending a night with the girl I love over going for a pint with a mate. It’s not being told what to do, it’s not being an arse.

    CountZero
    Member

    I’m not in any kind of relationship at the moment, but if I was, then I would expect there to be a mutual understanding that both of us have their own interests, and that each should be free to indulge those interests, provided that it doesn’t inconvenience either party. That’s always worked in past relationships, without friction. Possibly because I’ve always been fortunate to find S/O’s who were always very easy-going, and never wished to spoil things that I enjoyed doing, which also worked the other way around, too. Several of my ex’s are still my best friends, so we must have done something right. 😀

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
    Subscriber

    My wife – as she works part time and does the bulk of the running around after the kids – puts most stuff on the family calendar so I always check with her and/or the calendar – I like to refer to it as asking for permission, but my time is not controlled by my wife*

    Tuesday night is her night out (Guide leader), Wednesday night is my night out for riding, Thursday we share ferrying kids to activities, Sunday morning I ride while she is at home with the kids, Sunday afternoon we share the swimming club run, but any other times are negotiable around each other, the kids, her Masters course….

    Premier Icon lapierrelady
    Subscriber

    We love riding together, that’s why we got married. Usually the argument is over which bike! It does help however that we spend the week apart so we can pursue our own interests then.

Viewing 27 posts - 1 through 27 (of 27 total)

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