• This topic has 69 replies, 52 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by jimmy.
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  • Old mate contact dilema WWSTW do?
  • Premier Icon MrSparkle
    Free Member

    In my late teens and into my 30’s I had a mate (amongst a ‘friendship group’ for want of a better phrase). We were fairly close – camping hols, chasing women, generally pissing it up. During our teens he had another mate who, if he clicked his fingers, ‘N’ would drop us completely and come running. It was a bit annoying but we just accepted it. He started seeing this girl and we saw less of him as it got more serious. Finally they married. A few of us had misgivings about this as we had an idea what she was like but what can you do? Anyway we would see him on and off. Got him into xc MTB back in the day and occasionally did stuff with him. Anyhoo, eventually he realised that his Mrs had been playing away and he had a bit of a breakdown. I felt very sorry for him and used to take him out to the pub with another lad and take him to the footy etc etc. Just trying to be a friend and keep an eye on him, really.

    Eventually he started seeing another woman. Around this time I had my 40th birthday and had a bit of a Do so I invited ‘N’. He texted me saying basically ‘We don’t have much in common these days so I won’t be coming’. This was a bit of a kick in the nuts to me. It properly rankled. So we lost contact.

    A year or so ago my wife got a FB contact from him saying that he’d been trying to trace me and could she pass a message on. I ignored it. Then a few months later one of my daughters got something similar – asking is she was my daughter and if so would she ask me to got in contact with him. I didn’t bother. Then a couple of days ago I got a text on my phone ‘Hi, I found this number during a house move. Are you still alive? N’.

    I just can’t make my mind up to get in contact or not. He was a decent bloke and we have shared a fair bit of history but I still remember being stung by his reply about my 40th. So, in time honoured stylee WWSTW do?

    Premier Icon sharkbait
    Free Member

    Life’s too short.
    Reply and make contact again – if it transpires that he’s still a dick tell him so and go happily on your way.

    Edit: people change all the time.

    Premier Icon mashr
    Free Member

    Probably slightly harsh, but there are radiators and drains in the world. He sounds like the latter

    Premier Icon ernielynch
    Free Member

    Yeah get in contact. He made a mistake when he blew you out on your 40th, a big mistake, but life’s too short to bear grudges against a mate. Forget about the hurt and bitterness and move on.

    Premier Icon fasthaggis
    Full Member

    Tell him ‘Life’s too short and we don’t have anything in common anymore,good luck’
    😈

    Premier Icon scuttler
    Full Member

    Remember some friends are just flakier than others / you. Get back in touch but don’t be shy telling him he hurt your feelings.

    Premier Icon doomanic
    Full Member

    If you didn’t think we had anything in common amy more x years ago, what makes you think that has changed?

    Some “friends” will only remember you for what you can do for them, not what they have to offer you.

    Premier Icon scandal42
    Full Member

    Find out what he actually wants…..

    Premier Icon big_n_daft
    Free Member

    I would suggest he now feels he needs you again

    If you want to make space in your life for him do so, but it sounds like you don’t need him

    Premier Icon tjagain
    Full Member

    Be the bigger bloke and contact him. It might go well or it might be that he is after something. What have you got to lose?

    I lost contact with an old friend ( mainly my fault) and he was annoyed with me for doing so. made contact again after a decade and we are getting on great

    Premier Icon sandwicheater
    Full Member

    Forgive and forget, life’s to short and all that jazz.

    He may have changed/want to apologise for the dick move, you’ll never know.

    Just have a frozen toilet sausage ready to hammer into his lawn should the need arise.

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Find out what he actually wants…..

    This. Then unless he’s giving you a million from his lottery win for standing by him in the past, then you kick him into touch.

    Premier Icon MrSparkle
    Free Member

    Lol! Thanks for all the advice everyone.

    Premier Icon Rich_s
    Full Member

    Anyone else thinking MLM? 😁

    Premier Icon ernielynch
    Free Member

    He texted me saying basically …..

    Are you absolutely certain that there isn’t another possible interpretation?

    Either way his repeated attempts to link up with you suggests that he deeply regrets you and him drifting apart. He obviously knows that you have ignored his attempts to make contact and yet he has persisted, I reckon he deserves a chance for that reason alone.

    Premier Icon tonyd
    Free Member

    Given you’ve posted on here to ask for advice, and how hurt you were when he blew you out, it seems to me you want to get in touch so get in touch and take it from there.

    Premier Icon chipps
    Full Member

    I drifted apart from a very close friend a decade ago. He got married and threw himself at their new life together and we just drifted apart. I didn’t particularly get on with his wife, but he seemed happy enough, and I didn’t make any effort to try to bridge the gap. Then he came round to see me one evening – but I was away and didn’t get to hear about it until a few months later. A short time later he killed himself. It sounded like he was trying to do a farewell tour of his friends and I always wonder if I could have made a difference.

    Get in touch, what’s the worse that could happen? He’s gone to great efforts to contact you. Unless he’s trying to sign you up to a Ponzi scheme or the Scientologists, then there’s some underlying reason for him to do so…

    Premier Icon 5plusn8
    Free Member

    Everyone has pain, maybe he had some bad stuff going on when he rejected you before. You first need to forgivre him for that, wether you make contact again or not. Thats a primary job for you to do for your own sake.
    However, you don’t have a moral obligation to remake contact, the question is, after you have got over the hurt from before do you care about him, do you want to see him?

    Premier Icon ElVino
    Full Member

    and keep us posted on how it turns out, most of us facing some version of this on a semi regular basis.

    Premier Icon mrmonkfinger
    Free Member

    What sandwicheater said.

    Premier Icon GolfChick
    Free Member

    Yeah you don’t know his real reasons for ditching you for your birthday, could be he had a lot of stuff going on that he just didnt know how to articulate, you never know maybe he didn’t want to drag you into it and was doing you a favour. Either way this could be a good way to experience closure, you’ve obviously always wondered why and what happened in the back of your mind so this could be your chance to properly close a door.

    Premier Icon stcolin
    Free Member

    Can’t offer anything other than with just less than a year to go until my own 40th, I’ve given up on close friendships. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people don’t a f*#k about you, and like this fella, once he gets bored with one thing he’ll come running back. Have been burnt by that a few times.

    Good luck.

    Premier Icon grum
    Full Member

    I’d get back in touch with him, he might have been depressed or having a difficult time around your 40th and couldn’t face it. I wouldn’t waste too much energy on it though, life’s too short.

    I had my 40th recently and despite lots of invites it was only mates I’ve made in the last five years after some major life changes who came – we had a brilliant time, so whatevs. I was very close with several old friends for many years until it all exploded unpleasantly – it’s a bit sad but also needed to happen I think.

    Premier Icon andybrad
    Full Member

    friends are just that, friends. you drift closer and further apart at different times of your life. I certainly wouldn’t hold anything against anyone of they wanted to get back intouch.

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Full Member

    Talk to him, hear him out – but put your feelings first would be my guidance. You seem to have been a great friend to him in the past – you owe it to yourself to make sure that whatever happens you don’t leave yourself with a ‘what if…’

    Look after yourself!

    Premier Icon dirksdiggler
    Free Member

    Reads to me like his then new girlfriend veto’d his attendance of your party and he’s finally out of another toxic relationship and able to get a social life back and recognises you as a genuine friend.
    I’d pick up the phone.

    Premier Icon anagallis_arvensis
    Full Member

    Give him a chance, tell him how you felt. We never know what’s really going on.
    I have a mate from years ago he only gets in touch when he needs money…I help out, it’s only small amounts and he always pays back. It’s a bit sad, but life always seems too busy and we were food friends once, he’s had a lot of struggles.

    Premier Icon leffeboy
    Full Member

    Likes this place 🙂

    Life is too short and is complicated. You don’t really know who will affect you and vice versa. It doesn’t hurt to go have a beer and chat

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    Was any part of any of those messages “I’m sorry”?

    He’s had decades to not treat you like dirt, why do you think he’s going to have suddenly changed now.

    Life’s too short.
    Reply and make contact again

    Life’s too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.
    Bollocks to him.

    I’ve had a few ‘friends’ like that over the years, fair-weather friends until something / someone better comes along, or people who just want something from you. I guarantee that whatever reason he’s trying to get in contact with you, it’ll be for his benefit not yours.

    He’s had decades to not treat you like dirt, why do you think he’s going to have suddenly changed now?

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    Tell him ‘Life’s too short and we don’t have anything in common anymore, good luck’

    Also, this.

    Premier Icon TheBrick
    Free Member

    Yeah get in contact. He made a mistake when he blew you out on your 40th, a big mistake, but life’s too short to bear grudges against a mate. Forget about the hurt and bitterness and move on

    This 100%. Holding grudges and bitterness cause you as much damage as him. He said something a bit nasty one he made an error. Might have been feeling shit at the time and you were just the unlucky one.

    Premier Icon MSP
    Full Member

    Lull him into a false sense of security, then when he least suspects what might happen, wee in his shoes.

    Premier Icon Trimix
    Free Member

    Forget the past, you cant change it.

    Give him a ring and go for a beer. You will probably have a laugh remembering the good things you shared.

    One of the 3 top regrets old people have when they are close to the end is losing touch with friends.

    Premier Icon FuzzyWuzzy
    Full Member

    I’d give him a chance but I’d certainly be upfront with him if you do meet up about the way you think he’s treated your friendship and that it’s not acceptable – hopefully he acknowledges that and has a decent explanation/apology, if instead he gets the hump and thinks you’re in the wrong then I’d not be in a hurry to meet up again.

    Premier Icon nickc
    Full Member

    I agree with ernie, life’s too short. Reach out, if it doesn’t go well, you maybe wasted a few hours. Regret lasts much longer.

    Premier Icon lucky7500
    Full Member

    He made a mistake when he blew you out on your 40th, a big mistake
    If you want to make space in your life for him do so, but it sounds like you don’t need him
    maybe he had some bad stuff going on when he rejected you before. You first need to forgive him for that, you don’t have a moral obligation to remake contact
    Was any part of any of those messages “I’m sorry”?
    be upfront with him if you do meet up about the way you think he’s treated your friendship and that it’s not acceptable – hopefully he acknowledges that and has a decent explanation/apology

    Seriously, the guy turned down an invitation to an adults birthday party.

    This

    friends are just that, friends. you drift closer and further apart at different times of your life. I certainly wouldn’t hold anything against anyone of they wanted to get back intouch.

    and this

    Reads to me like his then new girlfriend veto’d his attendance of your party and he’s finally out of another toxic relationship and able to get a social life back

    is the sensible advice.

    Premier Icon ransos
    Free Member

    Life’s too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.

    We’re all arseholes at times. If he’s trying hard to make amends then it wouldn’t seem like a huge imposition to give him a chance.

    Premier Icon Sui
    Free Member

    im with dirkdigglers on this one – he probably never even saw the text from you! Stop acting like a cliquey school girl.. even if he does need you to lean on, so what you don’t always have to expect something in return – i never quite understand this mantra -do it because its the right thing.

    Premier Icon mrsheen
    Free Member

    For the sake of a pint or coffee maybe just meet and ask how things are. I think blokes aren’t great at keeping in touch or giving a hoot. Me included. We have our own lives I guess. Even if you don’t see a future with him as a pal he might be lonely and it might cheer him up enough to give him a boost to try and make new pals. I really struggle making friends and have naturally grown apart from school mates and only see them once in a blue moon. I’m fine with that tbh. I’ve made efforts on major birthdays and had naff all on my most recent from any of them. So yeah don’t give it too much thought but maybe ‘reach out’ as the kids say.
    Good luck.

    Premier Icon Scienceofficer
    Free Member

    Life pulls us in different directions all the time.

    My philosophy on this is if you were good friends, you’d both have made the effort to still be in touch irrespective.

    No harm in saying ‘hi’, but surely it’s clear you’re not that close.

    You don’t need to over think this, and you’re not in the cast of Eastenders.

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