Viewing 40 posts - 121 through 160 (of 226 total)
  • Not having children
  • deadlydarcy
    Free Member

    Oh and @wrecker…drop me a she-mail will ya!!

    hora
    Free Member

    I was telling people at work about my weekend and my sons name was peppered in there alot. I became aware of how dull I now sound (like binners).

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I’m not a reluctant potential dad. I’m not going to be a dad. I have no interest.

    +1. Fundamentally, I don’t like kids. I don’t want kids in the same way that I don’t want the Flu or an alligator. When proud new mums bring their pride and joy into work after maternity leave, I go and brew up and wait till they’ve buggered off.

    You can argue as much as you like about it “being different when it’s your own” and I don’t doubt that’s the case for many people. I’m sure that, if I were thrust into that situation, I’d probably make a pretty good dad. And I can see benefits to it (if nothing else it’s an excuse to buy Lego). But ultimately I don’t want the responsibility or the expense, and I just don’t like kids. I’m not wired that way.

    I’m having fun on my own, thanks all the same, and I don’t need some offspring to make my life complete. If I wanted a dependant I’d get a kitten; I’d love a kitten, the only thing stopping me is the impact it’d have on the time I could spend away from home.

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    Cougar
    Full Member

    Do you expect your parent friends and acquaintances never to talk about their kids in your presence?

    Not at all. But I expect them to talk about something else occasionally too.

    muppetWrangler
    Free Member

    I became aware of how dull I now sound

    This self awareness will be your saviour.

    gonefishin
    Free Member

    From my point of view I can never understand the snobbishness, sneering and outright hostility some people show whenever the subject of kids is mentioned (this thread is a great example).

    So you came onto a thread where people have expressed frustration and annoyance at the societal pressure to have kids, you go on about how awesome having kids is and what a wonderful experience it is and how everyone should just do it and then you are surprised when people react negaively? Did any ability to think rationally get removed when your kid was born.

    For the record, and the upteenth time, those of us without kids don’t, in general, think negatively of those who do. What we dislike is being told how awesome being a parent is and that we don’t know what we are missing. You made your choice, and I’ve made mine and I’m happy with it. Perhaps one day I’ll change my mind, who knows, but if I do and I start going on about how awesome being a dad is I sincerely hope that someone will tell me to wind my neck in.

    yunki
    Free Member

    I wonder of some of the non-breeders feel a bit of insecurity..? It seems to be showing on this thread a little bit, there’s definitely some unwarranted defensiveness..

    I know that I felt a bit inadequate for a while at times before I was a dad, on a very personal level..
    But is there really any societal pressure to have kids..? I really never experienced anything like that

    I don’t think that anyone is trying to tell anyone to have kids.. or is going on about how amazing it is.. Should parents really not be able to speak openly about their experiences for fear of offending non-breeders or being accused of ‘preaching’..?

    retrogirl
    Free Member

    I find when you give birth everyone around you are still not satisfied as they start asking you when you are having the next one 😯

    sweepy
    Free Member

    I’m having fun on my own, thanks all the same, and I don’t need some offspring to make my life complete. If I wanted a dependant I’d get a kitten; I’d love a kitten, the only thing stopping me is the impact it’d have on the time I could spend away from home.

    We go away quite happily for a few weeks at a time just putting down a bucket of dried food, a bucket of water and leaving the bathroom window open. Thats for adult cats, try it with kids and you might get in trouble.

    grum
    Free Member

    I’ve never seen any parents preaching to people who don’t have kids.

    There’s several examples of it in this thread, including from you.

    I wonder of some of the non-breeders feel a bit of insecurity..? It seems to be showing on this thread a little bit, there’s definitely some unwarranted defensiveness..

    I dunno – mebbe – I think people going on constantly about not only how wonderful and amazing their children are, but how wonderful and amazing it has made them too, it’s natural for it to raise the hackles slightly. I get that people love their kids, but a little perspective might be nice. Yes your kid is the most important thing in the world to you, but not to everyone else, sorry.

    But is there really any societal pressure to have kids..? I really never experienced anything like that

    I don’t think that anyone is trying to tell anyone to have kids.. or is going on about how amazing it is..

    Really?

    wrecker
    Free Member

    Oh and @wrecker…drop me a she-mail will ya!!

    Inbound Darcy.

    deadlydarcy
    Free Member

    For the record, and the upteenth time, those of us without kids don’t, in general, think negatively of those who do. What we dislike is being told how awesome being a parent is and that we don’t know what we are missing. You made your choice, and I’ve made mine and I’m happy with it. Perhaps one day I’ll change my mind, who knows, but if I do and I start going on about how awesome being a dad is I sincerely hope that someone will tell me to wind my neck in.

    One sees your point. Taking it further, then nobody should ever mention anything that he or she does that is awesome. Jeez, have you heard some people going on about bikes, their favourite sport, the football or rugby team they follow? I genuinely feel for some of the people on this thread. They seem to be surrounded with bores. I dunno, when anyone asks me how the little fella is, I generally customise my reply according to their situation and how interested they’ll be. If they’re childless, then I’ll generally just say, “Yeah, all’s well, but I won’t bore you with details” (like you bore me about your holidays/bikes/cars/cameras/iPad/football/F1/computer/RPG games) 🙂

    grum
    Free Member

    Saying how awesome it is – fine (in moderation).

    Saying how awesome it is and you don’t know what you’re missing and you just don’t understand – patronising and irritating.

    binners
    Full Member

    hora – Member

    I was telling people at work about my weekend and my sons name was peppered in there alot. I became aware of how dull I now sound (like binners).

    To be fair I was incredibly tedious even before parenthood. Just more so afterwards.

    It does make me laugh prior to your offspring when your standard response, on being told I wasn’t coming riding at the weekend, was ‘but why not?”. And your failure to comprehend my standard response

    erm…. because I’ve got young kids. The idea of freetime, to go riding, is now more a sort of an abstract theoretical concept

    Cougar
    Full Member

    We go away quite happily for a few weeks at a time just putting down a bucket of dried food, a bucket of water and leaving the bathroom window open. Thats for adult cats, try it with kids and you might get in trouble.

    (-:

    TBH, when I had a cat I did much the same, I got a multi-day feeder and a cat flap. Just never struck me as particularly fair.

    Should parents really not be able to speak openly about their experiences for fear of offending non-breeders..?

    You’re missing the point. Speak about your experiences, tell me how great it is, that’s cool. But don’t make it the only thing you talk about or you become a tedious bore, and don’t make out like I’ve done something wrong or I’m somehow inferior for making a different choice. Not that I’m saying anyone here is doing that particularly, but it happens. I’ve had grannies of girlfriends making suggestions of wedding bells and patters of tiny feet a couple of months into a relationship, and it’s frankly uncomfortable.

    Random example, mate of mine has three girls. We chat often, about tech, games, cars, and about the parenting challenges he’s had and anecdotes about what his kids are up to. It’s interesting.

    I’ve another friend who as soon as she reproduced turned into a woman obsessed. Her entire interaction with the world was “babies babies babies babies babies babies *deep breath* babies babies babies babies” and it got very old, very fast. Everything she wrote on the web would sneak a child reference in no matter how tenuous and unrelated it was. “Bought a new car today, took the child with me.” I get that the child is the centre of your universe (and rightly so), arguably even more so for a new mother than a father, but for gods’ sake it’s a big universe.

    dazh
    Full Member

    you go on about how awesome having kids is and what a wonderful experience it is and how everyone should just do it and then you are surprised when people react negaively?

    And I did that where exactly?

    There’s several examples of it in this thread, including from you.

    Eh? Where was that exactly? I basically suggested that people shouldn’t pre-judge it based on pre-conceptions as they’re more than likely wrong. Is that preaching?

    hmanchester
    Free Member

    Mark, that’s an excellent post and a really good perspective from someone with a different viewpoint.

    I’ve never seen any parents preaching to people who don’t have kids.

    Have you actually read this thread?! Also, I’ve had it twice in the last two days at work. Both unsolicited, both directly critical of my life choices (I hardly even know these people!), and both massively patronising.

    Should parents really not be able to speak openly about their experiences for fear of offending non-breeders..?

    Yes absolutely, but as soon as you start telling us that the personal life decision we’re making is wrong, with absolutely no knowledge about us, then don’t be suprised if we baulk slightly.

    deadlydarcy
    Free Member

    Saying how awesome it is and you don’t know what you’re missing and you just don’t understand – patronising and irritating.

    Apply the same to bikes, football, snowboarding, photography.

    Bores will be bores.

    stilltortoise
    Free Member

    Our last holiday was September 2009.

    I miss skiing holidays. I miss weekends – and sometimes weeks – away cycling. I miss taking several foreign holidays a year (that was an exceptional and unusual year). I miss those impromptu trips out to dinner or a concert. However I don’t miss them nearly as much as I used to. This is because – finally – I’ve grown to realise that the path I’ve chosen of parenthood simply can’t be the path I trod before my first child was born. Sure, those paths may cross from time to time but I’m genuinely enjoying – rather than enduring – the new adventure.

    My kids are 4 and 6. This is an ACE age. Our holidays are inexpensive trips in the UK, visiting castles and playing on beaches, having walks and pub lunches. They’re the holidays I enjoyed as a kid and I enjoy them just as much as a parent.

    There are some blooming tough times parenting and I wouldn’t wish what we’ve been through on anyone, but currently I’m enjoying an absolutely delightful stage. My vague point is that whatever dark times parenthood has brought upon you, just keep the faith 🙂

    gonefishin
    Free Member

    dahz

    So whatever your pre-conceptions, ignore them because they’re probably wrong.

    That’s where.

    hmanchester
    Free Member

    I basically suggested that people shouldn’t pre-judge it based on pre-conceptions as they’re more than likely wrong. Is that preaching?

    Preach: To advocate, especially to urge acceptance of or compliance with.

    Yes, it’s preaching.

    grum
    Free Member

    Apply the same to bikes, football, snowboarding, photography.

    Bores will be bores.

    Aye, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘you don’t know what you’re missing’ in relation to anything other than parenting. I will admit to being guilty of boring on about snowboarding sometimes though. 🙂

    I basically suggested that people shouldn’t pre-judge it based on pre-conceptions as they’re more than likely wrong. Is that preaching?

    You said, ‘you’re wrong, because my life experience suggests x’. That the only reason people wouldn’t want kids is because of their misguided preconceptions. Can you really not see how that is patronising/preachy?

    binners
    Full Member

    Just reading some of this lot just confirms one of the main issues with parenthood. It really, really does make you into one right soppy bastard! 😉

    hmanchester
    Free Member

    Saying how awesome it is – fine (in moderation).

    Saying how awesome it is and you don’t know what you’re missing and you just don’t understand – patronising and irritating.

    Nailed it.

    stilltortoise
    Free Member

    It really, really does make you into one right soppy bastard!

    so true 😆

    deadlydarcy
    Free Member

    Aye, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘you don’t know what you’re missing’ in relation to anything other than parenting. I will admit to being guilty of boring on about snowboarding sometimes though.

    Y’know, neither have I. I’ve heard lots of non-breeders mentioning it on STW though. I’m pretty pleased with the friends and acquaintances I have now. Lots of other folks’ sound awful. 🙂

    dazh
    Full Member

    Have you actually read this thread?! Also, I’ve had it twice in the last two days at work.

    I think you confuse ‘preaching’ with just ‘talking’. I’d be interested in knowing exactly what your judgemental work colleagues said to you, as it sounds very strange to me, and not something I’ve ever come across.

    grum
    Free Member

    Y’know, neither have I. I’ve heard lots of non-breeders mentioning it on STW though. I’m pretty pleased with the friends and acquaintances I have now. Lots of other folks’ sound awful.

    [semi-troll]
    Most of my mates were great until they had kids – now they’re dull and self-righteous. The worst part is they’ve lost all perspective so they don’t even notice what they’ve become. 😉
    [\semi-troll]

    yunki
    Free Member

    so, to summarise

    non-breeders are an inferior unfulfilled sub-species and should be treated like a cute and house trained but rather irritating pet..?

    Most of my mates were great until they had kids – now they’re dull and self-righteous. The worst part is they’ve lost all perspective so they don’t even notice what they’ve become.

    this is the curse of parenting unfortunately.. the offspring steal all that it young and free and vibrant in your soul – it’s their right to take it as theirs, and our duty to pass it on..

    It must actually be quite horrific for the non-breeders to watch all their mates be taken one by one to have the life sucked out of them, wandering listlessly amongst their non-breeding friends, a husk of their former self..

    like a real life horror movie – no wonder you’ve all got issues!

    FWIW we DO notice Grum, it’s just that in the parenting vortex no-one can hear us scream

    grum
    Free Member

    so, to summarise
    non-breeders are an inferior unfulfilled sub-species and should be treated like a cute and house trained but rather irritating pet..?

    Yes.

    deadlydarcy
    Free Member

    so, to summarise
    non-breeders are an inferior unfulfilled sub-species and should be treated like a tame but rather irritating pet..?

    😆

    Nailed it.

    The worst part is they’ve lost all perspective so they don’t even notice what they’ve become.

    I feel for you. This didn’t happen with any of ours and we were one of the last couples in our peer group to have a kid. Occasionally, I would think some of them were going on a bit, but I sucked it up as they were good friends, and part of being a friend is listening and being supportive sometimes. Not just withering on about what only I’m interested in.

    EDIT: Ah, 🙂 just noticed your edit. Apply the same to mine.

    dazh
    Full Member

    You said, ‘you’re wrong, because my life experience suggests x’. That the only reason people wouldn’t want kids is because of their misguided preconceptions. Can you really not see how that is patronising/preachy?

    Well, what can I say, other than you have a remarkable ability to misunderstand or misread something?

    For the record, my point, in simple terms, is that non-parents can’t possibly know what it’s like beforehand, and that any pre-conceptions they may have on it are probably wrong. I have absolutely no opinion on whether you should have kids, whether it’s a good or bad thing for you, or whether it would make your life better or worse. That is for you to find out. Like I said, it’s simply a leap of faith.

    hora
    Free Member

    Can I get a refund on mine? Warranty return?

    Binners, you have two girls, fancy a boy?

    hmanchester
    Free Member

    it sounds very strange to me, and not something I’ve ever come across.

    I guess I made it up then. Either that or as you’re not me, and you do have kids, it’s highly unlikely someone would tell you that you should have kids.

    I think you confuse ‘preaching’ with just ‘talking’

    Nope. Where talking ends and it becomes preaching isn’t a defined line and it will be different for different listeners. For gonefishin and myself it appears that you’ve crossed that line into preaching, especially the comment in question. You don’t think you have, which is fine, but might be useful to know how it comes across to others. Or it might not.

    ddmonkey
    Full Member

    I have three boys, 8, 5 and 0.2 yrs. It is bloody hard work and takes over your life. But last night I stayed up late to fit some riser bars to number 1 son’s new bike. This morning before I went to work we checked it out together and had a chat about bar width’s and what grips he prefers while in our dressing gowns. We will be doing a bit of testing for fun at the weekend in the rain. Life doesn’t get any better IMHO 🙂

    rewski
    Free Member

    Nah, no regrets, although it’s made me reflect on my own childhood sometimes, I never knew my father, can’t help pondering over that one sometimes.

    So my all day epic ride this weekend was cancelled because:

    1. Both my boys had an infestation of headlice that needed endless washing and combing out
    2. My youngest then swallows a pound coin, several hours at A&E

    Nah, no regrets.

    sweepy
    Free Member

    Did you get your pound back?

    grum
    Free Member

    For the record, my point, in simple terms, is that non-parents can’t possibly know what it’s like beforehand, and that any pre-conceptions they may have on it are probably wrong.

    You could just as well say that parents couldn’t possibly know what their lives would have been like if they hadn’t had kids, and all their preconceptions about that are probably wrong. But no-one would bother saying that, because it’s a bit unnecessary, patronising and presumptuous.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘you don’t know what you’re missing’ in relation to anything other than parenting.

    I don’t like football, and I was told something similar by mates who are football fans. I realised that my opinions were perhaps prejudiced and I’d not really given it a chance in recent years so I said, “alright then, let’s see.” I went to watch a couple of local games; Accrington Stanley(*), and Blackburn Rovers when they were in their heyday. Having then discovered what I was missing, I confirmed that I’d been right all along.

    I’ve also been told this in religion threads on this very forum (by Ro5ey and maybe others). Oh, and in a discussion on chiropractic; someone offered to pay for me to visit a back crack quack, but went suddenly quiet when I said “go on, then.”

    (* – who are they?)

    hora
    Free Member

    My youngest then swallows a pound coin, several hours at A&E

    Ha. I went to A&E for:

    1. Knocked myself unconscious falling off a coal shed
    2. slit my hand and leg wide open falling off a building.
    3. Stuck a dried pea up my nostril that became stuck.
    4. Broken wrists
    5. Broken arms

    All before I was even 10.

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