Think im gonna need a new car in the not so distant future.
It needs to –
* take 2 kids to childminders (20 min journey, 3 days a week)
* drive to work and back (approx 50km each way, 3 – 5 days a week)
* fit 2 mtbs in the back, plus kit plus dirtworker etc etc (at the same time as the afore mentioned 2 kids) minimal dismantling required
* be cheapish to buy, 7 or 8 grand max
* be very cheap to run / tax / insure etc
* do occasional mtb weekends away
* be reliable

currently managing with a saxo, but its less than ideal,
Fed up with putting seats down, dropping kids off and then heading back home to get bikes before going to work, biking after work, cleaning bikes, dismantling to fit into car, getting home, removing bikes, rebuilding, putting away, getting kiddie seats out of garage, putting seats up and kiddie seats in …..repeat…..

a berlingo / caddy / partner van would be ideal, except for the fact they’ve only got 2 seats. Seen some with a conversion split rear seat that folds down, but seems to be an aftermarker conversion, which may have safety / legal implications?
the newer fancy one with the 3 front seats will be out of my price range
a defender would be ideal, 3 front seats, but reliability, and running costs would be a bit much i think.
Dont need a 4×4 and they all seem to be huge and very thirsty.

Does anything exist that fits the bill?

You know what the answer is.

Skoda Octavia estate. For your budget you could land a oldshape VRS or a newshape diesel etc.

thinking more along the lines of bikes upright in the back, so they can fit side by side and not lay on top of each other.
i guess that puts me in the realms of either a van or a 4 x 4 monster

octavia is good my and the missus did loads of biking in hers before I got a LWB transit cause i was fed up taking a tent and taking wheels off

Why compromise? If the majority of your driving is non-bike related why not have something comfortable, practical and quieter?

The old shape Zafira fits your description but its horrid to drive.

thats it, i dont really drive that much, we have the big old volvo estate for the family. this is the 2nd car (which i would love to get rid of, but i really think its not possible)

i drive to work 3 days a week (cycle in and share lifts on other days) which is 50km a day. and then biking locally twice a week, and occasionally away for rides elsewhere.
so driving comfort isnt really high on the list of priorities.
i dont want a transit van or big ol’ 4 x 4 because i really dont need it. the new citroen / peugeot car / van with the funky 3 seats in the front really would be ideal, but i think they only came out last year so still very expensive.

yeah, had a zafira as a hire car once, not only horrid to drive but horrid to look at as well.

Citreon Berlingo van is your answer then (comes in 3/4k under budget as well)

only 2 seats in the affordable model. newer model is too expensive but has 3 front seats
where would i put the second child? on the roof?

Hmmmm why not the Berlingo car version then?

Pug 406 estate is dirt cheap and takes 3 bikes upright with one of the back seats down and only the front wheel and seat removed.

Bikes on top of each other are ok if you get something to go between them.

Or a volvo estate. Loads of space in 940’s, V70 etc. Upright both wheels out in the boot.