It’s becoming apparent I have some kind of mass/lump/swelling/irritation somewhere in my bowel/colon causing various poo related problems and mild pain/discomfort. While I wait the three weeks for a GP appointment as I’ve moved two streets out my previous GP catchment area and they won’t see me and have had to register with another, I’d to flush the old pipes out a bit to see if I can get my pootine back in order to see if that helps thing calm down a bit.

What’s best, prunes? Chickpeas go through me like the clappers but with so much gas I don’t really want to risk it all getting stuck and blowing up like a balloon.

dried apricots.

the darker ones.

there’s some sort of chemical they use that. errrm, encourages a fast digestive transit.

Laxative up the arse. Make it fun, use a Joe blow track pump. Or of course cocaine, cigarette, espresso.

Eat as many bowls of All-Bran as you can!

For me a good strong espresso. My max radius to the nearest toilet if I’m going to have an espresso is about 30 second dash with clenched buttocks.

Fruits like melons also loosen things up nicely for me, have a good healthy portion and let them work.

Muesli too, though might take a bit longer to take effect and the results are not the most pleasant.

Also apparently liquorice is good for it, the proper stuff like the sticks or even the root. Not really had that effect on me – I used to love liquorice as a kid and eat it by the bucket loads with no adverse effects, but my dad can’t look at a stick without having to go.

Fig juice.

the orangier dried apricots make me produce more gas than qatar, but not tried the darker ones

didn’t think of all bran and figs, got some prunes though

coffee and cigarettes only cut it if it’s ready to go – I’m looking to scour out the pipes a bit.

considering a colour coded glitter system to track progress. no sign of last night’s sweetcorn yet

Picolax.

Coffee, all bran, lots of water to drink and go for a run or do lots of star jumps.

Magnesium supplements can speed up gastrointestinal transit!

Picolax.

From googling my symptoms, which was a terrible mistake, if I live long enough to get seen and require a colonoscopy that might well be on the cards….

Ducolax – recommend dose is one.

Two is evil.

Take four…

Dare ya….

. . . . colour coded glitter system

Beetroot?

Second dried apricots – with sulphur dioxide as the preservative ingredient.

Quite literally the shittiest afternoon of my adult career, when I bought a big 500g bag, in a drive to replace chocolate in my diet for health reasons. 12 years later, some of my work colleagues still call it “the apricot afternoon”.

My boss tried to send me home, but I had to point out, I wasn’t even going to get to the bus stop, and the 435 to Redhill is not the place to be when you’re doing a reasonable fancy dress impression of a chocolate fountain.

There was a lot of gas, a lot more smell, but ultimately, a fruity geyser erupted.

A tin of fruit salad with a strong coffee chaser.

Lactulose to soften the blow or you will have a sore arse. then hit the sennekot

Jujuuk68, that’s got to be a contender for post of the year, even if this thread doesn’t go the distance. 😂

500g of dried apricots deserves some kind of award!

I feel I should oil up a finger and do some preliminary investigations to see what’s going on but I think the problem is further up

fruit juice, apples,water,alcohol gel from a hospital ward,Picolax, diabetic chocolate,exercise,no bread or cakes, preferably not all together.

Beer and curry.

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-SUGAR-Classic-Gummi-Bears/dp/B006J1FBLM

Shame these are out of stock. Read a few reviews 💩💩💩

Orange juice works for me.

with extra bits.

A pack of sugar free mints should do the job.

It’ll have you shitting through the the eye of a needle in half an hour😯😯

https://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/

Liquorice, lots of liquorice. Bassetts will work.

Dysentery?

Prune juice, drink a pint and wait close to the toilet

I once ate a whole bag of dried apricots – dear god, it was unholy.

My friend has reported similar results by eating a bag of cherries, and the same again eating a big bag of pistachios.  He has impulse control issues apparently.

A good curry and a couple of pints of ale opens the flood gates for me. Fruit, dried fruit, all bran etc has no impact on me at all but curry and beer…… Dangerous.

Just reading the Gummi Bear review had me touching cloth…

Hmmmmm. Many years ago a small child was having difficulties down there, so was administered a daily prune. Chopped and added to porridge.

Child then decided that prunes were the food of the gods and got into a cupboard and ate most of what was left in the bag.

The rest of that weekend has been forgotten. Officially never happened.

Prunes worked quite well. Impressive flow time.

https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/screening/bowel/request-a-bowel-screening-test-kit

http://www.healthscotland.scot/health-topics/screening/bowel-screening

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/bowel-cancer/symptoms/

go to the accident and emergency (A&E) department of your nearest hospital.

I have a decade to go before I qualify for the above, and aware of the symptoms of bower cancer but it’s very unlikely at my age and various other things share the same symptoms. I am trying to get seen sooner than three weeks time but not going to go to A&E unless I’m told to, but thanks

Paton, that a+e advice quoted is from the section of your link about bowel obstruction, which is a medical emergency. Generally, bowel worries are much better off dealt with by the gp.