Once you’ve had depression it’s hard to go back, it’s like stripping away the veneer that gives life a purpose and once you’ve seen how pointless and futile it is you can’t unsee it.

Very perceptive. Setting little goals and targets is really important in dealing with depression because if you only try to see the big picture you would never get out of bed.
One of the first things I tried with my CBT counsellor was doing something I used to enjoy and hadn’t done for a long time. She told me to make a point of doing this every day; just making time for yourself and doing nothing of any importance – just something nice for the hell of it.

I’ve also seen what it does to those left behind. Believe me you’ll be missed and the world of hurt and emotional scars left on those you love will never heal.

This is what stays my hand. Guilt is a powerful tool. Yet there will come a time when I am no longer needed.

Once you’ve had depression it’s hard to go back, it’s like stripping away the veneer that gives life a purpose and once you’ve seen how pointless and futile it is you can’t unsee it.

Douglas Adams – Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy – The Total Perspective Vortex. Always makes me think “What is the point…”

I can’t help you, can’t even help myself, don’t really even want to help myself, certainly don’t want anyone else trying to help, is that even logical? No.

I empathise so much with this.

For anyone thinking they may need to speak to someone about this for the first time please do.

Also I really like this – http://www.docready.org/

A very handy tool kit

It’s my life. I don’t want it. I feel like this often. It comes in waves. At my best, I’m not very happy, at my worst, pleading with family to understand and forgive. I almost pulled it off once. Why is everything, to the point of being detained (sectioned) against it? It’s my life. I don’t want it.
Seems like a broad church of regulars here so I thought I’d ask. It’s the National Day for it today.

I wanted to write this earlier, but as I was at work surrounded by people, it wasn’t possible. I think that now the time is for some honesty – to be rid of my own self-deception… Something I do not reveal to my family or often even to myself.

I can empathise with you OP. After a breakdown 4 years ago, I know that although I have been happy – I can be happy, I am not the same person I used to be. I know the term breakdown is no longer current or encouraged, but it describes how it felt – I was down and felt broken. My days do have mainly a positive aspect now, but I do not honestly feel ‘fixed’.

I want to emphasise this is only about me – I am very certain that for most, life is definitely worth living. For me I am not as happy as I used to be and more often feel negative about the future. I have days where although I am not actively suicidal, I do still find myself engaging in thoughts of my own death and feeling really that life is not worth the effort. I suppose that despite my loving family and truly wonderful friends, I don’t honestly believe that these things will always be enough or sufficient to keep me here.

I often see me and my presence as something which takes away from people – rather than giving. I feel I add complexity, disorder and turmoil to the people I care about. I am less relaxed and more likely to lose my temper than I used to be (Although not extreme.) and I believe this has some negative impact on the people close to me. In all honestly, death seems simpler – cleaner and better for all around. Some people would describe this as selfish, but I don’t see it as such.

I hope this changes in my life but I do remain to be convinced. I am very sad that some of you seem to feel similarly.

^Feelings and thoughts are not the same as truth or reality. Depression turns your brain into a lying bastard. Because you are intelligent you are used to believing what your mind tells you but you can’t always.

I’m not sure mental health day works, I think we need to be more vocal and more positive and sharing with people on a day to day basis. Those people you hear talk negatively about depression, tell them about this thread and how people genuinely are struggling maybe….

I think it does. For example a thread on here about it. In general I think this community in STW has also moved on and may reflect in microcosm some of the changes that are happening in wider society.

It really is great to read some honest experiences and thoughts on this subject on a forum which at times I think ‘why do I bother’, threads like this remind me that with the bad comes the fantastic.

We have come so far from some of the “MTFU” responses that posts about mental health used to get. So much more empathy , understanding and support.

We have come so far from some of the “MTFU” responses that posts about mental health used to get.

Agreed. The trouble is that many people are still in that mindset when it comes to their own internal dialogue; hence a reluctance to admit it, and do something about it.

Looks like I’m going in again wether I want to or not. Seems awfully arrogant of them to decide what I can and can’t do with my own existence. Family are getting to the point where they are starting to lose the will as well. Is shit.

Seems awfully arrogant of them to decide what I can and can’t do with my own existence.

Indeed; is shit.

Looks like I’m going in again wether I want to or not. Seems awfully arrogant of them to decide what I can and can’t do with my own existence. Family are getting to the point where they are starting to lose the will as well. Is shit.

I am truly sorry that hear that you are not in a good place.