Walk in, lay your £1.5K+ bike down on its side on the thoroughfare close to the empty bike stand.

Make an utter **** of putting your bike in said stand after staff points it oit to you.

Say “I need a tyre, what do uou recommend”

“What are you after?”

“A road tyre”

“What kind of riding do you do?”

“Road riding”

😡

Today’s tip:

Go to the till with a pair of tights in your hand and ask:

“What is your returns policy?”

“You can return anything as long as its in a sellable condition”

“So I can try them out for a few rides and return them if I don’t like them?”

:X

fricken cyclists!

This could turn into a game. Mystery shop cynic-al and see whether you can get a post on here.

This could turn into a game. Mystery shop cynic-al and see whether you can get a post on here.

I already have. Twice.

I’m watching him right now 😯

Customers! Who would have them. 😀

But he knows me so it wouldn’t be a mystery 😈

You could try taking your mate’s (Mr Jones) bike in for a service, but book it in under your name (Mr Smith), then get Mr Jones to arrange for somebody else to collect his bike without them knowing about Mr Smith’s existance, or the shop staff knowing about Mr Jones’ existance.Guaranteed to cause needless confusion.

Shoe’s on the other foot for me. Bike mechanic in my lbs is a proper bellend, His attitude and demeanour make me stay away from the shop. And he’s ginger.

Shop is in Prestwick, So if there is a ginger bike mechanic from said shop looking in, **** off to Cyprus like you said you were going to do.

Or:

Spend £130 on road shoes and pedals for spinning (pedals for new bike when it arrives) then bring in cheap BSO to be assembled when your husband can’t (£40 PDI) then wonder why mechanic (my good self) is slightly exasperated as he tries to explain why the cheapest Trek hybrid in the shop would have been a better bet for £5 (yes, £5) more than you’ve paid for BSO for your 3 day ride to Paris.
Honestly, the chainring spider on that bike was a stamped out piece of steel I could flex with my hand and I toed the brake pads in by bending the calliper as there was no adjustment on the pad. £280 she paid, (plus £40 PDI) Criminal rip off. A £325 Trek 7.0fx would wipe the floor with it.

BSO?

Bicycle shaped object

BSO?

Bike Shaped Object.
Disparaging term used to describe the heaps of shit masquerading as bikes which are sold in supermarkets and departments stores.

Anyway, back to the thread…

Go into bike shop, take up all the salespersons time by asking inane questions, squeeze the brakes and bounce the suspension of every bike on the shop floor then after an hour announce that “you’ll think about it” and leave.

Make sure you tell the staff “I’m an engineer” when you take your bike in to be rectified due to your own ham fisted fettling 😀

What shoes do you sell al? – might come in and size some up

Aaaah, the engineer! There’s a theory in the bike world that engineers don’t actually exist in real life, they’re just apparitions that occur at exactly the same time as those ham fisted breakages.

Ah yes, the ‘qualified mechanic’ in my LBS managed to tear the stans tubless tape on my wheels when taking the tyres off to true the wheels, then also put both tyres on backwards. Good job he’d been on a special mavic wheel building course or the tyres would have probably been fitted inside out!

Coatsey, ‘speaking as an Engineer’ you know it’s your/the bike you sold/fixeds fault and not me being a tool 😛

Good day pal?

We’ll see that window smashed yet!

Edit: I was saving all my stories for when I exit retail.

My favourite phrase has to be ” I’m an engineer , this item is faulty by design ”

Oh that’s another please don’t come in a wander round sniffing the tyres on the bikes, it really freaks the staff out 😯 Walton Cycles, Walton on Thames 2000 ish.

“I’m doing the Etape on Sunday”

“This Sunday”?

“Aye”

here we go

“Please do not stroke the bikes whilst having your other hand down the front of your shorts….touching yourself.This is a family orientated shop and there are children present”
True Story brah.

Last week I was in a bike shop when I bent down to tie my shoes and caught a pleasant leathery whiff of something. After a few more sniffs I realised it was the saddle of the bike next to me. I then realised I was crouching in the corner of a bike shop sniffing a saddle whilst being eyeballed by one of the staff. I left pretty sharpish. I’ve got a bike on order there for my girlfriend, I’m not sure I have the chutzpah to go and collect it.

The one I don’t get is tyre pinching. Why do customers do it? They look at a bike, and then they squeeze the tyres.

It’s just weird.

“Please don’t lift the £3.7 road frame off the stand”
“Why not? (Lifting up frame and smacking the top tube into the chainset mounted above it).”
” 🙄 “
“You should have a sign”
“Like THAT ONE 👿 ”

Last week I was in a bike shop when I bent down to tie my shoes and caught a pleasant leathery whiff of something. After a few more sniffs I realised it was the saddle of the bike next to me. I then realised I was crouching in the corner of a bike shop sniffing a saddle whilst being eyeballed by one of the staff

Worst

Excuse

Ever

“Please don’t lift the £3.7 road frame off the stand”

If I chuck in another 30p, can I have some carbon wheels ? 😀

oooh, a good one.

Why do small children go MENTAL in bike shops. As if it was a village hall and someone just injected glucose into them.

Got a workshop under the shop? You know what I mean.

“Yes madam, that is reflective material on that buff.”

“No madam, I don’t think it’s a good idea to make your cat wear it for road safety.”

Saturday afternoon, in a busy shop, is perhaps not the best time to announce in a loud voice: “I want a recumbent because I have terrible piles!”

Oh, and:

Roadie A to roadie B: “I see you pack North – is that comfier?”

Worst
Excuse

Ever

I’m pretty sure I covered up my massive, throbbing erection on the waddle out so I may have got away with it.

The one I don’t get is tyre pinching. Why do customers do it? They look at a bike, and then they squeeze the tyres.

It’s just weird.

Probably the same ones who kick the tyres when looking at a new car.

The squeezing of tyres is a buying signal, if someone does that in your shop SELL to them. Their heart desires the thing they’re touching and physically touching they are imagining owning it. It’s like when someone strokes their thumb across the screen of a mobile phone they’re contemplating purchasing, they want it.

“I’m sure this one’s the right size for me,and I know you’re very busy, but could you get one built in a different size so I can be certain?”

The squeezing of tyres is a buying signal, if someone does that in your shop SELL to them.

None of these guys have time or interest in selling anything, they are more interested in faffing in the back of the workshop and moaning about how hard business is.

the guy in my lbs is a tool regards selling, I work in sales ad I cringe when I hear him speak to people and he misses opportunities to upsell. He’s always slightly offhand with everyone who walks in, for eg, was in there last week asking about a wheel build and a guy comes in and says ‘do you have any hybrids in?’ lbs owner nods sarcastically ‘Yessss we have hybrids’ and then waits for the guy to speak again. No idea!

@jekkyl

its a sad fact that the bike industry has invested very little time, effort and hard cash in training their staff members, whether sales people or workshop staff

the industry is on the up and up, as more consumers get into bikes, but pay, conditions and training have not kept pace with the profits. Actually, many staff are now on zero-hour contracts on minimum pay, and of course for such “disposable assets” you would not expend profits in training these “numbers”, but that’s another story entirely…

its not a secret that many of the bike shops in London actually relied on Evans Cycles to train workshop staff up to Cytech 1 / 2 / 3, and then to take on these ex-Evans staff, at no cost to the new employer

unfortunately for these bike shops, Evans don’t offer Cytech training any more, just their unrecognized, in-house “Evans Academy” ‘Bike Builder’ training

shame, it means these other shops might have to start paying some of their profits to actually training their workshop staff

the sad thing for the sale staff is that a few hundred ££ spent with an experienced sales training coach will reap instant dividends for sales staff to learn how to control and close sales, but once again…the bike shops are too stupid to realize this potential 🙁