After many months of putting off doing stuff round the house, yesterday I finally started. Felt good actually getting something done. This morning thought I’d carry on where I left off. Then the skittish part of me decided it would be better to sort out the massive cupboard (9’x3′ and ceiling height) that hasn’t been touched for a while. It’s that full the door won’t open fully. Hoping once it’s sorted I can store things in it and hide whatever Xmas presents I have for the kids in there too. It’s in the dining room/my bedroom so can keep an eye on it easily.

Halfway through and now I see why it hasn’t been touched. Some friends who are cleaners came to tidy the house ready for Lyanda’s funeral. I remember them asking where to put stuff they were finding, and me saying put it in the cupboard and I’ll sort it out again. It must have been in the back of my mind and the reason I hadn’t done it.

I’m now at a standstill. Pretty much everything in there is Lyanda’s. I know I can’t keep everything and it does need sorting, but I wasn’t expecting a cupboard full of memories. Now I’m sitting here in tears, stuff everywhere and have to get the kids in 2 hours. Sorry for rambling and the long post just needed to vent somewhere 😔

Its ok dude, honestly… it’s ok.

You’ve done brilliantly to date, and there is nothing wrong with weeping at some memories.. after all they are priceless..

👍

Thanks. Was listening to some random music earlier to try and make it more bearable, not long after posting earlier our wedding song came on. Not the best of days but a sort of productive one in the end.

It sounds pretty healthy to me bud.

The cupboard will still be full of stuff when you decide you’ve had enough for the day.

Go through the cupboard with someone else they’ll rationalise the stuff you should keep and the stuff you shouldn’t. Still I can’t talk I’ve still got a knee patch (an orange with a little face) my mum used to sew onto my jeans when I was a kid.

It’s normal to break down like this. In fact it’s a good thing. You need to grieve.
It happened to be today that you opened the cupboard. Even if it had been in 2 years it would still be the same.

As mentioned above. Go through the contents with someone else.
Keep some things that are very special, try and put aside the things you will eventually get rid of (maybe give to charity, sell or just throw out). There is no rush to do this.

Well done though for making a start in the first place.

Hugs dude…

Memories are funny things – both wonderful and sad at the same time. Moved my mum into a care home at the weekend, 200 miles away from home to be nearer other family members. She’ll never go back to the house she’s called home for the last 66 years. It was a very odd feeling closing the door on all that family history. We’ve previously done good clear outs in the past, but not looking forward to the final clear out.

It’s hard but I find it better to just keep a few things rather than everything but it’s your house and your feelings. Ultimately you just have to do what feels right…

Its funny how stuff becomes important, my brother bought me a fleece for Xmas a few months before he died. I was wearing it when we dug his grave, long story, its been in a draw for 8 years now. The mud has brushed off… I need a new fleece but cant seem to wear it.

It’s all part of the process and a good thing. Nothing like what you’ve been through, but my older brother was killed around 13 years ago. My eldest, who’s 5, started asking questions about him the other day as we were driving to swimming.

Tried to explain how he’s not around any more. Got him ready for his lesson, went to the canteen at the pool and sat and cried for half an hour. It never leaves you, there are just longer gaps in between.

Keep doing what you’re doing Alan

Nowt to say but I am listening.

Must be really hard, can’t imagine the feelings that doing this must bring up.

It’s been more emotional than difficult but getting through it slowly. Stopped before getting the kids from school though. Hope I’ve still got the will to carry on tomorrow, be nice to get it sorted and it’s another thing done. Binned/bagged for charity/recycled everything not relevant or needed and got a pile of stuff to go through now.

It’s the little things like all of her make up and nail stuff. Lyanda couldn’t do much so she sat up in bed doing her nails and make up over and over again. Just memories of day to day things, nice to remember but sad knowing there won’t be anymore like it.

I don’t know what to say for fear of seeming trite.

Keep it up fella. It sounds like you’re doing everything right – taking your time and being their for your kids. I don’t see how anyone could do better.

I think it’s perfectly understandable.

I think grief is a bit like a wound on your body.  At first you hurt it quite often by moving too fast or knocking it. Sometimes the scab gets caught and lifts a little and  the hurt is almost fresh again. But gradually, you get used to the wound and it closes a little bit at a time. So even when you bang it quite hard, it bleed less and less.  Eventually you get a scar – because nothing will ever be the same and this is a mark that life has given you. The scar can itch and is even more tender than the skin around it – so it is still vulnerable, but you don’t want to lose the scar because it reminds you of something precious.

You opened the wound a little yesterday and as a result, there’s a some blood and you feel tender. However, you know why, and you know are so glad you had the wonderful experience that led to the injury.

It never leaves you, there are just longer gaps in between.

This.

And don’t think of things bubbling up and taking over as ‘setbacks’, just part of life.

Jamj nailed it. No need to rush, take your time, stop if you need to even if it’s for months. And don’t forget to cherish memories even as you mourn loss.

Good way of putting it jamj, thanks. Didn’t sleep too well last night but feeling OK this morning. Had a look in the cupboard after the kids went to school, mixed feelings. Really pleased at the progress but still emotional. Hoping I can get it done by the weekend, a couple of days to go without pushing myself too much.

Had the same emotions clearing out Dad’s garage for Mum. Memories of tinkering on the cars & bikes over the years, there were even woodworking tools that were his dad’s too. My sister had already been ruthless putting stuff in the junk pile. Luckily she couldn’t lift a load of lead so I could get that to the scrappy.

One thing we were advised with taking stuff to charity shops is go to one outside your area, you don’t want to be past a window with these items on display.

Trying to do exactly the same thing at the moment Alan, have the week off work and Carolyn’s parents have come up to see me. Sort of avoiding the issue by going on days out North Wales on Monday, Peak District yesterday.
Have sorted stuff a little but now have a Floordrobe in the bedroom of her clothes!
Found a whole stack of letters she wrote to Uni friends in her wardrobe, you realise how much you have forgotten of your life together 🙁

jamj1974 that’s a very good analogy, 2 weeks ago I had to go for an MRI scan and the point where the receptionist asked “Next of kin” was a real jolt so I just said “I don’t know”

If you didn’t feel emotional doing this then I would be worried, but the fact that you do is pretty normal I’d say.
When my grandma died in 1998, my grandpa outlived her for 14 years, literally nothing changed in his house during that time.
So we would go to visit, and were always just sitting there half expecting her to come through the door at any moment.
To make matters worse, she often didn’t get up until it was close to teatime anyway.
Keep plodding away, you’re doing a great job, even though it may not always feel like it.

Thanks all for your kind words and support. I finally finished it this afternoon. Still got a pile of stuff of Lyanda’s to go through, but 3 bin bags, 4 recycling bags and 2 charity bags later its done. Pretty much empty now so got somewhere to hide Xmas presents from the kids. Guess now I need to start looking. Yay.

@mrovershoot offers still there if you need or want a chat. Just take it all slowly and a step at a time, that seemed to work for me over the past 18 months. Yes there have been lots of moments of panic, dread and exhaustion etc, but they do ease a bit as you learn to cope and manage it.