So, my wife has crashed the car again, third year in a row. just after we’ve got all our overdrafts paid off and have money to do our bathroom. so, 250 quid excess, insurance goes up again and I’m in the wrong for questioning how she went into the back of someone, in a 5MPH traffic jam.

it’s all going to kick off tonight, as I’ve said I’m sick and tired of paying for her **** ups, so she can pay for it. The thing is, things aren’t great anyway, we’re arguing all the time, don’t spend any time with each other (ironically we were going for a meal tonight, to make an ‘effort’, but that’s off now, after the argument we’ve just had, and the need for money to cover the excess) and I’m starting to think I’m better off out of it. If it wasn’t for our 2 year old son I would probably be making plans to go.

so, what do I do 🙁

son = stay

Its only a car, its insured, ok expensive but not the end of the world.

Try counselling with Relate, you never know, it might put your relationship back on track 🙂

It’s just a car bump, stuff happens – sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to go.

If you have two year old son, you try and work things out.
Otherwise, boot her into touch for her crashing the car three times.

son = better not growing up surrounded by misery if that’s the situation

I should have really posted this under an alias 😳

Change the title of the thread to ‘My wife and I’.

Admittedly not what you wanted to hear, but I’m grumpy today.

The car isn’t the issue, it’s how I get shouted at and screamed at for asking how it happened, and suggesting she might not have been paying attention.

Try counselling with Relate, you never know, it might put your relationship back on track

+1

Ignore the car bump, that’s nothing but if things are tense then yes it seems a big deal. Try to sort your relationship but don’t hang just for your son. A house of misery as mentioned no place for kids but give ago first, as mentioned try relate.

What is the route cause of your problems, they sound initially to be money related if that is the case then I’d try and confront those and try and sort something out. If the problem is that you really don’t get along unless one or other of you has to continually make an ‘effort’ then if it were me I’d call it a day.

Staying together purely for the sake of a two year old is no life for any of you. He is young and will be more accepting of a change now than he will be in a few years time.

[edit]

son = better not growing up surrounded by misery if that’s the situation

This ^

warton – Member
I should have really posted this under an alias

Yep.

Good luck though.

I should have really posted this under an alias

Probably, full name in profile etc etc

muppetWrangler, money is always on our minds yeah, we always seem to have none of it, but is it the root cause, I don’t know tbh. I need to speak to her tonight really, see where we stand after that I think

You shouldn’t stay because of your son. If you stay together and continue to argue and start to lead ever more separate lives etc what sort of role model is that for your children. They will grow up thinking that that is how people interact with each other. It does seem a little bit out of proportion if a small accident can start this.

However your son is young so doesn’t know anything yet, and you are under stress at the moment by the sound of things so you should do EVERYTHING you can to work things out.

edlong +1

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

If yes to 3 or more of those look up Bipolar.

tinsy, i don’t think I can put the blame totally at her door, it’s both of us.

Beaten to it by lots of other who put it far more concisely!

I had money, now divorced I have none, but it doesn’t affect my happiness!

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

If yes to 3 or more of those look up Bipolar.

My God I’ve got bipolar.

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

Hmm that is me?

It’s car (no-one was hurt) and some people are more accident prone than others. Sounds like an excuse to have an arguement if you ask me.

I’m glad my parents divorced when I was young as there was always a horrible atmosphere.
Ended up having 2 Christmases,birthdays and holidays.
So it all ended well.
But….. try and sort it out how will you feel with your kid having a new daddy?

Try counselling with Relate, you never know, it might put your relationship back on track

Its only money, go and get some pro help for your sons sake it’ll all be worth it.

Fair enough, must be more than worth a go at counseling or something, be a shame to give up without a fight.

how will you feel with your kid having a new daddy?

how will you feel with your kid having a new mummy? (-:

If you want out, It’s something for you to work out yourself but I second the fact that staying for the sake of the kid is a bad idea.

Maybe send her on a track day?

Does she use her mobile alot?

but is it the root cause, I don’t know tbh

I can put the blame totally at her door, it’s both of us.

This is where Relate can really help.

Warton – you are halfway there by accepting some responsibility yourself. That alone shows hope, try all you can, if it doesn’t work then at least you tried.

Sorry to hear its tense at home.
I was in a similar situation, daily rows in front of our son etc. till I almost got killed in an accident a few years back.
My wife looked after me while recovering from surgery.
Stood by me through my depression after.
Stuck with me when I nearly went bankrupt as a result of all the above.
Financially we are still miles behind but we’re in it together.
Work on it. It won’t be easy and may get harder but nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Councilling, do whatever it takes.
All the best.

thanks for all the kind words. it’s a tough one, I won’t stay for the sake of my son, but at the same time, I don’t want to leave too early, without giving it a good try. maybe relate is the way forward, thanks

Warton don’t even consider leaving your wife due to a few crashes.

Post-birth mrsHora has become a wee bit scatty. What I’d say is its better that she doesn’t drive for a while. Is she tired, getting up in the night etc etc? It can cause distraction.

Warton don’t even consider leaving your wife due to a few crashes.

I’m not! it’s a lot more than that, but I think the way we both dealt with what happened today says a lot about how we currently feel about each other.

warton – Member
The car isn’t the issue, it’s how I get shouted at and screamed at for asking how it happened, and suggesting she might not have been paying attention.

I’d suggest since she crashed the car at low speed and presumably the insurance claim is clearly her fault that ‘she wasn’t paying attention’. However she probably already knows this, is a bit embarrassed by it, and you challenging her isn’t going to undo it. When you’ve done something really stupid – how do you react? IME flying off the handle when someone points out (or implies) you’ve just been a bit of an idiot is quite common.

If you want to fix it (the relationship), buy some flowers, apologise for being too reactive, take her out for the meal and tell her you are just glad she and your son were unharmed. If you can’t do that, even if you don’t 100% mean it, then its probably too late.

The title is fine.

Buy her a bike.

I try to distiguish between intentional things that wind me up, unintentional things that could perhaps easily be avoided with a bit more effort, and oppsies. Oopsies provoke a low key reaction such as “how about using the mirrors when you drive through the gate”; unintentional but anti-social irritations get a moderate rise “you moved my glasses again and burried them under your school crap again you silly cow!”; intentional things “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.

If it’s any consolation, when kids are two their mum’s life tends to revolve around them. You are probably in about eighth place on your wife’s list of priorities and need to negociate 20 minutes of your wife’s time a day to avoid the femme-mal-baisée syndrome (once reduced to under two minutes to win a bet and prove a point).

you need to be able to forgive her for what you perceive are her imperfections and transgressions. By transgressions I don’t mean she has been unfaithful, etc. rather, perhaps you feel she doesn’t feel the same about you as she once did or you resent her easily, example being the car bump.

It’s possible she feels the same way about you i.e. that you don’t feel the same, etc. and the way both of you are expressing it is to come to loggerheads all the time.

I think the above suggestion is a good one i.e. buy flowers, say you are glad she is ok, etc. After all, i’m sure she didn’t crash the car to annoy you. Think about how bad it makes her feel – perhaps she feels bad that it has caused another financial burden and then you having a go at her isn’t going to help.

Easy to say, perhaps harder to swallow pride and do. I’ve been in a similar situation when my daughter was a similar age and we were so close to ending things but we didn’t and i’m glad we didn’t as my daughter is 9 now and we also have an 18 month old son and the two of them bring us great joy and happiness. Not saying we don’t have slight ups and downs but 99% of the time things are good.

You have to let go what you feel wronged about though. That was the only way I could go forward. That is what worked for me – your situation may be different but hope it helps somewhat

The car isn’t the issue, it’s how I get shouted at and screamed at for asking how it happened, and suggesting she might not have been paying attention.

Its called stress. MrsHora gets very wound up and stressed over our 2yr old. Shes wound herself tight as a spring and needs relaxing/made to chill. Are you doing enough (no I don’t mean just going to work). Does she get a night out with a friends for instance?

IMO relationships can fail for blatantly common sense reasons. Its not just **** and ‘hes changed’. Simple things like taking a step back and emphathy.