Light relief in dark times. Give a joke, get a joke…
I am hosting a work thing tomorrow, which means I need to have around 10 shit jokes up my sleeve.
Current contenders (many from Bob Mortimer’s Peter Beardsley) are:
– Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on? Remains to be seen.
– There was a kidnapping at my son’s school. Its ok though, he woke up eventually.
– I went to the doctors and he said ‘don’t eat anything fatty’. I said, what – like chocolate and cake? He said…no, just don’t eat anything. Fatty.
– I called the zoo to see what time they opened. The person who answered the phone said ‘Bear with me’. I thought…he’s not going to know the answer.
– I bought a goldfish the other day. The man in the pet shop said ‘do you want an aquarium?’. I said I don’t mind what star sign it is.
That’s the standard…anyone got anything that would sit comfortably in that barrel of shite?Posted 1 year ago
How do you pull a fat bird? Piece of cake.Posted 1 year ago
Channelling Tim Vine – I’ve just been on the holiday of a lifetime……..never again! Or Gary Delaney – My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever againPosted 1 year ago
My grief counsellor died the other day.
He was so good, I didn’t give a shit.
(Gary Delaney again, sorry it’s probably not quite what you’re looking for!)Posted 1 year ago
Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck in the chicken. (sorry)Posted 1 year ago
Does visual work??
I went to the butchers, I said I’d like some bacon please. He said lean back. I said……. etc.
I said I’d also like some of the meat on the top shelf over there. He said, you can’t have that, the steaks are too high.
I asked him for a price on two large cuts of venison. But it was too dear.Posted 1 year ago
There was a fat girl singing in the street on the way here. She had a laptop with her.
I think it was a dell.Posted 1 year ago
Life in a bungalow has one major flaw…Posted 1 year ago
I used to be a teacher but I was sacked for being cross-eyed; I couldn’t control my pupilsPosted 1 year ago
(Walk on with a limp) I just fell over a toilet roll; it’s only a soft tissue injury
What does an occasional table do the rest of the time?
Why do Swedish ships have barcodes painted on their sides?
So they can scan-da-navy-inPosted 1 year ago
From Barry Cryer:
This man was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel. Deeply upset, he went to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. A woman opened it and he said: “I appear to have killed your cockerel – I’d like to replace him.” “Please yourself,” she said. “The hens are round the back.”Posted 1 year ago
Why’d the baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo 💩Posted 1 year ago
What’s green and eats nuts?
Syphilis!Posted 1 year ago
What’s the difference between an outdoor instructor and a sheep?Posted 1 year ago
The sheep only has one fleece.
Got stopped outside boots for a customer survey. They asked what grooming products I used.
Haribo and face book wasn’t the answer they were expecting.
Had a **** (solo love making action)over an ex last night.
She’s a heavey sleeper and I still have a keyPosted 1 year ago
What’s brown and sounds like a bell
There were two peanuts walking down the street
One was a salted
If you have something to explain…
It’s very simple, I can explain it in 30 seconds and I’ll do that in a minute.
Where do pigs start their holidays?Posted 1 year ago
At the airpork
I have a joke about sugar. There’s loads of jokes about white sugar but jokes about brown sugar dem er rarer.Posted 1 year ago
What’s the difference between an outdoor instructor and a sheep?
Sheep don’t push back?Posted 1 year ago
Crime in multistory car parks is wrong
on so many levelsPosted 1 year ago
My Mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, it took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
I just spent 300 quid on a limousine and then discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver. Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
I went to the zoo yesterday and it was crap, all they had was a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it, he told me it was bread in captivity.Posted 1 year ago
A woman is sat at her husband’s funeral when a man leans in and says, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“Go right ahead,” she replies.
“Plethora,” he says.
“Thanks,” the woman smiles. “It means a lot.”
A second man also wanted to say a word. He said “Bargain”
“Thanks,” said the woman. “That means a great deal.”
A third man wanted to say a few words.
He stands and says, “Large hole in the ground.”
“Thanks,” said the woman. “I know you mean well.”
A fourth man gets up to say a word, “Contiguous.”
“Thanks,” she replied, “that’s touching.”
A fifth man stands, walks over to her and gives her a delicately wrapped bowl of chopped onions.Posted 1 year ago
“Thanks,” she replied, “this brings a tear to my eye.”
I went to a jazz playground the other day. Absolute rubbish. I don’t care what they say, it don’t mean a thing if it aint got a swing.Posted 1 year ago
I’ve just had an albino fruit salad. It’s got no melon in.
These are great. By which I mean they are bad enough to work…
Thanks all!Posted 1 year ago
Emergency exit signs.Posted 1 year ago
They’re on the way out I hear.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus the other day.Posted 1 year ago
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people from Abu-dhabi-doo.Posted 1 year ago
I used to have a racing snail. I took it’s shell off to see if it would go faster, but it was just more sluggish.Posted 1 year ago
I went to the zoo yesterday and they only had one dog on display….it was a shitzuPosted 1 year ago
What’s another word for Thesaurus?Posted 1 year ago
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