I am hosting a work thing tomorrow, which means I need to have around 10 shit jokes up my sleeve.

Current contenders (many from Bob Mortimer’s Peter Beardsley) are:

– Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on? Remains to be seen.
– There was a kidnapping at my son’s school. Its ok though, he woke up eventually.
– I went to the doctors and he said ‘don’t eat anything fatty’. I said, what – like chocolate and cake? He said…no, just don’t eat anything. Fatty.
– I called the zoo to see what time they opened. The person who answered the phone said ‘Bear with me’. I thought…he’s not going to know the answer.
– I bought a goldfish the other day. The man in the pet shop said ‘do you want an aquarium?’. I said I don’t mind what star sign it is.

That’s the standard…anyone got anything that would sit comfortably in that barrel of shite?

How do you pull a fat bird? Piece of cake.

Channelling Tim Vine – I’ve just been on the holiday of a lifetime……..never again! Or Gary Delaney – My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again

My grief counsellor died the other day.

He was so good, I didn’t give a shit.

(Gary Delaney again, sorry it’s probably not quite what you’re looking for!)

Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck in the chicken. (sorry)

Does visual work??

I went to the butchers, I said I’d like some bacon please. He said lean back. I said……. etc.

I said I’d also like some of the meat on the top shelf over there. He said, you can’t have that, the steaks are too high.

I asked him for a price on two large cuts of venison. But it was too dear.

There was a fat girl singing in the street on the way here. She had a laptop with her.

I think it was a dell.

Life in a bungalow has one major flaw…

I used to be a teacher but I was sacked for being cross-eyed; I couldn’t control my pupils
(Walk on with a limp) I just fell over a toilet roll; it’s only a soft tissue injury
What does an occasional table do the rest of the time?

Why do Swedish ships have barcodes painted on their sides?

So they can scan-da-navy-in

From Barry Cryer:

This man was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel. Deeply upset, he went to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. A woman opened it and he said: “I appear to have killed your cockerel – I’d like to replace him.” “Please yourself,” she said. “The hens are round the back.”

Why’d the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo 💩

What’s green and eats nuts?

Syphilis!

What’s the difference between an outdoor instructor and a sheep?
The sheep only has one fleece.

Got stopped outside boots for a customer survey. They asked what grooming products I used.

Haribo and face book wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

Had a **** (solo love making action)over an ex last night.

She’s a heavey sleeper and I still have a key

What’s brown and sounds like a bell
Dunnnggggg!

There were two peanuts walking down the street
One was a salted

(Monty Python)

If you have something to explain…

It’s very simple, I can explain it in 30 seconds and I’ll do that in a minute.

Where do pigs start their holidays?
At the airpork

I have a joke about sugar. There’s loads of jokes about white sugar but jokes about brown sugar dem er rarer.

What’s the difference between an outdoor instructor and a sheep?

Sheep don’t push back?

Crime in multistory car parks is wrong

–

–

–

–

on so many levels

Right.

My Mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, it took her 15 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

—

I just spent 300 quid on a limousine and then discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver. Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

—

I went to the zoo yesterday and it was crap, all they had was a baguette in a cage.

I asked the zookeeper about it, he told me it was bread in captivity.

A woman is sat at her husband’s funeral when a man leans in and says, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“Go right ahead,” she replies.
“Plethora,” he says.
“Thanks,” the woman smiles. “It means a lot.”

A second man also wanted to say a word. He said “Bargain”
“Thanks,” said the woman. “That means a great deal.”

A third man wanted to say a few words.
He stands and says, “Large hole in the ground.”
“Thanks,” said the woman. “I know you mean well.”

A fourth man gets up to say a word, “Contiguous.”
“Thanks,” she replied, “that’s touching.”

A fifth man stands, walks over to her and gives her a delicately wrapped bowl of chopped onions.
“Thanks,” she replied, “this brings a tear to my eye.”

I went to a jazz playground the other day. Absolute rubbish. I don’t care what they say, it don’t mean a thing if it aint got a swing.
.
I’ve just had an albino fruit salad. It’s got no melon in.

These are great. By which I mean they are bad enough to work…

Thanks all!

Emergency exit signs.
They’re on the way out I hear.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus the other day.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people from Abu-dhabi-doo.

I used to have a racing snail. I took it’s shell off to see if it would go faster, but it was just more sluggish.

I went to the zoo yesterday and they only had one dog on display….it was a shitzu

What’s another word for Thesaurus?