- Light relief in dark times. Give a joke, get a joke…
I am hosting a work thing tomorrow, which means I need to have around 10 shit jokes up my sleeve.
Current contenders (many from Bob Mortimer’s Peter Beardsley) are:
– Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on? Remains to be seen.
– There was a kidnapping at my son’s school. Its ok though, he woke up eventually.
– I went to the doctors and he said ‘don’t eat anything fatty’. I said, what – like chocolate and cake? He said…no, just don’t eat anything. Fatty.
– I called the zoo to see what time they opened. The person who answered the phone said ‘Bear with me’. I thought…he’s not going to know the answer.
– I bought a goldfish the other day. The man in the pet shop said ‘do you want an aquarium?’. I said I don’t mind what star sign it is.
That’s the standard…anyone got anything that would sit comfortably in that barrel of shite?Posted 10 months agotheotherjonvSubscriber
Does visual work??
I went to the butchers, I said I’d like some bacon please. He said lean back. I said……. etc.
I said I’d also like some of the meat on the top shelf over there. He said, you can’t have that, the steaks are too high.
I asked him for a price on two large cuts of venison. But it was too dear.Posted 10 months agoslowoldmanSubscriber
From Barry Cryer:
This man was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel. Deeply upset, he went to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. A woman opened it and he said: “I appear to have killed your cockerel – I’d like to replace him.” “Please yourself,” she said. “The hens are round the back.”Posted 10 months agogarage-dwellerSubscriber
What’s brown and sounds like a bell
There were two peanuts walking down the street
One was a salted
If you have something to explain…
It’s very simple, I can explain it in 30 seconds and I’ll do that in a minute.
Where do pigs start their holidays?Posted 10 months ago
At the airporkCougarSubscriber
My Mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, it took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
I just spent 300 quid on a limousine and then discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver. Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
I went to the zoo yesterday and it was crap, all they had was a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it, he told me it was bread in captivity.Posted 10 months agoCougarSubscriber
A woman is sat at her husband’s funeral when a man leans in and says, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“Go right ahead,” she replies.
“Plethora,” he says.
“Thanks,” the woman smiles. “It means a lot.”
A second man also wanted to say a word. He said “Bargain”
“Thanks,” said the woman. “That means a great deal.”
A third man wanted to say a few words.
He stands and says, “Large hole in the ground.”
“Thanks,” said the woman. “I know you mean well.”
A fourth man gets up to say a word, “Contiguous.”
“Thanks,” she replied, “that’s touching.”
A fifth man stands, walks over to her and gives her a delicately wrapped bowl of chopped onions.Posted 10 months ago
“Thanks,” she replied, “this brings a tear to my eye.”
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