Halve it up, walk away, go for joint custody and live your life. Hopefully the proceeds of the sale are enough for both of you to have suitable properties in which you can continue raising your children. Solicitors will cost you both dearly so I’d do all I could to avoid that and agree an amicable settlement between you both as sensible adults. I’d expect your pension and any other assets are yours as are future earnings so focus on making this quick clean and as painless as possible.

Do not listen to TJ. Get yourself lawyered up and make sure that the one you get is a hard-nosed one that will take an aggressive approach. Anything that gets the process over and done with quickly is what you want. Then and only then can you start to undo the damage that the whole process will do.

Euro – might be worth going for relationship counselling to see if things can be saved. Then if they can’t you know the drill.

What about understanding what marriage is through the window of 20 years experience of being married?
You’re declaring something to be abhorrent even though you’ve never tried it.

Same old, same old. TJ will keep on arguing his point until he gets banned again.

I was asked a question and answered it. Thats all. Geetee asked why some of us are so anti marriage. I explained.

If I could do a civil union I would – but as we are hetrosexual we can’t
You can do that in the Isle of Man .

You can, sadly not recognised outside of the Isle of Man.

Euro, as some have said professional advice is almost certainly a good idea.
Good luck

Well a heterosexual couple from London became the first to do it a few weeks ago so I would have expected it to be recognised in England ..

TJ, does that mean YOU see my wife as my chattel?

Poly – I am not going to get into any more debate on this. I was asked why I am against marriage. I explained.

Back to the OP – would your ex accept mediation? A lot cheaper than getting lawyered up and a lot friendlier in outcomes
http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/mediation.htm

^^^ this. As I posted OP you may not like the result of mediation but it will likely deliver a similar result to the courts at a fraction of the price. As my divorce lawyer said generally both parties leave unhappy. I was with my ex 25 years, she worked full time for 1 year and part time for 2 years. Apart from first year she never paid a penny towards a household bill or mortgage. When we divorced my kids where all in their 20’s, she still got maintainence / more than 50%.

OP – I take it you aren’t rich and you both are going to downsize as a result? Your kids are going to be living with her as well so surely you want the best possible place for them? If so it may seem reasonable to make sure that she has a chance to afford something decent.

I was asked a question and answered it. Thats all. Geetee asked why some of us are so anti marriage. I explained.

To be fair that is what happened. TJ’s views might clash with yours/mine/others but he has still expressed them courteously and with insight.

Back to the OP – would your ex accept mediation? A lot cheaper than getting lawyered up and a lot friendlier in outcomes
http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/mediation.htm

In what way are the outcomes friendlier? Surely if the outcomes are better (financially) than court then one party is getting a “raw” deal (compared to their legal entitlement) and is unlikely to accept it and you end up at court anyway? The process *may* be friendlier but I don’t see how the outcomes are.

Here is how a wise lawyer once explained the relative merits of mediation, arbitration and court in commercial disputes to me. I doubt it is that different here.

1. Most disputes can be solved by the two parties having a civil and intelligent discussion with each other and agreeing the outcomes. Legal advice may be useful to consider “what if” scenarios, and ensure that any agreement that is reached is valid.
2. When the parties can’t have a civil discussion about it, then mediation may help. However it will only be useful if one or both parties really wants to avoid court, usually because of the fear of losing at court. If either party feels they are losing the mediation (even if they are not) then they are likely to revert to court if they can afford to do so.
3. When the parties have a mature and sensible approach to the problem, but agree that they need someone independent to decide the outcome then (binding) arbitration is appropriate.
4. When nobody agrees with anybody, then court becomes the only possible option.

Poly – friendlier ( probably a bad choice of words) in that a court battle will be adversarial ie pitting one against the other and will cost a huge amount wheras mediation / arbitration can bring about agreeent without this me V you situation.

Lovely explanation of the options BTW.

I’d love nothing more than having a civil discussion with her but she is very emotional and frightened. My wage us about average but hers is well below and she fears for her future. She thinks taking as much as possible from me is best for her and my boys but she doesn’t earn enough to get a mortage and csa money/child support will stop in 3 years for my eldest. I’ll continue to provide for him (and my youngest) but the money will come direct from me when they are older. I doubt I’d be able to afford another mortage when this is over and hate the idea of leaving my boys without a home when I’m gone.

She doesn’t seem to want/or is capable of talking things through at present. And keeps throwing the ‘you need to talk to my solicitor’ line when I ask her anything about what she wants to do.

Things have gotten very ugly in the last few hours 😥

Surely if the outcomes are better (financially) than court then one party is getting a “raw” deal (compared to their legal entitlement) and is unlikely to accept it and you end up at court anyway?

It is financially better for the two parties because you don’t have solicitors milking both of you.

But mediation requires an honest commitment from both sides and a reasonable approach

She thinks taking as much as possible from me is best for her

Mediation may change this view, or it will fail as a process. “Getting the most” is not a successful approach to mediation.