Ok ok not the first to be going through this and tbh I am loving every bloomin minute of it ..

But ( isn’t there always a but)

After a 13 hour shift and constantly looking forward to getting home to see my other half and 3 month old boy I find that my partner who has a very busy social life with the little one and is coping admirably is reading him a story and putting him to bed. Got home at 7 pm and he normally goes down at 8.

I bit my tongue last night but jeez is it upsetting.

I’m a being pathetic, need t mtfu or just the joy of being a redundant part of the team now ??

If your life is not good change it.
Work less.
If needs be get a new job.
That way you will feel good about you and your family again.
If it’s about the money, move to a cheaper house.

just the joy of being a redundant part of the team now ??

I think it’s this one, or at least it feels like it for me!

EDIT:

Get a dog.

+1, he’s always pleased to see me and taking him out for a walk (even in crap weather) does wonders for my head!

Get a dog.

You’re not on 13 hour shifts every day of the week though?

Maybe arrange a day or two where he stays up a bit longer to see daddy for story time & bed?

Or can you start your shift early one or two days?

Be thankful for the good stuff; you have a partner who, by the sounds of it, is doing a great job with your boy. If a 3 month old can get into the habit of going to bed at 7pm (and staying there) you should be grateful 🙂

I’m not sure why you feel redundant; I assume you’re not working 7 days a week so make the absolute most of the time you can spend with him. As he grows into a boy instead of a baby, I guarantee your role as Dad will grow ever more involving and ever more rewarding. I don’t think it’s unusual for Mum to be taking on the bulk of a 3 month’s old care duties if you’re out earning.

A 13 hour shift is never going to be very compatible with seeing your child though 🙁

If your life is not good change it.
Work less.
If needs be get a new job.
That way you will feel good about you and your family again.
If it’s about the money, move to a cheaper house.

Also, buy a jet pack to get home more quickly, win the lottery and find some magic beans.

Being away from family sucks (I’m away from Monday to Friday working) but a man’s gotts do what a man’s gotta do. I like the idea above of a slightly later bedtime once or twice a week and we also try to make Saturday a Dad fun day where I get to choose the activity and give Mum a bit of a rest. Nothing will be perfect, you’ve just got to cherish the time you do get.

3 months is super young and at that age, him and routines change on a weekly basis.

But if the Mrs is hogging him… just ask for a go ? Tell her how you feel

Come on …. I’d imaging she’d be only too pleased for you to do that.

And

Before very long … as you come home he’ll be running up to the front door shouting “daddy daddy daddy” and wanting to jump all over you.

My lad, who’s now three, will not let me out of his sight.

as you come home he’ll be running up to the front door shouting “daddy daddy daddy” and wanting to jump all over you.

I dread the day that stops happening

It’s a right pain in the arse happens regular that I don’t see my kids for a few days due to finishing late and they’re 6 and 10.

I do get good time off though to catch up with them, yesterday and today I’ve been off and my youngest has had a pukey bug so been looking after her.

No need to change your job just take the rough with the smooth.

You’re not redundant but your role has changed a bit and, frankly, your needs are less urgent than his.

My Mrs and I agreed that our nippers’ routines were (still are) more important than ours. If they need to go to bed an hour early, they usually really need to go to bed!

Mine are 4 and 2 and I still spend time just watching them sleep when I’m home late from work and miss bedtime.

Presumably you don’t do 13hr shifts 7 days a week? So be grateful for the days of you have and make the most if them. If you get in at 7 and he goes to bed at 8 then that’s an hour you have with him every evening. That’s all I get with both if mine. And I work 6 days a week. Why don’t you read him his story and put him to bed? Might be a struggle for the first few times if you’re not already doing it as he adjusts to mum not doing it but he will get used to it.

The important thing is don’t worry about it. Make the best if the situation you have and if you can’t do that then maybe look to change your situation. It is hard as the dad with a new baby that spends all it’s time with mum. Very easy to feel left out and jealous of that relationship. It will change. My oldest used to scream the place down any time I went near him and would be laughing his head off when mum went to him. Now he runs to the front door as soon as I get home for a hug and to tell me about his day.

And as tea boy says, spend time siting with him once he drops off to sleep. Amazingly relaxing. 🙂

And talk to your mrs. Best way to feel better about it.

I sacked in a very well paid job with a big plc as the 2 hour commute meant I saw too little of him (then his brother).

Set up on my own and had years of eating breakfast with them, popping home for lunch and eating our evening meal together/bath/bed (read 90% of the bedtime stories to our two for 10 years) and missed very few of their school stuff – concerts/sports/etc.

We took a big cash hit but prioritised the family above all else (hols in static caravan & tents, no new bikes or cars, dropping the need for expensive things/lifestyle).

Businesses are now running ok, still not flush but I have a brilliant relationship with my lads and (as far as I can judge) a good one with MrsCat too!

Sounds like your partner is doing a great job, perhaps a chat with her about how you feel once junior has gone to bed may open up some options.

But bear in mind, whatever you earn it cannot buy back the time that is passing now and they grow so much in the early years.

Mine are 4 and 2 and I still spend time just watching them sleep

Bit Creepy?

Bit Creepy?

NO

Bit creepy if he was watching your kids… but they are his !!

Berk

scruff – Member
Mine are 4 and 2 and I still spend time just watching them sleep

Bit Creepy?

😀

“I demand the right to be outraged”!

I leave work at the right time so my wife has put them to bed by the time I get home.

Its a right pain in the arse after 5 years.

@gunz It’s your life mate. Do with it what you want. I only answered the OP’s question.
Rogerthecat is a typical example of how it works. Maybe he can sell you some manic beans.

I changed jobs as I was doing 65 hour weeks, often away from home. The drop in income was considerable but manageable & the wife & I both agreed it was worth doing for the nipper’s sake.

When negotiating on the job I took I made a few things clear re working hours & we came up with a compromise that has worked over the last few years as promotion/role changes/directorship happened meaning a straight forward 9-5 regime was out of the question.. Yes I’m usually in by 7-7.15am but it’s very rare that I end up staying beyond 5pm. The ability to do stuff from home after Jr has gone to bed helps but a flexible approach from employers is the most important aspect.

Perhaps you could speak to your boss & see if there is a work around that gets you home earlier? You lose nowt by asking, especially if you give them your (valid) reasons.

Speak to your wife instead of posting on here? Tell here which of the jobs you’d like to do (that fit within the routine established) and why.
Seems a reasonable approach.

Maybe your other half has been having it really tough all day, and is looking forward to some time by herself so would be happy for the baby to fall asleep so she can get a break.

Talk to her. I’m as bad as any, I come home after a hard day’s work, sometimes with the attitude that I’ve been working while she’s been just pottering about with the child. But then I try a day looking after the child and realise how hard it is.

Routines change quickly. It only seems last week that I was spending a couple of hours a night pacing up and down with a grumpy baby. You might have to do that soon. So pick routines you can do – I get her up in the morning and breakfasted, and rush off to work while she’s still munching her toast, then in the evening I do the bath and bed routine.

Yesterday I got home early and got to spend some time with my 2 year old. He emptied a full 500ml bottle of waxy lube into my bike toolbox and stirred it with a seatpost breaking open the newly bought stash of 6 pairs of fibrax brake pad, into this mix he poured the box of mixed nuts bolts and sawdust.

All of this happened in a nano second.

Should have stayed at work.

When we had kids I changed to a job that had more flexible working hours and became a part time house husband.
I took a big drop in salary ,but it was kinda balanced out by less need for childcare and after school clubs,and it meant a lot less stress for my OH who has a (at times ) very intense job.
Some of our friends that had older kids would say the usual “They grow up so fast,treasure this time ,you don’t get it back ,etc,etc ” .
Glad I did ,it’s was nice having the extra time with them at the start and end of their day .
Back to almost full time now .

Fell your pain, but get used to it. Ours are 3 and 1 and even though I don’t work shifts, I bring work home. Your other half will need a break from the kids but will also need some time with you. For a while you will be spread thin, you’ll get knackered and probably argue about it a bit because you are tired.

Worth it though 🙂

@stilltortoise – it doesn’t stop, it just changes – at 14 & 16 I don’t expect them to shout “Daddy” when I come home, it may feel a bit weird for all of us. But they do still come through/down to say hi and we chat about each other’s days, bikes, sport, music, etc. I guess that it depends upon the relationship you have developed with them over the years, we still eat together almost daily and round the table not in front of the TV – IMO this really matters.

@Iolo – no magic beans, just a long hard think about how we wanted our family to develop, accepting what that means (bye bye flashy BMW hello 1972 beetle) and then sticking to it. MrsCat has grafted bloody hard when some some of the other mums were ‘doing coffee’ and I have been riding an antique MTB.

Biggest change when the youngest left home was no-one comes down to say hello and make tea when wife or I get home from work. The dog is always pleased to see us though 🙂

Agree with most of the above, particularly that your wife might be tired and looking forward to getting him to bed. We have 2 boys aged (almost) 3 and (almost) 4 and my missus is exhausted most days.

When the first arrived I cut right back at work and have just been doing the bare minimum since (sounds odd saying that). No overtime and no pushing to progress my career means that money is tight, but I see them every morning, eat breakfast with them most mornings, get home for dinner with them a couple of times a week and am back for bath/bedtime every night unless I’m out riding. While we can’t go on nice holidays I like to think we’re better for it, and I’m certainly happier.

I appreciate you might not be able to cut back with work, but if you can I would say do it. Maybe wait 6 months or so though until he’s sleeping better and a bit more interesting 🙂