- Jokes – what you got?
Most are a bit long but, anything here from last week any use to you?Posted 5 years agoBreganteSubscriber
I went into the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?”
The bloke at the counter said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”Posted 5 years agohellwraithMember
A woman goes past a pet shop and sees an advert for a parrot going free to a good home. So she goes in to enquire about it and the bloke behind the counter tells her that it used to live in the knocking shop up the road that was raided a few weeks earlier.Posted 5 years ago
So the woman takes it homa and the parrot says
‘**** me. A new knocking shop’
and the woman thinks it’s funnty. The woman’s daughter comes home and the parrots says
‘**** me. A new prostitute’
and the daughter thinks it’s funny.
The woman’s husband comes home and the parrot says,
‘Hello, Mister Robinson. Haven’t seen you for a while.’SandwichSubscriber
Raylene sent Cletus to the sex therapist as their marriage was in trouble.Posted 5 years ago
On his return he went straight out to the barn and starts singing to his John Deere.
Raylene asks why he’s sing to the farm machinery.
Cletus replies that the therapist told him he should do something nice to a tractor.ninfanMember
Just got back from a day out in Blackpool, never again!
On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a huge shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting.
Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts hitting the guy with his truncheon
in the end the guy gets the truncheon off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife!Posted 5 years ago
Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!.toofarwestSubscriber
1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’
‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘
‘Is it common?’
‘It’s not unusual….’
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really heavy.’
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’
‘Don’t you start.’
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’
I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it!’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore.’
23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.Posted 5 years agosteviedSubscriber
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.
So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.
The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword.
The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.
The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!
The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.Posted 5 years ago
The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh!
But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”
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