• This topic has 33 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Gunz.
Viewing 34 posts - 1 through 34 (of 34 total)
  • Jokes for crackers
  • Premier Icon poolman
    Free Member

    Hi, I am making crackers for a party & need some really bad jokes to put in them.

    Here’s one to get started:

    David Beckham did a book signing last week in a bookshop in C London. He was there for 1 hour 30 mins.

    Then he signed a second one!

    So please post some equally bad ones/nothing offensive please.

    Thanks in advance

    Premier Icon russellmilne
    Free Member

    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Look for the fresh prints.

    Premier Icon tracknicko
    Free Member

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his bad diet he suffered from bad breath.

    This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

    Premier Icon poolman
    Free Member

    hey top ones, 3 down 8 to go.

    Cheers

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

    You’ve nicked that off me. (-:

    Premier Icon tracknicko
    Free Member

    Why did the Belgian keeping mixing up his indefinite articles?

    Because he was an twerp

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    I can’t taste chick peas, tahini or garlic.

    Doctor says I have no sense of humous.

    Premier Icon tracknicko
    Free Member

    have i? if thats true then STW in massive small world shocker. cos it aint off here!

    Premier Icon DrRSwank
    Free Member

    David Beckham was stuck on a jigsaw. The picture on the box was a tiger but he just couldn’t make the pieces look right.

    Eventually he asked Victoria for help.

    She told him to put the Frosties back in the pack.

    Premier Icon tracknicko
    Free Member

    There’s a convent full of stupid people, except for one, and she’s Nun The Wiser.

    Why did the puma get on well with other pumas?
    He had a good sense of puma

    Premier Icon poolman
    Free Member

    5 down 6 to go.

    11e contribution to cancer charity if 6 more bad ones appear!!!

    Premier Icon tracknicko
    Free Member

    six more?

    hold tight. i could go on all day.

    Premier Icon tracknicko
    Free Member

    What do you call Noel’s House Party after it’s been run over by a steamroller?
    Noel’s flat party

    How do you make a questionnaire laugh?
    You tick all its boxes

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    What’s the first sign of madness?

    Suggs walking up your driveway.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    What did the man wearing the orthopaedic shoes say?

    “I stand corrected.”

    Premier Icon daleftw
    Free Member

    Racist thread.

    Premier Icon verses
    Full Member

    When do classical composers buy their Christmas presents?

    During late night Chopin…

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    I went out last night and drank twelve pints of yoghurt.

    I was absolutely mullered.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    I just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

    I bet that will come back to haunt me.

    Premier Icon RealMan
    Free Member

    Two muffins in an oven. One turns to the other and says

    “God, it’s hot in here isn’t it?”

    The other says

    “ARGHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!”

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    My mate was a train spotter and he was run over by a steam train.

    Chuffed to bits, he was.

    Premier Icon RealMan
    Free Member

    My girlfriend just left me because I’m really bad at making puns.

    Oh well, I’m sure I’ll find someone else.

    (Careful not to think too hard about this one..)

    Premier Icon DrRSwank
    Free Member

    Arnold Schwarznegger was asked which famous composer he might like to portray in a film.

    He replied “I’ll be Bach”

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    What’s got four legs and goes “Boo”?

    A cow with a cold.

    Premier Icon RealMan
    Free Member

    My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

    I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

    He said, “Talk about taking things literally!”

    So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things literally.

    Premier Icon RealMan
    Free Member

    This new Thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

    Premier Icon eruptron
    Free Member

    Well you said bad:-
    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff 🙄
    What do you call a man in a paper bag? Russell 😆

    Premier Icon maccruiskeen
    Full Member

    I told my doctor that I can’t pronounce ‘f’ or ‘th’

    he replied

    “Well you can’t say fairer than that then”

    Premier Icon eruptron
    Free Member

    Why does Father Christmas have 3 gardens? So he can HO HO HO

    Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
    He’s a fungi to be with

    Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
    He had low elf-esteem

    What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
    Annette

    How do snowmen get around?
    They ride an icicle

    How do you make a tissue dance?
    Put a boogie in it

    Premier Icon poolman
    Free Member

    cheers all, thats my 11 done easy peasy.

    Much appreciated, thanks

    Premier Icon rudebwoy
    Free Member

    bye

    Premier Icon Drac
    Full Member

    Teacher: “Simon, can you say your name backwards?” Simon: “No Mis.”

    Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I’d picked 7up.

    My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

    All thanks to Bad Joke Cat.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Full Member

    Feng Shui – the ancient Chinese art of extracting money from simpletons.

    Premier Icon Gunz
    Full Member

    My only two jokes;

    Why do mice have small balls?
    Because not many can dance.

    Why don’t you see many elephants hiding in trees?
    Because they’re really good at it.

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