Hi all

Collecting my little boy from school at 3ish – rather than working I thought I’d try to get some jokes together for his entertainment, so watchoogot?

So you know where to pitch them, when we walked to school we were chuckling at “What’s brown and sticky”, “What do you call a deer with no eyes”, etc, etc.

Thanks! C.

whats brown and sticky? Please tell me you told him the junior version!

I didn’t believe my Dad was stealing when he was doing roadworks for the Council but when I got home the signs were everywhere.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A ‘fsh’

What do you call a partially-sighted dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

gs – it’s a stick in our version

www – may be a bit over his head, but made me laugh!

what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

joa – liking the fsh – just started spelling at school too!

A: Knock, Knock!
B: Who’s there?
A: Boo
B: Boo who?
A: No need to cry, it’s only a joke!

A ‘joke’ as old by my 5 year old Niece:

“Uncle Simon, do you want to hear a joke?”

“Yes Isobel, I’d love to”

“Where did the dog go?”

“I don’t know, where did the dog go?”

“For a poo and a wee!” plus hysterical laughter

Comedy genius 🙂

I thought my nose was bleeding but it’snot

Did you hear about the Magic Tractor
It turned into a field.

What word in the English language is always spelt “wrongly”

Yep you guessed it “wrongly”

Simon – does your niece go to the same school as my boy? I think I’ve heard that one from him too!

dr – carrot/parrot – pure class, that one’s a definate

For several months now, my 5 y-o’s favourite joke has been: why are Pirates called Pirates?.
.
.
.
.
They just Arrrrr.

Also, what do penguin have for tea?.
Ice-burgers.

What do you call a cow who munches on your lawn?
A lawn Mooer

What do you call a gorilla with bananas in its ears?
Anything you like, it can’t hear you

“What’s green and invisible..?”
<open palm>
“This cabbage.”

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

Horse walks into a Bar.
Barman says “Why the long face?”

“What do you call a deer with no eyes”, etc

And the sequel…

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

What’s gold and sounds like a Pirate?

Pyrite…

… a bear with no ears?

B

Man walks into a Bar.
“Ow!”

will you still remember me in a hour?
will you still remember me in a day?
will you still remember me in a week?
will you still remember me in a month?
will you still remember me in a year?
Knock Knock

You’ve forgotten me already

(you can guess the answers to the questions)

This one i have simplifyed as your child is 5.

Are you smart? whats 1+1? 2+2? 4+4? 8+8? (try 16+16 if you think they can manage it) Whats the first thing I asked you?

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A Wonkey.

Why do Penguins have a thick layer of feathers?

Because it’s snow cold….

(as seen on the Penguin bar I am about to scoff….

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.

What do you call a man with seagull on his head? Cliff.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.

Tell your 5 year old to ‘look at that’ pointing to something behind them.

5 year old turns round to look, then you say….

‘made you look made you stare made you lose your underwear’

First playground joke my 5 year told me 😉

what animal says “ooo” ……….. a cow with no lips

How do you greet a 2 headed monster? Hello, Hello!

knock knock whos there – Boo! Boo Who? Dont cry its only a joke

Hold out 2 clenched fists and say ‘whats in my hand – choose one hand and see what’s in it’ when he taps a hand say ‘its a tickle’, and give him a good tickling.

Pull my finger…

who’s the coolest guy in the hospital? the ultrasound guy

who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy is on holiday?
the hip replacement guy

What do you get when you cross a catapillar and a parrot????

A Walkie-Talkie!!!

My 4 year old loves this one best…

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting co…MOOOOOOOOO…w who?

What is a crocodile’s favorite game?

SNAP

what animal says “ooo” ……….. a cow with no lips

LOVL but that will be lost on a 5 yr old surely?

What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum ?

Warren.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head

Dug

My 4 year old loves this one best…

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting co…MOOOOOOOOO…w who? My 4 year old loves this one best…

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting co…MOOOOOOOOO…w who?

If you had to watch re-runs of old Sooty as much I have had to, then its interrupting sheep!

Knock knock
who’s there
boo
boo who?
Don’t cry its only a joke.
#
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A Wonkey donkey
Plays the piano?
plinky plonky wonky donkey
Piano and guitar?
honkey tonkey plinky plonky wonky donkey.
#
What do you call a blind deer?
No eyed deer.
With no legs?
Still no eyed deer.
By the road?
Still no eyed deer by the way.
Deaf as well, By the road in a european country?
Still deaf in Italy no eyed deer by the way.
And on fire?
Still flaming deaf in Italy no eyed deer by the way…
#
*takes his bow*

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don’t see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.

I didn’t believe my Dad was stealing when he was doing roadworks for the Council but when I got home the signs were everywhere all the signs were there.

It sounds better this way.

What do you call a man trapped in a paper bag? Russell.

What’s green and hairy? A gooseberry.

What’s green and hairy and goes up and down? A gooseberry in a lift.

What do you call a man with four planks on his head Edward Woodward.

Why don’t ducks fly upside down.

Because they’d quack up. Boom boom!