I've met the most incredible woman in the world…

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  • I've met the most incredible woman in the world…
  • Ha ha brilliant – I wonder if he met her whikst skating or having his back waxed …


    forget about her, your kids are more important.


    It’s an interesting debate though, forgetting the ‘amazing new woman’ for a bit..

    surely this is one of the oldest questions in the book..?

    After a few very bad matches in my younger years that I desperately clung to, consumed with romantic melancholic angst ( possibly a result of being raised in a loveless marriage..?)
    After all those utterly miserable defeats, I developed a thick skin and was only too happy to to be completely objective about a relationship and move on quickly at the first sign of doubt.. Why should anyone settle for second best..? we only live once, it’s not a rehearsal, strive for happiness etc etc

    After your kids arrive though, and the reality of heavy responsibility, sleeplessness, constant compromise, more responsibility, shattered nerves, frayed temperaments, worry, drama, more responsibility etc – the natural response is to think, hey up, this relationship seems to be bringing me a lot of torment.. but we have to be strong now.. we have to do the right thing

    human instinct will then dictate fight or flight, should I stay or should I go..?
    there’s even a song about it I expect.. 🙂

    OK. Read the book “I love you but I’m not in love with you” by Andrew G Marshall before you quit your marriage.

    It was a huge eye opener for me. I had been something of a serial monogamist myself in younger years and had often got “itchy feet” and found myself moving on after 2-3 years, because my relationships were no longer new, exciting and interesting. After becoming somewhat sick of this pattern, I decided to investigate what exactly it is that makes long term relationships last (whether married or not).

    I have absolutely no doubt that there are some people in genuinely unhappy marriages, and I would never advocate anyone staying in one of those, particularly if the relationship is toxic or abusive, or there are addiction issues, persistent infidelity, things like that. But I do think that along with the “consumer culture” we live in, we have also developed a throwaway attitude to our personal relationships as well – if the relationship no longer excites us and thrills us, then we think that it must be the fault of the other person, or that the relationship must be broken, and the only solution is to either break up and find someone new, or cheat (for those who want to keep their options open).

    The problem is, that even when you meet the person who you think is “The One”, because everything feels like it’s exciting and new and wonderful, fast forward a few years, setting up a home together, maybe even marriage and kids, and you find the same problems start to surface again. Those feelings of “OMG she/he is the one” fade, because you see your partner’s imperfections, you go through stressful times, you have sleepless nights because of kids, maybe things dwindle in the bedroom. The reality is, more often than not, very different to the fantasy that we often have that if only we met “The One” then our relationship would always be wonderful and we wouldn’t have to ever do anything dull like “work at it” – things would just happen and they would always be peachy.

    I’m sure you are also aware OP that if you do take the step of leaving a marriage/relationship where there are children involved, then you can’t just cut off from your ex partner, because you still have to co-parent, unless you are very silly and immature like my parents were and decide you no longer want to speak to each other and use the kids as go-betweens (not recommended). You’re not just setting up a new relationship, you are setting up a new family, and stepfamily dynamics are never, ever easy. Your new partner may resent involvement you still have with your ex. You may resent her involvement with her ex. The kids may resent the new family setup, particularly if they are aware you left their mum for this new woman. I’ve been in a relationship with a man with children and even 5 years after the ink dried on the divorce papers, it was still bloody difficult and the relationship was under strain pretty quickly from it all.

    FWIW, I would personally be exploring every option to be able to work on the relationship you have in front of you before you decide to walk away, possibly from the frying pan into the fire, particularly when you have children, unless of course, you are in a relationship that is toxic or abusive, which IMO is more damaging for kids, in which case by all means leave, but not straight into the arms of someone else. Regardless whether you’ve slept together or not, people will assume you have if you take up with someone else pretty quickly, and especially if two families break up as a consequence.

    Edit: The same thing nearly happened to me after 3 and a half years with my partner. A guy at work was attracted to me, was going through a tough time, and I was flattered by the attention etc. Nothing happened physically, but we developed a close friendship which could have been construed as perhaps being on the edge of emotional infidelity. He started trying to plant seeds of doubt about my relationship in my head and wanting me to leave my partner, he had the same belief about “when you find the right person life will be peachy all the time”. But this time, I didn’t bite. I knew that even if I left and took up with him, a few years down the line, I might well be in the same place, and it was time to break the pattern.

    I am now putting the effort in again with what I have, to use the old “working at it” chestnut, and I can honestly say that you CAN rebuild a relationship that’s just gone a bit off track due to lack of time/attention etc, if both partners are willing to put the time and effort in. Relationships really do not “just happen” and if you take the other person for granted and don’t give the relationship the time and energy it deserves, then no matter how great the person was for the first 6 months, it won’t last.


    sorry Spasmic Gherkin, I didn’t see your reply

    I guess for me it’s hard to understand those very final decisions that folk can make when they have judged a person..
    I’ve done plenty of shitty things in my life that I would have done differently if I could turn back the clock.. I’ve spent months and years not seeing things from the right perspective and suchlike, and treated people badly as a result of weakness, despair or sheer incompetence, so I always try to reserve judgement..

    I truly don’t believe that I have the right to condemn another’s behaviour (although I’ll often give it a bloody good go.. 😳 ) always walk a mile in another man’s shoes etc..

    I can’t bare to see families split up by this sort of thing, my own Dad did much that I could have resented him for, but I never got the chance..

    Premier Icon cr500dom

    A very dear freind once said to me…….

    “Yes the grass may well be greener…………………

    But it still needs ****ing Mowing!”

    FWIW having been through something similar (But without kids involved) an emotional affair is in many ways a bigger betrayal than a one night stand / FWB / purely sexual type affair.

    It is often the catalyst.

    It was in my case,

    Good Luck OP, and mail in profile if you want to discuss it/get another perspective offline

    Loyalty, integrity, commitment.

    These are things that hold greater value OP.


    Que Sera Sera

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