My lad needs some new jokes to tell because I’m losing the will to live with his current repertoire.

*other than the Oscar Pistorious one.

Who’s there?

“I Dunnap”

always makes an 8 year old cry.

“*sob* he made me say I Dunnap who *sob*”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.

Fight fire with fire

knock knock: Who’s there?
Banana: Banana who?
knock knock: Who’s there?
Banana: Banana who?
knock knock: Who’s there?
Banana: Banana who?
knock knock: Who’s there?
Orange: Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting Cow

Interrupt……

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Why did the chicken cross the road

To see the idiot behind the door.

Knock knock

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
**** off!

I would avoid knock knock jokes. Better to have a wider repertoire…

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen

What do you call a man hiding in a bush?

Russell

What do you call a man sitting in a Ford Capri with no arms, no legs, no head and a gun?

Bodie

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in I forgot my key

Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Avon, your bell’s knackered.

What do you call a woman who can balance a pint of lager on her head?

Beatrix

…. whilst playing snooker?

Beatrix Potter

OK we will do a knock knock joke but you have to start:

Knock knock
Who’s there?……

Two wee chaps?

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo

P1: Say ‘knock knock’
P2: ‘knock knock’
P1: Who’s there?
P2: ❓

Or

Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Boogleoogle
Boogle oogle who?
Glen Miller and, evidently, that fellow from Company B

No. There are no funny knock knock jokes.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dr
(IGMC)

What’s a Russian called with three testicles?

Oudya Nikabolokov.

Malvern rider – imnotverygood beat you & me to it….

What do you call a man who’s been dead for 300years – Pete

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt……
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Quickly followed by interrupting pirate (Aaarh!) and so forth.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo

I saw a dating programme where this was some pillock’s best joke. He was quite annoyed when the woman didn’t find it funny – accused her of not getting the joke.. Kids eh?
Local fave, which I think I made up-
Knock knock
who’s there
Petersfield
petersfield who?
Petersfield his pants.

(You probably have to know Petersfield and a twit called Peter to really enjoy the joke)

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pile-up

(filled his pants, in case anyone doesn’t get it)

What do you call a bloke with a spade on his head?

Doug.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see the idiot!

*awkward silence at rubbish joke*

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Duh, the chicken.

What do you call a bloke without a spade on height head?
Dougless

– Why did the chicken cross the road?
– Dunno
– To see the idiot.
.
.
.
.
– Knock knock
– Who is there
– The chicken

– Why did the chicken cross the road?
– Dunno
– To see the idiot.
.
.
.
.
– Knock knock
– Who is there
– The chicken, he wants to talk to you about a double post…and the fact it’s been put up twice before I did.

What do you do if you find a trumpet it in your garden?

Root-it-oot

What’s brown and sounds like a bell

Dung

What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum….

Warren

What do you call a man with a car on his head….

Jack

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head….

Reg 😆

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Little old lady

Little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel?

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Ronnie
Ronnie who?
RONNIE PICKERING!

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, how many…

(Interrupt, bellowing)

Vee ask zee qvestions!

Note- I’m not a racist, a German told me this joke after I’d given my best mans speech, to Germans, in German. I can’t stand the Belgians though…

What is the commonest Owl in the world?

After several guesses Barn, Tawny, Snowy tell them the answer “Teat” 🙂