Well that begs the question what the heck did you do/not do to force her into that decision?

Agree.

Sigh…deep breath. I for the first time ever lost my temper with my youngest daughter and grabbed her arm to hard and broke it. Completely accidental, no intention to harm and I’ve never even as so much as slapped either of my children on the wrist for anything, usually very calm and controlled with my girls but that evening just snapped. Obvious underlying issue that needs addressing but what this issue is I am unsure myself so seeking professional help…

OK, the ring is definitely the least of your worries.

I hope this thread doesn’t turn into a pitch-forking session.

All the best. 🙂

I admire your honesty.

BigDummy, I’m not too bothered the outcome of this thread now, really. Pitch forking couldn’t make things any worse. I’ve lost over a stone in 3 months, sleeping 4-5 hours a day and not eating properly. It’s all guilt and all my fault but anonymous people online can’t have a negative affect…

I think its wise that she has the space. The best thing that you can do is continue to receive help, show this and the updates. Do it through your Uncle/Aunt and don’t directly approach- give her space.

Park the ring. Forget the ring. Give her space and DONT ring/text/email her directly. It could be misconstrued fella and make things worse. Just use a third party to show your progress.

Edukator it feels like honesty is all I’ve got at the moment and it’s the least I owe to those around me.

I’m not sure anonymous people on line can have a positive effect either, but professionals probably can.

Nothings being done directly. It’s all going through our solicitors…

I agree Edukator.

Don’t make my mistake & pay for the divorce legal bill & believe it when she says she’ll give you half. Still waiting 7 years on

My advice, let her keep it you can’t use it in your next victim she’ll find out & your name will be Mudd

Good luck mate this is not an easy time for you. There is some sound advice above. For my tuppence, I too think you need to focus on the gain, the ring is inconsequential, your kids however are not. They will grow up one day and wonder what sort of people their parents were, so get to the business of creating a stable relationship with them and making good memories. Your ex will be difficult to cope with for sure but think before you act.

Good – take this time to not just get help but importantly to continue with it. Are you drinking? I slipped into a pattern of drinking (not boozy/alcy) but consistent and daily. Changed my character/made me tired/grumpy/short fuse. Even a couple a night 5days and a big one Sat can screw your normal personality up abit.

OP I really hope you get the help you need. As you already know you will have a hell of a time proving your worth to your ex and gaining her trust enough to spend time with your kids again.

Regular, frequent Judge Judy watching suggests that it is reasonable to expect the ring back as it wasn’t a gift but given for a specific purpose that didn’t happen (the marrage)

The ring, for £200 it’s not worth it.

What’s far more of an issue is how you treat your children, I went through a divorce (difficult and very expensive) and I tried as much as I could to put them first (that’s doesn’t mean gifting stuff to the ex btw).

Good luck, it’s going to be a nightmare but one day it will be over.

My final comment, do not approach, text, call or email her. Even when drunk. Don’t. Give it time, let her either decide not to re-start or start on her own terms. Once you’ve contacted her- well, its going to be a mess/set you back.

I’m talking from experience, but not as the adult or father.

No Hora, not frequently. I went out last night and had enough to not really remember getting home but I was out with my best bud who’s been a huge rock so far and is helping out loads. I tend to get my fix/release from thrashing the tits off the MX bikes without worrying about the consequences if it goes wrong…

You guys are great. I’m sure there are some keeping quiet who want to call me a child beater I should be locked up etc which is fine, your entitled to your opinion. I just hope in the end, everyone’s happy again. Before Christmas it was perfect and now everyone is living a broken life because of me. The guilt is unbearable.

I figured that you might’ve been speaking from experience Hora. Everything I do has an implication in their eyes. My buying of the MX bikes was deemed as “irresponsible and a way of hiding the issues” but they failed to mention it was all money from old pushbikes.

Bradley, 3 square a day and free clobber !

http://www.legion-recrute.com/en/

Not sure what to make of that. Quite happy where I am working…

Forget the ring and as painful as it is, for the moment if it’s what she wants then leave her and the kids alone.

Has she actually said it’s over? Reading between the lines it seems she may have left to protect the children, doesn’t mean she stopped loving you. Only she can answer that so don’t get your hopes up but should you be assuming it’s over for good?

If I were you I’d focus on the help you’re receiving and make sure she knows about each step. If you can demonstrate that it really was a one off then perhaps you can salvage the situation? Hope for the best but prepare for the worst – you need to make sure you’re able to accept it’s over if that’s what she decides (or has decided).

My parents went through a very messy break up when I was 11. My mum left my dad and his reaction and subsequent behavior has left our relationship still damaged 30 years later. His relationship with my sister is beyond repair.

Whatever you do, do not let this happen to you. Keep things amicable and think long term. Your children are what matters here, not you or your partner.

Your priority are your kids and they will need their Dad in their lives. Getting help is making steps to seeing them again. See this as your goal and work towards this, using all the professional help which is available.
Don’t lose sight of this and don’t get into arguments.

She left because the courts made her leave and since then she has said ‘it’s over’ etc. She did tell me on one occasion to ignore everything she does as she wants the children back in her care ASAP (she’s still supervised to prove she can cope without me, won’t allow me back into the children’s life unsupervised, which I understand).

The issue I have is on one hand she has told me she wants to work it out in the long run, still loves me and that we will work it out eventually. On the other, she has stated that what she told me was simply a lie to get me to do what she wanted (attend a specific psychiatric assessment in London down that there Harley street) and that it’s definitely over she doesn’t see a future for us ever again and she wants to concentrate on rebuilding her life.

Which story do I believe because one of them is a lie…

Believe the ‘it’s over’ one, that way you can move on.

Uh huh, what if I move on and when things are steady she says I think I’m ready to try again…

I give up. Nearly end of the day for me so I can go and bury my head in something again this afternoon.

Everyone makes mistakes, try not to let guilt burn you up inside. Concentrate on getting better and mending your relationship with your kids.

Best of luck bud 🙂

I’ve made a mistake that could pick up enough momentum to ruin the rest of my life…If I get sent to jail for example.

That part is out of your hands, it wasn’t deliberate and I’m sure it wouldn’t happen again. I guess you have to try and deal with the consequences and then move on.
Easy for me to say, I know.

Having children of 3 and 1 I know how frustrating they can be so I can imagine that if you had something underlying it might tip you over the edge.

bradley – Member
She left because the courts made her leave and since then she has said ‘it’s over’ etc. She did tell me on one occasion to ignore everything she does as she wants the children back in her care ASAP (she’s still supervised to prove she can cope without me, won’t allow me back into the children’s life unsupervised, which I understand).

The issue I have is on one hand she has told me she wants to work it out in the long run, still loves me and that we will work it out eventually. On the other, she has stated that what she told me was simply a lie to get me to do what she wanted (attend a specific psychiatric assessment in London down that there Harley street) and that it’s definitely over she doesn’t see a future for us ever again and she wants to concentrate on rebuilding her life.

Which story do I believe because one of them is a lie…

Badley, she’s probably just as crushed by all this as you, but she’s probably getting a lot of anti you feedback from her support group. Had she been my daughter regrettably I’d be giving her the same advice, stay away from you.
You have a veritable mountain to climb if you ever want either her trust or bless her the little girl, think how she must be feeling now, in her mind she may be thinking it’s her fault she made you mad and now the family have broken up because of her.

You all need help, there must be some support body you could collectively go to, I’m not aware enough about the various services available, you must look into it.

I can only commiserate with you on what is a terrible disaster, which I truly hope was as you say an accident.

what if I move on and when things are steady she says I think I’m ready to try again…

Deal with it if/when that happens. If you’re prepared mentally to live your life without her then you’ll be in better shape to make any further judgement calls.

You sound pretty messed up at the moment, fix that first and then deal with whatever else comes along when it comes along. You can’t know what’s going to happen so deal with what has happened and is happening.

Edit: And as derek points out, she’s probably all over the place too. Sounds like her world fell apart at about the same time yours did.

Thanks guys. It will be over one day and I know this, it’s just so difficult to see through such a thick cloud of shit smoke at times.

I had both my parents all my life, and my grandparents, both sides. A very strong family set up with very good family morals

my parents etc just feel so distant even though I’m living with them

Relationships with our parents are complicated, their influence far reaching for better or worse. They had key roles in forming our personalities and value systems, without getting too Freudian this might be a bad time to be living with them.

The British legal and social system loves kicking a dog when he’s down. Soak up the kicks, don’t bark, don’t bite, walk to heel and they’ll eventually lose interest and stop kicking.

I struggle with long sentences

From a legal perspective the ring does NOT belong to you.

Funnily enough you’re not the first bloke to be in that situation, and the legal precedent is very clear.

I asked for one back once.
It was worth about £10k
I felt at the time it was mine, i owned it.
I was wrong.

“The Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970 provides the answer and it is actually relatively straight forward. This legislation states that:

The gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason.

Basically, although it can seem unfair, this means that unless there was an agreement to return the engagement ring if the wedding was cancelled then the recipient is under no obligation to return the ring. The courts will generally say there was an implied intention that the ring would be returned if it had particular sentimental value to the person who proposed, for example if it was a family heirloom.

It is however possible to ask the court to adjudicate on the issue if you are not able to agree, although given the high costs of litigation this should always be the last resort.”
I googled this.

And away from the ring point which is really just trivia compared to your bigger issues , Back off from resentment and worry about dividing assets focus on your long term relationship with your children . I do not know your relationship with her but as a criminal lawyer I have seen many lifetimes worth of similar stories to yours sincerely if it has got to this point seek some help to address the issues that got you here , and give her the distance and space to move on ,if she choses not to all well and good but assume she will and let her .

Edukator – I have nowhere else to live.

I’m not gonna ask for the ring back as like others have said it’s the least of my worries and if the law says it isn’t mine that seals it. I was just trying to work out a way to deal with it.

Thanks crankboy. Useful and precise clarification. I am seeking help to resolve my issues, had several psychiatric assessments and in the process of being referred to somewhere to help me deal with emotional anxiety and anger management which so I’m told due to my aspergers could all be linked…

I am struggling to see any point in my being if I get sent to jail. I try to ignore these thoughts but they are there at the back of my head. I can’t deal with losing my children, my partner, my jobs, all of my friends etc…gonna be a sleepless night tonight unless I take more medication I can tell already lol…

You need to talk to someone who wants to help you rather than further beat you up, prosecute you, persecute you, analyse you… . This thread isn’t about a ring, you’re in a mess and the ring is a tiny but symbolic part of it.

Does anybody on here know Bradley in real life? If you do I think he needs you now whatever he’s done and whatever you think of what he’s done.

I’m crap at this kind of thing, after previous attempts at being myself on forums my Internet persona here is often a less than sympathetic, abrasive, know-it-all. Not the best STWer to be offering advice. A “troll” currently taking five minutes a sentence and doing a lot of staring at the screen trying to think of something that will help and not doing very well. There is rarely reason to have concern about people on here, I’m concerned. You are in an awful situation, have the strength to pull through, Bradley. Might be worth calling:

Samaritans

I’ve ridden with a couple off here but none of them are regulars AFAIK and aren’t aware of the situation unless they’ve read this.

All it seems coming my way from social services is constant scrutiny and criticism and hardship. They’re reluctant to offer me any help, all the psychiatric assessments I’ve pushed for myself through my GP.

I thought I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago, maybe 1 month, when I overdosed on about 4 boxes of diazepam. The trigger was a court date, first time seeing my partner in 2 months and I expected her to at least look at me when she walked in. Completely ignored. Crushed me in a instant and that was the end of the line for me that day.

I feel like I’m creeping back to those thoughts on a more frequent basis these last few days and it **** sucks. Can feel myself getting wound up over nothing at work.

Can’t see the end. The thought of not seeing my children on their birthdays this year is eating me inside.