I feel I’m supposed to be the happiest I’ve ever been
That’s a load of rubbish right there.
To justify that claim you quote all the standard things that you think you’re meant to aspire to and that should make you happy. This is all bullshit. You need to find what makes you happy. What you have isn’t it.
I do this by lying on a bed and concentrating and imagining things I could be doing. When you imagine a good one it’ll make you feel better. If you imagine something and your brain runs away making you think of stressful things and problems, that’s not a good one.
For me, currently (it sounds like a cliché) but what makes me happy is thinking of being out in the wilderness – not necessarily biking, but on a big trip out somewhere on an adventure; and also having enough money to clear all my burdens.Posted 10 months ago
so I didn’t think I’d resort to posting about this on StW but I’ve seen some similar threads on mental health and thought I’d try. I don’t know where to start to paint a picture but I’m 34, dad to an 18mo old and husband to my lovely wife and we are all in good health. Bought a new build house a year ago and have enjoyed this new period of my life save for a few wee things in that time that are to be expected. So what’s the problem? Well I’ve always been short tempered, and I’m seemingly stressed a lot these days. I feel like I’m becoming my dad who I remember as being very highly strung when I was little. Wife is mentioning it more and more and I’m not sure what to do. I relocated across the U.K. 5 years ago this summer from my home and consequently all friends are back home. I have no contact with anyone (outside work) I can socialize with- mtb for me is mostly solo, which ironically I don’t mind as most of my bike time has been solo.
I can get very worked up about somewhat trivial things- not always trivial though- and I’m feeling increasingly upset that this is now coming across to my wife and my baby daughter more frequently. Two people who I never want to burden with my bad attitude especially when it boils over. I’m never violent, never have been but sometimes there’s a simmering tension about me that I hate and I become more moody than I think I have been in recent years. I struggle with keeping perspective on life all the time. I feel I’m supposed to be the happiest I’ve ever been but I don’t know if i am, if I’m just ‘low’ actually depressed, or what. I can’t put my finger on it. And when I’m asked what’s wrong? I have no answer! It’s caused the odd row recently with my oH when she’s, quite rightly, got pissed at my latest strop about nothing in particular.
Sorry for the vague and broad post but I don’t know what to do to change. Some current worries about the house (leasehold/new build/crisis of confidence) are piling up and I’m not myself anymore. Not sure what to do now. 😐Posted 10 months agoSaxonRiderSubscriber
I can relate very much to what you’re saying, op. After years of struggling, I finally went to the doctor about other symptoms and was pretty seriously depressed.
I have since found that the antidepressants have helped with precisely the feelings you’re describing.
Do talk to your gp.Posted 10 months agobearnecessitiesSubscriber
I don’t post in mental health threads, because I don’t have anything to contribute.
However, I can relate to:
Lost enthusiasm for keeping in shape in the last 12 months or so.
I’m a big fan of keeping in shape and eating well. If I stop one of the two, then I just lose appetite for the other, and I pile on a few pounds and feel crappy.
I then force myself to get down to the pool (or your exercise of choice; I’ve heard some people ride a push bike) and the endorphins kick back in and I’m motivated to eat well again. They both go together in my experience and I’m back to myself.
Personally, I like a few months off from exercise to eat crap and drink too much wine, usually in winter, but I quickly feel like shit in the head.
Anyhow, just my two-Kenneth to contribute if it’s any use.
Edit: I’m leaving that autocorrect.Posted 10 months agothe-muffin-manSubscriber
OP – you sound just like me, only I’m having random suicidal thoughts too!
Not that I’d act on these – I just have crystal clear images that come on any moment – things like ‘I could just walk out in front of that bus’, ‘what if I stepped of this cliff’ type of thing. They just come out of the blue and I often have vidid dreams of it.
Financially we’re in the best place we’ve been for 10+ years, and now have spare income, and our daughter is nearing 15 so getting more independent – so like you things ‘should’ be good. But I feel on a bit of a downward spiral – could be fear of losing the good things now?
I don’t socialise on my own with anyone either outside of work, and even at work there are only a few people. We go out as a couple with friends, but I don’t have my own group of friends (I probably have myself to blame for this).
I’m about to make an appointment at the docs and see what he says.
I’m also thinking about going back to shooting or archery to get in with a new crowd of people.Posted 10 months agocinnamon_girlSubscriber
Not as good as it has been in recent years- it’s not brilliant. Lost enthusiasm for keeping in shape in the last 12 months or so.
OK, do you depend on coffee for alertness? How’s your alcohol intake? Diet would be the first thing to address as it can make a big difference. With regard to your irritability some folk find that giving up gluten has meant they no longer have a temper. (I’m almost gluten-free and feeling less grumpy).
I think molgrips has made some good points, you do indeed need to find out what makes you happy. Also why not seek out a cycling club or even take up another sport?
Pick yourself up and makes changes, you’ve nothing to lose and everything to gain. 🙂Posted 10 months agoKryton57Subscriber
Stop thinking about “how your supposed to be”. Your putting pressure on yourself. Your in a stressful period of time that most of us have lived through. New motgages, young kids, a job to do and then… trying to find time for anything else becomes difficult. Its a busy, mostly unknown path your are treading but one that leads to much joy.
Accept “being you” stop reading the news and social media if you do that, stop feeling pressured to live up to any hype or standards promoted by anyone else (often false of exaggerated btw). Just enjoy the day to day around you. The many threads on here about meditating, mindfullness and the recent on on Stoicism may be a good read for you.Posted 10 months agogordimhorMember
When I was at a similar stage in life I felt something like you do. I never managed to sort it in time and ended up divorced. There were other factors in that though.Divorce and stress of the break up certainly made things tougherPosted 10 months ago
What can help quickly is diet as CG said and meditation/ mindfulness. Longer term friends will help so join a club or something. It can be difficult to go to your gp if you are a relatively new patient and perhaps don’t have a relationship with them but don’t be afraid to do so even talking to them might help.jambalayaSubscriber
As @scotroutes suggested, how is your sleep ? Try and focus on quality and quantity – get some more. Avoid big meals late at night, (less booze too ?), avoid looking at phone / computer screens in the hour before bed …
Meditation is another good shout, you can do this in lots of different ways. Think of a really happy and calm image (for me it was the mountains behind lake Geneva) and then proceed to empty your mind, listen to your own breathingPosted 10 months agoLATSubscriber
read your post, nick but not all the replies. I imagine you are more tired than you’ve been in the past having a baby. I am an irritable sod who also has a baby. I have been more tired and more irritable than I was in the past, but find going to bed increadably early has helped.
I imagine you are experiencing the symptoms of depression and you may be depressed. However, the depression could be a result of being more tired and more stressed than you were pre-baby. As for behaving like your dad, is this genetic or learned behaviour? Who knows? When I find myself reacting to a situation like my dad would (his annoying traits, not one of his many good qualities) I try to recognise the fact and consciously change my behaviour. I also try to recognise the situations that will make me behave like that so I can preemptively adjust my behaviour.
Exercise is good for me, especially riding as I get some alone time and do something I enjoy. So are early nights. These suggestions may not be entirely practical for you, but talking to you wife and explaining your needs is a good way to start meeting them within the confines of your responsibilities.
Having a baby is difficult, so is moving away from your friends (done that too).
The GP will help, too. Some are better than others.
Best of luckPosted 10 months ago
Thank you so much for all the replies so far. Very inciteful and touching in many ways. The diet thing is something I am acutely aware of- and I’m looking to change that. I have been through phases in the past of much ‘cleaner’ eating and have seen the benefits- and this was typically pre baby. So I know how powerful it can be, as with reducing alcohol. Will be looking to change this. Whether I take it to a GP I don’t know yet.
A family friend is currently into crossfit – something I have had a disparaging view of in the past… but I know better now, and have less ignorance towards it, so I’m getting in touch to get that motivation to get back into a routine with training. I’ve struggled to get that off the ground at home having previously been quite an active home trainer. I think the social aspect won’t do any harm either. Wife is supportive of this and was actually her suggestion I’m pleased to say. Opened up to her about my feelings yesterday.
As to whether I’m the problem, clearly outside factors bother me and trigger my bad moods. But I become a problem to my loved ones if this is indunged as I see it. This is why I want to change what I am becoming. Also looking at re looking at Headspace- which I had also lost enthusiasm for. I do believe it can do good things.Posted 10 months agobearnecessitiesSubscriber
Good luck fella; there’s definitely a correlation between exercise, food and a happier mind.
As far as whether you are the problem; I’m a miserable bastard that believes (from evidence) that most people are idiots.
I’d suggest you are not the problem; it really is everyone else. Being happier with yourself through grub and exercise will help you see that.
Get eating properly 🙂Posted 10 months agogeetee1972Member
and my baby daughter
I feel for you buddy but here’s something you really need to consider.
Post Natal Depression affects new dads as well as new mums. This is something we have only just started to recognise but’s a genuine phenomena.
I think now, looking back, it’s something I also experienced but didn’t recognise it at the time. Certainly my wife’s experience was well diagnosed and well treated.
You just need to get some help; your GP will be forthcoming.Posted 10 months agotjagainMember
to me this is two issues each of which is making the other worse. You say you have always been short tempered – add stress to that and its not a good mix.
I suspect a bit of depression as well.
I feel I’m supposed to be the happiest I’ve ever been but I don’t know if i am,
is to me a key thing. I believe one of the drivers of our current epidemic of depression in the west is the gulf between expectations and reality.
It would seem you are experiencing a spiral or cycle of behaviour where you know your behaviour is causing issues but knowing this makes the stress worse.
My advice? I am a big fan of counselling – person centred / holistic style by choice
Put aside your unrealistic expectations and be happy with your lot
Talk to your other half – acknowledge your behaviour, the effect it has on her and ask for her help in getting out of the cycle of behaviour – ie limit the damage its doing to your relationship
Get outside more – fresh air and exercise and the sun on your face is helpful – both as a natural antidepressant an a way of burning off the stress hormones.
A bit of anger management might be helpful as well
If your leg is broiken you would have no issue getting professional help – well sounds like your head is a bit broken – so get professional help.
good luck – the first step to recovery is acknowledging there is a problemPosted 10 months agovickypeaMember
Do you maybe feel pressure that you ought to be the happiest you’ve ever been? That in itself can be stressful.Posted 10 months ago
I’m just about keeping a lid on my own depression which was quite bad at the start of the year. Riding my bike with Mr Pea and a few friends is my main medicine. Don’t under estimate the value of having friends locally.jkomoSubscriber
I am exactly the same, so was my Dad.Posted 10 months ago
Always snappy, only relaxed after a long ride, needing constant hits of fun to look forward to.
Pretty twatish really, but made worse by money worries, then eldest diagnosed with Something to really worry about, I thought, **** this and went to see GP.
Much better now.
Email if you want more info. Don’t like sticking it on tnet.tomdSubscriber
I can very much relate to what you described as my domestic and life situation is almost identical. Kryton’s advice about sums up where I’ve got it to with it.
It’s a bit of a cliche now but have you looked into ant mindfulness techniques? There’s a Harvard press book that’s good and skips all the woo woo and incense.
It sounds daft but some of the mindfulness stuff helps me when I’m down, grumpy and irritable. Just realising how I’m feeling in more considered way helps me do little steps to help myself and not be a total arse.Posted 10 months agoandosMember
A friend of mine once explained how for 99% of the evolution of mankind, we were hunter gatherers, surviving day to day by sheltering in a cave, finding enough food for the day and reproducing. Our minds are not wired for the kind of lives we now lead. I know this doesn’t help solve your problems or make you feel any better but for me it was the first step towards realising that its normal to have these feelings. Its fine to realise that everything has got too much and to take a step back and think about what is really important.
Please look after yourself, find a really good friend who you can be open and honest with and as others have said, treat it as you would with a physical injury. Let me know if I can help.Posted 10 months agoMr WoppitMember
I suspect that the state of the nation in a suddenly changing, seemingly increasingly unstable world may have something to do with what sounds to me like your own small chunk of a daily more widedpread miasma of depression and anxiety. Compounded by your position of family responsibility.
Even if the News is only background static for you, it must congeal into an unconcious underpinning of constant worry.
Find a way to change your mental key shape to it’s lock.Posted 10 months agoFuzzyWuzzySubscriber
I get short tempered when stressed, sounds like you do to so all I can say is address what’s stressing you – easier said than done though. If I catch myself doing it I’ll try and take a few moments and run through in my head why I’m getting worked up over something trivial and usually that’s enough for me to calm down, unfortunately that only works about 50% of the time. There’s probably some forms of counselling that may help (mindfulness, CBT etc.) but I think you need to buy into them for them to have a chance of being effective and can’t say I really do so haven’t tried them.Posted 10 months agomildboreMember
You say you have always been short tempered? If this a specific behaviour that is the root of your problem, I would suggest CBT to address how you react to situations. If however your irritability is just the outward manifestation of an underlying dissatisfaction then you need to deal with that.Posted 10 months ago
Mufffin man, please see a doctor.
Good luc? both
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