Sad.
Im fee4ling this is an attack because of my thread where I stupidly mentioned my iq. Ok maybe aye, maybe no, but given that thread aIl took a lot of criticism.
If thaats the case then who does that now reflect upon.
I didnt ask to be born with autism, and having an IQ such doesnt mean im on par with any sort of genius. just its high, and maybe that in itself is the reason they class me as vulnerable.
I look at past experience as a method of relating to current situations, a way of drawing on past learned experiences and use those to direct or hoefuly influence my decision making.
And as a result im at my lowest ebb.
Heath is dire currently, i’ve tests on Tuesday to confirm if its lung cancer or not. As such Im far too open, too melancholic looking back is something im settling on, because the future is looking bleak. Breathing’s been difficult these last few months. Ive become an expert at lying to myself. I knew this wasn’t something to forget about.
Too many cigarettes, probably compounded with this lockdown, Ill i have to hold onto is the past, so sit and chain smoke. I know that was the worse thing i could be doing, but there is little else in a day to day setting.
.
Overall, and something which is hard for anyone who cycles, or has done for nearly 20 years is the risk of losing my right leg below the knee. That frightens me so much I dont think I could continue on. The vascular surgeon has given me a 5 year timespan, and we’re 2 years in.
Currently that art of the leg is ice cold, and im even using these heat pads to force some heat into it and hopefully prevent the blood from pooling and other complications setting it.
Its one problem compounding another. I can hardly walk 5 steps without pain, but I force myself on. A bicycle is easier, I can go a distance I cant walking anymore and the loss of ability to ride leaves me feeling it would be pointless.
.
Im buying an ebike because cycling now is difficult, but I stoically force myself on and forcing myself to continue at all costs seems to be an intricate part of my person. Now more than ever.
Im hoping this will allow me to keep going, even if it is at 5mh with kids and little old ladies whizzing past.
.
If the op thinks ridiculing me, and launching a personal attack then so be it, maybe that reflects on you rather than myself. If thats what you want then thats ok, i was upset but im resigned now and no longer care.
My past is my past, its bad, and worse than most will ever be aware, and I know others have had similar or worse lives, i wouldnt cheapen those experiences.
I feel i am still here because I have a large iq, as something drove me on through homelessness, the abuse the loss of friends and loved one and kept me going while most of my friends jagged or drank themselves to death. Something I feel helped me cope, maybe even a detachment of reality.
If its just your timing OP, then I apologize.
I shall trouble thee no more.