I'm upset with my wife, is it me who is in the wrong?

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  • I'm upset with my wife, is it me who is in the wrong?
  • Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    The night out would never be an issue NYE or not. The asking if you would mind and then doing it I would find hurtful. I don’t get the points thing though – surely marriage is as much about give and take as it is about anything…? I can’t understand it either when friends or colleagues need to get a ‘pass’ for a night out.

    crankboy
    Member

    Wot jam1974 said.

    yunki
    Member

    I think the people that don’t get the points thing are confusing ‘marriage’ with ‘parenthood..’

    To keep things on a humorous and jokey level regarding who gets a bit of respite and when, we operate a (very approximate) tongue in cheek tally system..

    Mrs yunki has a very busy social life and training schedule and I spend a lot of my life minding the kids to enable this..
    Come summertime, there will be a couple of long weekends when I will be off my tits in a field somewhere soaking up the smells of cut grass, woodsmoke and weed whilst getting my insides rattled by throbbing basslines and tear inducing joyful melodies..

    it’s a fun system

    yunki
    Member

    That aside..

    Mrs toounfittoride’s **** you attitude would seem to indicate some deeper relationship issues

    Frankenstein
    Member

    If I did that, my wife or kids wouldn’t speak to me again!

    She sounds pretty selfish.

    Expect a divorce in future?

    Maybe she’s bored being a Mum/wife?

    If it was the other way round and posted on Mumsnet,there would be the wrath of every woman/Mum for their husband to be castrated.

    Take the kids to Disney Land then? With a friend…

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    I think the people that don’t get the points thing are confusing ‘marriage’ with ‘parenthood..’

    Not sure I get it still. We just do what we do and neither of us is disadvantaged.

    yunki
    Member

    well.. that’s very neat and rational.. well done 😀

    RichPenny
    Member

    I think you both could have done things differently. Going to see Gary Barlow is presumably a nod to her youth; something to remind her she is still something other than a wife and mother. You could have reinforced this need by encouraging her to go and have fun with her old mates. She could have reassured you that your family is central in her life.

    Clearly the above is a bit distorted if she’s out every weekend with her mates and hasn’t spent the last 10 NYE with you. Have you discussed why NYE is so important to you? Maybe being apart for one will bring you closer together?

    Premier Icon tenfoot
    Subscriber

    I think the people that don’t get the points thing are confusing ‘marriage’ with ‘parenthood..’

    Not sure I get it still. We just do what we do and neither of us is disadvantaged.

    I agree with Yunki. Call it a points system, whatever, but when you have small kids and limited babysitting offers, it’s all about compromise and respect for the other partner. I would feel bad going off on numerous nights out, and bike trips, thus leaving my wife to stay in and look after the kids, if she didn’t have the opportunity to do the same.

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    Cheers Yunki. I think when you love someone not taking the piss with your social life is easy. I think what you say you do is pretty much the same!

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    In your situation I’d have said “fill your boots”; at the end of the day it’s just a night (so to speak), there’s 364 others to go at. So I think you were being a bit miserable in saying you’d mind in the first place.

    However, to then go and book the tickets regardless is a big “screw you” and would raise some questions for me. Why bother asking in the first place? If she’d already bought them or a mate had before she could stop them then fair enough, but to go and do it without further discussion is massively disrespectful.

    Summary: you’re both wrong. HTH. (-:

    bland
    Member

    I could do with a pass out coupon like that, exchange for cheap weekend in Spain in feb, jobs a goodun!

    slackalice
    Member

    Given that the OP has not responded since early yesterday evening, I am hoping the issue is being discussed away from the public glare and the influence of the many comments and suggestions proffered thus far.

    I would like to think that open, honest and positive discussions are bringing fresh understanding and reconciliation.

    johnj2000
    Member

    Mrs johnj opinion was that as it could be a once in a lifetime opportunity, and to be fair you wouldn’t want to see him more than once, she wouldn’t have a major problem. I then dropped the other part of the discussion into the conversation and it started a whole rant about respect for each other etc etc and somehow I felt I was shouldering the blame so I backed out of the situation and busied myself purchasing a Berber suspension multitool thanks to the other thread on here.

    IMHO nye is about being with those close to you, but now I know that if KISS were playing a special NYE concert in New York, I’d be allowed to go. I will be trAwling the gig guides 😆

    thebrowndog
    Member

    If she was going to book it anyway, why bother asking you first ?

    Time to reset this … *

    She wasn’t asking your permission. She asked because she wants to know that she thinks you are important and that you think she is important (bare with me)

    Does she ever ask you which shoes she should wear? The ones she has on, or the ones in her hand. The ones she has on are the ones she likes – that’s why she has them on. Fact is the shoes will probably be almost exactly the same to a man’s untrained eye, but she wants you to prove to her that you care about the way she looks as much as she does. So the only response should be to ask her to change the shoes so you can see her in the other ones, and then tell her you liked the ones she had on in the first place. It could be shoes. It could be dinner. It could be the sort of soap in the sink.

    Basically, we’re all the same and want/need similar things. But we do go about getting those things in different ways.

    So when your wife asks if its ok for her to disappear with her friends on NYE to go to a concert, there is only one way to deal with it, something like: well, you know I love NYE and think its an important night for us to be together. But sometimes its also important for us to do things with other people, and the concert sounds like great fun. WIsh I could go with you. So while I am a bit miffed that you want to be somewhere else on NYE, go with my blessings and have a great time, and we can do the together thing the next night.

    * This advice comes with a health warning. It could be complete bollocks.

    mightymule
    Member

    Each to their own, but I would be seriously pissed off if the OH did that.

    JCL
    Member

    You’d be welcome Junkyard, Andrew Weatherall this New Year, with the usual (cough)after party shenanigans(cough) dragging us well into New Years Day or beyond.

    No better way to see in the year than with the master. I’m jealous.

    Premier Icon jambalaya
    Subscriber

    I think it’s wrong to ask and then book it anyway. OP the “mrs” should have kept discussing the issue and ultimately said either “ok I’m not going” or “I understand you don’t want me to go but it’s important to me so I’m going”

    IMO (and experience) stuff like this can very easily lead to irreparable damage.

    Premier Icon 2unfit2ride
    Subscriber

    Many thanks for all the replies, I have tried to listen to you all, but I also appreciate how my wife feels about this being a one off event for her. This has brought a couple of underlying issues to the fore & it does look as if I am genuinely to blame for this situation. So lets put this to bed, the long & short of it is my SO thought I wouldn’t mind, I did, we are working it out.

    Cheers all.

    If she doesn’t value your ideas of it being about seeing the end of the yr together/it being a family time that’s not cool. If she understands that but sees it as just another day/night and that you can do the family thing another time well that’s not so bad.

    Either way this is Gary Barlow – partly responsible for the end of good music being on TV.

    thered
    Member

    Hmmm, tough one, as I would’ve said yes when asked in the first place and feel I should be telling you to mtfu.

    However the fact that you objected and she booked it anyway would really get me! Shows an enormous lack of respect IMO and what shape’s your relationship in if she doesn’t respect you?

    Obv I must qualify this cos I don’t know you or your missus so have no idea what state your relationship’s in but if you will ask questions on a forum.

    Premier Icon JoeG
    Subscriber

    Buy yourself a new bike.

    Find the one that you want, and another that costs at least twice as much. Then ask her opinion on which you should get! 😈

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