I'm really not alright

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  • I'm really not alright
  • RealMan

    Yesterday I woke up at 6:15am to race.

    I came out of my room half awake and found my best mate hanging from the stair bannister.

    I froze. Then I tried to hold him up, support his weight, realising that was stupid, I ran to the kitchen and got a knife, and cut him down. Dialled 999.

    Shouting at the operator.

    Probably the shittest CPR I’ll ever do in my life, I hope. All the first aid training out the window.

    Paramedics. About to leave with them for the hospital, ran upstairs to check his room for anything that might be helpful – empty pill boxes, empty vodka bottle, whatever. Didn’t find much, except for a note.

    The police stopped me going with him. A little while later they told me he’d died. They let me read the note before taking it away for evidence. I really hope they give it back for his family.

    Lots of police. Then they left. Sitting around, felt like we were waiting for something. Not sure what.

    Trying to keep busy. It works, a little. Being alone isn’t great. Don’t like leaving my room, don’t like looking at the stairs. Can’t get the image of him out of my head. God I miss him. I’m alone in the house right now, I guess this is why I’m writing this, to keep my mind busy.

    We knew he was depressed – he’s suffered with it for a long time. But he’s so young, and he’s seemed fine recently.

    I’m **** angry. I’m blaming myself, in anyway I can. I know it’s stupid. People keep asking me if I’m alright.

    For your sake, if you know someone who is depressed, someone that you love. Tell them. Tell them all the time.

    Everyone is being really supportive. I don’t want support. I want my friend back.


    Sh*t! Healing vibes man…


    OMG! That’s truly awful. Don’t know what else to say right now other than my thoughts are with you and his friends/family.


    How truly awful – I feel for you. We do our best but sometimes it’s just not enough, guess he was determined. Very sad. CPR rate of success is low – you did your best. I’d strongly suggest you get some help X

    Premier Icon davosaurusrex

    I don’t know what to say, I just feel the need to say something. Really sorry for both the loss of your friend and that you had to witness something so terrible.


    I’m really sorry for you mate. Nothing I can say will make you feel better but thoughts to you and his family.

    Premier Icon davosaurusrex

    Second what Diane said, when you feel ready get some professional counselling, next to no-one can deal with that alone


    That’s terrible to hear George..

    I doubt there’s much anyone can say to take away the pain right now, but please try not to be too hard on yourself..

    I’ve got a fair bit of experience of this sort of thing, and I’m a firm believer that there is something deeper bubbling underneath the surface of any suicide victim..

    always here if you need a talk man..

    b r

    Our neighbour did it the same way, his daughters boyfriend found him.

    No idea what goes through their heads…

    Premier Icon boltonjon

    Deepest sympathies for you

    Words can’t describe what your going through

    Mental illness really is horrible

    My thoughts are with you and the family of your friend

    Premier Icon molgrips

    That’s shit. I can’t offer support anyway, but you have my sympathy.

    Premier Icon oldnpastit

    Really sorry for you.

    Premier Icon tomhoward

    My deepest sympathies, must be thoroughly shit going through that. Is there anyone you can hang out with tonight, just to keep your mind company? Apart from us rabble?

    Thoughts also with your friend’s family. RIP.

    Premier Icon sweaman2

    Not nice. Many condolences. Not much more I can say really. To be honest if I was you I’d find a friends house to sleep at or book into a hotel for a couple of nights – Being alone in the house I think anyone would be the same as you and just be staring at the door etc, etc.

    Premier Icon SaxonRider

    Best wishes, Realman.

    Please find someone to talk to. You’re at university, right? I hope it doesn’t sound trite to say that the student support officer will be helpful.

    Whatever the case, keep well.

    Tomhoward, well put.

    Rm, stay strong. Speak to people. People are, generally speaking, good. They will help. As will we, for what little it’s worth.

    Premier Icon scaredypants

    That is shit RM – sorry for you and his loved ones

    See if you can find a counselling service – You probably think they’re a load of shite but they might just be able to help you organise your thoughts a bit

    It isn’t your fault

    Dreadful situation, but it is not your fault.

    Look after yourself and take care


    Realman, don’t beat youself up. Easier said than done i know, in hindsight we all think we could do more BUT it’s impossible to know what was going on in your friends mind. Stay with friends and stay positive.

    It isn’t your fault

    This is correct.

    Premier Icon mogrim

    Nothing I can really add to what others have already said – my condolences.

    Sorry to hear such tragic news. Sorry for your friend and sorry that you had to be the person to deal with the consequences. You really should try to either be with someone else tonight, it’s no time to be by yourself.

    Premier Icon kimbers

    thats awful, you should definately speak to someone professional about this

    and it definately wasnt your fault

    and Id find a new place to live


    You need to be with people RealMan, try not to be on your own for at least the next few days. What you have experienced is truly horrendous.

    Premier Icon aracer

    Not a lot to say which could help you at all. Just remember that you will get over it and feel better – probably not all that soon, but at some point. Not that you’re likely to ever forget, but the pain will dull. I’d really recommend finding some friends to be with – or maybe even to crash with – I’m sure in your circumstances you’ll find you have some good ones, maybe even ones you didn’t realise you had. Probably the last thing you want to do, but make some phone calls NOW – I can’t believe anybody who’s a real friend would object to getting a call from you at the moment.

    Having suffered from depression for quite a while, I can kind of see it from your friend’s point of view – unfortunately it gets to the point where it’s not so much that you’re not thinking rationally, but that you believe you are thinking rationally when you’re not.


    Woah. That’s got too be really tough to handle. My deepest sympathies to you.
    Like others have said, having people around who you can talk to, is really important right now.
    Stay positive.


    Ooh, um, errr.

    Cripes that’s awful.

    Stay safe, stay clean and healthy.

    Premier Icon althepal

    Its a horrible thing- Deal with this at work and a good mate did the same last year.
    Can only imagine how bad things seem in their heads that that that’s the only solution they can see.
    But you’ll never fully understand it, you just have to try not to feel guilty about it, remember the good times and try to move on.
    It ain’t easy and its ok to be angry at him. Speak to someone about it, rant or blab about it on here. It’ll help a bit, maybe.
    Horrible situation for you but you did your best and that’s all anyone can do.

    Premier Icon somafunk

    Shit!…..i have no idea what to say to make you feel any better, christ….to be honest mate nothing i say can make you feel better to be honest but for gods sake don’t feel it was up to you to forsee it or consider you should have done something to prevent it- you couldn’t have done anything! – allright?.

    I was in a similar position many years ago with a friend who suffered from schizophrenia, i tortured myself for years afterwards to no avail., i was out on a cycle run from castle douglas to my home town kirkcudbright, halfway home on the A75 i come across many blue flashing lights and there’s a local fireman i recognise flagging me down, i stop and he eventually gets it across to me that one of my friends is up a tree with a rope round his neck and he’s hearing voices telling him to jump. I ran across the field to the copse of trees and try to reason with him but he barely recognises me as he’s in full flight schizo mode shouting at everything and nothing, he looks at me and mouths ‘Im sorry” then jumps and hangs there jerking and convulsing till the fireman can get him down, by this point the blood supply to his brain had been cut off and the damage to throat and spine was extensive, he survived, just……i dunno if it was a blessing that he survived though as he is now severely brain damaged and needs help on a daily basis, he has no function to swallow and needs fed through a tube to his stomach – there’s not been a single day that goes by that i do not suddenly come to a complete stop in whatever i’m doing at the time, or wherever i am as i so vividly remember him looking at me, mouthing the words “i’m sorry” and jumping, when it hits me i get so **** angry that i’m best left well alone otherwise…………….i just feel just so **** useless for not seeing the problem or considering i may have been able to help him somehow, i knew he had schizophrenia but i thought it was semi-controlled.

    I’d like to say you’ll get over it but you never will – sorry, it is something you will carry with you for the rest of your life but please consider it is how you carry it that will define you from this moment on. I’m not much help i’m afraid but it has made me a more accepting person with regard to mental health issues, which can only be a good thing, and we still have a laugh every now and then as i know he still recognises me, his eyes give it away.

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl

    How truly awful for you. Is there someone you can stay with, to talk it through? I really don’t think you should be on your own.

    Pastoral care at uni does tend to be excellent so you must approach them for support.

    Please take care of yourself.



    As above, it’s not your fault.
    Take time to be upset, but don’t be angry.
    Take time to remember him as your friend, and make time to talk to his relatives about what he meant to you.

    It’s OK to feel messed up for a while; it’s the price we all pay when people we like aren’t there anymore.

    Premier Icon muddydwarf

    I’m so, so sorry to hear this.
    I can only echo what others have said,ring people, ring them now and get out of the house.

    my very deepest sympathies .


    I spent last night at my girlfriend’s, and I’ve talked to the uni already, I’m seeing someone tomorrow. They’ve also provided me with some accommodation so I don’t have to stay here. I’m only here at the moment to put some stuff together. I don’t mind being here too much, just don’t want to sleep here right now.

    somafunk… Thank you.


    Don’t know what else to say that hasn’t already been said – keep talking to people, and keep posting on here… I think this place was a bit of comfort to the chap who lost his little baby a few weeks back.

    It’ll take time, you need to work through it (5 stages of grief etc) don’t expect to be fine next week, but as long as you can keep talking, and focus on some positives you’ll get through it, and put it in its place.

    Premier Icon takisawa2

    Oh man. Don’t know what to say. Your mate was in a dark place & hopefully the poor chaps now found some peace. You will too, eventually. Probably never fully understand it. You’ll probably understand enough to cope enough to accept it. Sorry for the loss of your mate Real Man.


    A friend of ours did the same a few years back. His wife said goodbye and popped to the shops and came back to him hanging in the loft.

    No note, no signs of depression or money worries.

    I really feel for you buddy. Try to be around friends as much as possible and just remember that someone who is really determined to kill themselves will eventually, and there really is nothing that you could have done than you already did.

    Like others have said on here, make sure you keep posting if you feel you get comfort and support from the STW crowd.

    All the best

    Premier Icon Cougar

    I have nothing constructive to add, but.

    Please don’t blame yourself. It’s very easy to go down that road and a) it’s bogus and b) nothing good will come of it. Did you have good times together? Then you did your bit.

    Friend of mine took his own life out of the blue when I was at university. I have a lot of emotions wrapped up in that. A big one is anger; stupid bastard could have talked to any one of us. Could I have done things differently, perhaps. Is it my fault, absolutely not.

    Sorry for your loss. It’s a cliche but a truism that time is a healer. The next few days are going to be hell in a handcart, but it will get better. Keep your chin up (and heels down). For what little it’s worth, my thoughts are with you. Shitty thing to happen.


    Where about s in the world are you RM. I’m sure there’s someone on here that would a call in for a coffee or meet you somewhere?
    And as everyone has said, you absolutely must talk to someone about it. I’ve been in exactly your situation sadly, and its a terrible thing to go through. Quite honestly you really mustn’t think too much about the CPR. The 999 operator was urging me to try it even though rigor mortis had begun to set in and his pupils were fixed and dilated, but they work from a standard set of scripts, and are not to know that.
    It is so sad, but you will survive this. It certainly helped me to talk to people. My little brother was in fact a massive help, as he’s a police officer and is involved in this sort of thing quite regularly, and a lot of what he discussed with me helped make sense of quite a few things.
    Despite what you will no doubt tell yourself over the next few days there is almost certainly NOTHING that you could have done differently that would have made any difference in the end, either before or during the event.
    I recall oscillating between profound sadness that my friend, who was also my father in law, felt so awful that this seemed the only way forward, through to anger towards him for what he had done, and the mess he had left (emotionally) with all the people that were going to miss him so terribly.
    I too recall the emptiness in the hours after. Get out. Talk to someone. Anyone.


    Awful thing to experience for you.

    Look up your local Cruse bereavement service, they can really help you when you feel ready.


    Mate so sorry to hear this, its utterly shit, we buried a friends son the other day, same thing.

    Good that you have some people around you to help and talk to. Grieving is a very private process and being the person to find him must be traumatic. There are professionals out there that can help and your work and friends can help you too.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out, even on here there are great professional people and great advice. Look after yourself as best you can and listen to people. Good luck with this and you know everyone here is 100% with you and any help we can give just ask.

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