I'm really not alright
Yesterday I woke up at 6:15am to race.
I came out of my room half awake and found my best mate hanging from the stair bannister.
I froze. Then I tried to hold him up, support his weight, realising that was stupid, I ran to the kitchen and got a knife, and cut him down. Dialled 999.
Shouting at the operator.
Probably the shittest CPR I’ll ever do in my life, I hope. All the first aid training out the window.
Paramedics. About to leave with them for the hospital, ran upstairs to check his room for anything that might be helpful – empty pill boxes, empty vodka bottle, whatever. Didn’t find much, except for a note.
The police stopped me going with him. A little while later they told me he’d died. They let me read the note before taking it away for evidence. I really hope they give it back for his family.
Lots of police. Then they left. Sitting around, felt like we were waiting for something. Not sure what.
Trying to keep busy. It works, a little. Being alone isn’t great. Don’t like leaving my room, don’t like looking at the stairs. Can’t get the image of him out of my head. God I miss him. I’m alone in the house right now, I guess this is why I’m writing this, to keep my mind busy.
We knew he was depressed – he’s suffered with it for a long time. But he’s so young, and he’s seemed fine recently.
I’m **** angry. I’m blaming myself, in anyway I can. I know it’s stupid. People keep asking me if I’m alright.
For your sake, if you know someone who is depressed, someone that you love. Tell them. Tell them all the time.
Everyone is being really supportive. I don’t want support. I want my friend back.Posted 4 years agoyunkiMember
That’s terrible to hear George..
I doubt there’s much anyone can say to take away the pain right now, but please try not to be too hard on yourself..
I’ve got a fair bit of experience of this sort of thing, and I’m a firm believer that there is something deeper bubbling underneath the surface of any suicide victim..
always here if you need a talk man..Posted 4 years agosweaman2Subscriber
Not nice. Many condolences. Not much more I can say really. To be honest if I was you I’d find a friends house to sleep at or book into a hotel for a couple of nights – Being alone in the house I think anyone would be the same as you and just be staring at the door etc, etc.Posted 4 years agoaracerSubscriber
Not a lot to say which could help you at all. Just remember that you will get over it and feel better – probably not all that soon, but at some point. Not that you’re likely to ever forget, but the pain will dull. I’d really recommend finding some friends to be with – or maybe even to crash with – I’m sure in your circumstances you’ll find you have some good ones, maybe even ones you didn’t realise you had. Probably the last thing you want to do, but make some phone calls NOW – I can’t believe anybody who’s a real friend would object to getting a call from you at the moment.
Having suffered from depression for quite a while, I can kind of see it from your friend’s point of view – unfortunately it gets to the point where it’s not so much that you’re not thinking rationally, but that you believe you are thinking rationally when you’re not.Posted 4 years agoalthepalSubscriber
Its a horrible thing- Deal with this at work and a good mate did the same last year.Posted 4 years ago
Can only imagine how bad things seem in their heads that that that’s the only solution they can see.
But you’ll never fully understand it, you just have to try not to feel guilty about it, remember the good times and try to move on.
It ain’t easy and its ok to be angry at him. Speak to someone about it, rant or blab about it on here. It’ll help a bit, maybe.
Horrible situation for you but you did your best and that’s all anyone can do.
Shit!…..i have no idea what to say to make you feel any better, christ….to be honest mate nothing i say can make you feel better to be honest but for gods sake don’t feel it was up to you to forsee it or consider you should have done something to prevent it- you couldn’t have done anything! – allright?.
I was in a similar position many years ago with a friend who suffered from schizophrenia, i tortured myself for years afterwards to no avail., i was out on a cycle run from castle douglas to my home town kirkcudbright, halfway home on the A75 i come across many blue flashing lights and there’s a local fireman i recognise flagging me down, i stop and he eventually gets it across to me that one of my friends is up a tree with a rope round his neck and he’s hearing voices telling him to jump. I ran across the field to the copse of trees and try to reason with him but he barely recognises me as he’s in full flight schizo mode shouting at everything and nothing, he looks at me and mouths ‘Im sorry” then jumps and hangs there jerking and convulsing till the fireman can get him down, by this point the blood supply to his brain had been cut off and the damage to throat and spine was extensive, he survived, just……i dunno if it was a blessing that he survived though as he is now severely brain damaged and needs help on a daily basis, he has no function to swallow and needs fed through a tube to his stomach – there’s not been a single day that goes by that i do not suddenly come to a complete stop in whatever i’m doing at the time, or wherever i am as i so vividly remember him looking at me, mouthing the words “i’m sorry” and jumping, when it hits me i get so **** angry that i’m best left well alone otherwise…………….i just feel just so **** useless for not seeing the problem or considering i may have been able to help him somehow, i knew he had schizophrenia but i thought it was semi-controlled.
I’d like to say you’ll get over it but you never will – sorry, it is something you will carry with you for the rest of your life but please consider it is how you carry it that will define you from this moment on. I’m not much help i’m afraid but it has made me a more accepting person with regard to mental health issues, which can only be a good thing, and we still have a laugh every now and then as i know he still recognises me, his eyes give it away.Posted 4 years agocrikeyMember
As above, it’s not your fault.
Take time to be upset, but don’t be angry.
Take time to remember him as your friend, and make time to talk to his relatives about what he meant to you.
It’s OK to feel messed up for a while; it’s the price we all pay when people we like aren’t there anymore.Posted 4 years agoRealManMember
I spent last night at my girlfriend’s, and I’ve talked to the uni already, I’m seeing someone tomorrow. They’ve also provided me with some accommodation so I don’t have to stay here. I’m only here at the moment to put some stuff together. I don’t mind being here too much, just don’t want to sleep here right now.
somafunk… Thank you.Posted 4 years agofreeagentMember
Don’t know what else to say that hasn’t already been said – keep talking to people, and keep posting on here… I think this place was a bit of comfort to the chap who lost his little baby a few weeks back.
It’ll take time, you need to work through it (5 stages of grief etc) don’t expect to be fine next week, but as long as you can keep talking, and focus on some positives you’ll get through it, and put it in its place.Posted 4 years agotakisawa2Subscriber
Oh man. Don’t know what to say. Your mate was in a dark place & hopefully the poor chaps now found some peace. You will too, eventually. Probably never fully understand it. You’ll probably understand enough to cope enough to accept it. Sorry for the loss of your mate Real Man.Posted 4 years agomatther01Member
A friend of ours did the same a few years back. His wife said goodbye and popped to the shops and came back to him hanging in the loft.
No note, no signs of depression or money worries.
I really feel for you buddy. Try to be around friends as much as possible and just remember that someone who is really determined to kill themselves will eventually, and there really is nothing that you could have done than you already did.
Like others have said on here, make sure you keep posting if you feel you get comfort and support from the STW crowd.
All the bestPosted 4 years agoCougarSubscriber
I have nothing constructive to add, but.
Please don’t blame yourself. It’s very easy to go down that road and a) it’s bogus and b) nothing good will come of it. Did you have good times together? Then you did your bit.
Friend of mine took his own life out of the blue when I was at university. I have a lot of emotions wrapped up in that. A big one is anger; stupid bastard could have talked to any one of us. Could I have done things differently, perhaps. Is it my fault, absolutely not.
Sorry for your loss. It’s a cliche but a truism that time is a healer. The next few days are going to be hell in a handcart, but it will get better. Keep your chin up (and heels down). For what little it’s worth, my thoughts are with you. Shitty thing to happen.Posted 4 years agoDrillskiMember
Where about s in the world are you RM. I’m sure there’s someone on here that would a call in for a coffee or meet you somewhere?Posted 4 years ago
And as everyone has said, you absolutely must talk to someone about it. I’ve been in exactly your situation sadly, and its a terrible thing to go through. Quite honestly you really mustn’t think too much about the CPR. The 999 operator was urging me to try it even though rigor mortis had begun to set in and his pupils were fixed and dilated, but they work from a standard set of scripts, and are not to know that.
It is so sad, but you will survive this. It certainly helped me to talk to people. My little brother was in fact a massive help, as he’s a police officer and is involved in this sort of thing quite regularly, and a lot of what he discussed with me helped make sense of quite a few things.
Despite what you will no doubt tell yourself over the next few days there is almost certainly NOTHING that you could have done differently that would have made any difference in the end, either before or during the event.
I recall oscillating between profound sadness that my friend, who was also my father in law, felt so awful that this seemed the only way forward, through to anger towards him for what he had done, and the mess he had left (emotionally) with all the people that were going to miss him so terribly.
I too recall the emptiness in the hours after. Get out. Talk to someone. Anyone.pingu66Member
Mate so sorry to hear this, its utterly shit, we buried a friends son the other day, same thing.
Good that you have some people around you to help and talk to. Grieving is a very private process and being the person to find him must be traumatic. There are professionals out there that can help and your work and friends can help you too.
Don’t be afraid to reach out, even on here there are great professional people and great advice. Look after yourself as best you can and listen to people. Good luck with this and you know everyone here is 100% with you and any help we can give just ask.Posted 4 years ago
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