I'm going to get caught out sooner or later.

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  • I'm going to get caught out sooner or later.
  • My GF and I cooked some lentils soup back in the day, both of us being vegetarian. It was a proper soup, none of this runny stuff, thick and filling instead.
    In the evening it all began. Luckily as it was a middle of the Summer 1997 and we had a whole semi to ourselves we opened windows and switched cooling fans on. To no avail, the stench was such it befriended us for a couple of days. Her younger sister couldn’t believe the smell, she kept looking for a dead rat stuck behind furniture.

    dangriff
    Member

    When I was 17, I was in the Air Cadets and got asked to assist with the Queen’s Birthday Honours presentations (Cardiff Castle). My one and only important job was to stand in a room with her and two of her aides minutes before the start of the Welsh BBC news and give her the nod at the exact second to leave, walk through a porch and down the steps which was being filmed live on tv.

    I was dying for a fart and let it out gently in approximately 7-8 tiny peeps. It was absolutely violent and immediately overpowering and I noticed one aide looking a the other accusingly, the other looked back in a similar manner and I stood sheepishly in the corner checking my watch. It was obvious when HRH smelt it, as without saying a word, she promptly left the room and stood in the porch.

    Legends! The lot of you! I now have to go back to treating patients and somehow stop laughing…… 😆

    My wife bottom burps in her sleep, hilarious!

    I tell her and she tells me im lying, I even recorded it once and she still didn’t believe me!

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Subscriber

    Fair play – farting infront of the Queen, that is an achievement to be proud of. Not just farting in front of her but making her leave the room! Not many people have ever made the Queen do something.

    willard
    Member

    I once let rip a fart in bed that was so vile, so disgusting, and so corrosive, it made my ex-wife retch. Even i thought it was a bit fruity, but by that time I was laughing so hard that I didn’t care.

    I had to go and shake the duvet outside to clear the smell by the time she got back from hugging the toilet.

    That was not the reason we got divorced…

    Pure gentlemanly class from CFH :p

    Premier Icon Stoner
    Subscriber

    Great letter in the Grauniad last week:

    • When being presented to Elizabeth I, the nervous Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, was unable to prevent a loud fart (Letters, 11 February). Mortified, he did not attend court for seven years. When he summoned up the courage he presented himself to the queen, who said: “We have forgot the fart, my Lord.”

    ShoePolice
    Member

    Ahaaaa, splendid. I love the Oasis story, Orangista. Think I’ll teach my nephew that one next time I’m down.

    Reminds me of my sister and her friends when we were young; they’d fart into camera film tubs and snap them shut quickly, before releasing it smelling-salt style under the other’s nose. This continued when the friend moved away to Jersey; camera tubs were posted to and fro and obviously had to be smelt just to see if the waft survived the journey. Happy happy days. May farting NEVER lose its humour.

    Oh and crop-dusting. Pure genius. The executive office is getting dusted next week…

    This continued when the friend moved away to Jersey; camera tubs were posted to and fro and obviously had to be smelt just to see if the waft survived the journey. Happy happy days.

    😆 Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

    May farting NEVER lose its humour.

    Amen.

    Why aren’t there any ladies posting on this thread? 😕

    ShoePolice
    Member

    Because they pretend they’re too mature for it.

    Like my missus gets in a rage when I’m dropping air mud. But it always turns to laughter when I make them noisy for her. As a warning, y’know, so its not unexpected.

    stayhigh wrote:

    was greeted by the biggest bog monster I have ever seen.

    When I was in the army, I entered trap three in the barracks one afternoon to be confronted by something that genuinely did resemble King Kong’s finger. It was so large that it hadn’t made it to the water, but was wedged defiantly across the neck of the pan. It was a curious mix of disgust and wonderment that passed through my mind. You could have charged people to look at it in a sideshow.

    My favourite fart story though, was during a shopping trip with my gran when I was a young lad. Halfway through traipsing round the supermarket, I felt the inevitable brewing. I thought I should mind my manners and it would be polite to put some distance between myself and my gran. So I wandered off, when I thought the coast was clear I parted with a particularly foul serving of bumgas and made myself scarce. Unfortunately, I was young and inexperienced, so had done this in the chilled foods aisle, where the lack of circulating air effectively lays a deadly trap. I’m not sure who was more surprised, but I still crack myself up laughing when I think back to the “WTF!!” look on her face as she wandered past the dairy products.

    As a courier, I often had to use the facilities of various places I delivered to. On smart office in the City, I went in only to be confronted by something the size of a baguette. The tip extended above the top of the pan. I couldn’t believe it’s origin was Human. I tried flushing it, but alarmingly, it had completely blocked the outlet, causing the water to overflow onto the floor, with bits of faecal matter splashing everywhere. I had to run away, and exclaimed loudly that ‘some animal has done something disgusting in there, they need medical help’, so that I wouldn’t get the blame. The secretary went in to investigate, and ran out screaming. I made my exit a this point, but later learned the office had had to be evacuated until sanitation engineers had been in to make the place safe. Lordy. To this day I can’t believe such an scatological abomination could emanate from a Human Being. 😯

    Premier Icon jimmy
    Subscriber

    King Kong’s finger

    just…. brilliant

    Creg
    Member

    I havn’t laughed so much in ages! Some of the stories in this thread are simply epic.

    One night in a club with my mate right in the middle of the dancefloor I let go with a proper shredder then legged it. I looked back to see a large empty space surrounding my mate in the middle of the dancefloor. Did the same thing in a busy bar a few weeks later, left my mate at the bar with one of my own savage rippers only to have him come over and simply say “you ****”.

    Public transport is my personal favorite. Getting up from a seat on the bus, in winter when the heating is on, and letting a long one go as you walk down the aisle and get off.

    Recall parking a ‘showstopper’ in my parents bog. Gave up after 3 flushes and went in search of a disposable plastic spoon or something similar to chop the behemoth up into manageable chunks.

    Cue my father confronting me in the hall. He had heard the multiple flushes and came to help his lad.

    He was bearing (and I still can’t believe this) a plastic spoon.

    ‘Think you’ll be needing this!’

    duntmatter
    Member

    Is this the next picolax thread? Genius!

    Premier Icon transporter13
    Subscriber

    this is the funniest thread i’ve read since picolax

    its just taken me the best part of half an hour to read, due to much eye wiping (oo’er) and numerous attempts to calm one’s self.

    thankyou 😀

    Kevevs
    Member

    this is like b3ta question of the week. may as well add my own.

    Student union bar in Hull circa 1994-5. gathered around a table, with mates, sussing out the girls coming in. all buzzing, beers in, place filling up, everyone checking each other out. Thinking I’m gonna get lucky. Bar got really packed.

    I’d got into batchelors Beanfeasts… say no more. A real, rancid, expuslsion of fermenting beany mincey gutrot came out.

    a very large space formed around our table, and behind me, there was no getting away from it. No way I could deny it. people spread away from me and forgot their nicey nicey student personas and just looked at me like filth. I just smiled and carried on….

    I think we still had a good night, but it sticks in my mind. and probably those guys out there still remember it!

    caledonia
    Member

    This is the best laff I’ve had in ages. Truly brilliant stuff.
    Since I’m in another timezone, and am waiting for the uK to wake up… any chance of a linky to the Picolax thread ?

    I’ve searched but can’t find it !
    (never got on with that search function anyways ! )

    Edit:
    Never mind…. thank you google !

    The Picolax Thread Returns

    Premier Icon jimmy
    Subscriber

    Has anyone ever tried sulphur tablets? Haven’t found them in shops for ages unfortunately, but if you want to reek revenge on someone for farting, find some. One is all it takes.

    And the story behind them – my mum used to take them with her cousins and brother and all jump in a tent. There followed a competition to see who could stay in the longest! Thats my mum that is! *is proud*

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