If you could go back in time what would you tell your 10 year old self?

When Michelle H suggests you have al fresco sex at the edge of the lake aged 16. DO IT!

When Neil tells you he rode down ‘the’ embankment, he is probably telling you a fib.  I mean, I’m not saying don’t ride down it, it is pretty impressive and it will earn you pretty good cool points in the playground, I’m just saying maybe don’t be so gullible next time.

Also, don’t tell mum, OK?

Don’t stress. Everyone is winging it.

Actually talk to the girl you spent three years mooning over, she’s probably as nervous about boys as you are about girls.

Failing that, take up the offer of getting your fingers wet from the girl on the next desk over in French class.

Invest everything you have in a nondescript company called Apple

Don’t date the blonde girl in the building society

1. Go travelling anyway, whenever the opportunity arrives.
2. Buy as many Apple and Tesla shares as you can.
3. Avoid girlfriend No.2.
4. Don’t follow Ben Ainslie, take the later tack as you planned.

You’ll still be wearing shorts  and cycling when you’re middle aged.

Genuinely… Forget Louise, she’ll screw you. And not in a nice way.

Get your “oddness” looked at / diagnosed.

Absolutely nothing, he was doing fine working things out for himself and a misplaced word might screw that up. See Run Lola Run.

Looking back on life I can see major turning points in my life that hung on a thread:

looking so scruffy (peroxide wild hair) on a bus that as it filled the only vacant seat left was the one next to me, my now wife got on and sat in that only vacant seat.

Chatting to an old man sweeping up a courtyard who turned out to be the owner of the whole property complex and rented me business premises for ten years.

Dunno about 10 year old me, but I could usefully tell 30 year old me not to ever assume your partner has your best interests at heart. Bleak but would have served me well twice over the past decade.

Never go to the dentists stoned.

You will escape your parents.

Here are the lottery numbers for Saturday 27th April 2024. Never mind what the lottery is. Just remember these six numbers and buy a ticket for the National Lottery in that week. Make old you happy! Here, let me tattoo them on you so you don’t forget. Don’t worry you’ll be able to afford having them lasered off in about 37 years.

Get a rich wife and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

It absolutely won’t make you go blind

Wear sunscreen

1. Walk your own path after you are 21 year old, regardless.

2. That pigs will eat everything including bones, clean. (a friend has a pig farm)

3. The bloke who came to our house to cry wanting to marry my sister, but everyone said he was a no good – make him disappear using advice 2 above.  Well, sister has regretted for many years and her problems had caused entire family breakdown.  (This bloke has two mistresses, addicted to prostitution, gave my sister STD and I had to bail my sister out financially – a lot)

4. Solve all problems with advice 2 above if someone persistently tries to destroy (family) peace.

So basically you’re telling ten year old you to become a serial killer?

So basically you’re telling ten year old you to become a serial killer?

Better that than suffer at the hands of others for almost your entire life.

The decision belongs to the 10 year old as s/he grows up, see advice 1.

“Ask your Mum and Dad to spend more time with you, and not in the pub.”

Don’t ride your bike off the garage roof ( aged 10), the girl next door was lying. It will hurt and she won’t be your best friend or let you have a go on her swing. I was not the smartest 10 year old 🙄. Not much has changed to be fair.

In 10 years time, when you are in that pub on a Saturday night and you are offered your one and only threesome (dont worry, you will know what it means by then), do not say “no, because its too far to walk home and I will miss match of the day” 🙁

Similarly, on the last night of the geology field trip in Spain, have a couple fewer drinks and don’t pass out on the beach when fit Claire and Gwen (who was also fit) invite you to go for a “swim”. You utter prat.

Depends. How good was hole in the heart surgery in 1980?

Or, girls are people too, including the pretty ones.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Don’t smoke. Everything else will work out ok.

Oh, and the earlier advice about nobody asking to see your qualifications is incorrect.

Also:

Match of the Day > threesome.

Learn to wheelie

Don’t smoke

Buy one of the flats opposite your school! Maybe two…

Don’t set fire to houses with people inside.

If you do, lock the doors so they stay inside and can’t ID you later.

Actually study at school.

Move to Spain

Match of the Day > threesome.

Match of the Day lasts ages … there’s time for both.

Carry on learning computer programming, instead of floating through space for hours on end playing Elite.

Get a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

So many people have trotted that out that I’m not sure going back and telling yourself that would be in any way useful.

It would however be helpful, and save a lot of time, if you could shortcut the whole thing and tell yourself what job that might be.

In 13 years time that gorgeous french girl you meet on ski trip that you think is out of your league…..she isn’t, and she’ll be as disappointed you turned her down as you will still be 30 years later.

These are the best years of your life.. It’s all downhill from here, kid!!

Literally everyone told me that when I was around 10. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them.

What is it with all the people here who would use their one shot at telling their 10 year old self something useful, and instead go for something they could get out of a cereal box?!

If you do support Tottenham you’ll be in for a lifetime of disappointment. Buy shares, lottery, etc.

Stick with the skinhead look, that’s gonna come in handy in a few years.

Assuming my 10yo self would listen – Ignore your dad he’s a narcissistic ****, help your mum out more around the house & talk to your grandad about his life experiences, he’s the wise one.

Failing that, take up the offer of getting your fingers wet from the girl on the next desk over in French class.

Done something similar, albeit in geography…. And I wasn’t 10. Not sure this is the best advice for a teen year old…. 😂

Get a european passport before brexit.