I was probed this evening.

I’ve had a latex finger up my gary and a young attractive female doctor have her hands all other my nether regions… In neither case did I feel any erotic sensation. All ardour vanishes in a professional situation.

i had a similar experience with an American female, although she wasn’t a doctor, nor was she a professional (more an enthusiatsic amatuer) and the sensation was…errrm… positive. 🙂 was a few years ago now….

i sometimes get bloody bum syndrome after heavy night on the booze. even worse if drinking a stout or dark beer. morning poos are a mixture of relief and anxiety.

went to a wedding last year. was right off my tits on a concoction of self prescribed medication (it was a deeply religious event, needed something to take my mind off proceedings). i went off to the sauna/wellness area to roll one and take a shit. was horrified to see that i was shitting blood. in my sorry state i tried to mop up the mess. took my trousers off and wash my arse (was a posh hotel with individual toilets with a sink). once i was cleaned up i left the toilet and found that i couldn’t get out of the wellness area and ended up jumping out of a first floor window. bit random, but loosely connected, i guess.

You went to A&E with an arse grape and you’re moaning you had to wait a few hours?! What do you expect them to do? Say to Mr Smith who came in after you with crushing chest pains “sorry, can’t see you just yet, we have to finger this blokes arse first”

Alpin, if you’re ever in the Burnley area, we really must go for a pint.

I had an outie chalfont recently. Discovered when I’d dropped the mole in his bath and saw he was accompanied by an eggcup of blood. I thought the worst as I do but discovered I’d popped my cherry as it were. A few smears of germaloids killed it.

I think there’s a statistic that says 50% of men will have a haemorrhoid in their lifetime? You can get Anusol suppositories which work quite well. Good luck.

Talk about ‘milking’ the situation…

Get your doctor to send you to a specialist who will then decide whether it needs banding. A special instrument puts an “elastic band” around the pile, this stops the blood getting to it and within a couple of weeks it will drop off, the pile that is!
Uncomfortable at the time but seems to work.

Tom_W1987
You haven’t been probed until they’ve stuck a camera up there.

It’s quite something seeing your insides up on the big screen. Luckily mine were pink and fresh.

Ok Rusty, should I bring a glove along?

Equally so, if you’re ever in Munich…..

No one mentioned the Picolax Thread yet?

Shame!

Pile cream is great for your wrinkles. Whack it on your face and you’ll look 18 again.

Picolax. Once taken ,never forgotten!

Had a pain in the stones and went to the doc, to find that he was on holiday, and the locum was a very attractive young female. She gave me a thorough examination. Probably the most stimulating sexual experience of my life.

Just to burst your collective bubble, I can tell you that the young female doctors don’t enjoy the experience as much as you all seem to…

PS. A and E for a haemorrhoid?! There’s a reason you had to wait – everyone else was there for an accident or an emergency!

PS. A and E for a haemorrhoid?! There’s a reason you had to wait – everyone else was there for an accident or an emergency!

Yes but it has to be put into context. Chewkw was forced to walk like a crab while expecting the imminent arrival of a lady guest. Sounds like an emergency to me. Although by all accounts the three plus hour wait to have his arse sorted out screwed up his plans for the evening anyway. There are no winners in this tragic tale.

Probably looked like a little zombie maggot hanging there.

legolam – Member
Just to burst your collective bubble, I can tell you that the young female doctors don’t enjoy the experience as much as you all seem to…

Who cares?

Welcome to club roider old chap.

Did mine about 25 years ago. I belive you can have surgery if you have a bunch of hanging grapes…..just whip em off.
You get used to it.

Did mine rock climbing.
Got so far up a cliff face and got stuck, the only foot hold to progress was occupied by one of my hands.
I managed to get my left foot up to my left hand. My left hand was around head height.
In one swift bounce and pull up and swing leg up and place foot where left hand was and then follow through with a left leg push up, i scaled the tricky cliff face.

I also ripped myself a new one, as i am not really ment to be that bendy/limber, had trouble walking for a few weeks…..followed by 25 years of on-off discomfort.

I went to the GP, i got checked out. A junior doctor was sitting in, my GP asked if he could examine as well…..the debate between them on how my internals felt like pebble dashing was surreal to say the least.

Once you get them, you have them, unless you get them real bad and have them chopped off, and hope you don’t get them again.

The brightside to this is no one can ever call you a “perfect asshole” anymore. People without piles/roids fall into the “perfect” group 🙂

now imagine using that shark fin saddle on the front page some time ago

hmm doesn’t active ingredient of pile cream come from shark’s skin? Might help. Off to do some googling. Cream is supposed to shrink piles, makes the skin tighten, hence why some women use it on wrinkles. Or maybe just an Ass/face identification error.

<edit> ah, prep H contains shark liver oil, misremembered but not a million miles off.

Nothing about Sharks on the Anusol packet 🙂

Active ingredients, Bismuth subgallate/zinc oxide/Balsam peru/Bismuth oxide.

Imagine jaws whipping your external rhoids off…..nasty

Maybe it will make me “fast as a shark” (Accept 80’s metal)
Maybe it will help me “jump the shark” like the Fonz

i have to plan when to go to the loo,then have a bath afterwards,push them back up and apply some cream.

sometimes the fun is when you start bleeding and think you’re going to bleed to death on the khasi

wish there was a tablet that would cure them

yep, all this. It’s a right pain.

…. in the arse.

incidently… my old man, stubborn when it comes to his health and unnecessary visits to the doctors, got a fright one moring when he looked in the bowl and it was blood red. on his own initiative he phoned the docs and made an appointment for that day.

had samples taken and went home and told my mum. she then reminded him that it might have been the beetroots off the allotment…

Update:

I bought two tubes of Anusol this afternoon after a night of pain. Had to sleep side ways otherwise pressure from bottom chicks would make it worst. Got up this morning then hurriedly went to Boots to get some Anusol because I was told to get that. Was also thinking of getting Germoloids Cream but I will probably try that later.

Anyway, the grape/peanut is still there covered in Anusol. Still is very uncomfortable as with crab like walking. Will try to get an appointment tomorrow to see GP for advice but I hope banding will work if needed. In the mean time I just hope Anusol works to avoid having to take other drastic measures.

As for A&E why on earth was I sent there by the GP nurse in the first instant if A&E is not meant to deal with lesser problem of “grapes/peanuts”. I did ask why A&E but as I was told to go there I just obliged. After all I was in pain. Aren’t A&E meant for the extreme life threatening cases? Well, when I was there I managed to notice that majority were not life threatening but obviously in pain, so should they just tolerate with the pain and see their GP instead? Or should A&E simply tell people to go away since none of them are life threatening situation? Hence, my notion of NHS is broken. Mine is not life threatening but A&E could simply tell me to go away in 5 mins after examining me rather than having to pussy foot around letting me wait for an hour (3 hour waiting, 5 mins examining and waiting for an hour to be discharged or told that nothing could be done). I rather they save lives than wasting my time and theirs. Just tell me to go away will suffice.

As for bleeding I am not that bothered as I bled massively from back passage when I was a kid caused by internal injury. The blood was pouring out like pressurise hose and I am not making things up. My mother said the blood was like blood pumping out when the chicken neck was cut. The blood coming out was clotted black blood (blood stored in the stomach for a period of time) then follow by clear clean red colour blood. I remember as a kid due to blood lost I fainted on two occasions with my mother having to carry me on her back after visiting the doctor. This was in North Borneo where medical help was really not that advance at all. After years of traditional Chinese medication the internal injury was healed. It was come and go situation on one occasion due to too much blood lost. Was sleeping the entire day with my mother and grandmother at my bed side worrying.

Back to grape/peanut … less pain now after applying Anusol but still painful if I do not sit properly. 😡

bottom chicks

😯 😕 😆 😮 😛 😯

Sorry but ,What is PILE?

Just to burst your collective bubble, I can tell you that the young female doctors don’t enjoy the experience as much as you all seem to…

That could probably said of most of my sexual encounters, TBH 🙂

This whole thread has reminded me of the time I told a hypothetical young chap in A+E that I’d have to examine his back passage, turned my back, and when I turned around he was butt naked and stood bent over the A+E trolley with his backside in the air. Not quite sure what kind of “informative videos” he’d been watching, but it definitely wasn’t the method of examination taught to me in medical school…

As for A&E why on earth was I sent there by the GP nurse in the first instant if A&E is not meant to deal with lesser problem of “grapes/peanuts”.

Fair point. If I was the A+E SHO, I’d be a little miffed with the GP nurse. Not your fault if that’s what you were told to do.

NHS … hmmm … the majority of the system is rotten to the core.

Normally I do not criticise doctors or medical health sector but I think the whole system is creating / producing a new kind of job worth culture. By holding the society to ransom by constantly advocating the importance of the live saving skills they have. To a point (life saving skills), yes, but after that the self importance of non-professionalism creeps in and that is the time zombie maggot attitude surfaces.

Basically, the people working in this sector is no different to any other bureaucratic institutions i.e. full of zombie maggots. Also please don’t go around saying how good the system is by comparison to other 3rd world system. In term of bureaucratic prowess they are on level par to be frank. Life saving skills yes advance but the bureaucrats mentality will soon hold people to ransom.

Put it this way I can only go to my GP and I do not have a freedom to visit other doctor under NHS. Where is the private doctors? I mean I don’t mind paying a bit (yes, the doctor will hold me ransom here too by charging the amount they wish) but I rather take that chance. Yes, yes, you got Harley Street etc but where are the private doctors in Geordieland?

I don’t care if healthcare is free etc just give me another paying option so I can sort myself out. Which in a way does not burden on anyone apart from my own hard earned money. (don’t you go telling me that in the end they will send a person to NHS for treatment hence “jumping” the queue or private is nonsense – I am talking about minor problems here not your life threatening stuff).

Rang up my GP just now to make an appointment only to be told that the next available appointment is on 29 April, and if I want to see a doctor urgently then I should try to call at 8am in the morning to see if there was free slot available.

I see no wonder I was sent to A&E to deal with my “grape / peanut” after all I am not a regular.

If I see any of those job worth striking in future my suggestion is to put them to hard labour. 😡

http://bit.ly/1fe6J1Q

iolo – Member

http://bit.ly/1fe6J1Q

Found one near to me but not much going on around this are …

Told you there is very little option.

I’ve heard of ‘roid rage but always thought it was drug related.

http://www.nuffieldhealth.com/hospitals/newcastle/pricing

£385 for haemorrhoid treatment at the Nuffield in Newcastle

legolam – Member

http://www.nuffieldhealth.com/hospitals/newcastle/pricing

£385 for haemorrhoid treatment at the Nuffield in Newcastle

Great find that.
Thanks for finding that information for me.

Price look reasonable to me if they can get the job done once and for all. Put it this way in other part of the that would be the price charged after I made some enquiries with my parents abroad.

Well, if they can deal with my problem it will be brilliant. At that price I will pay.

I can also assure everyone that the mother of all pain is not roid/grapes/peanuts but actually toothache for man.

They should be more private clinics/hospital/GP around for those who are willing to pay. More competitions mean more price reduction but that does not mean backstreet practices. In the other part of the world the word of mouth means private practices survive or go kaput on their own goodwill and reputation.

🙂

They should be more private clinics/hospital/GP around for those who are willing to pay.

The NHS consultants’ contract makes it very difficult for doctors to do private practice. Basically, any “free time” a consultant has (and it has to be consultants, junior docs like me aren’t allowed to set up private practices) has to be offered to the NHS first. For example, if a consultant works 10 half days for the NHS and fancies doing 4 hours private work in an evening once a week, he has to offer to work that in his own hospital first before he is allowed to set up privately. Of course, many consultants are already contracted to work many more hours than that for the NHS (my bosses are contracted to work in the region of 12-14 half day equivalents), so it doesn’t leave much time to do private work in their “spare time”.

Plus, doing private work massively increases our insurance premiums, to the point that some doctors end up spending more to do private work than they earn whilst doing it. There’s not a lot of demand for private healthcare in the north east, so many consultants feel it’s not worth the effort.

I can only wonder what people won’t announce publicly on this forum.