I was probed this evening.

Yes, I was probed this evening by a young female A&E doctor 😯

It all started on Friday night after a session of heavy cleaning my flat to welcome a guest (female). The same night I felt pain in my back passage and when I was showering I felt a peanut size protruding from my backside. It hurts like someone has kicked me in my nuts. Never had this sensation before and after that I walked like a crab which felt very uncomfortable so rang call 111 for advice. Got to see a nurse at my local GP and was told that it could be pile. 😯 As I was in pain I was sent to A&E. Waited for 4 hours only to be told nothing could be done apart from applying anusol ointment. hhmmm … pain was unbearable. Bloody protruding peanut.

While at A&E the young female doctor wanted to examine my back passage so I said ok (well young female wanting to look so why not …)

She took a couple of looks then reiterated to me that it was an external pile but would like to further examine it so I said ok … then she started to lubricate her finger with “jelly” 😯 and told me she was going to look inside 😮 . This followed by her sticking her finger up my back passage with some sensational feeling. Thought I caught her having a smug after she pulled her finger out … arrrghhh … I have been probed, violated and I feel dirty … but weird sensation though. Think I shall ask my future female friend to check me like this female junior doctor …

Anyway, to cut long story short … NHS A&E is broken. The system is in a mess. A young surgeon who was supposed to explain that they could not do anything to help me (generalisation to all A&E) but was pretending to be working outside near the reception was chatting up the nurses (I saw him after I was probed by female junior doctor while waiting for his advice). FFS! They cannot even look professional at all. Well I know my problem is not life threatening but I cannot sit properly today let alone having to walk like crab.

I feel sorry for those that are in serious pain while having to wait for at least 3 hours to be accessed.

I am willing to pay for my treatment but this option is not available in GeordieLand. GP appointment … yeah right … in 2 weeks time if I am lucky.

So now I have pile.

Anyone got one?

🙄

p/s: my female guest was not impressed either …

pp/s: I think the female doctor probed me three times in out in out …

Vote UKIP, get piles. 😀

No wonder Farage get’s so many standing ovations.

But you have also been finger-banged… it’s still a win.

You haven’t been probed until they’ve stuck a camera up there.

Chewkw earlier…

Rusty Spanner – Member

Vote UKIP, get piles.

Bloody UKIP gives me piles. 😆

teethgrinder – Member

But you have also been finger-banged… it’s still a win.

Yes, weird funny sensation by not bad looking female junior doctor. Not much of a win for me cos it was painful around the protruding “peanut” but once in it was cold sensation but not bad. 😯

Tom_W1987 – Member

You haven’t been probed until they’ve stuck a camera up there.

Done that. Got camera stuck into my throat to examine stomach ulcer … not good sensation.

Tom_W1987 – Member

Chewkw earlier…

Yeap. Watched that episode of Griffin being probed. 😆

She may have been female but that does not mean you aren’t gay now. We look forwards to you meeting the man of your dreams and all expect invites to the wedding.

having to wait for at least 3 hours to be accessed

I doubt that there’s many people wait to be accessed, I have a feeling that it was just you.

fasternotfatter – Member

She may have been female but that does not mean you aren’t gay now. We look forwards to you meeting the man of your dreams and all expect invites to the wedding.

D’oh! Bloody UKIP makes me gay now? 😆 Seriously I don’t mind being gay so long as the probing is done by a good looking female.

paulosoxo – Member

I doubt that there’s many people wait to be accessed, I have a feeling that it was just you.

Yes, I know I am low on priority list but then everyone was in pain but not life threatening so how come their pains take priority over mine? It is not as if they are all going to drop dead in that instant. 🙄

p/s: took them 4 hrs to say nothing can be done.

Piles then.

Yep, Had them for years. For the most part they don’t extrude. Sometimes get them when I have a big, hard poo but usually just pop back in again. Occasionally they come out and that’s not pleasant. Few days of blood in your knickers, painful bum, awkward walking experiences.

I’d say the worst thing about piles isn’t the pain or the itching but how if affects going for a poo. Got to be careful not to squeeze too hard, and there’s always the worry that a pile is holding your dooberry open and you get leakage.

Prostate/pile exams, meh. Common enough stuff if you have private health insurance. Knob exams, now they’re a bit uncomfortable. Big hairy arsed doctor holding your knob and having a good close look at your helmet.

samuri – Member

Piles then.

Prostate/pile exams, meh. Common enough stuff if you have private health insurance. Knob exams, now they’re a bit uncomfortable. Big hairy arsed doctor holding your knob and having a good close look at your helmet.

Yeap. Piles. Damn thing just appeared without warning. I blame STW for that too due to constantly sitting around “winning” forum arguments. 😆

Nope. Not getting private health insurance if they need to do constant examinations. No big hairy arsed doctor is going to insert his finger to enjoy his day at work. No can do. 😡

I am going to see my GP to see what he says and he is going to probe me isn’t he. D’oh!

heh! Prostrate exams, poo in a box, knob close ups, cholesterol inspections, interrogation about drinking and eating habits. All apart of the private heath care. So much is based on terribly outdated ideas about fat intake, fat content, BMI, calories etc etc.

I could rant a fair bit about this but I won’t.

Crikey Samuri … how much do they cost? Insurance wise.

I think I will get my cholesterol check after this. Knob is not a problem because I have not managed to pull for a very long time. Female guest rejected boom boom so no luck there besides I think she is not impressed with my crab like walking and the piles.

You think you’ve got problems

ernie_lynch – Member

You think you’ve got problems

Ouch! That got to hurt. Poor monkey.

FFS! No monkey piles pic please. 😯

now imagine using that shark fin saddle on the front page some time ago.

yes have suffered with them for years (thankfully not often painful though).

it’s partly why i don’t ride like i used to do (and add my depression).

have gone for up to 6-7 days before using the loo (in extreme cases).

i have to plan when to go to the loo,then have a bath afterwards,push them back up and apply some cream.

sometimes the fun is when you start bleeding and think you’re going to bleed to death on the khasi 😯 🙁

wish there was a tablet that would cure them 🙁

iamroughrider – Member

now imagine using that shark fin saddle on the front page some time ago.

All my saddles are Brooks so no pain I hope.

Actually, I if it raptures it will actually make it better because it looks like pressure build up in the vein. Seriously.

racefaceec90 – Member

yes have suffered with them for years (thankfully not often painful though).

wish there was a tablet that would cure them

Gosh it looks like it is rather normal blokes. 😯

I am sure the female doctor said something about “rubber band” or something related to “band” … Jesus that got to hurt like monkey arse. Surely, it is the build up of pressure so isn’t it common sense just to bleed it to release the pressure?

She told me to use anosol … I want it fixed not maintained! 🙄

Somebody give that man a wire brush and dettol

gordimhor – Member

Somebody give that man a wire brush and dettol

Why you … 😡

Here is a good remedy mate:
Get a box of matches, pull pants down,light a match and burn the peanut.
It will hurt,a lot…
But you only have to do this once.
Next time a peanut appears , you just pull your pants down, get a box of matches and shake the box of matches.
You will be surprised how quickly the peanut will pop back in 😀

sputnik – Member

Seriously how do you deal with it? I mean does the cream actually reduce the pile(s) back to normal?

What remedy do you guys use?

😯

p/s: this pile is affecting my pulling power if I walk like a crab.

You haven’t been probed until you’ve had a colonoscopy & biopsy (like I had earlier on this afternoon proceeded by a 12 hour night shift)

Amateur 🙂

stu1972 – Member

You haven’t been probed until you’ve had a colonoscopy & biopsy (like I had earlier on this afternoon proceeded by a 12 hour night shift)

Amateur

Got biopsy on my gum though which hurts but the light at end of the tunnel made it worth while.

Colonoscopy is that entering from the top or bottom? 😯

Up the wrong ‘un. Christ does it hurt!

stu1972 – Member

Up the wrong ‘un. Christ does it hurt!

Ah, I see. But so long as everything is fine I guess you just have to put it down to experience.

I am going to sort this out in whatever way I can otherwise it will cause no end to pain. Why so sudden I don’t know.

No wonder A&E is clogged up, a bum grape is not an emergency. Uncomfortable yes, but an Accident or an Emergency NO.

I’ve had a latex finger up my gary and a young attractive female doctor have her hands all other my nether regions… In neither case did I feel any erotic sensation. All ardour vanishes in a professional situation.

Well your alive

Op, did you get a little semi on?

A similar experience is what helped me choose this screen name 😉

It will get better in time. There are options but these are surgical and have been told by folk that have had them, it hurts a lot! It’s a last resort – google, talk to your gp, don’t suffer in silence 😉

A high fibre diet is essential and during an episode, lactulose is your friend (assuming you can take it). It will soften your poo which in combination with arse cream and suppositories will help manage them. Don’t sit on the toilet too long, don’t strain and eat a good diet.
Most folk will get anal grapes at some point, it’s nothing special 😉

Jeez never happened to me and I shall now live the rest of my life in fear.
That monkey’s arse ,is that piles? I just assumed monkeys had funny bums for no apparent reason.
Anyway top work, this is what the forum is for not endlessly debating Scottish independence.
Ps get well soon.

I had a bout a few years ago. Was humping sandbags around all day shoring up the river Ouse.
Not nice. I sypathise. Second hot baths and chosing toilet visits.
Have to say the bleeding is much more inconvenient that anything else.

Would you get treated quicker if you lived in an independent Scotland?

Gogg…play nicely!

Sounds like somebody scratched an itch here.

“I wonder what it’d be like to be finger blasted by a young female doctor…”

He’d have won if she’d “tromboned” him…

As we’re sharing medical advice about looking after ourselves after last nights shocking news…

If surgical solutions are suggested, you want to go for the banding rather than wait and wait and wait until the only solution is what the doc’s call an ‘open hemorrhoidectomy’. Despite being drugged up I still almost passed out from the pain the first time I sat on the loo afterwards. Weeks of constant bleeding. Since then, and this is two years later, I have to watch my diet carefully as the merest hint of constipation becomes a lengthy, painful, bloody nightmare.

(This has of course just been my experience. YMMV. And other solutions are becoming more widely available.)