Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 86 total)
  • I need an hilarious joke for tomorrow……
  • Amos
    Free Member

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Put it in a microwave until it ‘s Bill Withers

    garage-dweller
    Full Member

    I got pulled over for speeding on the way here.

    I was only doing about 85 and when the traffic cop asked me whether I thought it was safe I replied that it was a clear road with good visibility so was probably not the crime of the century.

    He then asked me what I’d have done if mister fog had come down.

    Patronising G1t I thought so I replied

    “I’d probably have used mister brake”

    His response – “Very funny sir what I actually said was what if mist or fog had come down”.

    IGMC

    I also know another traffic policeman one but it’s much ruder and is to do with stretching.

    For the avoidance of doubt I have nothing against traffic policemen (or women) they do a very good and valuable job (actually a few more round here wouldn’t go amiss) but they do make a good source of joke material.

    garage-dweller
    Full Member

    What’s brown and sounds like a bell

    Dung

    (from a Monty Python sketch I believe)

    Fresh Goods Friday 696: The Middling Edition

    Fresh Goods Friday 696: The Middlin...
    Latest Singletrack Videos
    bish
    Full Member

    Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
    Getting raped by a giant scorpion

    misterfrostie
    Free Member

    Bloke driving down the motorway and gets stopped under a bridge by a copper with a speed camera. Bloke gets out and copper starts to patronise him, telling him off like a schoolkid. Asks him what he does for a living. Bloke says I’m an arsehole stretcher. Copper asks what that is. Well, he says, I start off with some lube, working a couple of fingers round and round until I can get a hand in. I then get two hands in and work it back and forth, round and round until it gets bigger and looser. Everntually when all the muscles are relaxed the arsehole ends up about 6 foot in diameter. And just what do you do with a 6 foot arsehole asks the copper. Stick him under a birdge with a speed camera replies the bloke 😀

    misterfrostie
    Free Member

    My absolute favourite:

    Went to the doctors today:
    Doc: you’re going to have to stop masturbating.
    Me: Whys that ?
    Doc: Because I’m trying to examine you

    rossi46
    Free Member

    Four candles

    Handles for forks….

    Absolute Leg Ends

    TheChunk
    Free Member

    Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    The interrupting cow
    The inter..
    MOOOOOOOOOO!

    Works better in person.

    flyingmonkeycorps
    Full Member

    What’s the definition of endless love?
    Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

    What do you call a woman with a chimney on her head?
    Ruth.

    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
    Cliff.

    What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
    Doug.

    What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
    Captain boat hat.

    What did Hitler say to his men before they got in the tanks?
    Men. Get in the tanks.

    Two cows in a field. One says “here mate, are you worried about that mad cow disease thing?” The other replies “nah mate, doesn’t bother me”. “Why not?” asks the first cow. “Cos I’m a chicken” comes the reply.

    Two fish in a tank. One says to the other “how the hell do you drive this thing?”

    rossi46
    Free Member

    This random woman keeps having a go at me for my ‘obsession’ with biblical figures. What a weirdo. I don’t even Noah.

    Neil-F
    Free Member

    Whats the smelliest thing in the world?
    A kippers minge…..

    lucien
    Full Member

    Stevie Wonder, gets given a cheese grater for xmas.

    It was the most violent book he’s read

    rossi46
    Free Member

    I just found out my new neighbours are a man from the middle east and a woman from Essex. So either one of them could blow at any minute

    bencooper
    Free Member

    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two – but how do they get in there?

    steezysix
    Free Member

    How do you tell when Will Smith’s been walking in the snow?
    Fresh Prints…

    WackoAK
    Free Member

    Knock Knock
    Neutrino
    Who’s there?

    kevolution
    Free Member

    I farted in a lift today, which was wrong on so many levels….

    kevolution
    Free Member

    I got kicked out of the local pool today for wearing my speedo shorts.
    How was I to know the S had come off!

    ashfanman
    Free Member

    I hear Jeremy Beadle has a tiny penis. But on the other hand it’s huge.

    forgotmename
    Free Member

    My nan just invited me round for a roast, lets hope grandad can get it up this time.

    Dark-Side
    Full Member

    You: have you seen Stevie Wonder’s wife?

    Mechanic: No

    You: Neither has he

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    what’s red and sits in the corner

    a shy fire engine

    What goes “plink plink, fizz”?

    two babies in an acid bath

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    FFS chopchop that was on page 1, get yer own jokes 🙄

    deepreddave
    Free Member

    I laughed out loud a few times reading this thread until LeeW’s post. delete it Lee asap.

    coastkid
    Free Member

    How can you tell an Irish insurance man?
    He`s the one in the pin stripe donkey jacket

    chopchop
    Free Member

    Angry Tazzy 😆

    AT- <red face> My joke, MY joke, hes used my f’in joke…unbelieveable <red face>
    Mrs AT- STFU Taz

    OCB
    Free Member

    Heard the one about the dyslexic man who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?

    Q – What’s brown and sticky?
    A – A stick …

    Two parrots sat on a perch, and one turns to the other and says “Can you smell fish?”

    CharlieMungus
    Free Member

    Q – What’s brown and sticky?
    A – A stick
    R – Nope, my Beyonce poster

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    chopchop 😀

    hope you got a warning from the mods as well, hate to think it was just me

    tamreltom
    Free Member

    Why does Rupert The Bear wear checked trousers?

    Because he’s a cu……………………………….

    Punk_Drummer
    Free Member

    I phoned my local theatre to get tickets to see an Elvis impersonator, but all I got was an automated answer phone saying
    Press 1 for the money 2 for the show …….

    Chuck norris won the world poker series with a Joker, 2 of clubs, 7 of hearts, a number 4 green UNO card, and a get of jail free card from monopoly

    fongsaiyuk
    Free Member

    why do elephants have four feet ?

    because the look stupid with 6 inches

    Neil-F
    Free Member

    Seasonal one…

    Two snowmen in a garden, one turns to the other and said…
    “Can you smell carrots?”

    swiftyx2
    Free Member

    what do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny???

    A block of flaps

    swiftyx2
    Free Member

    Venisson meat is Dear/deer

    swiftyx2
    Free Member

    whats green and smells of pork?

    Kermits finger

    swiftyx2
    Free Member

    whats worse than being raped by jack the ripper?

    fingered by captain hook

    swiftyx2
    Free Member

    how can you tell a hard lesbian?

    she rolls her own tampons

    swiftyx2
    Free Member

    whats invisible and smells of carrots?

    a rabbits fart

    KT1973
    Free Member

    What’s brown and sits in the toilet singing about angels?
    Jobbie Williams

Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 86 total)

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