How STW are you?

I’m not middle-class. I don’t own a road bike.

So not very STW.

Very, no Audi, 2 x Vws, extra points as one is a Transporter.

Oh, and if memory serves, I’m also almost nearly exactly the average age.

46??

Ticks for:
Orange 5 FS
Live in Calderdale
Full set of Sabatier knives
Woodburner
Tag watch
Coffee machine
Road bike
Hard tail
Frequent dilemmas over tyre choice

But:
I love cats, I mistrust 29ers, I’ve never been on a SS (but would love to give it a go) and (gasp)…
I’m a girl

That this now makes me want to ask a forum of people I’ve never met ‘does this make me part of the gang?’ is the clincher – definitely sooooo STW

I have a beard and I’m currently wearing sandals without socks, I think that’s enough for life membership*.

* for the purposes of this discussion, “life membership” shall mean until the member’s next ban.

have an Audi? got rid of it years ago
drink tea/coffee? never
work in an office? someone has to…
work in IT? NO!
wear a suit? only when pleading not guilty…
shave and own a fancy razor? I use a Phillishave
own hand made brogues? 2 pairs of Jeffrey West’s but they ain’t brogues!!
ridden a single speed? Sold it a few years ago
ridden a 29er? Only when hell freezes over…
ridden a 650b? see above…
own a hardtail? Oh yes….that’s where it all began for me
like trail centres? yes
have a log burner? Only logs I know of are the ones that I drop in the bog and you don’t want to burn those!!
commuted by bike? Wife’s nicked the car so I have to…
use the word “content” in thread titles? Never…
or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? Never…
know what tyres I want on my bike? Yeah, ones that match the tyre around my waist…
£300 knife to chop carrots? Carrots?! WTF?!
send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? As if?!
know how to use Google? Google expert
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – got a Rado and Raymond Weil in the collection, does that count?
Sling or pushchair – pushchair so you can crash it into people that get in the way…
Got a dog? Hate dogs…
Multiple bikes? oh yes!!
Titanium bike? only in my dreams…
Carbon bike? I’m still dreaming…
Have an on-one? Thinking about it….
Have an orange 5? #@%&£@#!!

Lives in Gods Own Country
Dont drive an Audi
Do have (at least will on friday) an estate to fit the bikes in. Obligatory Thule bike rack? Check.
Have 3 mtbs, none of which have wagon wheels, all of which have gears.
Own a hrdtail. It is an Orange though.
Never owned a 5.
Stubble, but no hair.
Drinks instant coffee.
Loves roadbiking.
Hates Lefties. Member of UKIP.
Only has cheap watches.
Frequent tyre fettler.
National Trust member.
Middle Class (if such a thing exists).
Despises Crapple products.
Also runs.
2 ankle biters.
Plenty of sex TVM..though still not enough(!).
No woodburner..though would like one.
Loved, just really really loved the Olympics and Paralympics, and frankly think it would have been worth it if it cost triple what it did.
Nowt to do with IT.
Loves the farmers market, they do the most delicious sausages.
Alps-trip regular.
Likes trail centres, and dont have an attitude about those that do ride them regularly.
Stravaddicted..and yes i treasure my KOMs.
Have owned an OnOne. Never owned a Cotic/Singular/other turd niche make.
Never bivvied.
Likes comfort, not ‘getting in touch with my inner git’ by sleeping in a binbag in the middle of a peatbog.
Daughter has an Islabike, and i spend far too much of my disposable income on bike related tat.
N+1 is the law, and would be my headline manifesto pledge if i ever ran for Govt.
im well confused now…i suspect only moderately-STW.

have an Audi? No and never have
drink tea/coffee? Tea
work in an office? Sometimes
work in IT? NO!
wear a suit? Nope
shave and own a fancy razor? Shave – does the aldi razor count as fancy?
own hand made brogues? No brogues
ridden a single speed? Won one
ridden a 29er? Nope
ridden a 650b? Nope
own a hardtail? Of course
like trail centres? Not really bit go perhaps twice a year
have a log burner? Nope
commuted by bike? Sometimes
use the word “content” in thread titles? Start threads Rarely…
or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles?Nevertrackworld
know what tyres I want on my bike? Yeah thecheap ones in the sales
£300 knife to chop carrots? Nope
send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? Never but i have to pay the fees anyway for gift so i have nothing to gain
know how to use Google? TICK
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – Dont own a watch
Sling or pushchair – Used both
Got a dog? Its dead – never having another one as I am not going through that pain again
Multiple bikes? Yes
Titanium bike? Dont really see the appeal
Carbon bike?Yes
Have an on-one? Yes and its carbon
Have an orange 5? Yes

Audi- did have, now got a seat
log burner-no
watches- yes Breitling x2, Omega and tag.
sling/pushchair- both
multiple bike- yes, only ever ride one though.
brogues- yes some where in the house is a pair of Italian brogues.
coffee- nescafe
Dog- not yet but kids want one so will get one soon i think.
Knife set- yes ,belongs to the wife. Thought she had bought a kitchen when i spotted the reciept.
IT- no.
Office- no.
SS- why?.
trail centres. I think they have there place.
farmers market- yes and local farm shop.
Fancy razor- mach something ,twin turbo xti bs.

Do Have a beard
Don’t have an Orange 5, but would like one.
Don’t drive an Audi, VW T4…
Do ride the Surrey Hills.
Have never started a ‘what light’ thread, but written in a couple.
Do wear Crocs about the house…and dont care
Dont have any questions regarding the Titus El Guapo.
dont have a Cotic
Do read STW at work to control the boredom

Should the On Ones or Oranges not be replaced by Cotics?

Blimey, hasn’t the criteria grown – updated and definitive checklist below!

Have an Audi? No – but keep being tempted
Drink tea/coffee? Coffee
Work in an office? Yes
Work in IT? No
Wear a suit? Sometimes
Shave and own a fancy razor? Got a Remington beard/stubble trimmer thing
Own hand made brogues? No
Ridden a single speed? Yeah – got bored.
Ridden a 29er? Got one as winter training bike
Ridden a 650b? No
Own a hardtail? See 29er winter training bike above
Like trail centres? Yes quite a bit
Have a log burner? No – and no desire to either
Commuted by bike? No – walk to work is quicker than unlock/lockup/change
Use the word “content” in thread titles? No
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? No
Know what tyres I want on my bike? Yes. Minion DHF F&R except Crossmark on rear in dry fast conditions. Run tubeless.
£300 knife to chop carrots? No
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? No. That’s a mug’s game. Buyer beware.
Know how to use Google? No exactly rocket science is it?
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – Not yet, but would get Breitling if pushed.
Sling or pushchair – Neither
Got a dog? No
Multiple bikes? Yes
Titanium bike? No
Carbon bike? No
Have an on-one? No
Have an orange 5? No

And my addition:

Start your sentences with “so” like lots of IT-y people do? NO NO NO NO!!!

I scored 11/28 so am a mere 39.28% STW.

After trying to avoid joining this thread:

Audi – No. They are vastly overrated and overpriced.
Motorcycle owner – Yes, and it’s British!
Orange 5 – yep, and proud of it!
Like to buy British where possible
Usually clean shaven with a Wilkinson Sword something from Morrisons
Don’t like coffee much
Way, way over 30.
Don’t like dogs
I have an Omega watch
Like trail centres now and then.
Don’t work in IT
Live on a nondescript housing estate in the North with no woodburner and a small garage
Am working class
No degree
Left school at 15

Fed up now …..

Audi? No, Fiat. I like to live dangerously.
Coffee? No, tea. Coffee is just cocaine for middle class cowards – I’m not mad on either.
Office? Never, ever again. It’s like prison, but with better hours.
IT? No.
Suit? Weddings, funerals, posh nights out.
Razor? Bic.
Brogues? DM’s.
Single speed? Well, I’ve got a BMX.
29er? Road bike, so yes.
650b? Don’t be ridiculous.
Hardtail? Yes.
Trail centres? Ok, but not as good as the real thing.
Log burner? I like sitting in front of my fire, not spending ages faffing about with it, so no.
Commuting? Have done, yes.
Posh knives? No.
Watch? Casio. El Cheapo & a G Shock.
Dog? Not at the mo – cat. Will get another mutt when I retire.
Multiple bikes? Yes.
Titanium bike? No.
Carbon bike? No.
On-one? Just a seat clamp.
Orange? Had a Clockwork years ago. Hated it.
Alps? Walking only
Motorbike? Not for a few years – It’s on the cards though.

And:

Single Malt? Yes. In fact, I might have one now.

Cheers!

Have an Audi? No
Drink tea/coffee? Coffee
Work in an office? No
Work in IT? No
Wear a suit? Sometimes
Shave and own a fancy razor? Leccy shaver
Own hand made brogues? No
Ridden a single speed? Yes
Ridden a 29er? No
Ridden a 650b? No
Own a hardtail? Yes
Like trail centres? Yes
Have a log burner? No
Commuted by bike? No
Use the word “content” in thread titles? Maybe
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? Possibly
Know what tyres I want on my bike? Yes
£300 knife to chop carrots? No
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? Yes
Know how to use Google? Yes
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc? Seamaster. Planet ocean.
Sling or pushchair – Pushchair. Umbrella type
Got a dog? No. They bite your face off.
Multiple bikes? Yes
Titanium bike? No
Carbon bike? Yes
Have an on-one? Several.
Have an orange 5? Never

I scored 11/28 so am a mere 39.28% STW.

Saw this and thought it was something about cassettes. Probably makes me an STWer.

Hates Lefties.

Saw this and felt I needed to jump to the defence of a very underrated fork design.

Work in office
Have a Skoda Octavia 1.9tdi estate (DSG box obviously!)
2 kids, 1 wife, 0 sex anymore
Steel hardtail
Carbon road bike
Constantly wanting different bikes/bits/clothes that my ability cannot justify

I’m living the Singletrackdream!

INRAT

But phat bikes need adding to the typical stwer list

I AM SPARTACUS 🙄

I wont pay pub prices for Lager, so I wont be going there during or after a ride.

Not interested in cake unless it has candles in it

We only have one car in the family – a crap old passat with a mahoosive dent in the side

I work in a factory

edit. To be fair I don’t really ride my bike much. Why do I visit this forum every day..???

but I have had 5 on-ones.
2 Dogs
experimented with tubeless, stems, bars, dropper posts etc etc
really really wanted an orange 5 for ages

I ride my bikes so not very singletrack.

I pay my LBS with money, as opposed to jaffa cakes..

Not very STW.

Have an Audi? No – a f’off big 4×4
Drink tea/coffee? Coffee
Work in an office? Not any more (and never again)
Work in IT? No
Wear a suit? Funerals and weddings
Shave and own a fancy razor? Same clippers for head and face
Own hand made brogues? No
Ridden a single speed? No, I fully expect it would be just as crap as I imagine it to be
Ridden a 29er? Noo, but have gangly legs, so fancy trying one
Ridden a 650b? No
Own a hardtail? Yes – a 16yr old Kona
Like trail centres? Yes quite a bit
Have a log burner? No – and no desire to either
Commuted by bike? No – even drive to the gym
Use the word “content” in thread titles? No
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? No
Know what tyres I want on my bike? Yes. Specialized Eskars
£300 knife to chop carrots? No
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? No. That’s a mug’s game. Buyer beware.
Know how to use Google? No exactly rocket science is it?
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – Nope, stupid money to spend on something I’d scratch within a week (tops)
Sling or pushchair – Was pushchair 12 years ago
Got a dog? Yes – you’d all hate him
Multiple bikes? Yes (well 2)
Titanium bike? No
Carbon bike? Yes
Have an on-one? No
Have an orange 5? No – Spesh Enduro S-Works

Some of the answers from the post I copied from were more than apt enough, so left ’em in…

Tall Southerner. So, no.

I think we need two t-shirts like the contrasting Nirvana ones of the early ’90’s

Audi Drivin’ Yorkie Petting HandGround Sipping Office Working Cutthroat weilding 29ing man-made trailing road traing central heating trackworld appending tyre fussing carrot munching googlewhacking paypal gifting orange 5ing no-tubing CRCing fixie fapping Go-Proing KOM whores.

Van sleeping beard growing lurcher racing trail brashing caffine hating single speeding baby slinging wood chopping shed building map reading cheeky trailing bike bodging wool washing chamois creaming glue sniffing LBS moaning wheel truing hammer weilding FatBike Wasters.

To be truly STW you have to change more tyres than you do nappies.

I spend more time on stw than on my bike

so I definately count!

As I have a Staffie, a Ford and most of my knives cost £3, not £300, I have to ask:

Is there a low rent version of STW somewhere?

And yes, I know about Pinkbike forum. It can F off. I’m not 5.

Have an Audi? Ford Mondeo Estate
Drink tea/coffee? Coffee
Work in an office? Yup
Work in IT? No
Wear a suit? Yup
Shave and own a fancy razor? Cheap cartridge job
Bald? Short back and sides, archived top.
Own hand made brogues? M&S
Ridden a single speed? Have done, will probably do again.
Ridden a 29er? Kind of, in a nichemonger monstercross kind of way
Ridden a 650b? Nope, but I reckon they’re good to go in the PA
Ridden a Fatbike? Yup, in that Moab dontcherknow. Loved it.
Own a hardtail? Yes, Dialled PA and Dekerf Generation
Like trail centres? Yes
Have a log burner? No, but have usable hearth and fancy axe
Commuted by bike? Yup, 60 miles a week
Use the word “content” in thread titles? No
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? No
Know what tyres I want on my bike? Yes.
£300 knife to chop carrots? No
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? No
Know how to use Google? Generally
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – Nope, stupid money to spend on something I’d scratch within a week (tops)
Sling or pushchair – No kids
Got a dog? Nope, but I’d have one if I wasn’t in a flat in North London
Multiple bikes? Yes
Titanium bike? No
Carbon bike? No
Have an on-one? No, but do have a couple of their bits
Have an orange 5? No
Posted excel help threads and had elegant solutions from Stoner? Yup.

Actually, I’m in binnerses’s club if he’ll let me in without rear suspension:

Non Audi-driving, Non 5-riding, non dog-owning, non coffee-machine-using, non log-worrying, non-beardy, 26″ full suss, with gears riding … idle, workshy layabout

Guilty of..

Border terrier ownership
Wood burning stove (well, until we move in 2 weeks – expect the new place will have one ready for next winter though!) edit – does having had a stove or open fire in 3 separate houses, across 15 years, absolve me of any ‘crime’ or just make matters worse?
Knives – whatever’s best in TK Maxx, by no means any sort of chef, just hate having blunt knives….
Oh, i’m in the part of the club that is the wrong side of the line on BMI curve….

I have one bike something referred to as a ‘hard-tail’, with 26″ wheels – guess that makes me retro 😉

I admit to being 29’er curious.

add running 5k in under 20 minutes to the list

The last seven words in that sentence are not necessary in order to rule me out.

Have an Audi? Don’t own a car. Bought my wife a touran though. Sexy eh?
Drink tea/coffee? Coffee and tea, all types
Work in an office? Yup
Work in IT? No
Wear a suit? Not if I can avoid it. Think columbo.
Shave and own a fancy razor? Just a normal one, used as little as possible
Bald? Certainly not. 40 and a good head of relatively normal coloured hair. I put it down to good genes and general awesomeness
Own hand made brogues? DM ones
Ridden a single speed? Yep.
Ridden a 29er? Yep.
Ridden a 650b? Not yet
Ridden a Fatbike? No and no plans to
Own a hardtail? Yep
Like trail centres? No
Have a log burner? No
Commuted by bike? 90 miles a week
Use the word “content” in thread titles? No
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? No, that is so twatish
Know what tyres I want on my bike? Yes.
£300 knife to chop carrots? No
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? No
Know how to use Google? Yes
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – no watch at all. Time is neither linear nor my master.
Sling or pushchair – Neither, make the buggers walk
Got a dog? No
Multiple bikes? Yes
Titanium bike? No
Carbon bike? No
Have an on-one? No
Have an orange 5? No
Posted excel help threads and had elegant solutions from Stoner? No.

Have an Audi? Had 2. Alternate between Audi’s and BMW’s :o) (prime to$$er)
Drink tea/coffee? Tea by the gallon, Coffee snob
Work in an office? Yup
Work in IT? No
Wear a suit? Yup. Hate it.
Shave and own a fancy razor? 4 days a week
Bald? Receding
Own hand made brogues? Aubergine coloured ones…
Ridden a single speed? Yep.
Ridden a 29er? Yep.
Ridden a 650b? Not yet
Ridden a Fatbike? Nope. Fat-curious though
Own a hardtail? Yep
Like trail centres? No
Have a log burner? Not any more
Commuted by bike? Fair weather biker but yes
Use the word “content” in thread titles? yes
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? Not yet….
Know what tyres I want on my bike? Yes. Changes daily
£300 knife to chop carrots? No
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? No
Know how to use Google? Yes
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – Yup
Sling or pushchair – Sling. Wife has Sling acquisition syndrome. It looks more addictive than bikes.
Got a dog? Cat
Multiple bikes? Yes
Titanium bike? Not yet
Carbon bike? half of it. Likely in the future
Have an on-one? Nope, but fancying a Planet X soon…
Have an orange 5? Had one
Posted excel help threads and had elegant solutions from Stoner? Nope…

not in the slightest, I’m far too scummy 😀

see, if somebody would set up an online survey on this (come on all you student projects !) we could have stoner run up a few graphs’n’shit

Have an Audi? no
Drink tea/coffee? coffee
Work in an office? yes
Work in IT? no
Wear a suit? Yup. no
Shave and own a fancy razor? no
Bald? no
Own hand made brogues? no
Ridden a single speed? er – does an old Raleigh Burner count?
Ridden a 29er? no
Ridden a 650b? no
Ridden a Fatbike? no
Own a hardtail? no
Like trail centres? no
Have a log burner? only in the holiday cottage (awaits abuse)
Commuted by bike? no
Use the word “content” in thread titles? no
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? no
Know what tyres I want on my bike? no
£300 knife to chop carrots? no
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? no
Know how to use Google? Yes
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – no
Sling or pushchair? no
Got a dog?His ashes are on the mantelpiece. 2 cats
Multiple bikes? no
Titanium bike? no
Carbon bike? half of it. no
Have an on-one? no
Have an orange 5? no
Posted excel help threads and had elegant solutions from Stoner? no

Have an Audi? no
Drink tea/coffee? either
Work in an office? no
Work in IT? no
Wear a suit? no
Shave and own a fancy razor? yes
Bald? no(t copletely)
Own hand made brogues? no
Ridden a single speed? yes
Ridden a 29er? no
Ridden a 650b? no
Ridden a Fatbike? no
Own a hardtail? yes
Like trail centres? yes
Have a log burner? no
Commuted by bike? no(t for 15 years)
Use the word “content” in thread titles? no
Or append “trackworld” to random words in thread titles? no
Know what tyres I want on my bike? no
£300 knife to chop carrots? no
Send monetary “gifts” to people I don’t know? no
Know how to use Google? Yes
Rolex/Omega/Breitling etc – no
Sling or pushchair? pushchair
Got a dog? no
Multiple bikes? no
Titanium bike? no(t that I use – that’s probably VERY stw)
Carbon bike? half of it. yes
Have an on-one? no
Have an orange 5? no
Posted excel help threads and had elegant solutions from Stoner? no – somebody else 😳