Good to hear from you Ton! Hope you’re all good.

What a freakin’ rubbish year though and it saddens me to see how many of us are struggling. So sorry you had to deal with that idiot Bunnyhop 🙁 Keep posting people . . . if it helps, and talk to someone, when you can. I only duck in now and again to check on the Trump thread – useless ****t!

Hi Ton.

I’m absolutely loving the pics you’ve been posting on facebook. I hope you’re doing as well as the pictures suggest!

As for the rest of you, I appreciate your candidness. It is so important to be able to say that you’re not doing well, and I really love the fact that on this forum we seem to be able to do just that.

I myself sink into depression fairly regularly, and sometimes can’t seem to emerge for months (even years) at a time. I have been on ridiculous levels of sertraline in the past, and this has at least given me a baseline from which to get better. Since March of this year, however, it has been a bit of a roller coaster, as I am not on any meds, don’t want to go back on meds if I can help it (although I will if absolutely necessary), and so have been trying to work through some things with the help and patience of my family. Right now at least, I am pretty good.

But whether I am up or down, can I just say that you all have my admiration and appreciation? A few of you know me in real life and know what I do, so you will know what I mean when I say that I will remember you all as I go about my business.

Thanks for the care for each other. Keep it up!

i hope you all come out of this shitstorm in a good and healthy position. it has be a very strange year, and hopefully one we wont ever see again.

NewRetroTom, terrible position you are in mate, keep strong and hopefully good things will come. feel for you mate.

just come out of a bad period myself.my unckle died a month ago. my childhood hero.

life can be and is indeed shit sometimes. we have to keep on keeping on and hopefulty come through it.

friends old and new, keep well.

After my wife died last September.
I sort of planned to visit lots of people who either were part of Carolyn’s past or had been fantastic support to me in the years I was her carer.
I know it probably sounds selfish but its really made things harder for my own wellbeing.

I’m lucky I have a job that is about as secure as you can get these days, I have many friends who are either redundant or facing it and my heart goes out to them 🙁
Bunnyhop just as well Ton & I were not there or we might have been in the cells.

After a good day yesterday and and a nice meal out with my mother and younger brother it’s back to down in the dumps. I just tried to have a conversation with my middle brother about dad’s impending funeral. It went about as well as expected and I really wish I hadn’t bothered but I couldn’t in good conscience continue planning without at least trying to include him but he’s shut himself off from everyone and doesn’t seem to care how his behaviour is affecting everyone around him.

NewRetroTom – Gosh you must be strong.
gnusmas – Its so hard for you. But as I tell my friend, take every single hour at a time.

Thanks for your kind words. I was completely shaken up by this white van man. He needs to pick on someone his own size.

I’m sorry to hear that so many are having a tough time and I hope it improves quickly for you all.

I’ve certainly had my ups and downs and feel OK at the moment. Getting decent sleep proved to be way more important than I ever expected and found mirtazapine to be a miracle in this regard. I’m off it now but wouldn’t hesitate to go back on if I needed to.

I try and live more in the moment. It’s not always easy and some moments are a bit crap. I turned 50 last week and it feels a bit odd but then, it’s just a number.

Take care

For those who are suffering feelings of dread or lying awake at night going through lots of “what if?” scenarios in their minds, this is an excellent read as it will help you to understand Generalised Anxiety Disorder and appreciate why you need to see a doctor to arrest the slide into depression:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad.htm

FWIW my experience so far has been that I descended quite fast into total despair, ending up getting about an hour’s sleep then lying awake for the rest of the night in an agony of terrible thoughts then spending the day with adrenaline flooding through my body, my resting heart rate going from 55-60 up to 80-90 all day.

This had to stop so I saw my GP who prescribed Sertraline. This was such a poisonous molecule that it screwed my head up straight away and after only two doses I was suffering horrible nightmares. I stopped that and tried Fluoxetine, another SSRI but it gave me bad nausea so with the GP’s agreement I stopped it, hoping to get by with Diazepam and beta blockers as sticking plasters. Two weeks later I admitted I wasn’t getting better so the GP gave me a much newer drug, Mirtazapine, and on the first night – bliss! I slept almost all the night. Night 2 was also good, 3 not great and 4, last night, the best yet as I slept from 11.00 to 6.00 only getting up once for a wazz. If you are in the same position forget any ideas of toughing it out and get help. I guess that Mirtazapine is more costly than the traditional old SSRIs, which doctors will generally try first.

Today has been pretty good, the news about CV has sent me into a spin of “what if” thinking but generally the bleakness seems to be receding and I’m able to use the skill I’ve learned through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to damp down the anxiety. Dr Google says some people begin to see an improvement after a week as the drug builds up in their system. This one has caused no unpleasant side-effects and the good news is that it’s okay with moderate alcohol, as I do enjoy a beer every afternoon at 5.15. So I think there’s light at the end of the tunnel, just a tiny pinprick of it anyway.

I hope these notes help and I urge anybody who is suffering anxiety to admit they need help and get it, now. Tell the GP you are paralysed by anxiety and they will understand.

Hey Ton- SO many thanks for this.

TBH I’m probably fine. My job is secure (but hectic- I’m a teacher) and at the moment I’m not Locked down. One member of the family starts a new job this week after a sh!tstorm that has lasted over a year. Positivity there. Another is apart from their partner and unemployed. Gig economy worker and there seems to be no safety net to support these guys. Subcontracts to major TV production companies but nothing definite in the pipeline.

Quite a few pupils in school are having or have had difficulties. We do what we can.

I worry.

Pretty down tbh.

Literally this weekend last year I was playing shows to sold out theatres, had been on tour with a reasonably big artist a few weeks prior and was riding the crest of a wave, the most profitable and enjoyable period of my career.

This coming Friday I start as a van driver at Waitrose and my music career is back to the level it was 16 years ago.

Being active, getting out in the mountains and trying to rediscover mtbing are keeping me sane currently….given I’m in the North West then I feel like that’s all on borrowed time.

Thanks Ton. Good to hear from you. We are generally doing fine here – both pretty secure in work (thanks NHS, and my position at the Uni is supported by a chunk of external money that means I’m probably not first in the firing line). Some family health issues of concern. And compared to so many stories above, we really have no worries. However I still burst into tears on Thursday at the monotony of life (I used to travel quite a bit) and having only been into work for 10 v odd mins in the last 6.5 months. Honestly I’m fine, but it just all gets a bit overwhelming at times. Just want tomorrow’s announcements to be over to we know what now.

Tbh, I have stayed reasonably locked down since March, so I don’t really see our lives changing that much. Grateful for the anxiety support I sought last year – turns out I learn some good skills.

Hello ton!

Hope you and yours are doing ok?

I’m “ok” in the sense of what ok means these days.

Today I realised that I am now choosing to spend my lunch break with friends, not just collegues. At one point we went very quiet indeed when we both realised that the school bus full of mask-covered children was a horrible thing to see. The young are resilient, yes- but it is terrible that they will have lost close on a year of their childhood.

It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry…

Thanks Ton for providing this outlet, I hope you are well.

Well, I thought I was OK and to be truthful I have been until recently.  Our family have been healthy apart from one nervous – albeit negative – Coronavirus scare.   Despite little bike racing I’ve lost weight and gained power and fitness in training which I hit hard this year so I’m really pleased with that.

However, recent events and the second wave have got to me.  Our company is now being bought for the second time this year, I’ve survived the latest cull that goes with that and I’m struggling with “off season”.  Today I’ve realise that the added stress together with not having that training goal and measure to keep my diet in check – although allowing the freedom of a few beers and biscuits – have left me lethargic and a little anxious.

Its odd, although I am a generally stressful person I thought I had nothing to worry me re Lockdowns etc, especially as I’m a natural introvert so don’t crave company, last night I flipped out mentally for a little while as I think I just got a little overwhelmed.

Its Friday, I have a job, my family is well and at the weekend I can get a relaxed ride in so there’s a lot to be grateful for.   I need to try and have a less frantic day today and rest my brain a little over the weekend.

Take care everybody.

Thanks for the good wishes folks.
Everything is going as well as it can for the moment.
The insurance company flew us back to France on a fricking Learjet which was a real WTF? moment.
We had two nights in the hospital in Grenoble and have now finally made it home after 2 months away.
Hope we get a chance to relax this weekend before the next phase of treatment begins.

Take care of yourselves and those around you everyone.

feeling fragile today – and guilty with it given how little real effect this has had on me. I know with my head its daft but in my heart it hurts.

MY other half is struggling a bit as well. she does not deal with uncertainty well and all our plans for the next few years are in limbo as we just do not know what we will be able to do once we both retire in the spring. We were planning to go to south american next autumn – will we be able to do so? My mothers health is fragile and i cannot go to see her.

all really minor stuff compared to many folk but its still getting to me

I am making sure we do get outside every day which helps but feeling shite because of what is really pretty minor and inconsequential stuff in the big scheme of things feeds back as guilt!

I will put my big boy pants on and square my shoulders and keep on keeping on!

..

all really minor stuff compared to many folk but its still getting to me

I’m astonished at what so many people are dealing with on top of the Covid situation, but that doesn’t lesson the effect it can have on each individual. No need to feel guilty about it, accept it for what it is.

Up and down week – we moved to Tier 2 yesterday, which doesn’t affect me personally too much but kids activities we are involved with are all up in the air again and risk assessments are being rewritten yet again. At least they’ve had a decent month seeing and interacting with their friends and doing some non family activities.

Covid scare at daughter’s school as a lad she sits near had symptoms but tested negative. Eldests 6th Form is moving to blended learning after half term regardless, so probably one week in, one week at home. Elderly mum hopefully having a long delayed eye operation on Monday before the NHS has to restrict things further.

Feels like we’re creeping towards needing another long hard lockdown through the worst of the winter, which I’m finding frustrating (politically) rather than depressing.

Rambling again, but nice to write it down and push it to one side

OK here, feel for all you with lot’s going on. My job wise is OK, but WFH fairly well, apart from the isolation – every day is like groundhog day. I’m in the ‘shed’ for work, which is at least out of the house and I can see Mr Robin and Mrs Squirrel just a couple of feet from my window. MrsF doing less well – out of a job and my son lost his, but is managing with Dominoes deliveries, which he enjoys. We can’t see MrsF’s mother as she is in a nursing home, which is shite. We had to call the Home to get them to sort our MIL’s bed as the staff weren’t answering her internal call button – how crap is that.

No point going in work, even for half a day, as there is nobody there !

We’ve been in effectively Tier 2 since July with a couple of weeks ‘out’ at the end of August. Tier 3 will be crap (very much expected this week) as gym/pools close and my wife will have no-where to go – she’s not a keen cyclist, especially in winter.

We’ve had 3 months use out of our caravan this year – god knows when Wales will open again.

No need to feel guilty about it, accept it for what it is.

My head knows that but its hard to make my heart understand.

My head knows that but its hard to make my heart understand.

Beautifully put. Now go back to the indyref thread and kick some ass!

I’ve been up and down for the last couple of weeks although I suspect that that is at least partly due to medication that I’ve been on. I was diagnosed with MS at the start of the year but I delayed taking the initial steroid treatment due to the immuno-suppressant effect. I’m just coming to the end of the taper and should be off them next week but the mood swings and other side effects haven’t been pretty. On the up side I told my colleagues about my diagnosis and they had a whip round and bought be a lego AT-AT, which was rather lovely of them.

I am struggling a bit to find a way forward with all of this though. The impact on my cycling is becoming more and more apparent and I can feel the grip on my right hand becoming weaker. There are many things I will be able to cope with but to have to give up cycling would be a blow. It’s been the one constant in my life since I was a teenager and has helped me through many difficult times. I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope if I have to give that up.

One (rather trite) thing I will add for everyone is this

“Yours struggles are valid, even if someone else is struggling more”

I’ve realised I’ve got too close to ‘social’ drinking again.
I keep needing to get away from the house, see people and usually that involves a country pub.
Time to break that as I feel everything is spiralling.
I also think that I’ll try to stay off here a bit more unless its about guitars or bikes.
Keep safe folks.

I’m not normally affected emotionally by stuff on Singletrack – but the honesty and openness of these posts did make me feel:

Uplifted -that people feel a connection and genuinely seem to care about each other

Sad- that people are dealing with so much in their family and work lives.

I’ve just had a contract end – selling medicines to the NHS – and don’t know how I am going to get another job in these times and in an industry that is shrinking.
It’s amazing how much a job and income seems to dominate my life at the moment – in other aspects things are OK. I’m trying to be positive!

Whatever is going on in your life – please share with someone – if not on here then with a friend who wants to listen!

Unsettled, anxious and frustrated best describes things as I currently feel them. The shorter, darker and wetter days are not helping.

Causes of being unsettled and anxious? Dad got an urgent 2-week referral due to Prostate issues. I had an MRI on mine on the same day he saw his Dr and got the referral. Work is commencing a ‘merger’ with another company (worry about having a job sometime in the future). Jnr is having the odd wobble. Inability of even this small island to work – properly – together to get a set of appropriate actions to assist mitigate the impact of this ‘kin virus. Govt waste of £’s when it could be better used to assist those who need it. Brexit. Reflecting on what I have actually achieved in life v’s others.

But…I need to balance that against what is directly in front of me. Currently a decent job working (remotely) with folks who are great and an employer who is good to work for. Mrs B working after a month of furlough in April. Jnr laughs at and with me. Good bunch of mates. Home is sorted. Some £’s under the bed for that rainy day.

TBH, I have nothing much to complain about, but that does not stop the anxiety unfortunately.

I have almost nothing to complain about (sorry!), but even so I find myself in full-on nihilistic self-preservation mode. It’s something I learned to do long ago, when the world and everything is too shit to contemplate and you have little control over it, then shut yourself off and try to look at it as an interested observer rather than a participant. It works for me, but then again I might be a little to good at it as I sometimes come across as a cold-hearted a***hole who doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone 🙂

My woes are entirely of my own making and the consequence of my own stupidity. We are now so committed to our build in rural Scotland that I have no choice other than to get on with it.

We have burned through a massive amount of cash building a house that’s too big and I no longer like. We are now 8 hours drive away from the rest of my family rather than an easier 4. Four hours away from our son rather than one. An hour from the nearest hospital rather than 20 minutes. 20 minutes for a shop rather than 2 minutes walk. Stuck in a damp bungalow that stinks of mouse piss, besieged by mice and flies. Sleeping at best an hour a night. Beginning to contemplate Christmas in this dump as nobody can get materials for curtains and blinds. Spending money like water. Realising that when our possessions come out of storage in a sea container they will stink of damp and will be mildewey because they went in on a wet day. It’s the stupidest stupidest most ill-advised thing I’ve ever done in my life and I will regret it for the rest of my sorry life.

We could have stayed in our warm, dry, clean mouse-free home in Lancashire and enjoyed financial security, even wealth but we chose to blow it all on this foolish escapade. Buying the land could have turned out to be a modest investment if ever we resold the plot.

I don’t expect sympathy because it was my vanity and weak will that got us here but writing about it helps dull the pain.

Jesus,I was about to moan about never ending lockdown till I read Globaltis post.I dont know how anyone can sleep one hour a night then build a home.

GTi Junior at uni in Manchester is beginning to succumb to depression and wants to come home but can’t because we are lodging in this mouse-infested filthy cottage while awaiting our build and the villagers here have a proud record of calling the Police on anybody who isn’t following the rules.

And this evening I’ve discovered a lump on my testicle. I would happily end it all now but I have a wife and son and family and friends.

Builder says it will be finished mid December but we still have to buy and fit carpets, curtains, blinds, get kitchen and utility installed, all against an unprecedented shortage of underlay, cotton for curtain fabric, wood for blinds. Our possessions went damp into a seafreight container for storage in Scottish winter and will come out ruined by mildew and stinking.

So we face the prospect of a miserable Christmas in this dump, bored, stressed and depressed. Even our poor cat is bored and has begun to wreck the furniture and bite and scratch us.

All my fault for not calling a halt to this ill-advised project in January or February as the pandemic loomed and before we spent all the money on a house I don’t even like any more.

A bit challenging. Three of our kids work for the NHS and one is a teacher. We’ve had bereavement, CV and care (and car and building) complications, so my mrs has been away for a fortnight doing a stint. I’ve survived by drawing in the horns and making life very small scale, DIY, HP, bike rides and walks but no pubs, one-man kitchen parties only. I haven’t suffered depression but I don’t have others to say I’m more barmy than usual so being thick-skinned, physically isolated and the occasional effusion on the net has been my key to survival so far. Now really chuffed at picking up my wife today and her being here for nearly a week before her next departure. If you let it all get to you it will pointlessly destroy you. Don’t.

Globalti – is isn’t your fault, your a victim of the circumstances within which we all find ourselves you did not know in January the year would progress as it has.   Have heart – there will be an end and one day you’ll look upon this is as a moment in time.

Just get through it, change your thinking to the Positive that you soon have a new house, the house you wished for.  Although you have challenges things will change and get better for you.  Like a metaphor for everything in life, you need to do the difficult climb up the hill before you can scream grinning down the singletrack on other side.  Don’t lose sight of the fact it will get better.

@gonefishin

I am struggling a bit to find a way forward with all of this though. The impact on my cycling is becoming more and more apparent and I can feel the grip on my right hand becoming weaker. There are many things I will be able to cope with but to have to give up cycling would be a blow. It’s been the one constant in my life since I was a teenager and has helped me through many difficult times. I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope if I have to give that up.

I have MS too and when I hit the point where riding was becoming too difficult I bought an ebike which was fantastic for me. 3 years later I bought a normal hardtail this year and have barely touched the ebike since January (and I’ve ridden a lot this year). My MS was declared “not active” mid year this year (I was diagnosed 2012) after an MRI showed no new lesions. I’m not saying that this is how it will be for you but try to keep a bit of hope, there’s a lot of doom and gloom on MS forums and the like. If you’re not on a DMT I’d definitely consider doing so, I’d like to think riding bikes more has helped with that “not active” status but realistically it’s Mavenclad (my third? DMT but seems to be working).

That said as for how I’m doing, I’m struggling looking to the future. I save quite aggressively for a future I’m, realistically, not going to have/enjoy but I know it’ll help secure my partner’s future. I usually have botox injected into my bladder every 6 months (that stings I can tell you) but my last set of injections was January so my bladder is pretty knackered which is a bit of a pain. I really miss going for walks. On the plus side though work is good and I’m still riding my bike lots.

Hi Ton, thanks for starting this discussion. Sorry to hear about your uncle.
Sad to hear how many are struggling but not entirely surprised. I’m feeling anxious, I get SAD every autumn anyway, I’m really missing my friends and haven’t seen my eldest son for ages because of all this. My youngest son is in Y11 at school and getting overwhelmed and upset about the impact on his education.
I’ve still got my job and am coping by riding my bike and walking lots.

Missus had a bit of a melt down yesterday, we’re lucky she works in a school and I started a job the day before lock down in an industry that isn’t likely to disappear in a recession (after 9 months unemployment). I asked whether I had finished probation on Friday and my boss was a bit non plussed as I think for him it was a given which was nice. We don’t socialise as much as many but are missing seeing friends, meals out and day trips, nothing very vital. I’ve worked from home since I started so we’ve put off replacing my company car which has saved us a ton of money. Things ought to be quite positive but there’s still that underlying worry. I think for me it’s now Brexit and the real possibility of no deal, that really does worry me.

I’ve never been quite so angry with politicians as I am now. 10 years ago we had a country doing ok socially and economically, Cameron, May and especially Johnson have taken this country back to the bad bits of the 70s with intolerance, racism, class war and economic collapse. I try to think of it in terms of we’re alright Jack and then feel guilty for thinking like that.

Hi Tony, Kevin here, looks like you have recovered from your mishap down to the Newfield Inn on the last Jennride and my condolences on your recent loss. For myself things went a bit downhill in March this year having a heart attack (luckily just before lockdown), which you’ll know all about being through it yourself. Initially I felt pretty good but for the last few months have been having problems with (hopefully) the meds the old “cure is worse than the disease” so have good days and bad ones, but I’m still getting out on the bike just need to learn to listen to my body and go steady. It hasn’t helped with the lockdowns as at times I’ve felt a little abandoned as I’ve only had 2 phone appointments with cardiac team, hospitals in my experience have not been open for business as usual, but then remind myself we are in a pandemic and I’m a lot better off than a lot. Whilst I hope, I doubt I’ll be joining you on another Jennride any time soon. Anyhow you and all of the STW guys and gals keep safe and well and I’ve decided at end of the month I’m not altering my clocks as who wants an extra hour of 2020.

have read everyones replies on this. nice caring replies as per usual.
keep as happy as can be everyones. try and smile.

Kevin, sorry to hear about the heart problems mate, but dont call it a day. you need a nice ebike, so you can keep on. jennride on a ebike is doable with the batteries nowadays. and charge it at a pub on route.
keep well mate.

Can feel myself sinking steadily here, we had a two week “staycation” which was great, we got on well, but we have both returned to work, and the cracks are reappearing – rapidly. Mrs J works part-time 2-1/2 days a week, alternating weekly between office and home. Mine is more fragmented with shifts, long days, if I’m lucky I get 2 consecutive days off, and even on my days off I’m usually too knackered to do anything more than the bare essentials, let alone ride my bike or go to the gym.

As for work, I see all aspects of people in the pandemic – it’s not good, I see folks wearing masks but with the noses still exposed, others blatantly flounting the advice, and other who used to wear face coverings now wearing badges saying “Face Covering Exempt”, as if that’s going to save them. And one’s wearing masks ignoring distancing advice because they’re wearing a mask!!

All okay here, some minor gripes but nowt compared to what others are going through.

The one thing which has really struck us is that not being able to meet your friends can be really difficult. We’re happily married with no kids but our friends and family are really important to us. We’d often meet up with them, probably monthly,  but that just isn’t happening nowadays due to distance, pubs being closed or general difficulties. Some illness in the family and friends struggling to get through this doesn’t help.

We will all get through this but it requires an incredible amount of patience. We lived in a world where nearly everything was at your fingertips, or just a few days away.  We just need to be patient and wait for the vaccines and treatments to roll out.

Stay safe everyone!!

🤞

I wondered whether I should post in here – totally over being locked down, isolated and having nowhere to go, but I’ve got my health and Mrs Pondo, a job that’s as safe as any job at the moment, food in my belly and a roof over my head. So in the general scheme of things, we’re pretty good – I just feel down, it’s like Covid has just taken all the shit parts of the UK in the 21st century (Brexit, intolerance, division, and the godawful government) and multiplied it tenfold. I’m giving up on trying to reason with people on social media and just unfriending/following the most vociferously hideous of them, trying to avoid talk shows and just listen to music and cheerful stuff as I WFH, and this is pretty much the only online space that regularly and reliably makes me smile. But to read the stories in this thread is heartbreaking – I can only thank you for sharing and wish everyone, whether they’ve posted in here or not, the very best, I wish I could do more (and I’m certainly going to stop whinging to Mrs Pondo about having no-one to speak to during the day!).

My state of mind is terrible and consequenly health issues are building. I’ve described my situation in earlier posts. If I could find a way to erase it all without harming my family and friends I would go for it as a merciful release. I remember being anaesthetised for my clavicle op, something like that would be very nice.