My son’s like any other has received some bullying and piss taking. He does loads of sport, and outside school stuff already.

I sit him down and educate him on a scale of things; a basic strategy from telling someone “I don’t like that and I don’t want you to do it” to a intolerance where as above you just have to smack the bully.   He’s worried about being told off at school if that happens, but I’ve always tried to say that as long as he walked the tolerance line, given the warnings yet has no other choice, he’s allowed to defend himself if he feels he has no other choice and won’t be in trouble at home.

Teachers point of view.

Keep on at the school. He who shouts most gets seen. Sad but true when there are more problems than people to sort them out.

Should he take it upon himself the give a bully a good hiding an official  bollocking will result but behind doors the staff will applaud and he will become less of a victim. Unlikely to happen I agree.

Many kids have a target painted on their faces. Maybe unjust but its a fact. Looking weird attracts attention unless you are so cool that it makes you special.

He needs an interest to keep his spirits up and something to succeed with. Computers and the online society are great at bringing you down as they allow you to hide.

Not a lot of help I suspect. Sorry.

more random thoughts

– outside school activities, not just judo/sports, but anything social. Like Scouts, a music group, anything social. MrsDoris was in Woodcraft Folk, I went to a church youth group despite my lack of interest in the whole god thing – it’s a chance to socialise with kids away from school hierarchy/pressures (and outside your year which is really useful too). Even a computer club (if there are such things these days) is a good start.

– sports – some kids have a different ‘in’. What got me into biking was independence and freedom: me and a friend would ride from home to a random hill somewhere, with a map and sandwiches, from about 13. It just felt like a good adventure, not a ‘sport’ as such, and looking back I think the quiet and space was a good release valve too. I was keen to have a go at orienteering too (prob for the chance to prove my independence or something) but never did. But if you’d tried to put me in a rugby or swimming club i would have hated hated hated it.

Really feel for you ..not sure if this helps, maybe just a slightly amusing anecdote:

My son is autistic and would play video games every waking hour if he could. It got so bad that we have now restricted his internet access (on the router) to 17 – 19 every day. This has<span style=”font-size: 0.8rem;”> forced him into being more social and making friends: so he can go to their house and use the internet!</span>

Being bullied means that its his self confidence thats ultimately being undermined and attacked,so realistically thats what you need to find a way to re-build for him.                              My own Son was a small for his age blond haired  only-child  with a lovely caring nature and also a type one diabetic requiring regular injections,so in theory should have been a prime targer to be bullied but thankfully wasn’t ,mainly because we taught him from an early age that people can be cruel and its only bullying if he let it offend him .                                                    Find a way to bolster his confidence and change his perspective of whats currently happening to him ,whether its smartening up his appearance,buying him the latest trainers etc,definitely force him to join a martial art gym (you may have to drag him there but believe me it`ll change his personality for the better-A colleague did it by agreeing with his bullied Son to try it for just two weeks, and he could stop after that time if he still hated it-he absolutely detested the first week,the end of the fortnight passed without him ever asking to stop and he still trains there now,5 years on) and as daft as it sounds,watch lots of comedy with him-Teaching him that laughter,however dark,is a wonderful way of deflecting spitefulness could be just the thing to alter his perspective of his current mindset.

one of the lads I bullied was a small slightly built, quiet, glasses wearing, clever, teachers pet type. He was bullied by everybody, relentlessly

A fight was arranged after school and after taking a couple of punches he absolutely lost it and had to be dragged off his aggressor after knocking fk out of him.

I was that kid.  I was systematically bullied for three years, the only thing that ever changed anything was me finally snapping and giving my antagonist a good kicking.  I was no fighter – I was nine stone wet through and survived school largely by being able to do a standing 40 yards faster than anyone else I’d ever met – but after that I was no longer the easiest target.

I think that the computer game needs to go

I think we need more information before concluding that.  It’s easy to demonise games.

Specifically here, he’s potentially using the game as a coping mechanism.  So if you remove that without providing an alternative then you’re making his situation worse.  Stopping people from self-harming or stimming might seem laudable but the superficial physical improvement is at the cost of mental detriment.  IMHO what you should be aiming for is something you can add to his life so that he chooses to play less, not take away what might be the only fun thing in his life right now.

Assuming the game is Fornite, it’s a multiplayer game (100 players at a time).  Whilst you see it as sitting at a screen on his own, it’s inherently social in nature.  Is he playing with friends?  Is he part of a clan?  (Have you taken an interest, asked him what it’s about?)  Could be it’s his only way of keeping in touch with his old friends who are at different schools now.  This actually happened to me – I’m a recovered World of Warcraft addict.  For me though, I played with real life friends who moved away from the area years ago.  It was a way of hanging out with friends, the game was almost secondary to that.  Sometimes I’d log on and just chat to my geographically diverse mates without actually playing much / at all.

Aside: I’m not jumping to conclusions but just throwing this out here, is he presenting any other symptoms that might suggest that he may be on the Autistic spectrum?  Maybe an ASD assessment would help if so?

(IANAparent)

Firstly write everything down in an email or by post, email will be better as the school cant file and loose it if posted.

Surely the school has a teacher who is designated to look after kids welfare, make an appointment with them  take notes.

Try and get your son into another school locally.

Make a fuss.

Food and computer games is a crutch, stop all junk food limit food in the house, take computer game off him and replace with educational stuff, chat to his freinds parents.

stop all junk food limit food in the house, take computer game off him and replace with educational stuff

… spend the next 40 years wondering why your child committed suicide.  “Our kid is miserable and / or depressed.  Quick, let’s find ways to make him even more miserable and / or depressed!”

Need to add things to his life, not remove them.  IMHO, etc.

(IANAP)

definitely force him to join a martial art gym (you may have to drag him there but believe me it`ll change his personality for the better

This, and similar learn a martial art posts are I believe fundamentally flawed.  What they do is effectively victim blame, telling the child that they are “weak” and don’t live up to daddy’s expectations.  If they want to go it’s very different from being dragged – basically the parent becomes another source of bullying.  Whilst I’m not suggesting uncontrolled access to junk food or computer games, I wonder to what extent the OP is making matters worse for his son.  He’s possibly the weird kid who’s parents give him cereal bars rather than chocolate and who has rules about which games they can play and when…

Drum kit?

Maybe look at electronic kits if space/noise is a limit. Or even just a practice pad to see if he likes it

I find that smacking a practice pad for a while helps release some tension.  Then practicing technical skills helps takes my mind off whatever’s bothering me.  Sticking on youtube videos of the Prodigy playing live and playing along myself lets me feel like a musical god (even though I’m really shit).

If any kids at school find out he’s a drummer then every three mates with guitars will be clamouring to be his best friend.  Drummers were always hard to come by for every wannabe school band.

Poly – the martial arts thing really worked for me.  It was Judo tho.

I guess that my parents got together with some other parents tho as  a group of us did it – all geeks / outsiders.  so for me it helped cement a peer group I was happy with, taught me to be in control of my body and to defend myself ( but not to fight)

There is no one answer that works for everyone.  Forcing the kid to do anything is counter productive I would think

The key thing I thinkis this from a post above “Being bullied means that its his self confidence thats ultimately being undermined and attacked,so realistically thats what you need to find a way to re-build for him.  ”

The judo helped me with this plus also the attitudes my Dad instilled in me.  Hold your head high, never give in, avoid confrontation

Poly-Not if they’ve been proved to work,as in the example explained the rest of my post.            Anything that helps build confidence  and self-esteem will make a difference

I went to Judo. David Carley kicked my head in after lesson number 5 when I got him with a Hippon-se-agey (or however you spelt it). Never went again after that.

Personally I feel your lad is not at fault at all. He needs to feel comfortable in himself not the expectation of what himself should be. Show him love and support in whatever he wants to do even if its gaming. We rolled eyes at my sons gaming until he started to make £100 a night streaming on twitch. He’s paid himself through university with it and has lined up a great job as a programmer with one of the big houses. He was bullied a little like your son.

But definitely tackle the issue with the school.

Poly-Not if they’ve been proved to work,as in the example explained the rest of my post.

Anecdote is not “proved to work” although I am sure some people find martial arts beneficial for some types of bullying.  I’d expect this to be more useful if either it builds a new friendship group (as TJ alludes to his did) or the issue is one of physical violence.  But I’d politely suggest that modern bullying, and pressures on children, are somewhat different from when many of you went to school.  So I would agree with you on this:

Anything that helps build confidence  and self-esteem will make a difference

But, I don’t think forcing a child to go to a martial art class is certain to do so – and even for a very short time that parental pressure may only make things worse.  It might be interesting to consider if the OP’s post was about a daughter not a son, how would he/others respond then.  I think the general building confidence/self-esteem points would remain, but suspect not so many would immediately suggest that martial arts were the best way to do that.  Modern children are much less liable to follow traditional gender stereotypes (and indeed that can be one of the reasons for bullying).

Karate transformed my GFs son.

Specifically here, he’s potentially using the game as a coping mechanism.  So if you remove that without providing an alternative then you’re making his situation worse.  Stopping people from self-harming or stimming might seem laudable but the superficial physical improvement is at the cost of mental detriment.  IMHO what you should be aiming for is something you can add to his life so that he chooses to play less, not take away what might be the only fun thing in his life right now.

Assuming the game is Fornite, it’s a multiplayer game (100 players at a time).  Whilst you see it as sitting at a screen on his own, it’s inherently social in nature.  Is he playing with friends?  Is he part of a clan?  (Have you taken an interest, asked him what it’s about?)  Could be it’s his only way of keeping in touch with his old friends who are at different schools now.

IANAFanOfComputerGames at all but these are some wise words IMO.

Another anecdote, but… friend of Mrs Tyred moved house to a new town a couple of years back, her middle son (P6 at the time) had difficulty making friends, not quite at the point of being bullied, but certainly not really enjoying school much. An avid computer gamer (along with his dad and older brother) he slowly made friends at school via Fortnite and other multi-player games, as he had confidence to interact online where he didn’t in person. Took a while, but that’s what opened the door for him.

Sounds like it might be worth finding out more about how he’s playing online. I’m the first with the kneejerk reactions to screen time (I just don’t like computer games – how long have you been playing!??! Off NOW!! It’s sunny outside!!) but sometimes it’s surprising and occasionally pretty cool what you find when you let kids show you round what they’re doing.

Good luck man, keep it in perspective.

Anecdote is not “proved to work” although I am sure some people find martial arts beneficial for some types of bullying.  I’d expect this to be more useful if either it builds a new friendship group (as TJ alludes to his did) or the issue is one of physical violence.  But I’d politely suggest that modern bullying, and pressures on children, are somewhat different from when many of you went to school.

So here to me is an underlying problem… a great deal of these new/modern pressures are directly related to online activities, both social media and gaming .. something neither many of us parents or the schools seem to really understand.

I only use FB myself for checking the usually inept activities for school and other non-school activities (such as cycling) … otherwise my account wouldn’t even be used.  Perhaps I’m old fashioned but updating everyone who knows me and possibly half the world as to where I am and what I had for breakfast isn’t an attractive thing.

On the other side it seems the norm that unless you use FB you will be excluded from many activities and events…

Recently went through this with my eldest, who is the same age.  Wouldn’t contradict anything above but the real problem wasn’t the two ring leaders but the rest of the class who got involved in a low level persistent way, I guess mainly as a way of ensuring that the attention didn’t turn on them.

This year he has changed registration groups and, although its early days, the problem has disappeared.  This seems to be because he’s now with kids he shares interests with so he’s less of a target.  The school initially resisted the change, partly because it was seen as punishing the victim (despite what he said), partly because they saw it as a breakdown in friendship issue (there was only one other pupil from his school in the registration group), and with one teacher who gave the impression they didn’t want the hassle (unfortunately this was the teacher with pastoral care responsibility for the year).  Fortunately another teacher witnessed what was going on a fought my sons side.

The school was very good at addressing the issue with the ring leaders (although one of them seems to treat punishment as a badge of honour) but didn’t seem to have a strategy for addressing the rest of the kids who kept things bubbling along (not sure there is a solution to this as its based on the other kids’ insecurities).

Recently went through this with my eldest, who is the same age.  Wouldn’t contradict anything above but the real problem wasn’t the two ring leaders but the rest of the class who got involved in a low level persistent way, I guess mainly as a way of ensuring that the attention didn’t turn on them.

….

The school was very good at addressing the issue with the ring leaders (although one of them seems to treat punishment as a badge of honour) but didn’t seem to have a strategy for addressing the rest of the kids who kept things bubbling along (not sure there is a solution to this as its based on the other kids’ insecurities).

You can call it insecurities or many things but it’s human (or herd) nature.

Like rubber necking on traffic accidents etc. or why otherwise normal people get dragged into something like football violence. I’m sure there are the nature vs nurture proponents but IMHO this is another of the BOTH.

Partly I guess this is self preservation but I think it’s equally simply trying to fit in.  It’s a tribe/group mentality that partly say’s better it’s not me and partly say’s my acceptance in this group is linked to my low level participation?

Partly I guess this is self preservation but I think it’s equally simply trying to fit in. It’s a tribe/group mentality that partly say’s better it’s not me and partly say’s my acceptance in this group is linked to my low level participation?

To my shame I was involved in a little bullying at Primary before we moved to Scotland and I became the victim.  As far as I can remember this paragraph would pretty much fit the reasons why

Make friends with big kids by being the jester, then corner all of your old primary school bullies and stove them in in the changing rooms with cricket bats.

For  even more effect, make sure one of the older lads is a cockney for added sweary hilarity.

Slightly different take on things from my perspective.  My lad ended up being ganged up on by his so called mates who I had coached as part of football team for over 5yrs.  As soon as they got to secondary school they turned into animals.  Educated and pleasant parents turned into pathetic human beings who turned a blind eye to ganging up because I assume it was better than their kids being the target.

it all dame to a head one day when I called all of them out.  Kids, parents, the lot of them together.  It ended the bullying but it made my kid some kind of pariah.  Given the choice I wouldn’t do it again.

a few lonely months where my boy had similar mentality to your own.  We were worrying and racking our brains for solutions.  I don’t believe there is anything positive to be gained in teaching someone with no interest to fight.  It’s not in their nature and tbh I don’t want a kid who fights, I want a kid who is thoughtful.  In the end we decided to invest in his positive traits.  We jumped on anything remotely positive.  He asked about drama class.  He is taking gcse drama now and has been in a couple of plays and gets invited to loads of sleepovers and parties (mainly girls too).  He asked about refereeing as the bullies had spoilt his love of playing.  He was awarded referee of the year recently (including adults) and has the possibility of a career.

he is still very standoffish with friends and doesn’t really make ‘sporting friends’ because he sees through fakeness very quickly.  But he is so nice and normal he attracts normal friends now.

celebrate and invest in anything your boy shows an interest in.  Maybe not so much the x box but there will be other stuff

+1 for martial arts

NOT for self defence, much more for the confidence, & its a great way to make friends outside of school.