Hi all

Before I begin I’ll put a disclaimer in, I’ve had appointments with professionals in each of their fields. I’ve been discharged by each and all with a “Wow, what a 6 months you’ve had. There’s nothing we can do that you’re not already doing. Can we study your coping mechanisms?”. Disclaimer 2, English is my first language but I’m crap at it, Pedants can do one, It’s more important to get the words down then grammar/spell check. 🙂
Disclaimer 3, we are skint, completely broke, parents were bailing us out on a monthly basis.

I’ll Time Line it…

Feb 2012. My 84 Year Old Mother is diagnosed with Terminal cancer. She was a wonderful lady loved by all. Her wish was to stay at home for as long as possible, so my Brother, Sister and I rallied round to provide 24/7 care. Brother (retired) covered the weekdays, Sister and I the weekends.

March 2012. Dad’s diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.

June 2012. My Wife finally gets a job. Minimum wage working for the NHS (That’s what a First Class Honours Degree gets you). The idea being there’s promotion opportunities.
Dad is diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and admitted to hospital (where wife works) for pre op assessment, ends up being kept in due to trouble peeing. explain about my mum and can they just fit a catheter and send him home please. 3 days later they do.

July 2012. Mum dies peacefully after spending a week in the hospice. We’d managed to keep her home until it became a two man job to move her.

August 2012. Go on Holiday with wife and 3 kids to shake off my depression (not claiming proper depression, just gloomy, understandably) Totally crap holiday, the wife was glued to her phone, not joining in with us, cold towards me. Got back on the 2nd September.

Sept 9th. Sunday, 5 to Midnight. My Samsung Galaxy phone pings, “Google Chat Update” I press the button, assuming it’s an App update. What pops up on the screen is a Google Chat conversation between my Wife and a colleague at work. The phone used to belong to my wife, but she’d upgraded to an S3 in July, so it’s locked to her Google account. The contents of the chat are about how much they love one another, how they are going to spend the rest of their lives together, how I’ve been distant recently (Can’t think why?). Don’t tell the wife, just sneak off to bed.

Sept 10th. Monday, 4:30 am. Wife goes and has a shower. I Grab her phone, which I’ve noticed she never leaves out of her sight, check her txt’s and it’s even worse. On Saturday night she’d gone to a works leaving do and spent the night at “a friends”. According to the txt’s “it was lovely to wake up in your arms this morning”. Other txt’s reveal their plans to move to Scotland, flat has been organised, transfer requests discussed at work, no time scale listed.
Tell wife I’m not feeling well and go into work and tell them I need the day off.
I go to my dads and speak to him and his Solicitor friend and put the basics of a divorce in place, but not submit it. I don’t know the timeline for her running off.

Monday afternoon, phone the wife up and explain I’ve found out about her “in appropriate relationship” I can’t prove an affair. Drive to her place of work and she explains it was nothing a cry for help, she’s struggling over the death of my mum etc.
I start checking wife’s email etc and it turns out, while I’m driving us to Italy for a holiday they’re emailing one another houses to go and look at when she gets back! Which wedding venue etc.

October 2012 Wife moves out for a couple of weeks to sort her head out and give me some breathing space. 17 year old step daughter, moves in with her Grandma and Granddad to give me a break. She has mental health issues and refuses all help / medication and I really don’t need the daily fight just to get her up and off to college.
The wife comes back after 10 days and says “sorry” and “nothing happened” and can we work things out. I agree to try and resolve it, but her daughter MUST get help.
Step-daughter moves back in and just carries on from where she left off, smashing the house up because she could get her own way, and generally being not a nice person. Her Grandma phones up and asks us to return the stuff her Granddaughter has stolen, and she’ never ever staying with them again, “she’s a nightmare”

November 2012. After coming home last night, the step-daughter kicks off, I went home at lunchtime to confront her. I gave her the mother of all rollockings. Explained I can’t sort things out with her mother if she’s continuing to be a Dick Head. Not brushing her teeth for a month, is not acceptable, not washing one week to the next is not acceptable, removing sanitary products and leaving them in your brother’s bedroom, lounge, hallway, on a plate, bathroom floor (might understand that one) stuck to a photo frame is not acceptable. Just generally pulling in the wrong direction because she can’t be “Normal”. We’ve spent 8 years of psychologists visits with her and got no-where. On discharging her the Psychologist said “you’ve never engaged with us, why?” her reply was “if I did I’d be admitting that there is something wrong with me, and I don’t think there is” – Trust me there is.
My parting comment was, and don’t be a prat and leave, sort yourself out!
Step-daughter packed her bags, stole her brothers savings and left, to go and live with her mate’s family.

All attempts at resolving wife’s affair etc are out the window, I’m now accused of throwing her daughter out, she left of her own accord. Her College tutor then steps in and tells her, I’m out of order and she mustn’t go home and the college will support her.
Wife starts upping her secrecy, password protects phone (only ever looked at it once), password protects her O2 account, I’ve been the one logging in for 4 years and paying the bill, but by accessing the itemised statement I proved she was still txt’ing the guy she had the affair with, 948 messages, for two weeks after she said it was finished. can’t tell if it’s ended now!

December 2012.
Step-daughters 18th birthday is looming, I’m refusing to borrow any money to throw her a party or buy her an expensive gift. Her dad gives us nothing towards her keep, never has, CSA couldn’t get anything out of him either.
The wife spends £700 on going out with friends during December, but is screaming at me because she can’t provide her daughter with a party. I spent £3.50 on a night out. We’re still skint.
Brother has a heart attack.
I visit Psychologist No1, wife thinks I have issues and if everyone else is to undergo therapy, so should I.
Wife get’s offered a promotion, doubles her wages, we don’t need to borrow money anymore, Hazar!
I put a budget together and we can spend £600 on Christmas, £200 for youngest Daughter, £200 for Son, £100 for Step-daughters 18th, £100 for her Christmas. my reasoning being, mummy and daddy are buying the kids gifts so they are getting £100 off mummy and £100 off daddy. I’m abstaining from buy her anything until she sorts herself out. Her dad gave her £1000, well he doesn’t pay for her, he can afford it.
Friday 21st Dec, I’m locked out of the joint account’s website. Have to apply to the bank for a new login. Speak to the wife and she gives a cock and bull story about shutting down her personal account, when I finally get back in I can no longer see the wife’s personal account (from when she was a Virgin V rep) it’s been un linked.
Turns out the Wife hasn’t shut her account down she just didn’t want me to see what she was up to, Step-daughter now has a nice shiny new iphone5 on contract, plus insurance and anything else.
All trust is out the window!
I’m still borrowing money from Parent to afford food and bus fare for kids and for wife to get to work.
Wife is unwilling to discuss the relationship, as I threw her daughter out.

Jan 2013 (happy new year, good riddance to 2012)
Ask the Wife is Step-daughter is coming home, “No!” is the reply.
I decide to dismantle the shrine that is her room, give my son the new double bed we’d bought her, as his bunk bed is getting too small for him.
Step-daughter fails her mocks – U’s. Speaks to head of department and uses the following excuse. “I have trouble concentrating (ADHD), I have mental health issues that aren’t being treated” I go nuts, I don’t think she should be able to decide when she has issues and when she doesn’t. She has issues, they need sorting out. She can then come home.

Feb 2013. Sunday 3rd. Wife says she’s “uncomfortable in my presence” so I make it easy for her and go and move in with my dad, he’s happy for the company and I can help him out.
Wife moves daughter back in (you may have heard the sonic boom, it happened that fast)
Wife starts paying her wages into her personal account not the joint one.
She’s been back less than a week and has already started stealing from her brother, set herself up in his bedroom, with her mates, smoking (we’re non smokers and son has Asthma) so the house stinks. I go round to take kids to school and comment on who’s smoking in my house. Wife lies to my face and tries to convince me I’m smelling things, kids grass her up. I’ve refused to give Step-daughter a lift – I’ve made it clear I’m having nothing to do with her until she sorts herself out, so the wife has a go at me. On Sunday the wife changes my visiting plans because she wants “to go shopping” and can she borrow my car. I challenge her and offer to take her shopping because I think the real reason is to take step-daughter somewhere in the car (I’m correct).
For the last two days my son has been off school because he can’t stop crying, “wants his dad home (he’s 11)” I’m heartbroken, but I can’t get through to the wife/step-daughter to resolve anything.
Wife is now telling people I had an affair, that’s her reason for having one – No I didn’t, haven’t, wouldn’t.

So I’ve given the Wife my list of issues to resolve so we can move forward, 1. Admit to herself she’s had an affair (she keeps deigning it, even when I show her copies of emails she sent organising where to have their wedding!) 2. Her daughter stops behaving like everything in the world belongs to her, and goes and gets proper medical attention for her issues. 3. look to build the trust back up, she’s destroyed it. try relate etc, Sister has offered to pay as I can’t afford the sessions.

I’ve received nothing from the wife, she’s happy she’s got her daughter back. my kids are unhappy, back to password protecting ipods so their sister doesn’t steal them (again). I’m unhappy as I can’t protect them from their sister, their mother doesn’t want to upset her so she’s giving her free reign in the house.

I’ve asked if she want to split, or try and resolve it. The answer was “I just want it to all go away”

The wife’s issues with me, which lead to the affair seem to be based on me not communicating my feelings, I’m probably on the autism spectrum like 90% of the IT bods on here and I do struggle putting feelings into words. But I’d agreed to work at it. I didn’t realise it was an issue for her. She’s now just trying to find an angle to make all this my fault, gain the moral high ground, she’s already started telling people I’ve abandoned them, single mother etc. Tell them you had an affair first and see if they are as supportive.

so to recap, I can hold my hand up and say I’ve done nothing wrong, I can’t resolve this on my own. Wife won’t discuss her daughters issues with her and get her into the system again, but this time engaging, not coping strategies for us, help for her. So I can’t return home to start working on the relationship.

There you go, I’ve managed to roll a mental health thread and a relationship thread into one.

What tyres for a screwed up year?