Help I'm struggling to deal with this now

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  • Help I'm struggling to deal with this now
  • I will add this with a caveat as many of you will think I have been a total <insert expletive> and hate for what I have done and not understand. Which I fully understand.

    So here goes:

    My BF left me in August siting we wanted diff things i.e. he wanted to live abroad and I didn’t. Which was true. But underlying that was the fact the relationship hadn’t been amazing for the last two years. But it ended amicably, Mainly as he didn’t want it to and nor did I/

    However for the last few years after ignoring earlier in life and then meeting him (whom I did genuinely fall in love with) I had been battling with the fact that I was gay. This had all occurred after falling for my female best friend and ended up sleeping with her. Which I am more than aware not matter of sex of person is downright cheating. But unfortunately beyond the just ooo I fancy a bit of different sex was linked to desires surrounding my sexuality. But you may then ask why the two years. Well initial euphoria was yes I am a lesbian. but then it was like ugh no I still love this guy. I can’t decide on being gay at such a late age. I’ve just been a massive whatever and cheated on him.

    Anyway time went by not quite like a fairy story and I was just coming round to admit to myself who I was really and trying to find a way to end the relationship when he left regardless.

    So this is the background the issue I have is the ex has asked me to leave the joint property we own and pay for so he can declutter and decorate so it can be put on the market and easier to sell vacant. Obviously we can’t keep owning the house but am feeling a bit shattered about having to move out by the end of the month. Should I agree to this, is it reasonable? My reaction initially was no but is that just me? Aaarrgh I have no idea. And I will not given current circumstances be able to buy out and take the mortgage on.


    *Just opened a family pack of wagon wheels*


    you’re on the mortgage, yes? If not you’re in trouble.

    Otherwise, seek legal advice.

    Premier Icon althepal

    Can we assume that you can’t afford the mortgage on your own? Get a good lawyer.
    Cant see how he can legally kick you out if you’re on the mortgage as you seem to suggest you are.

    Rob Hilton

    The backstory’s a bit irrelevant to your question, but I hope you have a happy life now that you’ve found yourself.

    Wouldn’t you say one of you has to go? Will he also move out? That would seem a little silly as you’ll be paying for a property neither of you will be using, so how to decide who goes?

    I split with my GF couple of months ago and continued to live with her for a few weeks – it wasn’t too uncomfortable as we also ended pretty amicably but I couldn’t have been around much longer as the moving on had to start.

    He’s moved out in August has we wanted diff things. And yes we are both on the mortgage. The backstory was to explain the sudden insistence on my moving out.

    Do not understand why its easier to sell vacant. if I went to an empty house I would assume they had bought elsewhere or summit and more likely to put in a cheeky offer.Sorry I can’t help with other stuff.

    Rob Hilton

    He’s moved out in August has we wanted diff things. And yes we are both on the mortgage.

    In which case tell him bollox!

    Agree with Mark, can’t see how being vacant would help.

    Premier Icon Del

    Stay. work on the place too, pay your way. you’re on the mortgage, exactly under what terms? DO NOT leave the property.

    Premier Icon BlobOnAStick

    Anything to do with this?

    The link did not work. And I have not posted re this before, And if it was a post about suspicions etc my ex did not involve himself in the mtb world. Didn’t get it. All that money and mud and riding up hill. The canal was as far as he got.

    Premier Icon Del

    nevermind that. are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

    Um does that apply we are joint on the mortgage

    Premier Icon Del

    you need to check. joint tenants have equal shares and cant do much without each other. tenants in common may hold unequal shares and may dispose of their shares by themselves if they feel like it, this last isn’t likely i expect but you’ll have any inequality in share laid out, which will determine what you can get in proportion to the property’s value..

    Ah with you. You mean in respect to the mortgage arrangement, Have already in the past to check this out.


    Yowzer. No point in denying it, there are tough times ahead but the important thing to remember is that you WILL get through them one way or the other and there will be a time when all this is over. Take it day by day. Also, stop beating yourself up! There is no one on this planet who has not made a mistake and what makes you a better person is the fact that you’re gonna learn from this one, right? One last thing. Are you sure that he knows? It could be possible that the physical distance between you has left him with too much time to think about it on his own and he’s turned all unnecessarily bitter about it all. Communication will solve this! 🙂


    I am no expert, but I wouldn’t move out. As above, get involved, decorate and get it sold ASAP. The sooner you sort out the sale between you, the sooner you can get the money and each to your separated ways. You both new to move on, so once you realise you need to change living arrangements, get on with it.

    Hope everything works out for you, (which it will!)

    Vacant property argument doesn’t stack up for me. A warm, furnished and decorated house will sell easier imo. Did he think you will put off potential buyers, if so use an agent who does the viewings for you. As you are joint owners he can’t f force you out and you are in possession at the moment. My advice is keep talking and try not to fall out. Good luck.


    OP for me you sound confused/your head is allover the place. You may be be gay but you could also be bi. Dont label yourself.

    Dont move out. Tell your now stone cold ex that you’ll explain to the estate agent you can vacate the property within a month as there is no chain.

    Cheated? Sounded gone anyway- who knows his side of the story. Good luck 🙂


    Dont move out till youve somewhere else to stay/live, as for your sexuality, lots of people experience same sex thoughts sometime in their life,you need to addres these thoughts with freinds or various charities who can help sort you out.There is a lot of help out there.

    People buy houses vacant and lived in, its up to them what they buy, but clean and tidy usually sell faster.

    Best of luck.

    Premier Icon Del

    Just be sure you completely de-clutter. OK for the house to be lived in but get as much stuff out as you can. You probably don’t need me to tell you to paint everything magnolia or other neutral colours, white woodwork and ceilings, assuming fairly modern property.
    This’ll make the place look spacious and light as possible and if most of your stuff is already out the way ( use self storage if necessary ) then at least you can tell your ex that you’ll be out quick when it’s sold.
    disassociate dealing with the property side of things from the relationship as far as possible.
    i feel your pain. I shared with my ex for 6-7 months after we split up, and I was buying her out. painful is not the word! just keep calm, any discussion identify what you’re prepared to accept, and negotiate.
    best of luck.

    Premier Icon firestarter

    Deleted as I can’t be bothered arguing 😉

    Premier Icon takisawa2

    I did the sharing-while-we-sell thing.
    Easiest way to end up hating each other.

    Personally, I think you should stay in the property & do as said, work towards de-cluttering in readiness for selling when Spring finally comes along. Try & keep things amicable with your ex.

    As regards you…Live a bit. Find out what works for you. One fleeting encounter(s) is surely not enough to know what you want.

    And best of luck. 😕


    more commas, OP…..

    why move out? get rid of all the crap you/he doesn’t need and move out before the house is handed over when sold.

    paint the walls white and be done with that. no point investing money to bring the place in line with your tastes. most people will redecorate to their tastes once moved.

    oh, tell us more about your infidelity. it was the only part of your post where i concentrated.

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