I haven’t been on the forum too often recently lately and I haven’t posted much at all because of things that have happened, so here is an update. You’ve all said before how I’ve always been honest and upfront about everything and again I’ll try my best. Might be a long one, a lot to update.

What’s been happening? A lot but not much either. Promise of help from various people and organisations, but nothing. Counselling started, had 2 sessions, then stopped as the counsellor was ill, this was last April and I’m still waiting for a new appointment. Chased them up several times for me and the kids ones and still waiting for a phone call back. I have struggled on over the past year by myself. I’ve had to do it all alone so far and carry the kids with me. But I’m still here and still plodding on.

I’m now being referred to the primary mental health care team. My anxiety and depression are apparently spiralling out of control and the suicidal thoughts are pretty constant at the moment. I have become a recluse, no other way of putting it. I know its not healthy but it is the way it is unfortunately. Because of this, I have also been referred by the doctor to the national exercise referral scheme. This is due to start at the start of March. Will see how all this goes.

Alex has started seeing camhs and a psychiatric doctor over the past few weeks due to some real issues he has been displaying. He’s self harming, punching walls and constantly breaking his hand, verbally abusing the other 3 etc. He is physical and verbal with me too, doesn’t usually last long though especially when I am forced to do something about it.

Phoenix, Liberty and Shelby still have nothing, although Shelby is possibly still too young. They are really struggling with everything. It’s obviously been a traumatic time for us all but as they are younger it seems harder for them to cope with. This is more apparent as time goes on. But the schools are still very supportive and try to make sure the days go as well as can be for them.

I went through a really bad patch last year, spanned about 4 months. A credit card and retail therapy was my coping mechanism I realised afterwards. So now struggling with a load of debt too. It could be worse, I could be a drug addict, an alcoholic, lost the house and even worse I could have lost the kids. In the grand scheme of things, it’s ‘only’ debt. But it’s a substantial amount and now I’m drowning in it. Haven’t got anything major to show for it either, majority of stuff was bought just because. This is an added stress I didn’t need but it’s something I now have to deal with down to my own stupidity.

Got told by loads of people I don’t talk to anyone, which is true. They all said I need to so they know what’s going on. Couldn’t do it, so wrote a blog page to sum it all up. I knew friends and family would see it that way. I know I’m my own worst enemy.

My ongoing thoughts and feelings

So there we have it. Guaranteed to have missed things out, so much going on and my heads all over the place at the moment. Just thought I’d put some sort of update up for you all. Thanks again for the messages and support you have given me throughout everything that has happened, don’t think I could have done it without all of your amazing support. I still read over the past threads and the messages as they all still mean a great deal to me.

Ah man, that’s hit me hard, I never know what to say to people going through stuff like this, even comforting my son when the dog died was a struggle! But, didn’t want this post to drop down the page without being seen by those who are much better than me at helping with the right words.
Your poem in your blog is amazing.

Man, that’s a tough read. I’m not sure what I can say to you…

I don’t want to patronise or fill the air with hollow platitudes, you and your family have gone through a tragedy that all of us dread.

I can only imagine how hard it is to move through this and try and help your family heal and find peace for yourself, so in spite of some stumbles you feel you have made, don’t be hard on yourself.

I genuinely think you’re an amazing human, that much should not be understated. The way you have fought hard and continue to do so, to deal with one of the shittiest hands life can deal is humbling man.

I don’t know what help I can truly offer, other than some words on a screen, but if I can help I’d like to try.

Sorry to hear that, it sounds as though you recognise the issues it has caused at least.

Have you looked in to or asked about social prescribing? It could be a way to help with meeting new people, doing courses, learning something new or just getting out doors and out of the house perhaps?

I’ve started working with local NHS on trying to create sessions for social prescribing and speaking to them, they see real impacts with those taking part.
https://www.england.nhs.uk/personalisedcare/social-prescribing/

I don’t really post on STW. Just here to read. I hope you don’t mind me saying that I think what you’re doing is nothing short of heroic.

I’m sorry to hear all that, the kids as well as you. I just don’t know how you cope, but I’m hearing you still fighting a corner for you and the family.

+1 on the social prescribing and outdoors as a Good Thing. Is there anyone / organisation who can help by getting you out, even when you don’t feel like it.

Gnusmas, thanks for always sharing.

I am at a loss for words of any meaning. But your courage in face of these hardships is extraordinary.

I’ve nothing I can add which won’t marr the eloquence displayed above – just sending best wishes to you all.

Really appreciate your sharing this, and the link.

You’re grieving, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Keep talking, here or wherever you find space.

Your blog and bravery for posting on here is inspirational. You are a great human being.

I’m not ashamed to say to you that I’m crying.
As above if you can find some courage to step out of the house with ALL your children, to some green space it will do you all the world of good.
Start off small ( meaning half an hour and build up). Even in bad weather the feeling of rain in your face, jumping in puddles etc is healing.
Huge hugs from myself and nbt. xx

What bunnyhop said – especially this time of year time outdoors is very beneficial.

you have a PM

Got nothing to add to the above, but please know that you’re doing a bloody great job for you and your kids in the face of a huge trauma
All our love and hugs from the fadda household xx

Yes we are all thinking of you. A mate of ours was really struggling so we set up a whatsapp group and sent messages of support, she really appreciated it and we knew when she had read them. Photos, messages etc.

Anyway just a suggestion. The social prescribing thing is good, I joined a gym when in UK this Christmas and they ran a program from referred people, v supportive environment.

Just aim for the smallest win to start with.

I was contemplating getting in touch with you yesterday as I’d not seen any posts in a while. Please keep posting on here, use this place as a sounding board if it works. You’ve been through so much over the last few years.

I can’t add anything more constructive than what has already been said. Don’t be hard on yourself Alan. You’re coping and you’re there for the kids. It’s going to take time for you all. Just know that you have people on here that really care about you.

Have you managed to get out on the bike at all? Would it help if a few of us came down to you and went for a group bimble?

I’m more a reader here and we don’t know each other but have seen your posts over time, I’ve been through similar but without the kids involved. What you’ve achieved so far is nothing short of super human and a credit to yourself.

@gnusmas I wish I had some words or insight. I can only imagine what you’re going through.

All I can say is this. I have followed your posts here, and never commented before. I never felt I had the experience to be able to meaningfully contribute.

But. For every person on this forum who *has* contributed to previous threads, or who has sent a PM, or whatever else; I’m sure there are countless others like me thinking “Wow, that bloke has been through so much and is still so strong”. You probably have more people rooting for you than you realise!

Please keep sharing if it helps you to do so, and I wish you all the very best.

Alan, incoming.

It’s half term fellah- do you fancy coming over? I’ll let Alex loose with the splitting axe this time if you want, it’s a great way to empty the mind.

Also, Thomas works at Pibwrlwyd now and until he sorts out his own transport it often falls to me to get him home. So I have to sit and kick my heels waiting for him. There are days when I could really do with a mug of tea.

I too have sent you a mail.

Ambrose – you are a star.

Thanks again for the messages and support. @tjagain thankyou for your gesture, I shall message you shortly. @Ambrose if I’m not out with the kids the kettle can always be on, be nice to catch up with you. And to anyone else that is near or around Carmarthen.

I think I need to expand a bit. The kids all have after school clubs they go to, managing to pay for them at the moment which is good so they’re all pretty active and have a social life outside of school. I wanted to make sure they had something, it’s not fair on them to miss out because I feel like this. I try to take them swimming at the weekend too, it’s hard work with 4 of them but they enjoy it. When the weather gets a bit nicer I’m hoping it will help a bit more to want to go out. I always put the kids first and try my best to make sure they do as much as possible. The down side to this is it emotionally wipes me out and can take up to a week to recover from it, then it starts again.

As far as I am concerned, if I have an appointment, meeting etc then I do go. Outside of having to go out, I tend not to. This is what I was trying to explain, think I worded it all wrong. Everything else is as I’ve said. The whole thing is a massive traumatic turmoil of events. I just needed to vent. I wasn’t expecting the reactions from everyone I got, I’m sorry if I made you feel bad or upset. It was just an update as I haven’t put anything up for a while. Now I feel guilty for doing it. The joys of depression I guess.

Mate, I think everyone here is absolutely rooting for you, and is keen to know how it’s all going. Please don’t feel bad about sharing, we’re all so glad to do what little we can to help, and if that’s just enabling you to vent a bit, then that’s all good.

You’re right about the weather – as it picks up soon (hopefully!), we’ll all feel a bit more like doing something outdoors, if we’re not going to get drenched or blown away in the process…

Please keep sharing, mate, we’re all here