Thinking of starting with one of these:

1) " Fornication!! (pause), ……..For an occasion such as this……."
2) "My speech today will be like a mini skirt, long enough to cover the essentials, and short enough to hold your attention."
3) I planned to do a very short speech today but someone reminded me that this would be the only opportunity that I would have with my wife and mother-in-law in the same room and not get interrupted, so I may be some time!!!

opinions please, or none of the above?

You can always borrow this one if you like…

My ex-girlfriend and I would like to thank you all for coming today…..

My ex-girlfriend and I would like to thank you all for coming today…..

🙂

I'd say 2.

Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. An honour, but nobody really wants to do it.

coffeeking – Member

My ex-girlfriend and I would like to thank you all for coming today…..

I'd say 2.

2 ex-girlfriends? Well, I know of one chap (ahem) who used that very line as an opener, when there were more than one ex-gf in the assembled throng, only to have his father utter (a little louder than required)"Which one?"

😀

this is the second time today I've got up off a nice warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…………… & hope they start laughing 😆

Go for CFH's line. It's a winner.

"This is the second time today I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…."

"Komrades, we gather here on the brink of our greatest attack"
Then say "sorry- wrong speech"

(Bill Hicks ripp off)

"unaspeaking as I am to customs publicing, I'd like to spank you all for being queer.."

"unaspeaking as I am to customs publicing, I'd like to spank you all for being queer.."

Or get a line of you're own…

"My wife and I…" never fails

oi that was my line when I was a best man

Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. An honour, but nobody really wants to do it.

Think I am going to finish with something soppy like:

Weve lived together a long time, but I havnt married the women I want to live with,
I have married the women I cant live without.

Should get a few "ahhhhs"?

The groom shouldn't have to be making jokes – keep it simple and just tell everyone how happy you are, how beautiful the bride is etc. The best man does the funnies.

I went on about starting our own fairytale in my speech, we got married at christmas and were off to New York for our Honey Moon 🙂

maybe not relevant, but it amused me today, in fact wouldn't try it unless you want a divorce

how do you turn a fox into an elephant?

marry her

IGMC

"My wife & I"
Leave the wise cracks to the best man / men.
Your job is to thank people.

PS – of the three choices in the original thread, the first two stink!

Oh and never use the same best man twice (not that you'll need to).

Mine went with:

"Half of you can head to the bar 'coz you've heard this before"

"I'll make this short as I am choking to get the wife out the back and give her a good seeing to"

Was actually said once at a wedding…

Ti29er FTW

Being asked to be best man is like being asked to sleep with the Queen. It's a great honour, but no-one wants to do it.

—-

Did this at a friends with 'queen mum' but now she's dead it wouldn't go over so well, at the time it as great…

—
[edit] But you're the groom. feel free to pass on to best man…
[edit2] just read the same thing up the top. Coat got. apologies, nothing to see here. Move on…

Most every quote here is years old.

Such as the Queen Mum / Queen / Camilla joke.
It was a tired opening gambit 5 years ago; do not fall into the trap of simply regurgitating the same-old same-old at your own wedding, you'll look a complete fool.

As above, your pasl are expecting to cheer the "my wife and I" piece and you could go on to tell them how you felt at the front of the aisle when (inset name) appeared. It will have them loving you and the women will hang on your every word.

Showing some chink in your emotional armour is very good form. Make it short, concise and not at all over the top. Done tastefully, you will have every lady in the room in the palm of your hands and even the men will allow you 20 seconds of vulnerability.

Bring your parents and your new in-laws into the equation and heap praise and thanks upon then with some pithy witticisms about one or more of them and a past event or two. This can have people rolling around with tears in their eyes and again, you come out of it all setting the Best Man up with an unenviable task ahead with his own speech!

Avoid mention of the stag and ex girlfriends as these are an irrelevance & will damage you and your standing. Keep it short and to the point. Practise it in front of your most trusted Lieuteneant at least a day before the wedding day and you'll go down a storm.

Most of you didn't know where we were going for our honeymoon, but I can now let you know that I am going to Bangor for 2 weeks(pause to let your friends stop crying)…….in Ireland

Spend rest of evening apologising to elderly relatives of the bride

Then you will look a complete prat since Bangor is in Wales.
PS – I get the double enterdre, but it will fall short on the day, barring your down market pals who will snigger like immature school children.

Avoid cheap, tacky snipes at the Bride's expense – that would be folly and not endear you to anyone but the prats in the room.

there's another bangor near belfast…

ha ha ha…points at the wedding photographer

Then you will look a complete prat since Bangor is in Wales.

Wasn't it a lovely day, the day we went to Bangor….

Good job you're a photographer and not a geography teacher. Your wonderful posts on here don't really lend credence to your assurances that as a wedding photographer you're never pushy etc either….

barring your down market pals who will snigger like immature school children.

Oh get you!

Be original

Do not use jokes from the www, everybody will have heard them, numerous times….

Rely on your own charm and wit -maybe an anecdote about your early days together, thank your new wife for accepting you, (maybe congratulate her on her good taste) and don't slag anybody off.

Plan out what you're going to say and practise a couple of times, but do not read it out from a script. Remember, nobody will know if you've missed anything out.

Unless you're good at it, don't deviate too far from your intended patter..

The funniest thing I ever heard at a wedding was a bride's father's speech some 20 years ago (ie, before the interweb told him to do it)…

'I don't see this so much as losing a daughter…'

(Ohh here we go we all thought, that old hackneyed line)

'But gaining a bathroom.'

Probably been done a thousand times but it was very funny at the time.

Go for it all and use CFH, then your 2 then 3. After that, keep it short and then use your soppy last line. Then be prepared for all the alcohol you've consumed to try to calm your nerves, to suddenly hit home. I stood up to do mine feeling stone cold sober and sat down feeling blootered. Great day, enjoy it.

I can't see why the groom can't throw in a couple of jokes or why the bride can't make a speech for that matter.

I made mine up on the spot! After all you have a room full of all your closest friends and family its not like they don't already know you!

I can't see why the groom can't throw in a couple of jokes or why the bride can't make a speech for that matter.

Mine's threatening this. I'm not sure whether to be worried or not…

I think Ti29er has got funeral and wedding mixed up…

¨ Just before I start would the person that left the Islamic dogs in the hall, muzzle them!¨

Heard that before as an opener!

"If I could just say a few words… I'd be a better public speaker"
"I'm a man of few words
[long pause]

Oh, I'm meant to say something more, am I?"

I dunno, I think there's a balance to be struck. On the one hand, you'll be going nowhere near Bangor if you offend the bride's family; on the other, this is one opportunity in life where you can say exactly what you want.
Personally, I'd start with a safe one-liner (as above) then be sincere 🙂

I dont get the islamic dogs line?

Muzzle them? Muslim? ❓

It is always a bit depressing when you go to a wedding, and the best man has not bothered to use his imagination to write his speech, and uses one of those 'how to write a best man guides', or searches the internet for jokes – it's always the toilet paper joke, or some ancient pun about getting the upper hand / getting a chance to say something. Don't make it worse by doing that for the grooms speech. Just say the nice stuff about the bridesmaids etc. then a load of stuff that you really mean, nice stuff about your wife, and look like you're either insanely happy, or almost going to burst into tears with the emotion. Those are always the nicest ones when you're at a wedding.

My wife and I did ours together – basically just wrote down a list of people we needed to thank so we didn't forget anyone (and split them in the middle of the list so we could each do half), and then said nice things off the cuff about the various people. We're both people who are used to standing up in front of groups of people and gabbing on, so we didn't bother with actually writing a speech as such. Kept it short, cos obviously everyone is waiting to see the best man rip the piss out of you. Oh and don't make the poor buggers wait for food, have the speeches at least after the main course.

Joe

I dont get the islamic dogs line?

Muzzle them? Muslim?

Yup. I wasn't sure whether to write muzzle them or Muslim.

I dont get the islamic dogs line?

+1 😕 It may be a tolerable one-liner, but I'd reall not want it at a wedding…