Give me some advice.

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  • Give me some advice.
  • Soup
    Member
    owenfackrell
    Member

    Don’t eat yellow snow.

    Smee
    Member

    Don’t use melted yellow snow for drinking water.

    AB
    Member

    When a women says ‘it doesn’t matter’ she’s lying.

    AB
    Member

    Be careful that when you feel your wife’s bum while she’s bent over in the kitchen, it’s not her mother.

    (Still convinced she was more flattered than offended.)

    Smee
    Member

    AB – thanks for the image you’ve just put into my head.

    I think i’m gonna be sick.

    AdamW
    Member

    Don’t chuck bricks at cows.

    AB
    Member

    Smee, my mother in law is stunning. Her and my wife look more like sisters than mother and daughter.

    I take it your not so lucky? 😉

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Subscriber

    Don’t stare at the orange juice because it says ‘Concentrate’.

    Premier Icon Coyote
    Subscriber

    Don’t admit to *anything* mainstream on here.

    mr frosty
    Member

    Dont sit down with a light bulb in your back pocket.

    hora
    Member

    In our house I wear the trousers and my GF decides on the colour, style and shape.

    Don’t lean over on a Tuesday.

    Don’t eat rocks.

    Don’t take naps in the road.

    Don’t stoke fires with your fingers.

    Don’t throw a brick straight up.

    Don’t breathe car exhaust.

    For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.

    Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

    Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

    The cack on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.

    If you need to get somewhere, and a train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.

    If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head.

    If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

    Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

    Light birthday cake candles from back to front.

    Don’t shave with a lawn mower.

    Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them.

    Don’t stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.

    Don’t put jam on a radiator.

    Although they are sold in supermarkets, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what’s inside.

    The warning “Don’t try this at home” really means “Don’t try this at all.”

    Don’t bathe in a tub full of snow.

    Don’t iron clothes while wearing them.

    The expression “Life in the fast line” should not inspire you to live in the road.

    Don’t eat hot coals.

    Don’t escape in to prison.

    Don’t wash floors with cough syrup.

    Don’t kick porcupines with bare feet.

    Don’t toboggan down very steep hills using a fork as a brake.

    Sell at most one of your kidneys.

    Don’t lie down in a cattle pen.

    Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.

    Don’t test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

    Only squeeze the non-sharp end of a sword.

    Don’t snap towels at passing police.

    Don’t throw an angry cat straight up.

    Don’t lick dry ice.

    Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it’s right side up.

    Don’t pour salt in your eyes.

    Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.

    Don’t microwave yourself.

    Don’t chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.

    Don’t swallow toothpaste.

    Don’t bathe in petrol.

    Don’t sneak up to a horse and whack it on the rump.

    Don’t drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

    Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.

    Don’t listen to music from Coldplay.

    Don’t lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.

    Don’t go swimming in a well.

    Rake leaves, not people.

    Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.

    Contrary to popular opinion, you’re not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.

    If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don’t use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and cinema’s even though it’s free.

    Don’t try to squeeze juice out of a tractor.

    Don’t kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.

    Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don’t jump out of a window — use the stairs.

    When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.

    Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.

    Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on broken glass is not.

    Wear clothes.

    Use oven mitts when removing items from the oven.

    Don’t drink.

    Don’t drive.

    Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

    Don’t brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.

    When using a strimmer, don’t hold the end with the wire.

    When using a blow gun — something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway — draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.

    No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

    Give me all your money.

    When sticking drawing pins into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

    Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.

    Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

    Premier Icon househusband
    Subscriber

    If you’re a Craft & Design teacher don’t blow sawdust away with your eyes open when using a tenon saw to cut a through housing joint.

    Especially not when giving a demonstrating to an entire class.

    colnagokid
    Member

    Dont leave your sausage sarnies in front of the tv while you go for more tea, if you have a hungry greyhound in the house 😳

    rusty trowel
    Member

    Dont watch championship football and expect to be entertained. This game is dreadful (Sheff U v Birm C)

    Soup
    Member

    WWJR you are full of wisdom and logic. Many kids of today would do well to learn from your teachings.

    WWJR – Why wouldn’t you kick toads?

    Moses
    Member

    Lick toads, that is.
    Cos of their poisonous secretions

    MrNutt
    Member

    fire, petrol and sheep are not good bedfellows.

    Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
    Wear sunscreen
    If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
    it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
    scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
    than my own meandering
    experience…I will dispense this advice now.

    Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
    understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
    But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
    recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
    you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
    imagine.

    Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
    effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
    bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
    never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
    on some idle Tuesday.

    Do one thing everyday that scares you

    Sing

    Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
    people who are reckless with yours.

    Floss

    Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
    you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
    yourself.

    Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
    succeed in doing this, tell me how.

    Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

    Stretch

    Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
    life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
    wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
    olds I know still don’t.

    Get plenty of calcium.

    Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

    Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
    you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
    chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
    congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
    choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
    use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
    think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
    own..

    Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

    Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

    Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

    (Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
    Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
    I know you’ve been hurting, and I know I’ve been waiting to be there
    for you. And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
    Everybody’s free.)

    Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
    good.

    Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
    people most likely to stick with you in the future.

    Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
    should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
    lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
    knew when you were young.

    Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
    in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

    Travel.

    Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
    philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
    that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
    noble and children respected their elders.

    Respect your elders.

    Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
    maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
    might run out.

    Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
    look 85.

    Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
    supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
    fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
    ugly parts and recycling it for more than
    it’s worth.

    But trust me on the sunscreen…

    (Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
    Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
    I know you’ve been hurting, and I know I’ve been waiting to be there
    for you. And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
    Everybody’s free.)

    theflatboy
    Member

    similarly, if you put beer bottles in your pockets to enable you to carry a larger round from the bar, don’t then forget and sit down.

    chvck
    Member

    Don’t wee into the wind
    Don’t spit in a full face helmet

    sparkywalts
    Member

    Don’t eat chocolate squirrels

    Poindexter
    Member

    Don’t Google ‘One guy one cup’.

    Soup
    Member

    Poindexter is right. I feel sick.

    Soup

    WWJR you are full of wisdom and logic. Many kids of today would do well to learn from your teachings.

    We can only hope.

    WorldClassAccident

    WWJR – Why wouldn’t you kick toads?

    They don’t like it.

    Poindexter
    Member

    Poindexter is right. I feel sick.

    What did I tell you?!?

    I still wake sometimes, in the early hours of the morning, sweating profusely, and I swear I can hear the sound of crumbling shards…

    Don’t Google ‘One guy one cup’.

    omg seriously dont google that, especially when you have your partner sitting near by she thinks im a sicko

    grizzlygus
    Member

    Don’t vote Conservative.

    You’ll only regret it.

    cranberry
    Member

    Never fart in an empty lift.

    Premier Icon Rusty Spanner
    Subscriber

    Never nudge your granny whilst she’s shaving.

    Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows.

    jojoA1
    Member

    Never trust a man who says they’ve had a vasectomy unless you were there when it was done.

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Subscriber

    Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
    philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
    that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
    noble and children respected their elders.

    Amen to that.

    Premier Icon takisawa2
    Subscriber

    Heard over the weekend (Welsh rugby boss I think)

    “Knowledge is knowing that a Tomato is a fruit…”

    “…Wisdom is knowing not to put one in a fruit salad”

Viewing 35 posts - 1 through 35 (of 35 total)

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