Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 151 total)
  • funny jokes, gags, one liners etc!
  • LeeW
    Full Member

    I love that joke Cougar!

    alexstumpy11
    Free Member

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
    in London .

    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    alexstumpy11
    Free Member

    90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts.
    Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

    Fresh Goods Friday 696: The Middling Edition

    Fresh Goods Friday 696: The Middlin...
    Latest Singletrack Videos
    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    I took my wife to the pictures today,

    And pointed out the layer of dust on each one.

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    My daughter came home crying from school today.

    I asked her “what’s wrong”

    She replied “I’m so fat”

    I said “yeah, but at least have the decency to be jolly”.

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    I got in touch with my inner self today.

    That’s the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

    breatheeasy
    Free Member

    My wife is scandinavian – she has a face like a norse

    tazzymtb
    Full Member

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

    So this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?”.

    I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness”.

    djc1245
    Free Member

    A crocodile walked into a pub. Barman said “why the long face?”

    samuri
    Free Member

    My next door neighbour knocked last night at 2.30am. Can you believe it, 2.30am !!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing the drums

    samuri
    Free Member

    Apparently Vanish is the no 1 stain remover. I hope there is a no 2, my underpants are really bad

    samuri
    Free Member

    Got sacked from my job on the waltzers yesterday. I’m suing them for funfair dismissal

    I met a Dutch girl last week with inflatable shoes. I phoned her up for a date, but she’d popped her clogs

    Put a bet on 3 horses today – Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie

    Spin
    Free Member

    I met an owl the other day. He told me he was getting married.

    I said “You twit, to who?”

    CaptainFlashheart
    Free Member

    An Eskimo chap was driving his skiddoo across the frozen wasteland and it broke down. He rang the Polar AA, who arrived swiftly.

    The Polar AA man lifted the bonnet and looked underneath, after a little while, he said, “Tell you what mate, it looks like you’ve blown a seal”.

    The Eskimo replied, “No. It’s just frost on my moustache”

    Mr_C
    Free Member

    To that man on crutches who stole my camouflage jacket – You can hide but you can’t run

    langylad
    Free Member

    Three punch lines, can’t be bothered to do the whole thing but you can make the rest up.

    1. ‘We’re dragging a bong on the chest of a slave and the sun is in the sky’.

    2. Pardon me boss, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes’

    3. A hod is as good as a sink to a blind norse.

    Sorry

    alexstumpy11
    Free Member

    My next door neighbour knocked last night at 2.30am. Can you believe it, 2.30am !!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing the drums

    that cracked me up!:)

    fizzicist
    Free Member

    There’s a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing ‘I want to know what love is’.

    Bloody Foreigner.

    bencooper
    Free Member

    I love going down to the playground to watch the children running around and shrieking.

    They don’t know I’m using blanks.

    zippykona
    Full Member

    Why don’t owls go on the pull in the rain? Its too wet to woo.
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Oh you’ve heard it already.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Kids here are running round in the sun with big water pistols at the moment.

    One challenged me to a water fight this morning. I quickly won though, with my kettle.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Rough times at the moment though.

    Kid round here got his eye poked out with a pencil the other day.

    Teach him to look through my bloody letterbox.

    maccruiskeen
    Full Member

    what do you call a deer that’s blind and has no legs ?

    Anything you like, whats he going to do about it?

    maccruiskeen
    Full Member

    My dog has no nose

    How does he smell?

    He can’t be he’s able to compensate with a heightened sense of taste.

    beefheart
    Free Member

    I can’t take credit for this, as my son told me….

    -Knock knock
    -Who’s there?
    -Twitter.
    -Twitter who?
    -I didn’t know you were an owl.

    stewartc
    Free Member

    Dont get me wrong, I’m all for the women’s movement….

    …I hate it when they just lie there

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    A computer beat me at chess. It was no good at kick boxing though.

    Muke
    Free Member

    Knock knock.

    Who’s there?

    Doorbell repairman

    Squidlord
    Free Member

    I bought some powdered water – I don’t know what to add.

    I’ve just installed a skylight – the people in the flat upstairs are really angry about it.

    (Both by Steven Wright I think)

    EhWhoMe
    Full Member

    Wife says having a small knob should not affect our sex life…
    i thought ok, but id still prefer it if she didnt have one at all…

    EhWhoMe
    Full Member

    Bloke goes into a bar and asks…

    Vodka and orange please..
    barman says…still orange..
    bloke …yes i havnt changed my mind….

    Klunk
    Free Member

    why shouldn’t you **** a retarded dwarf ?

    because it’s not big and it’s not clever.

    tomhoward
    Full Member

    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and bleeding to death?

    Still no bloody idea.

    What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

    Nothing.

    edlong
    Free Member

    Times New Roman walks into a bar

    Barman: We don’t serve your type in here

    bencooper
    Free Member

    A woman walked into a cocktail bar, and ordered the Double Entendre.

    So the barman gave her one.

    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    His roadie mate followed him in, and gave her one too.

    edlong
    Free Member

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Hold its face to the fire until its bill withers

    dabble
    Free Member

    Whats got two legs and bleeds?………..Half a dog.

    How do you make a dog drink?…………Put it in a blender.

    What do you call a man wi no arms and no legs swimming lengths?………..Clever Dick.

    MrGreedy
    Full Member

    Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He sat down and worked it out with a pencil.

    Garry_Lager
    Full Member

    3 parrots for sale at £170, £150 and £10, woman asks “why is that parrot so cheap”, shopkeeper replies “it used to live in a brothel”, the woman finds it funny and buys it, she gets home and the parrot says “**** me a new brothel” the woman laughs, her two daughters come home and the parrot says “**** me, 2 new girls” and they laugh, when her husband walks in the parrot says “**** me, Dave, long time no see”.

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