Friend of mine was unfortunatley found dead last saturday.
His (adult) kids have made the funeral well cremation and wake arrangements. The son is being particularly insistant on “Dress Code – Flamboyant/Eccentric. Cravats optional!”

Ive been to a few funerals where individuals like to take this sort of approach and dress up and im fine with “each to their own” grief is afterall a fairly personal thing. Discussions last night when a load of us met up were heading in a distinctly ‘fancy dress’ direction. I cant think of anything worse, at any time, never mind a funeral

advice, thoughts, abuse equally welcome.

Dress up and celebrate his life!!

Sounds like a great idea.

you can go colourful without going tasteless

I’d ask for further guidance.

Flamboyant/Eccentric may just mean they want you to wear a bright shirt under your black suit.

Beyond that, what you feel comfortable with. You’re there to say goodbye to your mate. If you don’t want to do it dressed like Orville the Duck then that’s your choice to make, I’d say.

With that advice I would turn up in a suit or jacket/trouser combo but with the loudest tie/cravet I would find along with other suitably bright accessories. I could be persuaded to wear a loud jacket too. I would not be in fancy dress.

I’d do whatever my departed friend would have appreciated.

Sorry to hear about that.

Go with the loud-but-not-Rod-Hull-and-Emu look.

One of the best parties I ever went to was a wake….

Tricky one. Weddings, for example, are easy: it’s the bride and grooms special day so do what they want and don’t be a whinger. Funerals aren’t really for the main participant’s benefit but it is understandable that the friends and family want to respect their ideas. Do what you feel comfortable with and I doubt anyone will mind. There certainly isn’t a right way to grieve.

It means hawaii shirts not dressing as Batman- check with them though

Sorry for your loss matey.

I’ve always thought that funerals should be a celebration of life rather than a grieving of death. Last thing I’d want at mine is a bunch of people I loved all moping around being miserable.

I’d say wear what you’re comfortable with and what you feel is appropriate. There shouldn’t be mandatory ‘rules’, how can anyone tell someone else they’re mourning incorrectly?

I actually think that it’s unfair of the kids to suggest what they have. As you say, ‘grief is, after all, a fairly personal thing’. But whereas a colourful character can still be expressive in neutral company – albeit in a muted form – an introverted person who is more private in their expressions will find being in a situation of coerced flamboyance utterly agonising.

Especially when the context is a funeral.

Ah well. Perhaps you can get away with a yellow tie matched to a black suit.

EDIT: I should have added that I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Apologies for not having said that first.

Part of the point of a funeral is to remember the person who’s not there any more. How you remember them is up to you, but hopefully because you’re going it’ll be for good reasons. The last 4 funerals I’ve been to I’ve worn smart clothing, just not a dark formal suit and black tie.
Fancy dress might be pushing it a bit, IMHO, but they’ve basically spelled out pretty much how far they’d like people to go.

I think the Hugh Heffner approach to dressing would be ideal, silk pajamas, dressing gown/smoking jacket, cravat, house shoes, pipe and added monocle, eccentric yet smart.

My condolences by the way.

Sounds tacky to me, not to mention attention-seeking. Dark suit every time.

I cant think of anything worse, at any time, never mind a funeral

With the greatest of respect… its not about you.

My mates dad died recently, and he insisted in his will that everyone had to come to his funeral dressed in bright pink. So we all did.

It was a humanist ceremony – the hearse was silver – and it was a touching celebration of his life. By the looks of it, this is trying to be the same

If it was Rob’s idea/will etc. then fine but a. it wasnt and b. its not really the way i saw him. if the kids want somthing light hearted, i think they will be in for a shock however everyone dresses.

i wouldnt even ask, but its playing on my mind to the point im considering avoiding the crem. i can do the ‘celebrate his life’ approach, but bright colours and funerals just isnt me, closest my wardrobe will provide is a bright(ish) tie. Hawaian shirt, surely a charity shop will have something,
and no tie under a dark suit is my current plan

thanks for the condolences all

I’m real sorry for your loss.
I think that this is about those left behind as much as those who have gone. If this is how your mates kids remember their dad and how they want to celebrate his life then fair enough. I think that you need to respect their wishes because they will always have seen him differently to how you saw him. I’m not suggesting completely go against everything you believe in, but its a give and take thing. Maybe some clarification is in order?

Condolences. Just go, dressed however you like, and honor your friend.

my nan asked for red to be the theme when my grandfather went; his favourite colour and he was buried in a red shirt.

Everyone went black, white and red. couldn’t help but think of these two!

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

Funerals are for the living to say goodbye to the people that are no longer in their lives so as well as not going against the families wishes you also need to be comfortable that you do right by your friend as you knew him. So the middle ground of probably more casual than you might ordinarily do but not dressing like a children’s TV presenter will be fine. These events are about people and sincerity not about dress codes.

My 96 year old uncle died last month.

His instructions were dress for a party (for which he had already made provision).

It went well.

Edit: never mind

Flamboyant, eccentric – only one choice:

Sod social convention see them off how they wanted. Death’s pretty much the only guaranteed event in your life so why make it something miserable.

I’d go in the manner you would want to dress, don’t let clothing dictate whether you are going to attend his funeral.
a friend would understand even in death (well i’d bloody hope so)

The sons request may well be part of his way of dealing with things and he’d like it to be overtly happy so as to be in denial about any sense of loss (just a guess by the way) people deal with grief differently.
as long as you’re there to honour your mate then there will be no harm done.

I went to my granddads funeral last week wearing a gingham check shirt and blazer as that was what he always wore. it was part tribute and part convenience as I didn’t have anything else suitable.

my condolences by the way

Sorry to hear about your loss.

How about the dark suit, but bright tie or pocket square?

My brother died 2 years ago, he was a big fan of flowery/Hawaiian shirts, so it was quickly decided that would be the theme for the funeral. (he’d said he wanted bright colours/no black)
Some people came in dark/sombre suits with a bright shirt, others wore really loud shirts with equally loud jackets. It went really well (as well as a funeral for a 36 year old could go) and the bright colours certainly lifted the day.

My wife’s aunt died last month, she was late 70’s and had asked for no black – everyone just wore ‘normal’ clothes, which was actually really nice.

OP – there are loads of lairy shirts in Charity shops/on ebay/Amazon – I’d go for a bright shirt with a ‘normal’ jacket/trousers

They’re your mate – wear whatever you think they would have wanted. If that’s cravat, stick and top hat then go for it.

he’d like it to be overtly happy so as to be in denial about any sense of loss

very much my sense of it

he’d like it to be overtly happy so as to be in denial about any sense of loss

Not always the case. Last funeral I was at was for my uncle. It was in a catholic church and was the full catholic mass type thing. During his life my uncle was larger than life, very outgoing and always wore bright clothes. It was only fitting that his funeral was a colourful affair, he would have hated a black tie event.

plus cravat..

?

When my boss/friend died he was an avid Manchester City fan everyone was asked to wear blue or city shirt.

Everyone wore blue! Even the most avid Manchester United fans turned up wearing City Shirts no exceptions due to the respect every open had of him.

I’ve been to a funeral fairly recently that had a bright and cheerful dress code.

I went for a navy suit, no tie, but a very bright striped shirt and scarve. Felt appropriate for me.

My mates dad died a few years ago. He had cancer and knew for a while he wasn’t going to survive it.
This gave him time to organise his funeral. There was a video screen in church with him talking about his life and fun times. The first sentence in the video was “I don’t want to see any of you fu@@@@rs crying, celebrate my life you bastards.” The language stayed at that level and the vicar got quite red at times.
He organised the local rugby club (which he had played for for years), put £5k behind the bar and had a rock n roll band playing. Everyone was dressed in normal clothes and the party lasted 3 days. That was a fun funeral. I was sick for a week after but it was worth it.