My gran sadly passed away last week and her funeral is tomorrow.. she was a good age (89) and went peacefully which is more than anyone could wish for I guess.

problem is… I haven’t seen my Dad in 7 years (we don’t speak at all) and I don’t really fancy standing next to him in a Church…

I’m fine with this and have decided to pay my own respects and I’ll drive to the place she’s burred and say my own goodbyes.

Problem however, my mums tearing her hair out over me not going. (parents are devoiced). I think the main issue is she’s embarrassed for me not going.. or am I missing the bigger picture?

Bit selfish of you to stay away IMO. HTFU and go, you can Ferdinand / Terry it with your Dad as you please, but ffs just be there for your Mum.

Personally I’d mtfu and stand next to your dad. If you can’t do it at his mother’s funeral what hope have you got? You don’t have to talk to him.

If there wasn’t the issue with your dad would you otherwise go to see your gran off? (Notwithstanding your plans to pay your respects later).

I’m just thinking that if you do go, and cannot avoid sitting with your dad or speaking to him, you have to put up with that for an hour or so, then it’s done.

If you don’t go, you might for a long time afterwards wish that you had, but of course it’ll be too late.

Can you go but not sit with your dad?

It could be that she’d like her friends and the rest of the family to know that you cared about your gran and you not being in church sends the wrong message. It would also be nice if you were there to support your Mum.

Is your gran your dads mum or your mums mum?

If your mum wants you there and you can go, then go. The funeral is the occasion of your grans death but its for the people she left behind, so its for you.

You don’t have to stand next to your dad if you don’t want to, but you should stand by your mum if you can

Can you go but not sit with your dad?

yes – you don’t need to be pointed about it but theres only one seat either side of him, just sit the other side of your mum. Funerals tend to be pretty fast paced affairs you don’t get a lot of time to chose your seat, think about where you place yourself and he’ll sort of end up making the decision not to sit next to you by default.

Anyway, no mater who you are sat next to your attention will be elsewhere

Its not about you. Put your pride/stubbornness aside and go. For your mum’s sake if nothing else. As she clearly wants you there

Its a couple of hours out of your life.

EDIT: Sorry that sounded harsh. I had a similar thing recently. Also at my grans funeral. Myself and my cousin hadn’t spoken for years and studiously avoided family do’s where we might see each other. We both went to my grans funeral. It was a very emotional service. Afterwards we spoke for the first time in years and decided that life was just too short, and put it behind us. Much to the relief of other family members

You never know…

You pay the respects you want to pay, if your mum can’t handle this then she’s not a great mum. I wouldn’t want to be standing in the same room as my absent father either.

Funerals are evil horrible places and it amazes me that people still think you have to be there to say your goodbyes

As said if its your mums mum go and support her. If its your dads mum its up to you. I like to think I’d go but who knows what your situation is.

It’s Dad’s mum. My sister and mum will be going (Dad’s side has a big fairly close family). Another slight issue – I really don’t get on with my mum too well either… sound great don’t I? I’m very family independent probably due to having my parents breaking up most of my child and teenage life.. not really spiteful of them or anything like that but I just learnt to get on with things on my own with friends away from family.

I’m only back in the UK for a couple of weeks as well before going back out to Morzine for winter.

Luckily one of my shoulders keeps sublaxing and the other side the collar bone is broken so I probably won’t lamp him… not sure what looking at him after 7 years will feel like… wonder if he brings his thai bride… yay family!

I have some sympathy with the views above but if you feel that the whole thing could lead to unpleasantness then I would stay away. None of us know what your relationship with your dad is like and what caused you to not be in touch anymore. Do what feels right and explain to your mum.

EDIT – now a bit clearer! Sounds all very morning tele to me.

Haha it does sound a bit Jeremy Kyle doesn’t it? haha it’s not like that at all.. basically I just don’t agree with my dads priorities in life (money over family) as well as his loose taste in women whilst working away.. I don’t think that’s fair on anyone.. your either in a relationship or your not ey?

and basically he left mum in the lurch at 45 with ill health, no career as she was a stay at home mum and low self esteem… because of all this as well shes hard to get on with sadly and I’ve tried a lot but it appears I’ve sown my seed of staying independent and having minimal contact with them…

The joys!

whats the worst that can happen if you go?

this maybe?
[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4WGQmWcrbs[/video]

tbh sounds like you are the one with the problems (maybe caused by them over the years etc, but you are the one manifesting them). Go and prove to the rest of the family and yourself you can act like a grown up and show your gran some respect by putting your issues with other people she also cared about to one side for a short service.

You can slip in late and out quickly and quietly at the end which might make the point (if you feel you need to make one), prevent a scene whilst at the same time showing you can act maturely even if others can’t.

Wise words convert… I’m trying to source a car now so I can make my own exit when needed.. thanks for setting me straight

this maybe?

then take a go-pro

Wise words convert… I’m trying to source a car now so I can make my own exit when needed.. thanks for setting me straight

actually he’s quite right – at a funeral you’re not really that aware of the other people in the room (or I’m not), it sounds like your mums going to feel a bit out numbered so if she knows you are there even if you are keeping a low profile that helps. (Black is very slimming, but also very ninja)

I need a pair of those camel toe samurai booties I think 😀 haha honestly tho thanks guys – really helped

Funerals are evil horrible places

^^^this

I’m sorry that you’ve had that experience. They certainly don’t have to be either. If you find that it’s always the case, try looking in a mirror.

Last two funerals I’ve been too have been humanist affairs (1 friend, 1 family) and they were anything but evil and horrible. Quite the opposite. Celebratory in fact

They don’t have to be like that at all. Though if that’s your attitude to them, then they probably will be

Funerals and marriages are always ripe events for families to emotionally blackmail each other. Just seems to go with the territory…

…if you want to go to support your Mum go, if you don’t want to see your Dad stay away. You’re damned either way really! Best to accept your position as a football in the relationship dynamics that are families and go with the path of least resitstance in my experience!

go.. dont look back on what if’s.

say good bye and pay your respects to your gran.

Sometimes you just have to hold your head up high.

At my father’s funeral last year, my ex-husband was there (which I knew about it, was warned to keep his distance or I’d deck him). Also there was our adult daughter who has wanted nothing to do with me for the past two years.

We all kept away from each other and paid our respects in a dignified manner.

Go,

As totalshell says:

say good bye and pay your respects to your gran

you might regret not going afterwards.

Funerals are evil horrible places

Agreed, but the emotional weight thats lifted off your shoulders once you get out the church/crematorium and on to the wake (did someone mention finger food? 🙂 make them a neccessary

And to echo the sentiment of the tread, go, its your *grandmothers* funeral, not your fathers. By all means dont interact with him if you so wish (done this myself) but I’d urge you to go for your mother’s & grandmothers sake.

/climbs down from horse.

Am sorry for your loss. And awkward family relationships make this harder. I expect your dad has similar feelings. You don’t have to talk to each other. But you owe it to yourself to go; you won’t get another chance. Just go, and deal with it IMO. Good luck.

Funerals are not “evil” IMO. They are a necessary step in the grieving process. A hard step, but a necessary step for well-being. Life is sometimes hard.

You don’t need to say anything but if you were to put your arm around his shoulders all sorts of good might come from it.

I’d strongly suggest going and to the do afterwards if there is one, you can choose who you talk to and where you stand (without making a scene or personal point), and be social – at my mums funeral I tried to speak to all the people I didn’t recognise, so met people I’d never heard of and found out more about my mum and her life – I found it thoroughly helpful.

You’re going to pay your respects to your gran not see your parents!

We had this recently with my wifes aunt , mrscarlos hasn’t spoken to her mother in over 17 years and has no good reason to start anytime soon. We stayed away from her at the funeral and the wake afterwards. It does create a little friction with some family members but they respect my wifes decision and don’t press the subject.

From what you have said I think you just do what you feel is right for you. Your gran would have understood.

Good luck in whatever you decide though.

Druidh

Why do I need to look in a mirror? You know sod all about the funerals I have been to and the circumstances that surround them?

Fact is you don’t have to be there to pay your respects. Death effects every person in very different ways and therefore have no reflection on the kind of person you are going by how you feel at the funeral.

Alexxx hope it’s ok for you if you do decide to go.

I would go .
I take it that its a church service?
If it is just sit at the back . This has a the benefit that no one can see if you have a little cry , plus if there are any hymns there is no one close to not hear you singing.

Up to you if you leg it early doors , or just wait for 5mins of ‘personal time’ before departing .

If there is a wake I would play it by ear and decide on the day , prob best not to get hammered tho .

Too young to go to either of my Grans funerals but Grandads was hard , you have my sympathy.

Go to the funeral, your dad will probably look at you and be ashamed for being such a moron and sad that he’s not been able to be part of your life as you’ve developed into a wonderful, mature and caring person. If you don’t go for yoursel, go to support your mum.

Sorry, just read your other bits about not seeing eye to eye with your mum either. To be honest I’d still go, it’s only a few hrs, then you can just walk away

not sure what looking at him after 7 years will feel like…

Weird! It really is.

Arrive late, sit at the back.

Leave straight from the service and go home.

Its a celebration of your nans life and not about you and your dad I’m afraid. I had a similar quandary but when I buried my mum, sisters ex husband etc. The above may sound blunt or harsh but you should be there. Equally the way people are they may see it as a sign of disrespect. You don’t need to talk to your dad if you don’t want to.

I haven’t spoken to my sister for over 15yrs now, and a few years back her former partner and father of her children died through alcohol abuse – my sister had kicked him out for whatever reason and used the kids as a weapon against him, so he simply drank until it killed him.
The last time i spoke to him (when they where still together) he tried to threaten me, even though he was the one who had approached me asking if we could ‘talk’. Of course, all he wanted to do was rant so i let him have his say then walked away.

I was the one who introduced them both all those years ago and felt i needed to go to the funeral, but i didn’t want/need to speak to my sister. I went with my dad and afterwards we both said we wouldn’t go to the wake as there was bound to be a scene..

..Of course, by dad went and sure enough she caused him pain by publically stating that ****’s death was his fault. Always the same with her i’m afraid.

What i’m trying to say is that it is quite possible – and easy – to go to pay your last respects without having to deal with/interact with those you have no wish to interact with. Go along, and say goodbye to your Gran.

Cheers guys – glad I checked this thread again as the days gone on I started flagging more on the idea! – I’ve borrowed a mates car so I’ll drive there and see it out.. play the wake on how the service goes but I think its a church service then a burial further down the road so that may be enough for me.

I really appreciate what others have said about not needing to be there and I do agree myself – but I think for the sake of the bigger picture with family I’d like to show my care publicly for my nan. Cracking lady in every sense of the way.