Was having a pleasant commute in this morning on the bike when I hit some sort of winged beast at about 15mph. Went straight into the front helmet vent and stung me.

Not sure what is was but I now look like a Klingon with a swollen forehead around a small red bite. Hoping that I can still fit my helmet on for the ride home!

got a fat lip the other day after walloping a bumblebee @ 20 mph,

I swallowed what must have been a moth last week, we were both somewhat surprised.

In terms of larger beasts, a small grouse-style bird attempted to run through my front wheel once, not sure if it was attempting an ambush but it was a terrible miscalculation.

Saw a guy get shat on in a pub garden by what must’ve been a passing wildebeest, possibly baby elephant

‘kin everywhere !

I had a magpie fly straight into my chest while out riding on Tuesday. Not at all the mutated – dinosaur feeling I expected, it was big and warm and soft, I wanted to cuddle it but it rejected me

A few years ago I went for a ride with no glasses thinking “what’s the worst that can happen?” Well, turns out it’s having a massive fly hit your eyeball and having to pedal five miles home with one stinging and swollen eye shut.

I have had a wasp in my helment before, reckon it got 5-6 stings in before I managed to stop and get it out, and yes I was wearing an approved buff at the time. Jus sayin.

I caught a pigeon once, entirely unintentionally as I was passing under a bridge on the cross bike. The thing got trapped between my arms and my body, with the forward motion of me, the bird and the bike it couldn’t accelerate forwards fast enough to free itself so just flapped its wings in my face.

I’ve been a bit nervous of the things ever since.

I tried to enjoy my lunch outside today and had to go in as I got swarmed by tiny little black (storm?) flies. Little bastards made me ‘ead all itchy.

I had a Black Grouse try to take off and hit my handlebars at Drumlanrig earlier this year… never seen one before in the wild let alone that close.

I have no flying beat stories. Nothing seems to one to interact with me.

So lonely.

I am petrified of wasps** and once had one fly into the front of my jersey when riding. As quick as a flash, I grabbed a handful of cloth in my fist and staggered to a halt in the grass at the side of the road. I stood for a full 5 minutes waiting for my heartrate to drop, still clutching the jersey in my fist with no idea what to do.

In the end, I pulled the jersey over my head dropped it on the floor and stamped all over it with my cycling boots until I was certain the little stripy thing was dead. I rode home, proudly bearing dirty boot prints all over my jersey 🙂

(** note: not a phobia. A phobia is irrational, but there’s nothing irrational about hating the little yellow and black w@nkers)

Flying beast-wise, i can add a bumble bee in my jersey (we both survived uninjured) and a near miss, maybe 2 meters, by an owl that swooped across a trail to grab its lunch.

Flying beast-wise, i can add a bumble bee in my jersey (we both survived uninjured) and a near miss, maybe 2 meters, by an owl that swooped across a trail to grab its lunch.

You reminded me about another one – my son nearly had his helmet removed by an Osprey doing a low swoop down onto Gouthwaite Reservoir in upper Nidderdale. We both nearly fell off our bikes in excitement!

Not a flying beast til the end of the story but bear with me. Roadie pal of mine (well, ex – pal,  he is a roadie after all) once came quickly upon a squirrel,  which darted in front of him and did that feint-one-way-then-go-the – other thing that they do, trouble is ‘the other way’ was straight into his wheel. Picked up by the wheel, wrapped around the fork and flung into the roadside, dead. He went otb and broke his collar bone. He verified the story by showing me the clump of squirrel fur still attached to his fork

I was attacked by three dragons this morning, melted a couple of the spokey dokeys on the front wheel but I fought them off.

When I lived in Taiwan often used to get hit by these things when out riding at dusk. They are harmelss and dosile bit they hurt when they hit you at 30kmh!

am petrified of wasps**

When I was about nineteen I crashed a fork lift truck in to a weaving shed. Pootling down a hill to one of the outbuildings to fetch some yarn. Wasp flew in to the cab and I just launched myself off the side of the truck. Caught the steering wheel on the way out, turning the truck straight in to the shed wall.

Wasps…………

Bastards!

Many years ago I had a blackbird fly into my front wheel on a short but fast hill decent on my ride home from work. It got decapitated and rather mangled by it’s interface with the spokes & fork.

once came quickly upon a squirrel

Pervert 😉

I caught a pigeon once, entirely unintentionally as I was passing under a bridge on the cross bike. The thing got trapped between my arms and my body, with the forward motion of me, the bird and the bike it couldn’t accelerate forwards fast enough to free itself so just flapped its wings in my face.

I’ve been a bit nervous of the things ever since.

I hit a pigeon whilst on my motorbike that had been knocked off course by a truck heading in the opposite direction.  I was going very briskly and It hit me full in the face making a horrible mess on my visor and nearly snapping my neck.  I don’t imagine death by pigeon is a common coroners verdict.

Seriously! Riding home last night and was impaled by a wasp on the ring finger of my left hand. It was hard to get the little bugger out and he left his sting in place. Luckily I took my wedding ring of before my hand swelled to the size of a balloon.

Supposed to riding Cannock tomorrow after work – that is look unlikely as my hand is so swollen I cant even grip a handlebar. Ctrl + Alt + Delete was hardwork logging in this morning!

Have got Friday off for a long ride along Tissington and High Peak Trails as well so hope the swelling reduces before then!

Thread resurrection time.

We’ve got a bit of a problem with hornets around our house at the moment, and they tend to come out once it gets dark (they then follow lights, so if any windows are open, we get a fun evening of herding angry hornets out of the house).
A few times coming in from work I’ve smacked straight into one, but haven’t been stung yet, my frenzied thrashing has been effective so far.

A stag beetle latched onto my jersey a few weeks ago, and stayed put for a long time, swinging like a little brooch.

Riding down a farm track at dusk many years ago a bat hit me full in the face. Stopped surprisingly quickly seeing as I was using cantilever brakes. We both happily went out separate ways.

Riding down Dorking high street on my way to the station I saw a dark shape in the sky directly ahead. It got bigger and bigger till I realised it was a huge Canada goose coming in to land. It had obviously confused the road for a river. Well it narrowly missed me but not the van it touched down directly in front of. Anyway, it got up and wandered off down the high street, stopping to do a bit of window shopping on the way.

In my Polo breadvan at top speed of 50mph or so I hit a pigeon on the way to the Selkirk Merida (me, I don’t know about the pigeon). Made a right mess of the windscreen, which then baked on in the sunny carpark.

It must have expected Polos to have a lower max speed, as it was in no hurry at all to get up and fly away from its wandering around the middle of a country road.

Bird strike to the head riding home last night

Was quite soft but still a shock, im used to dealing with rats and rabbits on my commute, now Ive got to look out for birds also!!!

Ive run over a few rats in my time and have taken to barking at the rabbits (in a Brian from Family Guy style bark)

A mate was riding down the road on his mtb and a pheasant popped out the bushes ran along side him and he knew what was going to happen next, pheasant turned into his wheel, big mess and a very unhappy pheasant running off into the bushes licking its wounds

There must be something in the water, three times last night I had to take evasive action after deer jumping out from the trees.

The worst I’ve had was a bunny trying to run between my wheels, it hit my crank and went under the back wheel, queue lot’s of squealing and break dancing from the bunny with a broken spine. I manged to get a hold of it and wring it’s neck pretty sharpish, I still felt bad though.

Oh and then there was the deer that was confused between following it’s mother to safety or jumping down 2 metre embankment into a fence and breaking it’s neck when we rounded a corner on a quiet country road. It was between us on the road bikes and an M Class coming the other way, all of us were stationary when it took it’s fateful leap. Daft beast! Still didn’t feel too good about it though.

On driving down to the mountains for a ride I had the windows open and a wasp flew into the window and into my mouth (thats my story, I’m sticking to it). Cue stinging. Then I pulled over and to the amusement and horror of passing pedestrians proceeded to curse into an apparently empty car yelling “Get out of there you nasty ****”.

Then I tried to check into my hotel but my mouth had gone a bit numb so I looked and sounded, I imagine, like a drooling pervert to the young woman at the desk.

The other day on a ride with SaxonRider he started fidgeting a bit saying there was something in his jersey.  Tried to liberate it, eventually had to stop, strip off and a bee flew out.  Must’ve been a good 20 seconds with a bee in his jersey and he didn’t get stung.  Almost as if someone’s looking out for him 😉

Smacked in the face by a large Dragonfly the other week. It was flying beside me for a while and I was thinking how lovely it was before it changed direction and I clattered it.

Have also had a couple of birds of pray swooping out of trees at my head in the past, thankfully they realised I wasn’t pray and pulled up before contact.

Riding down a farm track at dusk many years ago a bat hit me full in the face. Stopped surprisingly quickly seeing as I was using cantilever brakes. We both happily went out separate ways.

Do you have a strong dislike to garlic, daylight and wooden stakes through the heart now?

I hit a bat once, it got me right in the chest.

I was driving along in the bus one day, i was doing 29mph.

A seagull lazily flew in front of me, it was doing about 27mph.

after a couple of seconds the seagull got a shock when a bus pushed it forward.

I had a Mexican stand-off with a stag. I came around a bend in the forest, and he was standing in the middle of the track, not about to give way for anything. I braked smartly to a stop, and we stared at each other from about 3 metres apart. Me, doing my best to look confident but unthreatenting. Him, indignant but confused, as if he was trying to work out whether he was supposed to fight me or **** me. Luckily, he couldn’t decide, and after what felt like a week he wandered off, looking over his shoulder as if saying “I’ll let you off this time…”

No contact, but climbing on a night ride I’d turned off my bar light but had my helmet light on. I was scanning the ground and looked up and an owl swooped right into my beam then over my head.

I almost fell off out of surprise.

I’ve been wiped out by a Famous Grouse more than once.

But back OT, we were riding back down Sherbrook Valley at the end of a night ride one lovely warm evening and came upon a block of flats, sorry, flock of bats, who must have been returning home after dinner, the same direction of us.  Very strange, wearing a head torch (me, not them)  so we could see them but they seemed to be unaware of us. They would flit from side to side and as we were going faster than them there were a few near head-but moments.

A treasured memory (mine not theirs).

Worse than any of that….