finding a person….how?

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  • finding a person….how?
  • Premier Icon scotroutes
    Subscriber

    I think I’d want to know more, regardless of the relationship I’d had with my “father”.

    I’d start with asking your mother, then any friends she/they might have had, all she knew about him, including where he came from, where he worked etc. Googling their name might bring up something (especially if not common).

    Premier Icon cloudnine
    Subscriber

    Does the bloke who you thought was your dad know about this.?
    Has the bloke who you thought was your dad generally been a good dad?

    fisha
    Member

    Well, he doesn’t seem to make cricket bats anymore:

    http://www.itsjustcricket.co.uk/cricket-bats-c17/senior-cricket-bats-c18/ton-m61

    But seriously, date of birth seems to be a key starter a lot of the time. I agree with the above comments too. A lot of the programs seem to come down to just hard graft of talking to people and finding out what they can.

    Premier Icon ton
    Subscriber

    I’d start with asking your mother,

    done that. all i got was his name and the area he lived.

    Does the bloke who you thought was your dad know about this.

    he died 10 years ago.

    slowoldgit
    Member

    I’m not confident about this but I half remember reading that the Sally Army used to help with finding missing people. Perhaps with adoption cases.

    Premier Icon scotroutes
    Subscriber

    Ah – she’s not keen you find out then?

    She may have her reasons of course, but it would be best if you could talk her round. Do I recall that other members of your family knew? Perhaps you could appeal to their better nature as they might know a little more and be willing to share.

    slowster
    Member

    I would also suggest contacting the Salvation Army. As I understand it, if they locate the ‘missing’ person, they will approach them and ask them if they are willing to have the SA disclose their location etc. to the person who instigated the search by the SA.

    That power of veto is probably a good thing: if the person does not want to be contacted, then it’s probably best to accept that and try and forget about them.

    I expect that, resources permitting, the SA are probably well placed to advise and counsel people in your position, whichever way it goes.

    Premier Icon flashinthepan
    Subscriber

    I completely understand your want to find out more

    But this could be a bit of a minefield

    I think you really need to talk more with your mother. She’s likely to feel a little uncomfortable with it – after all she’s raised you along with your ‘other’ dad. She’ll probably need some reassurance.

    Tread carefully, be patient and good luck

    Premier Icon ton
    Subscriber

    Ah – she’s not keen you find out then?

    his name and where he lived is all she has. she was married when she had the fling.
    wish she had never **** told me.

    Premier Icon scotroutes
    Subscriber

    Might be a bit morbid, but go to the area and look round the graveyards. You may find him, or possibly family connections that you could follow up. Lots of genealogists use that approach.

    Premier Icon flashinthepan
    Subscriber

    Let sleeping dogs lie?

    I’d certainly do nothing in haste – think on it awhile and what outcome you’re hoping for

    Premier Icon ton
    Subscriber

    few months ago, i was told some pretty shocking news by my mother. turns out the bloke who i always thought was my dad, wasnt, even though i only met him twice.

    so i now have the name of the bloke who is/was my biological father.
    dont know why, but i need to find out a bit more about him.
    like if he is still alive? or if he has other kids.

    good idea? bad idea?

    and how do i find anything out.

    CountZero
    Member

    Insert can’o’worms photo here.
    While the desire to find out more, what you discover may lead to more than you bargained for. On the other hand, as it was, as your mum says, ‘just a fling’, there may not be that much to discover, he may quite likely be just an ordinary bloke and nothing more.
    ‘Be careful what you wish for’ may be the most appropriate thing to say.

    Premier Icon frankconway
    Subscriber

    Hmmm, sounds like an itch that you want and need to scratch but, maybe, shouldn’t.
    If you have his full name you could use 192.com but if his name is (relatively) common your search may turn up hundreds of possibilities.
    Going down the 192.com route, use his name (including variations/abbreviations of first name) and county as a start point; you’re a yorkie if I recall so name – first and surname – plus yorkshire might be a good place to start.
    You can use any leads from that to explore parish records.
    Has your mother shared this with anyone else – her brother(s) or sister(s) if she has any and they are still alive? Could you ask any relations on your mother’s side if they know anything about this?
    You could employ a private investigator but that would be ££££ and may not turn up anything you couldn’t find out for yourself.
    Just thinking out loud, you might want to find him and possible half siblings but how would they feel about it?
    I have no experience so my comments are not rooted in personal experience.
    If you choose to go ahead, I hope it gives the outcome you hope for and doesn’t cause problems for others.
    On balance I would say don’t do it.

    smell_it
    Member

    I’m another sleeping dogs lie. I spent 12 years of my life with a dad who beat the absolute shite out of my mum. I found out 7 years, when aged 28 he lived a mile from

    deserter
    Member

    My wifes Dad and his brother were split up as kids in post war Germany, she contacted the red cross with the brothers name and where they’d been as kids and a few months later got a call to say they’d found him, give them a try

    Premier Icon mikewsmith
    Subscriber

    I’d say more of a conversation than the practicalities with your mum if you have that sort of relationship really.
    There are obviously reasons why she hasn’t told you to this point. If he knows about you that is very different to if he doesn’t, it’s not just your life you are entering into at that point (regardless of any moral points in there) if he is alive he could be hapily married, kids, grandkids etc. how would that go for them?

    Premier Icon ahsat
    Subscriber

    My dad’s cousin was contacted via Facebook by a guy in Australia looking for thier joint Mum. Turned out he had been born due to a fling she had during the war and had to give him up for adoption. Depending on the name etc, I have heard other stories of Facebook offering some leads.

    Good luck ton. Sounds complicated.

    Ton, these are two stories I know of where people have located there other family members using dna databases.

    I see people’s comments about opening cans of worms but I think we all know we live in a world where these things happen and you are right to be intrigued about your heritage as much as the next man.

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    Premier Icon jimdubleyou
    Subscriber

    When I was 17-18 my mum wanted me to speak to my biological father.

    I wasn’t interested, and I’m still not 20+ years later.

    There have been a couple of times in my life where I thought it might have been a good idea to go looking, but really it has only been in times of stress, where really I should have been looking for a way to improve my existing relationships, not find new ones.

    dovebiker
    Member

    My wife was adopted at 6 days and her adopted parents did their best to keep it a family secret. Because adoption files in those days were ‘sealed’ she had to jump through hoops to get access to the information – her father wasn’t listed on her birth certificate and her natural mother wanted nothing to do with her. She tracked her father down to Australia 2 years ago via an intermediary service. He was totally unaware she existed, having got married and started his own family. They’re happily re-united, email and Skype regularly.

    pistonbroke
    Member

    Shirley you’re famous enough to go on who do you think you are. Added benefit of getting the opportunity of giving Davina Mc Call a portion of fist pie.

    Lady Gresley
    Member

    Sorry, but can I throw in a possible complication? You say your mother was married at the time, and this is possibly not something you can ask your mum, but can she be sure who your father is? Her then husband or the other man?

    Junkyard
    Member

    that was my initial thoughts as well

    Without being graphic if they were not having sex I dont see how he could have been “tricked”

    Also not sure why she told you now either

    I have nothing practical to say/ offer help but i understand why you want to know more.

    Premier Icon NJA
    Subscriber

    Speak to these people, they are very good.

    Home

    I have no connection to them, but have used them through my work to trace people.

    I’m sure she would have a good idea of why she thought it was the other man, as for dates a pregnancy can be 37 – 42 weeks long so deliver dates are not an exact science.

    In the days before ultrasound scans to estimate dates I’m sure a
    it was a lot more ‘vague’

    If your wife delivered a baby 3 weeks earlier than anticipated i doubt a dad’s first reaction would be ‘hang on a minute I didn’t go near her in that month’ he’d just accept it was natural variation surely?

    edlong
    Member

    Nothing practical to add, but an observation that when we get the sorts of threads where people are opening up about their personal family type stuff I think its beholden on people to actually read the OP’s contribution(s) properly before wading in. I.e.

    Has the bloke who you thought was your dad generally been a good dad?

    seems like a pretty crass response to an OP which contains

    ..the bloke who i always thought was my dad, wasnt, even though i only met him twice.

    Premier Icon ton
    Subscriber

    I should have added, my mother had split up, but was still married to the bloke I was led to believe was my father.

    I only met him twice when I was a toddler, when my 2 sisters were taken to see him on a visit.

    thanks for all the advice.

    This must have been a shock,having lived your life with one story,and finding out it wasn’t true.To me,it would make a big difference if your birth father new about you.If he didn’t,contact may be very difficult for you both,as he has led a different life with out you in it,it is impossible to know in advance what his reaction would be,but it is very possible that he would be very upset.I would ask your mother if he knows about you and try gently to get a little more info from her,then reassess whether you want to try to contact him.Whatever the outcome,I wish you luck in your venture.

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