Well the sister in law basically booted the father in law out of her house at New Year.

He was widowed a few years back and can’t really look after himself, after he was part disabled by a stroke. The arrangement was meant to be that he lived with the SiL, as we are on the other side of the Country, far from where he has lived all of his life.

We never got along anyway, he was always a selfish twunt when he was younger, he wouldn’t of lifted a finger to help anyone, certainly wouldn’t of allowed someone to move in to his place.

So now he is living in my house and it’s doing my head in. We’ve had him for months at the time previously and that was absolutely terrible. Puts a lot of strain on me and the Mrs. Now it’s permanent with no end in sight.

He’s deaf and won’t wear a hearing aid, which means any conversation is very loud. That’s just one of his annoying attributes!

Things are only going to get worse as he gets gradually older and more restricted. I don’t want my house turned into a care home but the Mrs won’t consider him going in a home.

A bit of a rant more than anything but I was wondering if anyone has had to cope with similar? Any suggestions how I can stop this getting worse than it is?

Ultimately it has to be an agreed position with your wife. She obviously feels enough for him that she is prepared to put up with him but she also married you and has responsibility to you too.

Look into sheltered housing? Care home?

Can you build a granny flat for a bit of separation or…..

She obviously feels enough for him that she is prepared to put up with him

This is the thing, she isn’t happy about it either, she didn’t have a great relationship with him but it seems she thinks she is obligated.

If it’s difficult (and even if it’s not) get / keep social services involved and make use of any care visits or respite they can offer you. It’s a bit of help now but it’s a lot of help later if needs really increase- it’s easier if your in the system already than to be playing catch up when things get out of control

If it’s difficult (and even if it’s not) get / keep social services involved and make use of any care visits or respite they can offer you.

How do I do this?

Do we need to go through the GP?

Is there anything actually available in this Tory World?

Call Social work

Is there anything actually available in this Tory World?

are you north or south of the border?

Speak with Adult Services. Does he still have his own property?

Call Social work

Google doesn’t help for a number for this?

are you north or south of the border?

South

Google doesn’t help for a number for this?

just call the council’s main number

Is it your wifes father? doing something like this because you feel obligated is very damaging as it breeds resentment. Why did the SIL boot him out?

He needs to go into sheltered housing or similar unless you can build in some separation in your house.

Call social services – austerity hasn’t helped obviously, but they can give an opinion at least, and if he is ultimately likely to be homeless if you and the sister can’t cope with him, they’d be better looking at things now rather than later

Sheltered housing sounds like the best compromise for now at least

It’s probably under “adult social care” for the council

And I know it’s said on every thread like  this but….. power of attorney?

He needs to go into sheltered housing or similar unless you can build in some separation in your house.

We do have some separation, the house is quite large and he basically has his own sitting room. He doesn’t eat with us, he never did, unless the MiL forced him. It suits me TBH.

As we live in a rural area, there is little availability for sheltered housing and even I wouldn’t stick him in some random town.

He pays his way and has a couple of good pension pots but doesn’t own any property.

power of attorney?

I know this can get quite complicated. It can also causes massive family arguments once money is involved. We are much better off than the rest of the Mrs family and don’t really need anything from him, not so true of her other 2 siblings.

Right you need to understand what POA is and what the consequences of not having it are.

Can he currently look after himself – i.e. wash, dress, move around ? As others have said, speak to social services.

We managed to keep MIL in her home for as long as we could after FIL died, with carers 4 times a day. She had to go into a nursing home when her mobility became zero – hoisted between bed and chair. No way could we do that at home as it needs 2 people.

If he still has mobility and health, he could be living with you a long time. Depending upon his abilities, you should be able to get funded carers – even when FIL was alive, he had carers in 3 times a day to dress MIL and make her lunch and put her to bed. Even then, he was exhausted looking after her.
Look after yourself.

Look after yourself.

This is part of it – the social care is there for your FIL’s needs but as much for your benefit as his. Yes resources are tight – for some reason we’ve elected cowards – but aside from a bit of respite for yourselves from having someone help a bit the insight and advice you can get from someone who meets dozens and dozens of people in your situation is invaluable

But genuinely – get on to POA, really understand what it is and more importantly really understand what not having it could mean and make sure everyone who has a stake in this – including other family members elsewhere – shares that understanding. If your FIL has had a stroke then he’s a pretty good candidate to have another I’d guess and without that POA things could get incredibly difficult and expensive for all fo you.

Can he currently look after himself – i.e. wash, dress, move around ? As others have said, speak to social services.

He can. Although he can only walk short distances but he can shuffle to the bus stop for the 1/2 mile trip to the pub. We try and encourage him to keep as much independence as possible. His movement is a lot worse than it was 1 year ago, so I’m not sure how long he’s going to keep doing this?

The washing is more of an issue, we have a large wet room type shower, with no step. He has a chair to sit on. However, the wife still has to pester him to get showered regularly, if she didn’t i don’t think he would bother.

Look after yourself.

I’m trying to. I have a stressful job with lots of travel. The last thing I want is having to share my home with someone I neither like or respect. However, I couldn’t make a 74 year old man homeless.

If he still has mobility and health, he could be living with you a long time.

That’s the worry!

But genuinely – get on to POA, really understand but and and really understand what not having it could mean and make sure everyone who has a stake in this – including other family members elsewhere – share that understanding.

I understand what you are saying. I understand why it is important. However, the other stakeholders in this, do not and will not understand. Their ignorance knows no bounds. It may sound harsh but they are a pair of ignorant arseholes.

Well – a POA can exclude then from having any involvement – you / your wife and your FIL can make the arrangements without them.

However, I couldn’t make a 74 year old man homeless.

You don’t have to. find him some sheltered accomodation. Get onto Social Services – make it their problem

find him some sheltered accomodation.

TJ – As i posted earlier, there is hardly any in our area. There is 1 in the village with no vacancies. I am going to speak to the Council and see if we can get him on the waiting list but I’m not holding my breath.

You said that where you live is not where he used to live.

Gobuchal – I feel your pain, sadly it was my dad I had to put up with as other siblings either wouldn’t or couldn’t have him, luckily my wife is a saint and my dad passed away suddenly just as social services were beginning to need to get involved. As much as I didn’t see eye to eye with my dad I wouldn’t have put him in a care home and to have him around was a good education in how not to plan your later life..

AIUI, Power of Attorney is agreed between you and him, no-one else need be involved (assuming he agrees to it). It’s easy to grant if he’s amenable. difficult and very expensive to take it if he isn’t.

but it seems she thinks she is obligated.

This is were it’s going wrong, she isn’t obligated. And somehow you have to get that through to your wife. If both of you were happy to have him then fine, but as it’s a struggle already things will only get worse, much worse. He needs to be in sheltered accommodation. If there’s none available locally then find somewhere perhaps not so local.

I can’t recommend enough getting some assistance, Social Work, Council – also and charities that can offer advice – we’ve got one called ‘Oasis for Carers’.

Also, as you are experiencing, this whole thing can cause immense stress. He probably doesn’t need a huge amount of care (PS my FIL used to have to be told to go get a bath/wash, even when he was looking after MIL). If he’s still able to do this and wash, then the personal care help will be minimum – MIL couldn’t dress herself nor get to the kitchen.

On the run up to her needing a nursing home things were getting very stressful, despite there being three daughters and carers all local. As her mobility got worse, so did the demands increase. She could only shuffle to the commode which was next to her. Couldn’t/wouldn’t walk from her bed to the chair (also scared of falling), so this exasperated the issues. A bout of illness and hospital/respite home care (she was given last rights) she bounced back, but has now refused to even try and stand. A year has passed and there is no way she can stand now, it’s too late. She’d prefer to be at ‘home’ but she physically can’t move now, and no-one is going to send in two care staff to move her, nor can she get to the loo.

As things are strained now, I’d get looking for somewhere for him and/or help.

There is also a thin line between can’t and won’t. My MIL was quite happy to stop trying – she was understandably worried about falling, but stopped moving more and more, which is a vicious circle, plus she was heavy.

It sounds a bit like he is a stubborn old bugger – there is sometimes a case for ‘tough love’ – i.e. you want to stay here, then you can make an effort – i.e. get washed, help make meals/wash up.

We’ve had to lay a few things out to MIL over the years, like a curtain not closed is not an emergency, or a light not turned on (it was that petty – you’d get a phone call that a specific light wasn’t on, “come round now”, but there was another light on that was always left on. They do get very set in their ways and if it’s not to their liking, or quite at the right time for tea – no you won’t starve if the carer is 30 minutes late – someone else might be ill/traffic bad. MIL has been told she has no patience, and we’ve reminded her on many occasions that we all have to work and are out of the house 12 hours a day.

Family holiday to Switzerland?

You said that where you live is not where he used to live.

The problem is, that the sister in law has basically turned her back on him. Understandably the wife does not want left with no family contact in sheltered accommodation. So is hoping to get something local

Personally I could not care about him and really DGAF where he is as long as he’s not here but like a lot of things in life, it’s not that simple.

As I am typing this she is speaking to Age UK to see what realistic options we have.

I know it is difficult but you need to start getting a bit more determined, several suggestions have been made above and you have been quite negative about all of them. Feeling sorry for yourself will not sort anything out.

Navigating social care is often hard work, complicated and requires persistence.

Here is my 3 point action plans:

Get in touch with Adult Services (Social Work) and ask for a full assessment. This is likely to take a while so crack on with it now before things become any more challenging for you. This will give you a better understanding of what he/you are entitled to and how to get it. This may be care, respite, equipment, referrals to other helpful groups, finance.

Get on to whoever runs the sheltered housing and arrange a visit. You are assuming that there is a massive waiting list but you may be wrong. The one way of guaranteeing never getting a flat there is by not asking. Sheltered housing, in some cases, is an awesome step for people who need support and company but do not need residential care

Find out what is on offer by third sector (charities) in your area. You are likely to be surprised just how many helpful organisations there are. Red Cross, RVS, Age UK are all great. There are also transport groups, mens sheds, walking groups etc etc. Have a look for a local Carers Centre who will probably be able to cut through the choices and let you know who would be most relevant and helpful to your circumstances.

Get the help you all need now rather than waiting for things to get more difficult. Little moves fast in Social Care so it is good to be proactive.

Nice advice Frank, but as the OP couldn’t even find a phone number when google couldn’t help,I fear you’ve wasted your time.

Nice advice Frank, but as the OP couldn’t even find a phone number when google couldn’t help,I fear you’ve wasted your time.

Google “Social Work” and see what hits you get. All I got was training links and professional associations.

As above, the Mrs has contacted Age UK. They are coming out for a visit and are looking at housing options.

Google “Social Work” and see what hits you get. All I got was training links and professional associations.

Jeeesus. this is painful

Google Adult Services Social Work and add in the name of your area or town. All I got was all the information I need about referring for assessments, local services and other useful information.

Jeeesus. this is painful

I have all I need now. As I said the Mrs spoke with Age UK.

That post was in replay to Zanelad.

Now jog on.

I have all I need now. As I said the Mrs spoke with Age UK.

That post was in replay to Zanelad.

Now jog on.

Mate, You asked for advice. People are trying to help and you respond like that. While i think you may b stressed there is no need for that sort of response

Now jog on.

Have you ever wondered why your FIL doesn’t want to sit you at meal times?

I’ll jog on and take my very relevant professional knowledge elsewhere.

Who else recons Globalchul’s account has been hacked by his stroppy, senile FiL?

🤗