**** bored…make me laugh….
ton, watch this.if you dont p*ss yourself laughing you got no sense of humourPosted 9 years ago
a man went to see a fortune teller and she said to him, “great news – you’ll have an amazing life, everything will work out how you want and you’ll be perfectly happy.”
the man punched her in the face, knocking her out. when she eventually came round she dizzily said to the man, “what did you do that for?”
he said, “well, you know me – i always like to strike a happy medium.”Posted 9 years agoJayMember
A man escapes from prison where he has been there for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent most of his life in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably extremely dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. they had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been
given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most”.
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes
rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”
He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions.
“This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head”.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the cupboard. The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a football.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “£250”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “£750”
Man – “Sold.”
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and
football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, “I
can’t, I sold my ball and boots.” The father asks, “How much did you sell
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and
make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again. You’re in my cupboard now”Posted 9 years agowillyMember
what do you call an unemployed postman pat?
also http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Ilq3kFxekPosted 9 years ago
very simple video but that cracks me up so much!!
also ton this was ages ago but i came cyclin with you when you came up to glentress – Will (giant + gold helmet) if u dont remember. jst never said cheers and i had to leave and you guys had dissapeared… i know its very belated but meh ..cheers.coolhandlukeSubscriber
Joke for you Ton!
little boy to day, “dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a c**t? “well son,” says dad, as he pulled back the covers of the bed of his wife, “that is a pussy” he said pointing to his wifes bush…
“dad, can I touch it?” asks the son
“no son, you’ll wake the c**t”Posted 9 years agohoraMember
ton I once slept with a girl my friends nicknamed unabrow/the maggot. She thought I was a stallion and recommended me to her sister. Guess what happened? Yes, on all levels it was wrong (Im talking how ugly she was) and I was too dirty to say no. Gawd, I couldnt even claim to have been drunk 🙁
I was always excluded from ‘Pull a Pig’ night as I’d literally shag anything for a laugh anyway!Posted 9 years ago
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