I heard a really thought-provoking one the other day, from Hanif Kureishi on Mark Radcliffe….

The problem with relationships is that they put you at the mercy of someone else’s childhood

It actually initiated a long, and thoughtful discussion

As an ex rower, coaches quotes used to be collected on the twickenham underground website, my fave, of the ones that wouldn’t cause the profanity to explode!

“Rowing is very simple. You put your blade in square, pull, take it out square, easy … anybody who says something different is a c**t and anybody who can’t do it is a c**t !”

My old coach, a 3* world champ included the following gems

‘Pain is just weakness leaving the body’
‘Now that set would have hurt if you weren’t so fit’ this was after the most brutal circuits I have ever done, 90mins and we were curled up in foetal positions at the end of it!

From the incomparable Local Hero –
“Gideon, Are there two l’s in dollar?”
“Aye, and there are two g’s in bugger off!”

From the wisened old Canadian plane mechanic on that ‘science’ program where they recreated the bouncing bomb (when some idiotic boffin had ballsed something simple up):

“You can’t make honey out of dog shit”.

Clive James on Roman Polanski:

“The 5-foot Pole you wouldn’t touch with a 10-ft pole.”

‘Where’s my £10?’
‘In my **** off pocket!’ : )

So true….

“No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”

— H. L. Mencken, “Notes on Journalism”

“He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.”

Mr M Tucker

•Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential.
— Quote by Winston Churchill

this is my reasoning for being stubborn and a bit thick.. 😆

To lower the tone, a friend was describing the Tulisa sex video, in particular the money shot, where he described her as having a face “like a painters radio”!!

So wrong but so descriptive.

Think it’s a plasterer’s radio…. Anyhoo:

“I was having fun! But then I saw you and my fun went soft.” – Roger the Alien.

“Your optimism strikes me like junk mail addressed to the dead” – HMHB

“When the world is on your shoulder, gotta straighten up your act and boogie down.” – M. Jackson

“And the blood will dry
Underneath my nails
And the wind will rise up
To fill my sails.” – S. Grey

“I’ll tell you how it works, right? I took a note, sawtooth wave, right off this pantomime four, ran it back here, re-jammed it through itself, looped it back, mixed it with the sound of this crab committing suicide, and let it stew in its own reverb for about three hours, right? And then I pump it all out through this shoe, to give it that oaky timbre.” – H. Moon (on finding a new note between B and C).

“Don’t cry that it’s over. Smile because it happened” – Dr Seuss

“Don’t you ever, *EVER* call me a bully. I’m so much worse than that”. – M Tucker

Well since someone else mention rowing ones, a particularly tough rowing coach to his crew:

Coach – Oi, you at 4, there’s a load of shit on the end of your blade (oar).
Rower looking at the end of his oar – no there isn’t.
coach – the other end you ****!

“Technology is exclusively the common future”

oh oh because it was on the other day, for he SCI-FI geeks:

Mr Morden “What do you want?”

Vir: “I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favours come with too high a price. I would look up into your lifeless eyes and wave, like this [smiles and waves his fingers at Morden]. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morden?”

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Oscar Wilde

‘How to get the best of it all? One must conquer, achieve, get to the top; one must know the end to be convinced that one can win the end – to know there’s no dream that mustn’t be dared. . . Is this the summit, crowning the day? How cool and quiet! We’re not exultant; but delighted, joyful; soberly astonished. . . Have we vanquished an enemy? None but ourselves. Have we gained success? That word means nothing here. Have we won a kingdom? No. . . and yes. We have achieved an ultimate satisfaction. . . fulfilled a destiny. . . To struggle and to understand – never this last without the other; such is the law. . .’ George Mallory

I see no-one’s mentioned the one (from von Moltke the Elder) that sums up large parts of my life:

No plan of operations extends with any certainty beyond the first contact with the main hostile force.”

Sheriff Beaufort T Justice of smokey and the bandit, to his son

“You cannot be from my loins. When we get home, im gonna punch your mamma in the mouth”

“Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.” – Mary Shelley

“Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?” – Ripley

“My greatest flaw. I surround myself with idiots.” Victor Von Doom.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion, but doesn’t

“How’s your head?” “I’ve had no complaints” – Elvira

“Everything that comes out of your mouth is obscene” “That is a ****ing lie!” – Bette Midler