On Bristol Bridge, on a Saturday night, waiting for the pedestrian crossing lights to change.
One young lady to another: “And then he came right in my face…”
Mrs M wouldn’t let me hang around to hear more.

In a street in Dublin, two men, one looking like a builder and the other looking like the owner of the building, gazing up at a gable end and the “owner” says:

“Well, it’s one of those things that needs doing sooner rather than later and in fact I’d sooner it was done sooner rather than later.”

He announced in a clear and loud voice (although his eyes told a different story) ‘we are from the letter ‘S’…. S, P… SPEE’ and when prompted to expand on this, he informed us ‘well I don’t know what she wants.. She’s standing on a stack of bibles’

He then clumsily turned and fumbled with the door before letting himself out

Having read this several times I have no idea what you’re/he was talking about. Is that the point? 😕

If there’s ever been an equivalent thread on a Norwegian message board, someone might be questioning why two somewhat drunk Brits were walking through Rjukan town center discussing how far you could fling a flaming badger using a trebuchet…

Two teenaged lads walking down the street.
Lad 1. Well, I didn’t like it!
Lad 2. You don’t need to do it again.
Lad 1. No, no I might eat her out again, it wasn’t that bad.
Lad 2. Well at least she was wet when you were licking her out. She was dry as a bone when the I started.

Two elderly ladies of the Joan Hickson as Miss Marple type were sitting a few seats away from me on the train.

As they walked past me to get off at their stop I heard one of them say

“…and it was about a foot long and as thick as my arm…..”

I assume it was a description of a tree branch as they’d been talking about gardening for most of the journey

Two recent gems at work.

A colleague chatting on the phone describing someone as being “Sharp as a monkey.”

Another colleague explaining to a lost visitor in our building how the floor numbering system worked. “We’re on the first floor, then comes the second floor, then the third and then the fourth.”

Last one from me. Just after the Berlin wall fell we visited Dachau. Essentially you spend hours looking at people killed through horrible means. At one point there is a pile of shoes that were removed from corpses. An American family had followed us around, and at this pile of shoes the dad wanted a photo. “For Christ’sakes why don’t you lot ever smile for my photographs!”

muddyground – Member
Last one from me. Just after the Berlin wall fell we visited Dachau. Essentially you spend hours looking at people killed through horrible means. At one point there is a pile of shoes that were removed from corpses. An American family had followed us around, and at this pile of shoes the dad wanted a photo. “For Christ’sakes why don’t you lot ever smile for my photographs!”

Had the same thing when I visited auschwitz / birkinau 18 months ago. A couple of American arseholes smiling and giving the thumbs up in photos all around the camp. At one point the tour guide was telling us that the pit & building is where inmates would grind the bones of corpses into dust to dispose of evidence before dumping en mass into the pit. At the same time this pair were grinning like goons for the camera. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I couldn’t of believed folk could behave this way!

In the Hilton in Pattaya for brunch with family.

Old sexpat type and his new pay, I presume his regular

” did you stay out with anybody last night?

“no I only went short time. “

” only the once? “

” no 3 times but I knew I was meeting you today”

It takes a trip to scum and sun Pattaya to reinforce my love of people.

scruff9252 – Member
If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I couldn’t of believed folk could behave this way

I was in New York in May 2012 and walked passed Ground Zero, which was still a smoking hole in the ground.

The number of people posing in front of the railings for pictures was pretty horrible.

2 ladies biked past me the other way and heard

“..and then he sprayed it all up my back”

I was intrigued !

njee20 – yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about the whole sordid episode.. the same mate pissed on my feet once too

“Over there, that’s where I lost my v. No, my other v.”

Mother in Woking town centre today to her 3 yr old: Dave! don’t do that Dave, get back here now Dave or i’ll…..

A mate of mine was visiting his home town of Boston when he saw a little boy run up to a shop window and place his hands on the glass, gaze adoringly at the contents within and exclaim “Look Mummy, books!”, before being dragged away with “**** BOOKS, WE’RE GETTIN CHIPS!!” ringing in his little ears.
Same friend was once propositioned (again in Boston) with “Eeh, gerrover ‘ere an’ shoot yer muck up us”.

Eeh, gerrover ‘ere an’ shoot yer muck up us

you’re not talking about Boston Massachusetts are you?

two small boys, maybe 8-10, walking 20ft behind their parents on a stroll along the Grantham canal….

“And basically thats why dogs lick their testicles”

A mate of mine was visiting his home town of Boston when he saw a little boy run up to a shop window and place his hands on the glass, gaze adoringly at the contents within and exclaim “Look Mummy, books!”, before being dragged away with “**** BOOKS, WE’RE GETTIN CHIPS!!” ringing in his little ears.

Given all the other shit in the news, that story just made me unreasonably sad.

Chap next to me at Post Office yesterday;
“Can I send this guaranteed delivery please?”
Post office lady; “it’ll have to go Registered, will there be someone there to sign for it?”
Chap; “I hope so, it’s a prison”

In B&M Bargains in Penrith, admittedly probably a great place for this type of thing.

Couple obviously talking about ebola.

Man said “there are going to be zombies walking down the street. I’m just going to run them over”

I was tempted to join in but really didn’t know where to start or what they would understand.

Sitting watching Avatar with MiL and FiL, just at the bit of the film where they are flying through the floating mountains MiL proclaims:

“They filmed this bit in New Zealand!”

Think I’ve posted this here before:

Calling a timber yard to get some prices – give my order – guy on the other end puts the phone down on the desk while he puts the quote together.

I’m not on hold so I can now hear all the office chit chat

He says to the woman next to him:

Him “What do you tell a woman with two black eyes”
theres a pause
Her (disbelievingly) “What?”
Him “Nothing, you’ve already told her twice”

Theres another longer pause.

Her, tersely, “You what?”

Him “What do you tell a woman with two black eyes”
Her “………….WHAT!?
Him “Nothing, you’ve already told her twice”

pause

WHAT!!!!!!

Him “I said- What do you tell… err, call, erm… it doesn’t matter”

Silence

Phone gets picked up “He’ll call you back”

He didn’t and I never saw him there again

Was in Tesco many moons ago and overheard two young mothers talking
Mother No1 asks, “Have you read Posh Spice’s new book?”
Mother No2 replies, “No. I saw a copy in WH Smiths but it looked too long.”

Priceless.

Priceless

Katie Priceless

Walking around a stately home with MrsMC a few years back, some toddlers were climbing on some antique chairs with “Please keep off the chairs” notices on them.

Their exasperated mother suddenly grabbed one child, pointed at the sign and said “I know you can’t read but what does that say?”

Young couple in a pub one saturday afternoon
Girl texting ‘how do you spell Edinburgh?’
Guy ‘e d i n b o r o!’

Well I suppose it makes sense as it was in Leith.?

Girl at work explaining to another colleague all about feltching!

Chatting to a guy in a pub in Dublin, I mention I’m from birmingham. He says ‘my brother lives in Brum, do you know him?’

He was surprised that I didn’t.

I bow to your editing skillz.

Edited.

He was surprised that I didn’t.

We lived in New Zealand for a year and had this a fair amount

The year was 1999. The place was Maggie’s Bar, Mojacar, Southern Spain.
We were there for Maggie’s Special Breakfast: full English, 8 oz steak and a pint of lager. With rotten hangovers, we sat at a table next to a young family.

Girl, about 5: [fiddling with cutlery]
Dad: “STOP doing that”
Boy, about 7: “…daddy…”
Mum: “Now love, you know your dad doesn’t like you playing with your knife & fork.”
Girl: [still fiddling]
Boy: “…daddy…”
Dad (to wife): “I swear, if she doesn’t stop that…”
Boy: “…Daddy…”
Mum (to husband): “Their food will be here soon. They’re just bored.”
Boy: “..Daddy!..”
Girl: [fiddling steps up a notch and knocks over dad’s breakfast pint]
Dad: “Oh, FOR FU…”
Boy: “..DADDY!!!…”
Dad (incandescent with rage): “WWWHHHAAAAATTTTT??????!!!!!”
Boy: “I think I’ve shat myself”

We had to leave the place there and then, we were laughing so much.

ian martin – Member

Chatting to a guy in a pub in Dublin, I mention I’m from birmingham. He says ‘my brother lives in Brum, do you know him?’

He was surprised that I didn’t.

My brother’s travelled a lot over the last few years, and he gets asked this everywhere he goes (only with Edinburgh). Bizarrely though it’s almost always someone he knows.

On tour in digs and the following took place today with the Musical director looking for a single fork while the dishwasher is on.

MD – I can’t open the Dishwasher?
Me – Why?
MD – because there’s a block of water in there right now
Me – Eh?! ( Door opened,fork handed over, wash continued, MD learns a new thing)