Favourite Father Ted lines…

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  • Favourite Father Ted lines…
  • Mrs Doyle: Now… (pouring Jack a cup of tea) … and what do you say to a cup?

    Father Jack: **** off, cup!


    these are small, those are far away.

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    these are small, those are far away.



    "don't call me len, you little prick. i'm a bishop"


    So many…

    Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
    Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
    Dougal: Oh right.


    Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
    Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!


    That would be an ecumenical matter 🙂

    Father Ted: I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas…priests… More drink! (All cheer)

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    "Down with this sort of thing!"
    "Careful now."


    these are very small, those are far away.



    Jack " A **** pair o womens knickers"


    Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?

    Little cow, FAR AWAY!

    When father jack sobers up after forcibly giving up drink for lent-

    "Oh my god I'm still on this ****' island"!

    Premier Icon IdleJon


    Premier Icon Bez

    "I've turned it right up, Ted. At this level you could hear a pi-BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!"


    "I won't be happy until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls."

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    "He did kick me up the arse!"

    "Those women were in the nib!"


    have you seen my record collection Ted?

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    It's my own stupid fault for messing with the bras.

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    I luv my brick


    Ted – What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
    Dougal – A shower of bastards.

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    Slight hijack:
    At an Ardal O'Hanlon stand up gig years ago in St Davids Hall, Cardiff and some guy right up on one of the top tiers starts yelling "****! DRINK!" at him. Ardal just looked up at him, right up near the roof of the hall and said "JUMP!"
    Looong applause for that and the heckler never said another word. 😀

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    Mrs Doyle "Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box"


    cant fully recall it as near far is my fav
    Will it still be a grade two listed relic when the remove it from his @rse- probably politer than that.
    Kick bishop Brennan up the @rse
    There is also a scene where you see dougals list of things that dont exist and on it is non catholic religions and darth vador

    Premier Icon MrGreedy

    Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't commit! Oh wait, no, it's a fillum.


    Some great ones there. One of my favourites:

    Dougal Look, look Ted, there's a rabbit that looks like Harvey Keitel!
    Ted Don't be silly Dougal, a rabbit could never look like… Oh My God!


    "I hear you're a racist now Ted!"
    When Dermot morgan died, we had a little shrine to him on the bike shop counter and on the day of his funeral, closed the shop early for the "Father Ted Memorial Bike Ride"
    He was a true hero.

    Premier Icon Stu_N

    Most of the above.

    I like to offer this dialogue between Mrs Doyle and Ted.

    Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
    Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
    Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
    Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
    Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

    mrs Doyle: ' ride me sideways was another one father'

    (when describing the terrible language in novelist Polly Clarke's books)

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    Ted- Have we any incence Dougal?
    Dougal-There was a spider in the bathrom last week.

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    My lovely horse….

    Premier Icon CHB

    …oh no, I meant raisins.


    Mrs Doyle "Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box"

    Speed 😆

    Not a line per se but I can't hear 'Ghost Town' by The Specials without having wee laugh to myself 😀

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    The full transcript of the Polly Clarke conversation. Utter **** unbridled genius!!!

    Mrs. Doyle: It's a bit much for me, Father. "**** this" and "**** that"

    Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Mrs Doyle.

    Mrs. Doyle: "You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse then ****. You know the one I mean.

    Father Ted Crilly: Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle

    Mrs. Doyle: "F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole" That was another one.

    Father Ted Crilly: I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle

    Mrs. Doyle: "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

    Father Ted Crilly: Is it Mrs Doyle?

    Mrs. Doyle: "You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your ballocks out of my face."

    Father Ted Crilly: Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.

    Mrs. Doyle: "Ride me sideways" was another one.

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    Ah go on, ahve some cake father, it's got cocaine in it…

    CHB – Member
    …oh no, I meant raisins.

    Brilliant, that has totally entered our family vernacular when trying to get the kids to eat something they don;t like (nothing wrong with this family….)


    All of the above, plus :

    Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?

    Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.

    Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

    Premier Icon CHB

    The line has the same job in our house!
    So hope the children don't take it out of context when they are older!

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    Dougal opening his advent calender

    Dougal: "I'll bet it's a donkey, or something
    Ted: "So, you'll have changed your mind then, what was it yesterday? Oh yes, Ruud Van Nistelrooy on a shed…


    'oh no Ted, I forgot to have my breakfast…' (cue dramatic music)

    Premier Icon MrGreedy

    Oh yes, Ruud Van Nistelrooy on a shed…

    Ruud Gullit! Sorry, my inner nerd got the better of me…

    (Wrong decade of football for a start, and it wouldn't scan as well either)

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