I leave my job next week. I've got an "exit interview" with a nice woman from HR today. They want to know why I'm leaving, and what they could have done to keep me.

Now, I know that I'm leaving before I'm found out, and the only way they could have kept me is by moving the whole firm to Bristol and giving me a largely non-executive role on the same salary but fewer hours. But there's a strong tendency to get creative on this one, so some ideas from you lot please.

– why am I leaving?

– what could they have done to make me stay? 😀

Depends whether you might ever want to go back there 🙂

Maybe a story about Giant Lizards, etc… 😉

Stand on a chair and drop your shorts.

Tell them the truth.

To construct a beautiful nest of meat within a tin foil clad caravan.

Offered you the aforementioned with some pickles as a "sweetener"

– why am I leaving?

Tell them you want to be known as Yolanda from now on and next week you intend to start your hormone treatment

– what could they have done to make me stay?

A signed letter from both Popes and a miniature statue of the Eiffel Tower covered in custard

They don't have anyone with pinnipeds surgically grafted to their bodies for sexual gratification.

You aren't allowed to bend her over and go out for a bike ride

You can't own anyone with bombers

And you aren't allowed to pi$$ in anyones shoes and punch them in the goolies

that should cover it

EDIT Forgot the meat!

Work/life balance? Too much commuting?

Lifelong dream of being a transvestite rock singer with Twisted Sister?

The Wiesenthal Centre has caught up with you.

Fund the next round of plastic surgery.

Jesus wants you for a sunbeam

Unexpected New vacancy at Aston Villa?

Tired of the big smoke/change of scenery/fresh start/lately developed a taste for rancid cider.

Some combination of the Wiesenthal Centre and a nest of meat with some pickles is in the lead at the moment. 🙂

A hankering for purple and gold…

Its not them, it's you.
Can you still be friends?
Youre just not ready to make a long term commitment to them.
Your biological clock is ticking.
The sex has been great, but why dont they cuddle you afterwards?

You are disappointed that the avaibility of Japanese octopron via the reprographics department has dried up now Paul the Octopus has gone into gambling.

You would be tempted to stay if you could have the office senior partner's office lined (floor, walls and ceiling) with the skin of recently flayed baby seals and the entrails of goats. It would then be filled knee deep in live squid. You have no intention setting foot inside the same, but would work as the solely licensed ticket seller for assistants to come and watch said senior partner working in his office.

(HTH and enjoy telling HR absolutely nothing.)

Stoner – class, I'm going to use all of those in mine 🙂

50p if you sit in stony silence wearing nothing but a Fedora

£1 if you sit in stony silence wearing nothing but a smile

I'm leaving before I'm found out

To be honest, I would just say this and nothing else. That will really get them worried…

What would they be prepared to do to keep you, what options do they have in mind if any, throw it back at them?

Tell them you no longer want to work in such a vicious, back-stabbing selfish cut-throat environment and wish to fulfil your lifelong dream of becoming an International Football Hooligan, as the travelling opportunities are far greater. Ensure that you attend the interview with a shaven head and wearing a Millwall top. Explain that you want more from your career than simply sitting around bored all day posting nonsense on STW.

Sing them a Kate Bush song, as a parting gesture. Maybe 'The Man with the Child in His Eyes'. Do a little dance in the style of a Massai Warrior crossed with an old ladies' Tea Dance. Come into the GaRDEN MAUDE…

Just be honest.

Tell them you've become hooked by the world of 'net forums where you discuss the minutia of your life and interests. You've lost perspective and balance, your sense of humour has evaporated and you've developed an uncontrollable urge to post pictures and reply to people you loathe,

That should cover it 🙂

No, no ro – we're talking about BD's exit interview, not yours…..

This is how to leave in style:-

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/08/10/air_steward/

I'm leaving before I'm found out

Just what might you have done that you could get found out for?

why leave? The urge to throw mini babybels at people has got too much

what could they have done? Organised a charity mini-babybelthrow-athon on your behalf.

I'm leaving my job on Friday too…I might just use some of these….

Just what might you have done that you could get found out for?

after a few years in a job, everyone has stuff they've buried that they don't want anyone else to know about, and that could likely ruin them.
like the time they took a pritt-stick home by mistake, or broke a chair and hid it in the basement, or skimmed £100k from the corporate accounts to pay for midget hookers and squirty cream.
don't they?

why? less work for more money
How? even less work for even more money

oh and the chance to hump the bosses daughter on the board room table once a week.

although I do like the Wiesenthal centre idea.

why not "do a fight club" and get yourself and project mahem up and funded for a year?

I'm afraid in the end I just said constructive and sensible things. 🙂

Thanks all for your creativity.

My Mrs has been having some of this at work. She supervises a team of mainly female staff.

The first problem was with lady who apparently bats for the other side. She had an issue with my Mrs, (it has transpired that the same has happened previously where she has had female supervision, and she has been moved around as a result. When she left she gave my Mrs both barrels at the exit interview. Questions were asked from above, but nothing was found to be out of order. It now transpires the the woman has taken her next employer (female) to a tribunal on the grounds of sexual discrimination.

Currently she is going through a similar experience with another one of her team. This one has also been "recommended for internal transfers" several times also, (for internal transfer read being moved on due to being a pain in the arse). Similar accusations are being made with a similar lack of substance. However, it does not take a genius to work out that "the no smoke without fire" argument will at some poiint get deployed, and that there will eventually be some impact on the old girls career.

Seems to me to be a practice with good intentions but a potentially suspect outcome, which in my Mrs employers case leads to poor staff being shuffled rather than dealt with properly, and to that extent is counter productive. Wifey is now contemplating shuffling as opposed to doing her job properly and standing her ground.

The company is a large multinational with high professional standards and a permanent HR presence on site, and these incidentas have occured some time apart.

When are you heading over West?

I've got some loafing to do, but basically about 28th September. I think I'll miss the bike festival, which is a shame.